Thanks Oldtimer. I think what hurts is I thought I DID tell him that and he's doing it anyway. It went from him hurting me but maybe not realizing it to intentionally doing something he KNOWS hurts me. And I don't know what to do about it.
Maybe the boundary just needs to be repeated.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Yes, and it's NOT an unreasonable boundary!!! This woman almost destroyed your marriage, it is NOT okay for him to be going out in these small groups with her. Either you go with, or he doesn't go.
I know we get caught up in trying to be "reasonable, trusting" spouses, but I'll say it again, this is NOT an unreasonable boundary. She shouldn't be calling him and he shouldn't be seeing her outside of work. Period. And even if this request WAS "unreasonable", your H should be happy to accomodate it just so that you don't have to worry.
I totally agree. HE is the one who made the choice to cross the line... and believe me he did, no matter if it was a PA or not. This is his fault, not yours. You have every right to feel how you do. I would be sick to my stomach just knowing my H was still working with the woman. well, more so if there was a PA, but still.
It is bothering you because it should. It wasn't right in the beginning, and because he crossed the line of friendship, it's too late. If he really wants his M to work, he needs to keep her out of his life and yours as much as possible.
Why don't you ask him what he thinks is acceptable? If your positions were reversed, what would he expect you to do if you were in his shoes? You need to find out what he really expects out of this now. Either he can't help himself and does still have a little feeling for her (my H kept trying to put the friends thing on me too, and I'm like, I'm not stupid, you thought you loved her and she was perfect for you, that just doesn't go away overnight), or he really really thinks that nothing is going to happen again so why is it a big deal, or he's kinda feeling left out at the functions at work and thinks do I have to stay home just because she's there.
yes this totally totally sucks. you know I've been thru this time too. H txt to OW for like 4 months after he came back to me. maybe I need to ask him, what was it exactly that made you stop txting OW back? was it something I said or did, or something that you realized? I'll try to ask him. He hates it when I bring this stuff up, but I'm just like, gosh, if only he was as open as I was about this...just think how many people, especially men, he could help. oh well. he doesn't think it's his job.
like I said, I think you need to sit down with him sometime and ask him what he really thinks is appropriate. Then whatever he says, you can either say, yes, that is what I want, or this is not appropriate to me and as long as you attend functions, alone, with her involved, in my eyes, the EA is not over.
Have you said to him, okay, there is a guy in the singles group that I really enjoyed talking to, would you think it was appropriate for me to go hang out with him and some other girls or men sometime? If he says no, well then I'm thinking "DUH", but if he says ya, if your just friends and your with a group why not, well then say, okay, what if me and this guy had previously had an EA (or however you want to explain how he acted with OW). SURELY he would hate that.
Sometimes people just can't "see" it until they are put in another persons shoes. I did that with my H, but you know that I really did have someone else at one time, and I think he understood. But it did take a little time for him to stop txting her back. But for him, he had the PA and I think he had been really really pulled in to the A, not so much as your H.
okay, that got really long. Glad to hear the pup is good, and you just keep taking care of yourself. You are still on the right path.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Ellie maybe that's it - I'm trying to be TOO "reasonable and trusting." And I guess I'm still a little shaky on fully trusting that he's back, so I worry that pressuring him on this point will make him run again. Gotta work on that.
ST - NOT that I wanted it to be a PA, but I've read a lot of times that men are more hurt by a PA while women are more hurt by an EA. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier for him to understand my feelings if it HAD gone even further over the line into a PA and removed this "But nothing happened" element.
I think you probably called it and it's a combo of both of these things:
Quote:
he really really thinks that nothing is going to happen again so why is it a big deal, or he's kinda feeling left out at the functions at work and thinks do I have to stay home just because she's there.
But you're right, I should ask and see what his response is.
The after work stuff is hard. A big part of me thinks it's unfair to ask him not to go at all just because she happens to go too (they're all mechanics and several are friends outside of work - the after-work beer is kind of a bonding thing for them). It's the intent behind it that I actually care about. As in, would he go anyway whether she was there or not? Then I'm ok with it. But if he's going because she's there or it's basically them going and 1-2 people tagging along, it's NOT OK with me. Seems like an awfully blurry boundary though.
I have thought a lot about whether it should be "not OK unless I'm with you" but ugh.. I'm really not sure I want to put myself back in THAT position again.
I am still kind of hung up on some of the things he said shortly post-bomb I think, too. For example encouraging me to go out with other men so I could find someone else and make it easier for him to leave. So I have this fear that if I mention the scenario you described, about the guy in the singles group, that H would go "Oh great, so glad you have alternatives in mind, I'm outta here!" I need to keep in mind that we're both in a different place mentally/emotionally than we were in those days.
I was thinking more about it and realized why the whole "I'm being honest" thing got to me so much. He's trying to get off the hook for things he knows will hurt me and make it OK because he's being honest about it. ST I tried your "put myself in someone else's shoes" idea and turned it around - it's not OK for me to go jump in bed with some other guy just because I tell H about it later, right? I mean can you imagine? "But honey why are you upset I slept with another guy? I'm being honest! Don't you want me to be honest?" And all last year he was honest with me... heck a lot of the inappropriate crap took place right in front of me, literally! That doesn't make it OK. It's a step up from hiding or lying about it, but barely. I deserve better than that.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
(1) You don't need to repeat the boundary, you need to enforce it. "H, it is not OK with me for you to be involved with PW outside of the office. If this continues, then I will be very hurt that you are risking the health of our M and an exciting chance we both have to build a wonderful M for PW. For me, this will certainly undermine our M, and I am scared that I will quit wanting to be in it with you."
(2) Can you check in on Donna? I won't be around much and she is having a tough time. H has been lying about PW again (uggghhh, gut punch).
Thanks Oldtimer. I checked in on Donna just now and will continue to. It's very sweet of you to mention that and help find extra support for her - thank you!!
I think I see what you're saying on the boundary. It's kind of repeating it but with more emphasis, especially on the possible consequences. I am so frustrated to even have to be talking about this. There are so many positive things we could be working on together, and going over and over this PW situation is just aggravating.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
"I am scared that I will quit wanting to be in it with you"
that was a good line OT
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hey Nikki, sorry to hear you're faced with this PW crap again, hope you can work thru it with your H and use it to build your relationship instead of tear away at it.
I realize I only posted some of the negative stuff here and really things are going SO well, except for this one issue. Lots and lots of positives all weekend long.. <sigh>.. just wish I could erase this one issue completely.
Maybe I should just work on getting her fired so I KNOW she won't be at work related events.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
