Two steps forward and one step back is still a step in the right direction girl! You are doing good. Taking time for yourself and to get your head on straight is really important. You are doing it.
It does sound like H is making some good progress towards coming home. Moving stuff back is very positive indeed. I guess it's still all about patience. It needs to be on his timeframe until he's put himself firmly back in the marriage.
I'm so pleased you had a good time with your girlfriend and then out with friends. I disagree that having a wild night on the turps isn't good for you. I think sometimes it's exactly what the Dr ordered. Live it up. Go wild. Remember who you are and how much craziness and fun is in your heart.
I recall when I was going through my separation my sister said to me one day "what's happened to you Ginny, you are so sad and boring - and you used to be hoot!" That's the kind of thing you are looking to find again. Your fun, funny, gorgeous self.
I get how much it must have hurt when he didn't come back onthe night he said he would - but I guess he's tying up loose ends. He obviously has some sincere linkage with the woman he's seeing (as much as I care about you, I actually feel really sorry for her, because I wonder how much she really knows about his real status?) - and we know what a problem he has with making decisions, so he may well be trying to end it, but doesn't have the balls to actually do it. When this is over he's going to need to get some help in the 'personal-decision-making' department.
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... being my "new" flirtatious self. Jody suggested that I invite him out to do non-business type activities that he might enjoy to help us get more "connected."
This is probably the key you know. Remind him of how fun it is to be with you - particuarly at this time when he's trying to break up with OW. Chances are she's not real fun to be with while he's pulling away from her, so you have an opportunity to be the go-to girl for fun, love and happiness.
It sounds like talking to Jody is really helping you and giving you good strategies to use - so keep that up too.
I hope you have a great weekend with your folks and you come back refreshed to start another week of DBing.
I've been thinking about you and praying for you, take care of yourself and don't give up.
((((hugs))))
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
You know, you've told 2940 on at least 2 other occassions about your views on sexually transmitted diseases, and in particular HPV. You've also mentioned several times your concerns about mixing drugs and alcohol.
Just like our partners, we can't change other posters - nor should we wish to. We can give advice and when we have, we need to assume it's been heard.
2940 - I undertake to be a supportive fellow traveller during your journey. I get that you've taken a break from the board because you felt you were being beaten up by us and I understand that.
I also understand that as you get stronger, you are going to be less willing to take sh!t from anyone in your life and as far as I'm concerned that's a good thing.
I promise that when I raise an issue, I will only raise it once. What you do with it is up to you.
I'm sorry this is such a tough journey and I hope that we can help you get through it. I really don't want to contribute to shattering your self esteem any more than it already is by this crisis in your life.
Having said all that - I really agree with Lin
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continue to GAL...this is important no matter what he does...it is still a good thing..
Go gettum
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Dog with a bone???...okay...but sometimes while someone may hear you in a "crisis mode" they forget...it is a known fact that three times for emphasis usually makes something stick in the conscience part of the brain...
But I get your point...and I do know you can't change anyone...just hoping that she would really think about this because both of these things could very well mean her life...and if this is a crisis...imagine what finding out you have cervical cancer...or imagine a night out partying that ends with you having a stroke or some other physical impairment for life because of a bad mix of drugs and alcohol...I know for me...if this were my sister...I would repeat it everytime she mentions those behaviors in hopes that she would eventually see the consequences...
No...I, stupidily ran myself down, poor eating, double loads at work...you know, just general lack of concern for me...but, I am better...I have to slow down...thanks for the concern.
I have to agree, we hear, but sometimes it needs to be repeated to really understand...otherwise, it becomes just mere words.
Tam, when a man reaches orgasm, after he ejaculates, he then has a vacuum which sucks some fluids back into his body via the penis whether they are yours or not. Then, they mix with his fluids and can be sent back next time...you do need to protect yourself at all costs...it only takes one time, to do this - it can ruin your life...be careful...please...
I'm glad you are seeing and spending time with your mother on her day Sunday...
Just checking in. I'm still alive. Things have been going much better for us (I think). H has stayed home 6 nights out of the last two weeks. That is more than he has stayed home in the 6 months combined that this has now been going on. I am excited and confused all at the same time.
After I talked with Jody (DB coach) the last time, one thing that really stuck out that she said to me was that one of the hardest things for people to do when DBing is to stay the course on something, to stick to it. For some reason, that really resonated with me. When I talked to her, it was a couple of days after H had stayed with me for those two nights after shrimping. I was devastated because he had stayed with me, we ML, and then he went right back to her bed. I was frustrated and confused and asked for her advice on what to do.
We talked through a few possibilities regarding him coming home and us ML. One was that I wouldn't do it anymore while things are the way they are. The second option was two find a way to detach myself emotionally from ML and just enjoy it for exploring my sexuality. I didn't think I could detach my feelings from ML in that way and didn't know if I even WANTED to do that, so I thought long and hard about the best course of action.
When H stayed with me those two nights after shrimping, what I had started to do differently was to be more flirtatious with him, more outgoing and seductive, if that makes sense.
Jody cautioned me to really think about "letting him have it," which is what I felt like doing when he went right back to her. She said I could destroy the potential good that had happened when he did stay with me. She also said another option I could do was to tell him that I was sorry for asking him whether he was going to come home (I had asked him the third night after he had stayed over two nights whether he was coming home that night, and he had told me yes but then stayed with her instead), and that I didn't want him to think that just because we had sex that he had to feel obligated to come home.
I really thought about what she said and decided to dig deep within myself and muster up everything I had to "act as if" nothing had happened. I said absolutely nothing to him about him not coming home that night when he had told me he was going to. I said nothing about him staying with her. I said NOTHING at all about anything to do with the situation or our R. Instead, I called him and apologized for having not talked with him in the last day and a half (I had done that on purpose until I talked with Jody to see what her advice would be - I didn't want to contact him and "mess up"). So I just told him that I had been extremely busy and that I was sorry I hadn't gotten in touch with him sooner.
Then I just proceeded to be the flirtatious, fun person I had been being. It about killed me, but I did it. So that was Wednesday, May 9th. I continued acting this same way on Thursday as well.
I also read a new book that Jody recommended called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I would highly recommend it. It talks about how to make connections with your spouse without having to actually talk about it. Jody recommended it to me when I told her about my continuing urges to want to talk to him about our R, etc. It really was an eye-opener.
So I really worked hard to keep acting as if and being flirtatious and fun-loving and on doing the exact opposite of what I was feeling. I was giving him compassion when I didn't feel like it. I started complimenting him on how much I appreciate how good he is in our business and how impressed I am with all that he has accomplished. These were genuine compliments that I truly meant and feel. I just really worked hard to "take notice" of things that he was doing and to let him know that I appreciated it and was impressed. I have been working really hard to lift him up and make him feel good. Again, this isn't a "show." It's how I really feel. I just have been working hard to verbalize it. So absolutely no R talk and being very supportive and complimentary and flirtatious. It's almost been like doing a 180 on the last resort technique. Rather than distancing myself from him, I was doing the opposite in many ways.
So that Friday, May 11th, I took it up just a notch. I got him a cute, funny card and just thanked him for working so hard on our business. On the last line of the card, I said something like that I hoped to see him soon. That was it. Something to let him know that I was thinking about him but nothing over the top. I also got him a candy bar and a yard bird (inside joke). I put everything in his truck at the job site for him to find.
I was leaving the next morning to go to my parents' house for Mother's Day. H came home that night fairly early (around 9 o'clock or so) and stayed with me that night. He brought a card for me to take to my Mom from him for Mother's Day. We had talked about him getting it to me for me to take, but he hadn't had time during the day, so he said he would bring it over. And then he ended up staying the night with me. I didn't ask him to. We ML again, and it was wonderful. (BTW, I do hear and understand what you're saying about ML and the risks, etc. I continue to consider that as I move through this process. I am very appreciative of your concern, so thank you.)
Saturday morning when I went to leave, I found a card from him in my car. It thanked me for the bird and card and for working so hard. He told me to drive safe and that he would see me soon.
I went down to my parents' house and had a nice weekend. It was fun and difficult at the same time. Somehow I managed to keep it together and enjoy my time with Mom.
I came home on Monday night and cried when I got home, as I could tell that he hadn't slept at home at all when I'd been gone, so it just pulled at my heartstrings again. But, again, I sucked it in and just let myself cry and didn't say anything to him about it. He had blown up the engine in his car on Monday and was driving my old car. He was working on it on Monday over at his parents' house, so I grabbed a few beers out of the refrigerator at home and drove over to his parents' house to give them to him to commiserate with his car problems. I had to go over there to get some paperwork from him, so I didn't make a "special" trip over there. He thanked me for the beers. I was again flirtatious and acted as if everything was fine. It was hard, but I did it.
Then he came home again that night after he finished working on the car! I again just played it cool. We ML again, and it was really nice again.
Then Tuesday night American Idol was on. I asked him if he wanted to watch it with me, and he said he'd see how the night went. He didn't show up and didn't call. I'm presuming he stayed with her but don't know for sure. My heart ripped out again, but I stayed the course...
So Wednesday we had a milestone occur at our job site and were both really excited. We decided to go out and celebrate that night. We did, and he came home again.
Then last night we had one of our monthly business meetings, and he asked me out to dinner afterwards and then come home again. So he stayed with me three nights last week and three nights this week.
Yesterday and today we had some really big improvements with our communication regarding our business. We had some meetings that we both attended together regarding future projects. I told him how impressed I was with how much knowledge he has gained and that I really enjoyed spending time with him learning about what he was learning. We really connected regarding the business and had some great conversations surrounding that.
This morning he got up around 5:45 and said that his mind was spinning about the business and all he had to do and that he couldn't sleep and was getting up to go to work. I also had not slept well and had woken up in the middle of the night with my own mind spinning about the business. We really had a good conversation about it yesterday that really motivated me.
When he left, I found myself worrying whether he was going over to her house. I was exhaused because I had been up in the middle of the night and had taken some sleeping pills that had kicked in, so I was finally able to get back to sleep but woke up several times tossing and turning with worry until I got up.
I talked to him this morning and again found myself wondering whether he had gone over to her house. I just kept telling myself that I had to let it go because I couldn't ask him whether he had gone over there and there was nothing I could do to find out whether he did, so I just had to let it go. However, it kept nagging in the back of my mind for some reason. I know this is probably normal considering the circumstances and that this will be expected when he does come back home "full time" in that I will find myself worrying when I don't know for sure where he's at. I guess time will be the only thing to cure that.
At any rate, I decided to kick it up a notch again today. I got some wine and cheese and crackers and packed it up in a cooler. After our business meeting today, I asked him if we could go to the park for a few minutes. He was reluctant (our meeting lasted way longer than we expected), but he drove us there. When we got there I took out the items and a card I had gotten him thanking him for all of the inspiration and movitavation regarding our business. We sat there and talked and ate the snacks and drank the wine. In the card I must have said that I was lucky to have him because after he read it he leaned over and kissed me and said he was lucky to have me, too.
After we were there for a while we drove around and looked at some more real estate for a few minutes and then drove back to the office. I stayed there for a short time while he sorted through some paperwork I brought him. Then I left to go home. We called my mom on a three-way call when I was on my way home to talk to her about a business item she's working on. We got off the phone with her a little after 8 o'clock tonight. I called him back briefly just to thank him for taking the time to talk with her. Then we got off the phone.
So he didn't come home tonight. I slept for a few hours and then woke up and decided I needed to know whether he was with her again. When I was at the office today, I noticed the it looked like he had showered there, and he hasn't done that yet. I was encouraged that maybe he was spending some nights there, that maybe he had ended it with her or at least was working towards it. So I just felt like I needed to know for my own peace of mind where he was at tonight. I need to know where things stand.
So I drove up there and found MY car at OW's house - OUCH. I know it seems petty, but it hurt to see MY car there. Technically, though I've always driven it since we got it, my newer car is in H's name only, as he bought it when I wasn't at the dealership with him. But the car he's driving now is the car I've had since I was 18. So it was hard knowing all of the history I've had with it to see it now over at OW's house. I had thought about that when I first came home from my parents' house, that I should tell him that it would bother me to have him take my car over there. But then I talked myself out of it, deciding to take the "choose my battles wisely" approach and just suck it up and let it go. But tonight it was hard to see my car there.
So no tears tonight, just further contemplation. I'm hurt that he's there, but he hasn't told me that he's ended it with her and hasn't brought all of his clothes and toiletries back home, etc., so it's not as if he's lying to me. But it's still so hard and confusing to understand what he is doing and what's going on in his mind. I haven't said word one about our R/OW/etc I believe since the day I blew up at him at the job site about not having been available the night before when I was having all of the problems there, etc. So if I'm remembering right that that was the last time, it will have been three weeks tomorrow since I've said anything at all about our R, other than the few small hints in those cards just about hoping to see him soon, as in today's card I said the same thing. I've been tempted to just ask him for reassurance that he still wants to work things out in our M, but I've somehow managed to restrain myself. I talked to Jody about it and told her that it really helped me to ask him for the reassurances, as it helped to keep me going and fighting. She said that he's just going to tell me what I want to hear. While I know this, I guess it still helps to hear it anyway. But I have been good and haven't even done that.
I don't know if today I pushed to hard with the wine and crackers, etc., or if he really did feel guilty and saw her this morning and then stayed with her tonight. etc. I can't know that. I had a good time doing the "picnic" thing with him and don't regret it. It was just another gesture of good will and working towards connecting with him. I can only hope it accomplished that but will now step back a bit and see what happens from here.
My goal in doing these things has been to "stay the course" on trying something new and watching his reaction. Since he has stayed home 6 nights in the last two weeks. I would say that I am getting some very positive feedback. Tonight at the office he even "slipped" (I'm guessing) and said "love you" when I was getting ready to leave. I just acted casual and kind of blew it off and just said "love you too" back - I didn't want to call attention to it or make a big deal out of it. When he actually loooks into my eyes again and tells me that he loves me, that is when I will know that it is truly coming from his heart again.
So over the last couple of weeks we have had increasingly good communication and interactions. It seems as if what I am doing has been working. At the same time, it's tearing me apart because he's still staying with her. I just have kept reminding myself tonight that I have to continue to concentrate on "me" and this fun, flirtatious person I am. I can't worry about her but need to focus on me and making myself the person he wants to be with. I can only hope that since he has stayed with me so much more in the past couple of weeks that SHE is now the one pressuring him and asking questions about where he's been, etc. But then there's the little devil on my shoulder worrying about whether he felt "guilty" this morning and went over to her house early and then now is with her again tonight. I know I'll never know and need to just let it go, and I'm working on it.
So the plan now is to still not say anything and continue along this same course and continue to watch closely his reactions. I certainly can't do this forever as far as "sharing" him with someone else, which is what I feel like I'm doing. It is killing me to ML to him and then have him be with her. But I can feel him coming closer to me, so I just feel like I need to focus on that and keep this course for maybe a few more weeks and see where we are at then. I'm afraid to say or do anything now - I don't want to ruin the progress we've made. At the same time, there is only so long that I can go on with allowing myself to sleep with him and then go back to her. It's not healthy it more ways than one, and it hurts too much. ML MEANS something to me, as I told Jody. That is why this is so hard. And I don't want to minimize that or "cheapen" ML to him. I can only pray that someday ML will be a magical, emotional thing between us again. For now, I just have to look at it as hopefully taking some steps to make us connect again.
Sorry for the long post. I wanted to get you up to date and just needed to vent and get this all out. Thanks for listening. I welcome any input you all have from the outside looking in. This is really, really hard, but I feel like we're moving in the right direction. As much as I want to "check in" with him to see if he feels the same way, I need to wait on that. I'll probably talk to Jody again before making any changes in my current methods of operation. I want to hang in there with this for a while longer and see where it takes us. Wish me luck and strength...
I just woke up and had a horrible dream about getting into a confrontation with H and OW and basically the three of us "having it out." When all was over, H chose to go home with OW. I woke up and immediately started bawling and telling myself that I can't do this anymnore. I feel so good about the progress we have made in the past few weeks, and at the same time my heart is ripping in two from feeling so much closer to him yet knowing he is in her bed right now. Is he confused? Is he having a hard time letting go of her? of me? Am I just overreacting to his own actions the past few weeks? Do they really mean nothing? Help, guys!!! This is so hard.
Can't stop crying this morning. I guess it hurts more than I realized to have him coming closer to me (or so I think) and then go back to her. I took a Xanax this morning - the first one since Easter I think. I'm feeling overwhelmed and am breaking down. I scheduled a session with Jody (DB coach), but she's not available until Monday. I just called again and asked them to call me if she has any cancellations before then. I haven't had a breakdown like this in weeks now.
If anyone is out there with some words of encouragement evailable, I could sure use it...
I am sorry your hurting right now Tam....really I am....but I really don't know what to say without sounding preachy... I think the best thing for you to do at this point is what you have done in the past...pull back, go dark, avoid face to face contact...obviously H is on the fence and you are feeling like the fence post right now...it isn't fair but that is how it is right now... Get busy...go take a walk...exercise is the best emotional booster there is...speaking of which, I have to go to my Jazzercise class...this is MY thing that I do for ME and it really does help... I hope you can start feeling better soon...all I can say is avoid H while you are like this because I know the pot is boiling and you are ready to start spouting some steam...I could see that in the previous postings after you "confirmed" he was with OW...so lay low...and get out and do something for YOU
Thanks, Lin. It's great to hear from you. I hope you are doing well.
I just scheduled an appointment to show our job site to someone in about 45 minutes. It will be good for me to get out of the house for a bit.
Regarding going dark, that was what I initially did a couple of weeks ago before talking to Jody, as I wasn't sure how to handle that he had stayed home for two nights and then told me he'd be home the third night and instead went back to her house. I didn't want to do the wrong thing, so I just went dark and did nothing until I spoke with Jody.
She said the better thing to do than to go dark is to act as if nothing had changed or happened and to keep being the person I was being that hopefully was drawing him closer to me. So that is what I have been continuing to do since then, and it appears to be working. In fact, it's undeniable that it's working in that he has stayed with me 6 times in the past two weeks compared to a TOTAL of 5 times from November through April. I think that speaks for itself. And I think that is why I'm hurting more now. I feel closer to him as well, so it's a greater sense of loss I suppose for him to go back to her now.
I know I shouldn't talk to him when I'm upset. I get that. I'm so afraid of doing something to backslide when I truly feel like we are making some good progress. I also just wish I understood that status of what is going on with them. I have to think that by staying with me so much more in the past couple of weeks than he has been staying with her that she may be starting to get uncomfortable herself. Hopefully that will occur and she will be the one to start smothering him.
So I don't know that going dark is the right thing to do just yet since what I have been doing, which is the exact opposite of that, has seemed to make a huge difference. Yes, it hurt that I did the whole wine and crackers thing yesterday only to have him go back to her, but I just have to pick myself back up and realize that it was maybe too soon for that, but that's okay. I tried and felt good about it. I also have to face the fact that he very well could have felt guilty for staying with me so much and that that is the true reason he couldn't sleep the other night rather than the business. It is what it is. It's better if I just take it at what he said, that he was just having a lot of thoughts about the business. It does me no good to think otherwise.
Thanks again for checking in with me. I hope you enjoy your class.
Honey...you will have some setbacks, here and there...but, you have come a long way...yes, do something for yourself today. Progress is being made...you have seen results...don't try to force it any faster than it will go...it will move at it's own pace.
You are starting to see the positives in letting go of the control...keep going...you are doing great.
