NikkiB #15 (moving to Piecing)

[Confident_Me]

Hiya Nikki! Just wanted to congratulate you on your move to piecing


I seem to be the one who locked your thread in newcomers with my last post so I'm not sure if you got some of the info for your pup that I put in there?



Take care, you're doing GREAT!!
((((Nikki))))

[NikB]

C_M - hi! Thanks for checking in. And yes, I did get that info about my pup, thank you!! I tried to reply over there and realize it was locked, then forgot to post a thank you over here. The pet food recall is SO scary. Hope your kitties didn't get any bad food.

I actually ordered a sample pack of the kibble they mentioned on the food page, to see how she likes it. She eats Innova now, which is already a really high quality food (lots of human grade ingredients, low grain content, etc.). It was kind of good timing to feed her home-cooked chicken and rice for awhile, helps me not to worry as much about the food. I'm sure she needs a more balanced diet for the long term though.

[NikB]

Hi ST - thanks for posting!

Yeah, I decided to hold off on bringing up OW/PW again for the moment. Like you said I get the feeling he's slowly moving in the right direction, so I decided to give it a week and see how things go.

I do know the happy hour thing will be awkward. He can pro-actively invite other people to go, but she works right next to his spot in the shop, and all the guys congregate there before going out. So she'd know, and it would be pretty obvious he's excluding her. Most likely she would assume she's invited, and he'd have to actually tell her NOT to go... which kinda sucks for H. This happened at New Year's believe it or not - I had told H and he had told her in October/November that I was done with the whole thing, I had no control over him but I was not subjecting MYSELF to being around her anymore. She STILL tried to invite herself over for New Year's when she overheard the guys at the shop talking about our party, and she pouted when H told her no. He had to repeat it several times that she was NOT welcome and would be kicked out of the house if she showed up (I had already told H I'd call the police if he didn't handle it himself).

But anyway, I finally have realized THAT part of it is not my problem... that part's on H to figure out. I'm waiting to see if the problem happens again and will address it then, if it does.

ST haha thank you for asking your H about that, but no worries. I can see why it'd be hard to talk about and he'd rather leave it in the past.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

your welcome Nikki. I wish H was more open, maybe someday, or not. Even so, I've learned a lot and I feel I can help others with that even if I don't have "his" side of it.

[NikB]

Thanks again ST. Absolutely, you have been a tremendous help to me and I know to many others. Don't worry about your H - your M is a lot more important than helping us here, as much as I appreciate your help!

Hey I realized the "haha" about asking H may have come out totally wrong in "web speak" - I hope not! But wanted to clarify. I didn't mean it as funny that you asked or his response, as I really appreciate that. I was "laughing" at your comment/wink about it not being much help. My H gives vague answers like that too where I walk away going "Wait WHAT did he just tell me??" so that's what got me laughing.

[NikB]

Quick journaling...

Things seem good with H. He's not home tonight but called very early to tell me he was going to a (male) friend's house to work on a hobby car. Happily I believe it and am not even doubting that he might be somewhere else.. feels good.

Had a funny conversation with a mutual friend tonight (will call her J to avoid total confusion). J came into our lives as a friend's (I'll call him M) girlfriend at a time when H was "hanging out" with OW/PW a lot and trying to get me to be friends with PW. So a few different times it was me, H, OW/PW, J, and M all packed into our little boat. J FLIPPED OUT when she found out that OW/PW was H's friend and not mine - said she wanted to kick PW's a$$ and honestly gave me most of the strength to cut ties with PW. She flat out said (in her very strong Welsh accent) "You deserve better, don't let him disrespect you like that, it's disgusting!" - and the same night gave a similar spiel to H. During the separation she told me that she loved us both and would support us both no matter what, but she really took me in and tried to help me quite a bit.

So anyway tonight J skeptically said "So I hear you're back together. Is it going well?" I said yes, and she said "Well is PW out of the picture?" I said "Mostly." And she said "Don't do it. Don't tolerate it, it's disgusting, it's disrespectful and you don't deserve it.." .. went on for probably 5 full minutes about PW. At the end I told her I knew, and H seemed to be breaking ties w/her, and that his personality had changed back to normal almost like a switch had flipped. Very cool reply to that - she said "Well can't wait to meet the real man, then, I only knew him when she was influencing your lives but I do want you both to be happy." Cool lady eh??

And I know even with all my GALing it's kinda silly, but I was proud I called her... it's STILL hard for me to proactively call people.

[ourcrisis]

NikkiB, i am glad i found your thread. My h is back after PA/EA, and by his definition "dumped" her (meaning he said it will not work out between them). we are piecing but H is still talking to OW (claims he is not seeing her but i do not know). We are due to move FAR AWAY soon so h is saying it will only be a short so why can't he just talk to her (so she does not hurt so much?). According to him "it will be over soon". I have trouble accepting that. Reading your situation, I can seeing my own situation better and hopefully i will find a way to handle my own feelings better. thanks.

[NikB]

Ourcrisis - glad it has been helpful.

I really have tried to see this from H's side and it is TOUGH... I get that it's awkward and all but it's really hard for me to understand how he can't just say "Get out of my life" and then DO it. And it's even tougher to find any kind of empathy for the OW, that's for sure. I'm supposed to care if SHE is hurt???

But - now that they are back and trying to work on things, I am seeing more and more how important it is to keep expressing the hurt it causes when they're in contact, if you know about it. It hasn't come up again but I am fully prepared when/if I find out that H has called or "hung out" with her - "Wow H that really hurts, we've talked about her not being a friend to me or our marriage and it's very painful to me that you continue to have any non-work contact with her. I want to build a great M with you but I can't be sure of us doing that if you won't cut off contact with her." Or the short but sweet version - "H it really hurts that you continue to contact her outside of work. Let me know when you've fully cut off contact with her so we can continue to rebuild our M together."

I may work on Oldtimer's "cut the crap" too. I like it.

It's a balancing act for sure... letting yourself trust as much as you can vs. knowing when you're being "played" and addressing it.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

no misunderstanding the laughter! ya, I do the same thing with my H..."ok...wait, what?"

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"H it really hurts that you continue to contact her outside of work. Let me know when you've fully cut off contact with her so we can continue to rebuild our M together."

I like how you worded that last line. or maybe even say "start" instead of "continue". ?

I know this leaves a time span open of when will he do it, but after reading For Women Only, I really feel we need to let our H's make the decisions for themselves. Plus you WANT to let them make it. you don't want them to do it because you TOLD them to. You want them to do it because THEY wanted to. That is how I looked at it, and I'm so very glad I let it happen that way.