W had a talk with me this morning..no need to go somewhere else for the night, but I do have someplace with a good Navy friend who is church-going and has a stable family.
She was extremely calm, and told me she wasn't fighting, but talking.
THAT is a first. I was stunned.
Then she told me she was upset that I told rumors about her having a "lover". A red flag went up, and I thought she was trying to bait me on the spot, but I responded that I am jealous, and because of that I have acted in those ways. The convo didn't get too far as I had to leave for work. She brought this up because she told me people at work are "talking", but she is really just dwelling on the emails OM sent her, and she can't get that out of her head...
Anyway, it ended there, she was trying to get me upset, so I left. She was getting emotional herself and I knew now was not the time to have this talk....but she did initiate it, and she is talking about it now. Our issues are getting out on the table, slowly but surely. And I am still firm about what I want out of this M.
I called her later from work to talk about some other small issues like bills, and at the end of the phone call she says ILY. She was calm and soft in her tone.
So that's the current update....
Oh, wife also said this to me that I thought was noteworthy....
She said something that bugged me - she said "Whatever happens between us - you should keep doing your art, use your talent."......
Last edited by sol1696; 05/16/0701:48 PM.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Sol, strike while the irons hot! If she's in a remorseful mood, then hit her with the counselling idea. Don't wait for the cycle to get going again, nip it now. Step up and do something different. If you want to work this out then you do have to let go of this obsession with wanting her to confess the A. It won't happen. You must get by this. Do the work where she's willing to start, but start. Don't bother reading into anything, that is reactive. Be proactive. Now, does she have a point re you causing her problems at her workplace? I venture to say YES. If I recall, you told us that you talked to her supervisor about the possibility of an A between your W and the OM. So, she has a right to be royally pissed at that. Do you agree? If so, say "Yes, you are right. I was wrong to have done that. I apologize." Take the wind out of her sails. Then say "what do we want instead" point the conversation towards the future instead of dwelling in all sh!t that has just passed. Re-hashing that endlessly will just lead to blame talk, defensiveness, anger and more of the same. Gotta run. But, that's my 2 cents for what it's worth.
Hi Sol.. been thinking about you. Just remember that with all of this advice, you need to decide what is right for YOU. Lots of options to consider but it still sounds like in the end, you want to work it out with your W. I like what whatisis says..
Here at home with a messed up W, well, not yet at the point where we need to be.
Things are calm, for once, and I will not blow up this weekend. I got too many important things to do than waste time and energy on her - she still needs to sort out her own mess, but she still points the finger at me to some extent. This is going to be a waiting game, but I am short on patience......
The good news is that there is more communication between us, other than R talks.....but she will bring up something I did in the past, and she still thinks I talk crap about her - which I don't. I'm past that now.
She's still bossy, making her nest, and she still gets rude. At least she goes out of her way to help me pack my lunch and deal with the kids....OH...she even helped out with the bills today!
Will post more later. I am beat.....
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I have been reading your threads all the way back and if you really want to fix this you need to stop trying to fix her. You blame her for it all but honestly this last thread I am sure from reading past threads that she was on the receiving end of your rage also. You start this thread as if you were the perfect husband and never did to her what she finally snapped here doing.
I am very abrupt at times but feel someone can't sugar coat something and expect things to turn around. Its not going to and it will get worse as it goes on. I lived it. Its not your wife and her being nuts or crazy. Its the dynamics of your marraige and both of you contributed to it. Your just trying to find a way to dig her under since your upset she is not acting like you want her to.
You are too much into trying to change her into your perfect world instead of focusing on yourself and what you can change. You can't do that. It will only cause tension and arguements. She is human, remember? Faults and all. And you seem to carry on and go at her when she clearly doesn't want to talk about certain things till she can't take it no more.
You can't change her again. Remember that. Only you can change. You can't make her act like you want, only you can set the example for it and pray she will follow. If you are true to your word you will not try to undermine her but work with her and acept her shortcomings and such.
Do you appreciate she makes your lunch or do you take it for granted that she must do it? Of course she is going to deal with the kids cause they are hers also.
Not even 8 hours later you have a different opinion on her. You are focusing on changing her and if she isn't what you want her to be you automatically want to call it off again. Do you want this marraige or not? Your either in it or not. Focus on you and how you can become a better parent and husband and try your best to make her happy. Not elaborate on her faults and what you dislike about her. She will automatically put up a defensive front and an arguement will ensue. Tell her what is good about her instead and leave the rest out. Don't over analyze things. Try it out for a couple weeks and see how she treats you then. Its really hard to change habits that we are so used to doing. As time goes by and you figure what works and what doesn't, it will steer you more toward acceptance of who she is. This is the true person you married. You can't change it and need to accept her for who she is. Not try to mold her into what you want her to be.
