Wife hits me.....need help....

[~Sol]

I understand what you are saying.

Yes, I can't change her or force her to do anything, she won't even agree to go to counseling, and it's driving me nuts. Right now, I guess she's going to have things her way.

I am at my limit here. I'm leaving her alone, and I am just going to do things for me. I'm taking care of myself, and she can take care of herself. I've already begin to divide our obligations. She is dependent on me for a lot of things.

I have been thinking about what is really going to make me happy. I believe that ending this M with her (not necessarily the R), but just the M, will give me peace. We are like two enraged bulls locked in the same cage. One if us has to get out.

1210........................if you don't mind, I would like to email you my complete sitch. I don't want to post it on the boards, but I would greatly appreciate your take on it. It's driving me nuts that I can't post it here, but I feel that soon I should.........I want to be completely transparent here so it can help me more, and maybe help my W.

[osu43130]

I am at my limit here. I'm leaving her alone, and I am just going to do things for me. I'm taking care of myself, and she can take care of herself.

This is all you can do right now brother. Take care of yourself and your D. Keep your cool and dontpush going to C or R talk. Also, If she starts her arguing just validate her feelings and walk away.

Next heated argument.

W: Blah Blah Blah blah Blah You are a Blah bla lah and dont care about me Blah blah blah.
Sol: I am sorry you feel that way. I did not intend to ever hurt you. However, I do not feel that this is the right time to talk about this.

Now this is Sol Walking away from future arguements.

Stay strong and keep your boundries.

[~Sol]

JOyful...

What I got from your post is that I am not DBing....I realize that.

And I am at a crossroads her about whether I want my M or not. I did in the beginning, people like OSU and others helped to get me on the right track.

But it all comes down to what I want....not just what she wants or what "best" for our family....

What I want is to be happy. That's what I want.....

[~Sol]

I am at my limit here. I'm leaving her alone, and I am just going to do things for me. I'm taking care of myself, and she can take care of herself.

This is all you can do right now brother. Take care of yourself and your D. Keep your cool and dontpush going to C or R talk. Also, If she starts her arguing just validate her feelings and walk away.

Next heated argument.

W: Blah Blah Blah blah Blah You are a Blah bla lah and dont care about me Blah blah blah.
Sol: I am sorry you feel that way. I did not intend to ever hurt you. However, I do not feel that this is the right time to talk about this.

Now this is Sol Walking away from future arguements.

Stay strong and keep your boundries.

Very good advice Ben. I will use that argument/validation.

Thanks.

[~Sol]

I am at my limit here. I'm leaving her alone, and I am just going to do things for me. I'm taking care of myself, and she can take care of herself.

This is all you can do right now brother. Take care of yourself and your D. Keep your cool and dontpush going to C or R talk. Also, If she starts her arguing just validate her feelings and walk away.

Next heated argument.

W: Blah Blah Blah blah Blah You are a Blah bla lah and dont care about me Blah blah blah.
Sol: I am sorry you feel that way. I did not intend to ever hurt you. However, I do not feel that this is the right time to talk about this.

Now this is Sol Walking away from future arguements.

Stay strong and keep your boundries.

Very good advice Ben. I will use that argument/validation.

Thanks.

[joyful]

I commend you for understanding.

How can you think by ending the marraige but not the r will happen? Yes, it will bring you both peace. Maybe be friends. But are you ready then for her to move on? Maybe a separation. Time to reflect. Get your wits together. Just some questions to ponder.

Seems like you knew about some of her bad traits at the beginning before you were married. What made you decide to marry her? Maybe you thought she would change then too? What did you see in her in the beginning and what attracted her to you, in your opinion. Was there a time you both got along?

[~Sol]

Oh yes! We both got along, and she wasn't as "aggressive" or unhappy with me then.

Her smile got me hooked, and her interest in me spiked up my interest in her. I was attracted by her sense of happiness with life - but I didn't realize that was undermined by her depression from her past. And my faults was reacting to her and not learning to communicate better.

So we butted heads.....it got worse, it got better, and here we are 10 years later. I think it was the 10 year mark that made her think about her M to me.

[osu43130]

Sol,

Hey brother in one of your post above you hit the nail on the head about DBing.

What I want is to be happy. That's what I want.....

Dbing is not all about saving your M. Saving your M is an out come of saving yourself and becomming happy again. That is when the WAS has to make a choice and see which path THEY want to take. IMHO, DBing is a way to stall a D while you get your life back on track and prove to your WAS that you ARE the best option for them. Durring the proces you make yourself whole again to where your happiness is not found in CODEPENDENCE. Hope that makes sense.

Of course that is just my 2 cents and now I am going to bump it up to 4 cents.

Sol, I have been around your sitch for a long time now and I am going to say something that no one has said to you in a while.

YOU are still codependent on you W for you happines. You are still in now shape to make that desc yet. Yes you are on the fence for filing. However, IMHO filing is not going to solve your issues. YOU still want your family and YOU still love your W.

I hope you understand the point that I am getting at here. My point is that you still have to find happiness with in yourself before you can truely move on or forward.

[MuddleThrough]

Sol,

I wanted to give you a quick warning about some advice you got here:

W: Blah Blah Blah blah Blah You are a Blah bla lah and dont care about me Blah blah blah.
Sol: I am sorry you feel that way. I did not intend to ever hurt you. However, I do not feel that this is the right time to talk about this.

This statement has been a point of contention between my W and me. It sounds to her like I'm saying "I have no responsibility in your feeling that way", which comes across as smug, detached, uncaring. I have read in a couple of books where this sort of statement is advised as a step towards empathy and away from enmeshment. Her feelings are hers, and you are not responsible for them, nor is any action/reaction required of you. Perhaps you could communicate this same sentiment acknowledging her feeling (or empathizing - saying "I would feel XYZ in this situation, so I can really understand why you're feeling ABC") without discounting them, even if it's done subtly. "I'm sorry you feel that way" might imply that her feelings are bad, or that they're a problem - that there's something wrong with her. There's not, she's feeling a human feeling. You're human too - if you choose to connect on that level, to look for the similarities, the points of connection, you'll be able to better empathize with her, she'll feel heard, and you'll get along better, regardless what your relationship is at that point. I think that's worth striving for.

I agree with Joyful that you are pointing fingers to avoid facing your own stuff. The drama stirred up in this thread also seems to serve as a smokescreen. Remember, whenever you see another person as holding the power to change and make something right for you, you are ignoring your own power and influence in the situation. You can give her incentive to change (and this is one of the biggest positive relationship changes you can make) through boundaries. If you predetermine what behavior you will accept from your W, and what your response will be if she crosses the line, you will both be in a better place. She will have incentive to change (you're not doing this to change her, you're doing this to ensure you exist in the kind of environment you want to), and you will have peace of mind.

I don't think you should worry about whether you want the marriage or not right now. To me thinking about leaving seems like the ultimate trump card in a power grab. Whoever is on the verge of walking in a relationship has the most power. Do you really want a relationship that's about power? You have power whether you exert it in this way or in a positive, constructive way (even if you choose to leave, you can do so from a positive, constructive place). Try and step out of the power struggle and just connect as humans. You'll both always be humans, whether you're married or not. You have the power to choose to connect, or to see the other as the reason you don't have control or power. What you focus on grows - you get to choose whether you want to focus on your lack of control (over your W and her choices, over the future of your marriage, etc) or on the power you have to grow, to connect, to appreciate, etc.

[osu43130]

Muddle is absolutely right Sol, I never thought about it that way nor did I mean for it to come across that way. I was smply trying to get you to validate her feeling without putting all of the blame on her.