I am having yet another hard day today - in tears. I talked with DB coach this morning, which helped, but now I find myself in tears again. I'm exhausted, so I know that's not helping. H did not stay with me last night, so I had a hard time sleeping. I kept thinking about things and couldn't quiet my mind.
I have to get some work done but just wanted to check in.
Sorry for the HJ 2940! Lin could you please go see my sitch in piecing. H is/was to come back at the end of the month and has wigged out on me tonight big time - I could really use your help before I just cave and give in to him...I have a new thread in piecing...
THanks HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
H did not come home again last night. He said he would but then didn't. I told him this morning that I missed being able to snuggle with him last night and then caught myself and shut up...
We had a business meeting this morning, and then he came back to our house to get his golf clubs to go golfing with his friends. Before he left, he pushed me up against my car and gave me this wonderful, passionate, sexy kiss that took my breath away. The thought of it still makes me weak in the knees. It was really nice.
I went to a meeting tonight, and when I got home, H was home! It was nice to have him come home and me NOT be home for once... He knew where I was, but at least I wasn't home "waiting" for him. It was nice for a change. He was already asleep, so I came in to do some work before going to bed, but just knowing he is asleep in our bed in the next room brings me such peace and joy...
We are going to a real estate conference out of state next week. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I'm planning on just being me and not bringing up any R talk and just having a good time and getting a lot accomplished. I am excited for it, both from a business standpoint and just being able to get away for a while and also to be with him.
Hope you're all doing well. Just wanted to check in. Things are going well here, I think. H did not come home on Thursday night but has been home/with me every night since then. He invited me to go out of town for Saturday night at his family's cabin with the family, so we did that and had a nice time. I told him that I really didn't want to go if it was just for the purpose of making it not be "awkward" for him to not have me there, and he said no, that he wanted to go and he wanted me to go. So I just left it at that. I had a nice time with him and his family. We drove there and back together, which is about a 45 minute drive each way, and the drives were nice. He kind of clammed up right before we got home on Saturday night - he was just really short with me and distant. It was like talking to a wall. I asked him if anything was wrong, and he said no but offered no explanation for his behavior... Other than that the weekend went really well. So he has stayed with me since Friday night now, but I find myself thinking that maybe that was just because OW was out of town for the holiday possibly??? I know I should just be thankful that he's been staying with me, regardless of the reason, but it's just so hard to not have these thoughts. Please tell me these thoughts and worries will fade with time?
We leave tomorrow night for our business trip. He comes home Saturday night, and I'm gone through Monday night. So now I'm worried about whether he'll come home tonight or not, thinking that if she was gone for the weekend she may be home now and he may stay with her and feeling anxious about that. He hasn't shaved in a long time and is looking pretty scruffy, and I know his shaver is at her house... These are the stupid things I find myself noticing that just drive me crazy! Jody (DB coach) said I need to work on not having my life revolve around whether he comes home or not, and I know that, but I'm just having a hard time pushing these thoughts out of my head. And it's doubly hard because right now I can't tell him how I'm feeling or ask for any reassurances, so I'm left to deal with it on my own.
I'm feeling a bit anxious today and just wanted to ask for some feedback from you guys. I'm really excited that we are spending more time together and that he has been staying with me so much the past several weeks. At the same time, he hasn't brought home his clothes and toiletries from OW's house, so I know he hasn't broken things off with her, but I have said nothing to him about that to him. And the toiletries that I told you about that he did bring home were not from OW's house I found out, as he gives me the receipts from all of his credit card charges for me to enter into our software program, and there was a receipt in there for those toiletries...
So I find myself worrying that he is "testing" us maybe, that he doesn't want to break things off officially with her until he's sure that he wants to be with me. So I find myself having a hard time relaxing around him and just being me, and I hate that. I know I can't talk to him about it - at least not yet. Obviously I can't allow this to go on forever as far as "sharing" him with someone else, but I'm trying to lay low for now and just have fun being with him and hopefully have him enjoy being with me.
Also, I find myself worrying about the "emotional" connection between us - it feels so incredibly strained. Is that normal? I'm scared - I want to see love and happiness in his eyes when he looks at me; I want to hear happiness in his voice when I call; I want him to be glad to see me... I just don't feel any of those things, and I'm scared. And it's not just that I don't feel any of those things from HIM; it's also that *I* don't feel those things... Of course I love him, but I feel so scared and angry and so distant right now, and I want so badly to not feel that way and to feel close to him again and safe. Please tell me that this is normal to feel this way and that I just need to be patient???
We have been continuing to make love, and I've truly really enjoyed that. He has been snuggling with me in bed like we used to and showing me affection in that way, which has been really nice and drastically different from how he acted when he "came home" for the short period in February.
But when we're not in bed and not talking about business, I just feel a huge disconnect. Am I being sensitive and analyzing it too much? Is it just going to take time to build those feelings back up? Should I be so scared?
I feel myself emotionally getting tied back in to him because of the time we've been spending together, and I just don't want to go through getting hurt all over again, if that makes sense. I just want to feel close to him again in an emotional, loving way... I'm afraid...
Let me know what you guys think from the outside looking in... I know I can't know what he is thinking or why he is doing what he is doing, but do you guys see/feel anything looking in on this about how he has been acting as far as coming home and spending time with me but not bringing his stuff home and not ending things with her (he stayed at her house last Thursday night)... Thoughts?
P.S. - And you may think it's silly for me to be keeping track, but out of the last 23 days he has stayed wtih me 13 of them... I hope that is a huge step in the right direction? But I'm just so scared and anxious when he's NOT with me... Normal?
My only concern is if he is "cake eating" here...if he really thinks that he can bounce between the two of you because you both are "allowing" him to...
I see it as a positive though in that he is now spending time with you...
I worry about your "fear"...fear can be very crippling...as you well know...and you are easily emotionally attached...I don't think there is anyway around that unless you just lay it out...either he wants to be with you and put 100% into fixing things...or he doesn't...but that is definitely your call...I just know for me, personally, I could not ML and enjoy it knowing that he was going back and forth...
I also have to ask how you KNOW he was at her house on Thursday night???...I do hope you are not snooping again...
My concern is also that he isn't taking the toiletries home...but just buying more for your home...again, this tells me he is really straddling the fence here...maybe she doesn't know he is with you...he could be telling her anything...and again, perhaps she is doing the same thing he is???...of course that would really be sick...and physically dangerous because now you are including a 4th person into the STD pool!!!!...I still am very concerned about the possible damage that can be physically done here...my sister just talked to a friend of ours whose H gave her HPV....and something else (I didn't ask)...she has to be medically monitered all the time and she says she will never have sex again because she doesn't want to be responsible for spreading this to another human...she got an annulment so she is free of her X...but his "legacy" lives on in her...(Ok...I am beating the dead dog again....but only because I care!)
Hi, V! It's so great to hear from you. You have been such a "rock" for me through all of this... I honestly can't thank you enough.
I'll look forward to reading more of your thoughts later when you have time. I'm still feeling really anxious today and am having a hard time concentrating... I appreciate your encouragement and, as always, I know you'll have some wonderful insights to share with me. I know I should be thrilled - and I AM - about the progress that we've made. I guess maybe that is why it is so dang hard; I feel myself getting closer to him and I don't want to LOSE that! I still feel so fragile and afraid...
Yes, it certainly does bother me very much that he is going back and forth between us. And, yes, I am ashamed to admit it, but I have been snooping, and that is how I know he has been there... On the nights he hasn't come home, I have had an absolutely HORRIBLE time trying to get any rest, and even though it hurts me so much when I confirm that he is there, it still helps because I at least KNOW what is going on instead of assuming. I just feel like I need to understand what I am dealing with. I always pray when I go there that he is staying at the office... When he isn't, yes, it hurts. But it still helps me to at least know FOR SURE what is going on. I feel better knowing that, even though it hurts. A month ago when he was coming home rarely, I wasn't snooping much. I just usually assumed that he was staying with OW and just dealt with it. But now that he is staying with me more and I'm finding myself getting closer to him, I just really want to know what is going on so that I can make decisions based on that. I don't know if that makes sense or not...
Yes, I am afraid, and that is so hard because even if I don't say anything to him about it, I don't want him to "sense" it. That was another thing that DB coach said was to be careful about my feelings because he can sense my feelings.
At this point, I'm not ready to talk about the R quite yet and/or to give him any ultimatums. Yes, I do know that that has to come at some point. But now it's only been going into the fourth week since he started staying with me more frequently, so I just am afraid to rock the boat too quickly and scare him back away. I want to see how our business trip goes and whether he comes home tonight and also whether he has stayed at home for the two nights that he is home before I come home. I fear that he will not, that he will stay with her, and obviously with me being gone I will have no way to confirm that "for sure," but I can tell whether he has slept at home in our bed or not - because I always make the bed and he always leaves it a wreck... LOL
Regarding the toiletries, yes, it killed me to see that he had not brought things from her house. I don't know what to think. As I mentioned, I'm so very afraid that he is "testing" us, that he doesn't want to end things with her until he knows we're going to be all right, and I hate how that makes me feel and act. I'm trying so hard to just be me, but I find that that thought is constantly nagging me in the back of my mind. When we went to Hawaii, he told me that he had told her that he was figuring some things out. In actuality, I believe that he just told her that he was going on a business trip for the whole time he was back with me, both before and during our trip. He never told her that he was going to see if he could work things out with me. And I have a feeling that he is doing the same thing now. And before he chose to go back to her, so knowing that, it's even harder. At least now there are quite a few more positives than there were back then and I am in a much better place mentally (even though this all is so incredibly twisted). I'm doing a better job with what I need to do both for myself and for us.
So all I can figure is that he has just as hard of time talking to her as he does with me and that he is avoiding talking to either of us. I can't help but continue to wonder what she is thinking. I know I've been told to not give her that power. I get that. But I have to consider what kind of R this really is between them - if he's been staying with her the majority of the time up until the past few weeks and now he has been spending much more time away, what is he telling her? What is she asking him, if anything? Maybe she just doesn't care. I hate to think that, because he told me that he didn't want me to think that he just jumped into bed with someone else, that he has feelings for her. So as much as it hurts, I would guess that she feels the same way???? So what is she thinking now? Maybe he's telling her that he's staying at the office. Maybe she doesn't know where that is and so she hasn't checked or doesn't care to check. There are so many possibilities, and it's so dang hard that I cannot ask him what the heck is going on...
I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this, with him going back and forth. Lin, it honestly DOES tear me apart inside. It's an absolutely horrible feeling. At the same time, I have to see that it's progress from where we were. It's certainly not an ideal situation, and in some ways it's hard than how it was before, but I have to believe that we're hopefully moving in the right direction, even if it's not exactly the course that I would like to follow to get there. ML to him is bitter sweet. I honestly am truly enjoying myself and am enjoying being with him, but it kills me to think about him also being with her - it takes the "magic" away from it. That's something I'm dealing with as well that is very difficult. It sucks and it's hard but hopefully it's helping to bring us closer. I know how sick and twisted that sounds, and if I think about looking in on this from the outside it makes my own skin crawl. But for whatever reason it's where we're at right now, and whatever I'm doing is somehow causing him to spend more time with me and to come home on his own without my coaxing (most of the time) and to want to ML to ME and to show me more affection. I can't make sense of it and don't understand it but at this point am simply attributing it to me new fliratious self that I continue to be and that I'm not talking about the R and that I'm consistently working very hard to compliment him genuinely... Those are the changes that I know I've made since this change in him occurred. So I'm staying the course for now and will just see where it takes me. I plan on reassessing the situation probably mid to end of June, if I can somehow keep myself together for that long... If nothing has changed by then, I may at least attempt talking with him and seeing what happens... I don't know the right thing to do and am so afraid of doing the wrong thing...
Anyway, sorry to vent again. Thanks for listening.
Tam, just a thought here, has he been spending more time at home SINCE you moved your office there? Is there a connection between you pulling away a bit and him pulling a bit closer? Something to think about!
It was nice to have him come home and me NOT be home for once... He knew where I was, but at least I wasn't home "waiting" for him. It was nice for a change. He was already asleep, so I came in to do some work before going to bed, but just knowing he is asleep in our bed in the next room brings me such peace and joy...