Thanks so much, 1210. It's great to hear from you again. How are you feeling? Better I hope.
Yes, I know you're right that there will be setbacks. I just have to hang in there and be happy about the huge amount of progress we've made in the past few weeks. I know he cares about her and that it will be hard to cut ties with her. As much as that hurts me to know that, I do understand it. However, it is something that he obviously will need to do at some point if we are to truly get past this. For me, it's just a matter of how long I can/want to go on like this...
The Xanax has kicked in and I am in lala land, which I guess is good for now to have the nerves calmed back down. Will see what transpires today and tomorrow. We have a meeting with some investors tomorrow for several hours during the day.
I'm not sure how to handle today. I know he's supposed to be working on his car and putting the engine back in all day today over at his parents' house, so I'm sure he'll be absorbed in that. If I haven't heard from him, I may just give him a quick call later - or maybe even just forward him a voicemail message - just to say hi and say some flirtatious things... God give me strength...
I'm still having a really hard day today and need you guys' support. I had my appointment at the job site, which went well. Then I decided to treat myself to a movie. I went to see Spiderman 3. It was good, but I found myself crying... And when the movie was over I went into hysterics crying again... Had to take another Xanax, as I have another appointment at the job site in about a half an hour.
I decided to call H just to check in and say hi and ask if he wanted to go to the car races tonight and maybe ask his parents to go since I knew he was suppposed to be over there working on his car today.
I'm probably just being sensitive, but he seemed so cold when he answered the phone and while he was talking to me. He said he was working on the car and that things were going okay with working on it. I asked if he had thought about going to the races tonight, and he said that he didn't really want to go, that he wanted to get as much done as he could on his car. So I've now asked him to do quite a few things with me in the past week or so, and he has said no to almost everything. Even yesterday he was hesitant to even want to take me to the park.
Guys, I just feel so lost today. What is coming over me? Why am I hurting so bad? I feel like I've lost so much ground. And I'm probably just being overly sensitive to his actions, but I'm just hurting so much.
I wasn't able to talk to Jody today unfortunately... I wanted to get her input as to what I should do. Part of me just wants to break down and talk to him and find out what's going through his mind, but then the other part of me doesn't want to risk losing what we've hopefully gained. I just feel "strange" since he left early Friday morning, like he's pulling away from me a bit. I don't know if he feels guilty for being with HER and so it's easier on his conscious of he's not as nice to ME???
I just want this day to end... Help, guys!!!! I need a hand up.
you need to detach a bit here...you are starting to pursue him...asking him to go places with you and do things with you...this is what he gets after spending time with you and then returning "to his other life"...you turn needy and this will help reinforce his belief that things haven't changed...this is just a thought... I still say...leave him be until he moves back towards you...don't find excuses to call him, don't invite him places with you...just go on about business "as if" you have your own life to lead... I can tell you what is happening...he got your hopes up...gave of himself to you for 6 nights at home...this was enough to hook you back up emotionally... It is especially during these times that you need the distance because I can see you starting to rationalize a R talk...tell him how you feel...lay it all out there...ask him if you two are going to be "okay"...you are setting yourself up...time to back down and get back to your life Tam...the one where you can control yourself and you don't have to rely on Xanax to make it through the day...
Jody actually advised me to start asking him to go places with me, not to dinners or places where he might be worried that R talk would come up, but rather to fun places that he would enjoy, like the races. She said this would be a good test to see how my actions were influencing him. I told her I wanted to feel connected to him again and to spend time with him OUTSIDE of our bedroom. So this is what she suggested and to see how he reacts. So far, he wants to be in the bedroom more but not do much outside the bedroom, although he has invited me to lunch and dinner a few times himself.
You're right that I feel my emotions getting wrapped up again. I just don't know how to continue along this same pathway of what I'm doing and NOT have them get wrapped up into it... I guess it's just something I'm going to have to deal with if I choose to continue this course for a while. I don't feel like I'm chasing or pursuing him, but rather being friendly and outgoing and flirtatious, and he seems to be responding to that somewhat. I do feel like talking to him but know it's not the right time. I will at least hold off until I talk with Jody on Monday and get her thoughts. This is such a crazy roller coaster ride... If I choose to continue this route, I will just have to deal with these emotions.
As far as the Xanax, I know it's not the right thing to do, but I'm giving myself a break today and am not going to beat myself up over it. It's been a tough one, and I haven't taken any for a long time now. I'm okay with it.
I didn't say that Xanax wasn't the right thing to do...if you need it you need it...what I was saying is you need to get back to YOUR life...where you don't NEED it to get through the day...
If you are talking to Jody and taking her advice then there really isn't much the rest of us can add...sometimes you just have to decide what it is you want to do...and then do it...I just know that your H has said he doesn't like the "talks" that you have had with him in the past and I see you working up to that explosive point again where you will just let it all go on him...all I can say... and I would hope that this would be in agreement with Jody...is DON'T do it
No, you're right, Lin. I know it's not time for a R talk, and I'm very proud of myself for how long I've held out having one with him. I hope that is another reason I have been getting positive responses from him. I have been just fun to be around, not ever sulky or clingy, but rather fun-loving and flirtatious.
There just does need to come a point where I can't "share" him anymore and will need to decide what to do at that point. I also don't want to continue having to feel as bad as I do today on a continuing basis. I still have so much work to do, and it's so hard to keep focused when my world is turning upside down. I WILL get through this, just like all the rest of the times. It's just been a hard day, and I so much want to just shake him and ask him what the heck he is thinking and doing. It's hard not to feel used, I guess. And the thoughts continue to creep into my mind that my H is sleeping with another woman and I am allowing it to happen... That's just a hard one to swallow.
I'll get through this. I hate it so much, but I'll get through it. We have taken enormous strides from where we were, and I just need to work on not letting myself get so excited about it, because then the potential let down is so much worse...
H came home again tonight. He finished working on his car and get the new motor in and then came over to our house. He took a shower and asked me if I wanted to watch a DVD. We ate dinner and then watched some TV. We fell asleep early. We were both really tired.
I'm so glad that he came home again, but he seems more distant than before, almost like when he came home the first time before going to Hawaii. He's not quite as "loving" as he was being as far as reaching out to me for affection, kisses, etc. I guess maybe I need to pull back some more and make him reach out for me. This is so hard to find the right "line" to walk in order for things to work right.
It's the middle of the night. I woke up and couldn't sleep, so I took a sleeping pill and thought I'd do some computer work for a while until it kicks in.
Any suggestions/ideas you have about how to bring out more affection from him would be great. I really long for more attention/connection OUTSIDE of our bedroom. How can I work towards bringing that about??? I know this is all going to take a ton of time, but I feel like I'm stepping backwards in that respect right now...
When he seems a little distant at times, pull back...you don't always have to be affectionate when going to sleep at night... let him wonder what you are thinking...instead of the opposite.
Mystic, mystic, mystic...just like location, location, location is very important...just don't pursue him...let it happen.
Letting go of the need to force him into doing anything other than what he wants to do in his own time will kill this progress that you have made...
You're right. I just get scared, I guess. It seems that one time he'll react a certain way to something I'll do and then if I do that same thing again he may react completely differently.
I have been thinking lately about how much it sucks that I even HAVE to worry about when I call him or talk to him or see him and what I say to him or act or do when I do have contact with him. What happened to just being able to be ME and be in a committed relationship where I didn't have to worry about all of this crap? I know it's for the better that all of this has happened, and I'm grateful for the changes it is bringing about in our R. At the same time, it's just so hard to have to walk this fine line all the time. AND I am so grateful and blessed to be given this opportunity to walk that line at all. I have to keep reminding myself that as of the first part of March, H said he didn't wven want to be married to me anymore... Now he has stayed with me a total of 7 nights in a two week period - not because I ASKED him to, but because he came home on his own. I am indeed very blessed. I guess that's what it comes to, that I AM so very blessed and I don't want to screw it up... It would just be nice if HE started caring more about MY needs and doubts in this whole situation and started making some accommodations for ME. It's hard and frustrating to feel like I'm the one making the moves. However, I have to remember that I have to tip over that first domino and that he will react to it, which he has been doing. Hopefully with continued patience and sheer determination we will get to the point where he also will be conscientious of my needs as well. I just have to hang in there...
Today we had a meeting with some friends/investors. It went well. H is still at the job site doing some work there. He said he will probably be working until late tonight. It was hard for me to leave, as I always feel this sense of anxiety of wondering when I'll see him again. It's painful. I guess the hardest part is just not knowing, if that makes sense? If I KNEW that he wasn't coming home, then I could deal with it. I'd be sad still, but I'd know what to expect. When you're married and in a committed relationship, it's just a given that your spouse is going to come home every night, regardless of how late it may be. With us, I never know when he is going to come home, and that is hard. And then I have to keep thinking about how to act both when he does and doesn't come home and keep working towards making progress regardless of what he does. I am blessed to have this opportunity, and it's still so hard to know the right things to do. I just have to have faith that whatever I've been able to muster up the strength to do over the past few weeks has obviously made some sort of difference. Either that or he and the OW are beginning to have problems of their own. I have to think that she's at least beginning to wonder/worry about what is going on with him spending so many nights away from her the past few weeks. I know he didn't spend every single night with her before, that there were at least a hand full of nights that he did spend at our office, but those were few and far between to the best of my knowledge.
And I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my mind that he still has not brought his clothes and the rest of his toiletries home. His shaver is still over there and all of the clothes that he took and a suitcase. It's hard because I know until he brings those things home that there is no way that it's officially "over" between them. And I hate that I can't ask him what's going on without risking blowing everything up. Rather, I just have to sit here with a smile on my face and keep wondering... I hate that, but for now it seems to be the only way through this. I can only hope that he is somehow appreciating the space that I am trying to give him to work this out in his own way and in his own time. At the same time, I do have to be conscious of my own needs and that I simply cannot go on like this forever...
Thanks for letting me vent again. Keep the insights coming my way. It really helps. I am scheduled to talk with DB coach tomorrow morning. Will let you know what she says.
Just something to think about...you are NOT in a committed relationship...that would mean that H is committed as well to you and right now he isn't...so for your ownsake you need to make that differentiation...because you are right in that persons in a committed relationship don't have OW/OM on the side...
I would also suggest not thinking about how things are going with OW...or if she is wondering what he is doing away from home...that is giving her too much of YOU...
Take care...it sounds like you are doing much better today...
