Quoting LL:there are a lot of possitives, focus on them or you will be pulled into a neg world you don't want to live in.
I agree I am getting pulled into this negative world and I really am doing my best to climb out. It's like a damn black hole, not even light can escape. I appreciate you pointing out some of the positive things that occured the last couple of days. Good reality check. Maybe I really now need to make a concerted effort to focus on the positive things and try to ignore the negative. Easier said than done, but I think I better. Thanks... It's true what I've heard a number of people say, DBing really becomes a challenge with our Ses come home (of course, I'm speaking more figuratively when I say "coming home"). So, in light of what you have made me see, LL, I will post a few positive things that have occurred over the last couple of days: - W snuggles lots in bed each night...always touching. - W now puts "love W" on notes. - W held my hand in bed the other morning and this morning. - W gave me some time to myself yesterday after work to do some woodworking. - W went to church with me on Sunday. - W and I have been talking more lately...just about anything. - W wants to go to New Mexico for April anniversary. - W is reading Love Languages and seems to be applying "some" of the principles, such as little touches here and there and words of affirmation. - W is on a path of really getting herself in shape at the gym. - W got an employment application for a place she's interested in working. - W has acknowledged my positive changes and encourages me all of the time. - W calls me at work a little more these days. - W is doing more positive stuff with the kids...really trying to connect. - W is not smoking as much as she was, and has even said she doesn't crave it very much. - W is not going to bars like she was. - W is more pleasant to be around...and alien doesn't show up as much.
LL, I guess after looking over my list, I have little to complain about...
Abby, did you get my pics?
Quoting KAW:The way you described the vacuum incident, I preceive that she does understand you are hurting bad, but she also admires and appreciates the effort you are putting forth to work on putting it behind you.
I think you're right, KAW. Two times in the last few weeks she has interpreted my pain of her A as me not wanting to try and fix our M. I used the incident the other day as a way of letting her know I'm working through it as best I can and that I have not given up...even though I DO feel like giving up sometimes.
Quoting RJJ:Shall I practice my karate kicks for my H and your W?
YES!!! And now I can really picture you doing this!
Yes I did. Now I am trying to figure out how to open the file. The computer at home wont even open it. The computer at work as Kodakpic program but it wont open it. So, what program am I supposed to use. I know I am techno challenge. But I will figure this out.
You have lots of good things going for you...as for telling your wife how much you are hurting...it's goodfor her to really know, but don't say it too many times...tell her also when you're not feeling so much pain, and that things are getting better for you...I look back and my h and I have really never complimented each other..or praised each other, so the last time he dropped me off at home I said "thanks for the movie" and he kinda smiled and said"your welcome" we forget to look at the good in our s when all we have known for along time is hurt..when we can do more of that, then healing continues. take care Sue
jethro thankyou for your post. i needed an example. there are a lot of positives in your relationship. it took my h a couple monthes to really become totally "human" even after we started working on our R. these things take time to process for both people.
what about skunk instead of skank? skunk being the masculine version. i agree they must be in pain, because happy people do not set out to destroy another's family. i liked what you said about them flailing about in pain. it in no way gives them the right to spread their sh*t to others.
my mil who i really love and supported me so much in all this asked me what i thought i did in a past life to deserve the bad kharma i had in this marriage. i must have been an amazon warrior man killer.
How are you feeling today? Positive I hope - lots of baby steps?
There is a light out there in the distance, sometimes the clouds get in the way, however, that breeze is dependable and will blow them on so that we can keep sight of the light - do you get what I am trying to say?
Stay strong
Dienne - Focusing on what's precious, the rest doesn't matter
Hey jethro, sorry I haven't posted on your thread in a while, but really didn't feel I had anything to add. I just wanted to wish your sister the best of luck, and I'm really happy for your whole family.
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Abby, I'll resent pics to you in their native format, but the e-mail will be bigger.
Sue, I agree it's important to also indicate when I'm NOT feeling crappy. I did this last night when we were having our serious R talk. I find when we have our most critical talks is when I'm most calm...odd...
Lisa, I like "skunk." I might just adopt that over OM!
Dienne, I'm feeling quite a bit better today. Thanks.
Well, everyone, my W and I had a big R talk last night. We talked about everything. Admittedly, I initiated it because I had a couple of questions about OM (skunk), but more importantly, I also wanted to find out WHY the A happened...and what occurred in our R to have this happen, so we could prevent it from happening again. The latter was my real goal.
It lasted several hours and it was very cordial. Nobody got pissed and we talked like friends. It was kind of wierd. I wanted to get an idea of where her head is right now, so she just was frank and told me that she's here for the kids and that if there were no kids, she would S to think about things. Well, okay, it isn't rocket science to figure that one out. Some highlights are as follows: - She sometimes feels that "love" for me. YEAH! - She feels she needs space. She had a hard time trying to explain this one to me. What it came down to was that she would like it if I was gone sometimes (even used the biz trip example), so she could have alone time. I guess I'll have to make some arrangements to get away. Here I come, Umbrella! - She sometimes feels like we can work it out and othertimes not. Duh! - She wonders "why I put up with her." Instead of answering this, I just said, "Why do you think?" She listed a few things like, "because you know I'm really a good person, that you love me, that you think we're meant to be together." I added the children, but didn't say too much. I kind of debunked her "meant to be together thing." I used to feel that way, now I'm not sure. I think that threw her off because she has always thought that I'm a sure thing. NOT! - She told me that she feels she needed space or to be separate from me. She then asked, "shouldn't I be true to myself?" Ohh...this was the most difficult question I had to answer last night. What I ended up telling her (after validating her feelings) was that the pain she feels is hers...and that it really isn't a result of external things like our M or the kids, etc. It's hers and she has to work it out. And eliminating all of the good things in her life will not relieve the pain...it will still exist. In her case this is true...although our R has deteriorated over the years, which also plays into it. I still wonder if it's an MLC with her, as she said, "I know it sounds like a cliche, but it's me not you. You are doing all you can for our R, and there's little more you can do." She just thinks she missed out a lot by never being on her own and getting M too soon. - She bluntly asked me what I thought about our situation and her and such, so I pretty much laid the cards on the table. In addition to telling her that it's her pain to deal with, I said that I thought she has selectively chosen to focus on the negative aspects of our R over the last years while forgetting about all of the good stuff. I just told her it was all a state of mind. She listened very openly and actually said that she thought the truth lay in the middle of what she thinks and what I think. Well, it's a start... - After we talked for a while and she being pretty blunt with me about her state of mind, she asked "are you okay talking about this? Does this bother or upset you?" She was really looking at me to gauge my reaction. I said, "no, actually I feel just fine," which I did. I actually felt pretty damn good that we were being so open with one another...as I think it helps build intimacy. Also, by me NOT reacting to anything she says I believe it makes it more safe for her to tell me things. - I asked "why the A." Her response was that it brought up certain feelings that she hadn't had in a long time, was exciting because she was with someone new, etc. Not too much here. I asked how she felt after cheating the first time...did she cry. She said she felt empty, that she was fully cognizant that what she was doing was wrong, but did it anyway. She said the "act" itself was fun, but not much else. Not sure whether to believe that last statement because why would she stay in contact (telephone) with the guy several months after "calling it off?" I even asked her this and her response was that she was just used to talking to him. Whatever! It's got EA all over it... - I asked if she's ever tempted to call OM. She said, yes at first, then later clarified that all of that stuff's fading. GOOD! - Found out that she doesn't really talk about our R because she thinks I don't want to talk about it! I told her I haven't been talking about it for the same reason. This was kind of an interesting realization. She did say, however, that it's uncomfortable for her to talk about the A, but that she's fine about talking about our R.
So, those were the core parts of our conversation last night. It was nice because she was in a place where she could both express herself well and accept what I had to say. As expected, she's acting a bit funky this morning, as I just got a voicemail from her. Oh, well, I'm not going to get caught in her mood. I'm feeling pretty good. BTW, I asked what she was thinking the other day when she put her hands on my face and had tears in her eyes. I was right: guilt.
That was a deep R talk indeed. Very constructive by the sounds of it. You both understand each other more and it looks like there will be plenty more R talks to come now that you both realise it's okay to discuss the R openly. As the A fades for you, I think so will her guilt, which will hopefully mean less funks. Time. This all takes time, let's learn to embrace it - I need to take that advice too!
You're doing good
Dienne - Focusing on what's precious, the rest doesn't matter
Thanks for the pictures. Your kids are adorable. And as Floyd would say you and your wife are attractive people. Who is the guy in the picture w/you? Hope your having a good day. A
I appreciate you pointing out some of the positive things that occured the last couple of days. Good reality check. Maybe I really now need to make a concerted effort to focus on the positive things and try to ignore the negative. Easier said than done, but I think I better. Thanks... It's true what I've heard a number of people say, DBing really becomes a challenge with our Ses come home (of course, I'm speaking more figuratively when I say "coming home"). So, in light of what you have made me see, LL, I will post a few positive things that have occurred over the last couple of days:
But I will figure this out. 
