New data. My wife called OM this evening, and talked for 40 minutes. They exchanged over a dozen text messages today, including him trying to buck her up to "be bold" and to "be honest" with me at our lunch today. Her responses were "I can't" and "It's hard when it will hurt someone", etc.
NOP, she looked me right in the eye and LIED to me today when I asked her if she had feelings for this guy. I even MENTIONED HIM BY NAME. She looked right at me and denied it.
This task ahead of me is going to be hard enough if she's completely HONEST with me; how can I possibly do it if she's going to lie???
I think it's time to confront -- her AND him.. I will wait for the weekend, after my D18's graduation, so as not to upset the family unit on her special day. I could use some advice as to how to play this, as what we have is a VERY eager OM, a reluctant (but still cooperating) MILF, who is flat-out lying to her husband about the EA.
I've gotta tell you, it's taking everything in my being to not just tell her I'm done. I will fight at this for two years, if that's what it takes, if she joins me in the fight and if she's honest with me. But this just frosts my ass, and I can't tolerate it. I will have NO CREDIBILITY with her if I do!
I only asked he for ONE thing today. I didn't ask her if she still loved me, I didn't ask her to please stay with me, I didn't ask her for any sort of commitments other than the MC.
I asked her to be honest. And she couldn't do it.
Who knows, you may tell me this is completely normal, and it's all this gambit and that counter-gambit. Right now, I gotta tell you, that's awfully hard to see.
...she looked me right in the eye and LIED to me today when I asked her if she had feelings for this guy. I even MENTIONED HIM BY NAME. She looked right at me and denied it.This task ahead of me is going to be hard enough if she's completely HONEST with me; how can I possibly do it if she's going to lie???
I asked her to be honest. And she couldn't do it.
Hi Choc,
I can completely empathize with you because I always trusted my wife and could never believe she would lie to me.
In our very first MC session, she was the one that said: "I need to be honest with you...I need some time alone." Well, she has told me so many lies since stating the need to be honest, and each lie that I recognize, cuts like a knife.
Put on the chainmail of chivalrous dignity, and go forward with courage as you have been, in excellent manner recently.
Best wishes,
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
It occurs to me, upon further reflection, that OM may not necessarily be saying "be honest about us." He may just be encouraging her to be honest with me about her need for "space," or perhaps a lack of feelings for me anymore, or just her overall unhappiness. (But if she told him that she'd already sent me her reply to my e-mail, NONE of that would have been something that she would have had to be "bold" about -- it would have been stuff I already knew.) He may just be trying to get her out, on her own, and away from me, so that he can move in.
Still, she is lying to me, at a time when our entire family is in crisis. I will put up with just about anything (to a fault). I put up with 3 years of no sex, and 5 years of ML 2-3x.
I expected this, and had warned you, but you had to find out for yourself. That's just the way it works. Guys have a much harder time with the information in general than the ladies.
So. She is a cheater and all cheaters lie. You just learned that first hand. Next hard subject to broach. It is extremely likely that she has been physical with this guy.
Now you know. Big deal. It isn't the end of the world.
Next issue. You are going to have to handle this in stride, and NOT CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE OR CHANGE THE JACKET. The stakes are still the same as when you started.
Don't confront her or him yet. Let me help with that. There is a right way to do it, and the wrong way will do more damage than good.
Don't expect her to be honest with you. It won't happen for a while yet, and even then, it is going to take time for your trust to return.
Keep doing what we have talked about. Don't let this thing get control of your brain. It is simply a problem to be worked. No more, no less. Disconnect from it. That IS important.
I will be out most of the day Friday. I will be back late afternoon and I am available as well in email dufellow2003@yahoo.com
Stop worrying about how to work this with her lying all through it. It is doable.
Hang in there and do nothing drastic in the mean time.
Do invite your wife out for diner and a movie over the weekend. If she decides to go out "with the girls", then try to find something for the whole family to do together instead.
Family time just became your biggest weapon. Use it. Find stuff to do. Do stuff often.
Hang in there hero, the fire is just warming up.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Man that is tough. And to actually "hear" the words too.
I'm sure there are a lot of suspicions running through your mind right now, like "is she finally talking just because she thinks it will deflect suspicion away from OM?", etc.
But that is not important now. What is important is that what you are doing, what you started a few days ago, is the right thing to do ... for YOU and for your family. It doesn't matter if she is 100% sincere right now. You are still doing the right thing.
I hope you get a good MC that can spot what is going on right away.
I may be remembering wrong but I think you said that you hadn't eaten in two days? BTDT my friend. I lost about 25 pounds in two months during the peak of my EA. You can't do that to your body my man. Treat yourself to your favorite restaurant if you can swing it sometime soon. Get yourself a box of Wheat Thins or something semi-healthy and munch away.
Good luck to you. I wish you the best. I really hope NOPkins intuition is wrong and it is only just the beginning of an EA.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
You need to gear up and read Grasshopper's tale here on the boards. The OM is really not the issue, but he is a detail that will need to be dealt with.
You have begun to assert yourself. Don't let it explode in your face just because you caught her in a lie. Now is the time to anchor the feelings you've started to generate. You need to show her you ARE the best alternative. Continue now that you can see it's having an effect. Keep working on being the "best choice".
I see many positives and you need to keep track of those. Keep your true goals in mind. Your boundaries are important but sometimes you need to take a loss in one area to win in another. It's not a game but it is a plan. Keep improving and be the best person you can be and if she, after you look in the mirror and say "I'm the best I can be and have done all I can", still doesn't chose you then your conscience is clear.
