So H is still planning on going out of town this weekend. He e-mailed me yesterday and said that his friend is going to be coming over to our house this morning to meet H at around 9am and that his friend is going to leave his car here while they're away this weekend, which is fine.
So I guess silly me was just hoping that maybe, just maybe H would come home last night and stay with me since he had to be home in the morning anyway. I know I'm not supposed to be getting my hopes up, and it wasn't a huge issue, just a thought.
So I finished up doing some errands last night and called H about a quarter to 8 to follow up on some business items. I guess part of me was hoping I would reach him in person, but I did not. So I left him a message and then had to go into a meeting and didn't get done until around 10:30pm.
So I got home and H wasn't there, and there was no return phone message or e-mail from him, which I thought was odd. Then I got to thinking that he may have spent the evening with her, since he's going to be gone the next couple of days. So I was upset thinking about that and ended up driving up to office and OW's house to see if he was there. I haven't done that in a while and guess after all of his smaller baby steps I've seen over the past couple of weeks just felt like I wanted to see what was going on in that situation.
Sure enough, H's car was at her house, conveniently "hidden" parked up the street.
Then I got back home and checked his credit card, and there was a charge last night to a nice restaurant.
I was upset but more angry than sad. Again, I know I'm not supposed to be getting my hopes up, but it just hurt to know that he's going out of town for a few days and he chooses to spend the evening before with OW, not that this is any different than it has been as far as him spending time with her. I've just been cautiously encouraged, especially by these last few days, and it just was like turning that knife in my heart again even further.
I just don't understand how Monday night he can come home and spend the night with me and snuggle naked with me in our bed and tell me how sorry he is, Tuesday he gives me a passionate kiss, Wedneday he gives me two passionate kisses, and yet he's still spending the nights with OW? How does someone have the conscience to do that?
So I haven't slept very well, just angry and wondering when one just decides that enough is enough. I'm grateful for the baby steps that I feel H is making but still am having such a hard time internalizing how he can play both of us like this and not knowing what I should do as my role in this whole thing.
H will be home in a few hours, and there's a part of me that just wants to explode on him, as much as I know I can't do that, not right now.
I plan to call to schedule an appointment with Jody (DB coach) to get some guidance. I feel like I've made some great strides with detaching and GAL and that H is responding some. At the same time, I keep feeling this anger inside me that I'm just getting tired of all of this and don't know how much longer I want to hold on. I was re-reading parts of the Divorce Remedy last night, and it says to be distant but loving and not angry or even cold. Right now I feel like being angry and cold. I feel like I'm trying to be loving by accepting his kisses and affection and being kind to him, but is that what I keep doing, or do I need to put some more anger into it? I just don't know...
I know I shouldn't have snooped but just needed to know for myself whether my suspicions were right. I was hoping I was wrong...
So now I'm trying to figure how what else to do to further change the dynamic. Do I not accept his kisses/affection anymore? When he comes home again to spend the night, do I tell him he can't and needs to leave until he's going to come home for good? I'm struggling with how to be nice and give him a warm place to come home to versus standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be treated like this. Again, I'm grateful and encouraged by some of the positive baby steps we have made over the last several weeks. Do I just keep going as I have and be more patient?
There's a part of me that just wants to vomit when I think about him going out to a nice dinner with her last night and sleeping in her bed and then coming home to our house this morning, in theory possibly trying to give me a passionate kiss before he leaves. How can someone live like that? I just don't get it.
I wish I could just go absolutely and completely dark for a while, but I can't because of the business. I've been trying to keep my distance but yet be nice when I do have contact with H, but now I'm just so angry and just don't want to talk to him or see him at all. This is going on 6 months now since the official bomb, and I just don't know how much longer I want to do this...
Anyway, I'm planning on not being home this morning when he comes home, which would be a 180 for me, as usually would stay home working and see him. I'm just so angry this morning and 1.) don't want to even see him and 2.) am afraid that if I do see him I will possibly say and do things I shouldn't because I'm so angry right now. He will be home on Sunday morning to get ready for the races. He will have to come home to at least drop his friend off at his car. My plan is to also not be home then and also to not go to the races on Sunday.
I know he will contact me today about those business items, and there is a part of me that just doesn't even want to respond to him. I'm not trying to be immature; I'm just so mad.
Again, I'm MARRIED, and my H is staying the night almost every single night with OW? I feel like I am CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent. I knew it would be better to do so here and try to get it off my chest than to go off on H. I would appreciate any feedback that you have. I plan on calling DB this morning to schedule an appointment with Jody. It's been about a month and a half since I've spoken with her, and I feel like I need some more guidance as to the best steps I should be taking now. I don't feel like I'm ready to give up yet, but at the same time, I am tired of this... I know I'm just angry right now because this is fresh on my mind and that I'll "get over it." I guess I'm just tired in general of "getting over" my H sleeping with OW... Do I just need to be patient and keep doing what I've been doing? I know I can't expect him to come closer to me (and he really has made some huge strides this week as far as coming closer to me), and then just completely cut things off with OW right away, but last night just really made me mad. I know I'm not supposed to have any expectations, but for him to be playing us both like this just makes me so angry. And it makes me mad and confused to feel like to DB that I have to be distant but still nice to him while he continues to play me.
2940, Do you think he might be having an A ? For God's sake, get a grip! Checking credit card receipts and looking for his car...are you trying to drive yourself crazy? Did any of this help you in any miniscule way? NO NO NO NO NO! STOP YOURSELF. I think you are experiencing first hand what I was trying to warn you about, that is getting too excited about baby steps. Get back to doing for you, Tam! This 2 X 4 was brought to you by a fellow traveller on the Good Ship BETRAYAL. The ride sucks but it's the only one in town...for now!
What's happening? You sound more realistic about life.
I totally understand about the anger. That's a reasonable, rational reaction to what's going on around you. There is a lot to be angry about.
One of the key things for you to think about now is forgiveness. Forgiveness of him and yourself. Michelle has written a short article on it at Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself
There is no easy answer for why he's staying with you one night and then out with her the next. I guess he's confused. He doesn't know what he really wants.
You are obviously on to something with the impact that friend/business associate has on your H. It can't be a coincidence that H coming home is consistant with the times he's spent time with that man. I wonder if that's a relationship you can use to your advantage?
You are going really well with being 'dark'. I liked to read
Quote:
Still planning on keeping up keeping my distance. I did not contact him at all after our dinner last night (no e-mails, phone calls, voicemails, nothing -
late last week. That's fantastic. It seems to be working too, with him taking more initiative for kissing you etc.
The biggest skill I learned when I was separated from my H was patience. We so rarely have to be patient. If we want it we buy it or just go get it. Patience is truely a virtue and it's a hard, but valuable thing to learn about. You have way more capacity for patience than you think you do - so keep at it and keep reminding yourself that you are learning PATIENCE.
How was your weekend with your friend?
Are you still planning on going to your folks this weekend?
You are doing really well Tam. Keep it up and you'll make it.
Thinking of you, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Tam, I think one of the really difficult things for you in this sitch, that most of us are not dealing with, is a S who keeps saying "don't worry, we're on track" or something like it! In a sense, I have it easier with a S who directly says "we're finished", I don't have the enormous emotional burden of that confusion like you do! My suggestion would be to just accept "We're on track" as meaning NOTHING. His actions say he is not commited at this point, I would accept that reality. Don't let him pull your cord with that garbage, it's too emotionally draining for you. How can it not be? Let it go in one ear and out the other (I know, hard to do!) or even tell him he doesn't need to say that anymore because you no longer need to hear it. I think dealing with living in limbo is critical to your moving on in your DBing and keeping yourself together. I hope this helps! No 2 X 4's today just pure understanding!
I'm still alive! Sorry that I have not written for a while. I've been doing some soul searching and took a break from the board for a while.
Don't have much time to write now but wanted to say thanks for checking in on me. 1210, I'm sorry to hear that you were in the hospital and sick again. Is this related to your last illness? I hope you're back on your feet again real soon. Thanks for checking in on me.
Had a great weekend with my friends. Went out with my girlfriend on Friday night to dinner and a movie, and she stayed the night at my house, and we had "girl talk." It was fun. Then Saturday for Cinco de Mayo I went out with her and her husband and some of their friends to dinner and dancing. Don't remember much after about 8 o'clock... Had a few too many drinks. Haven't done that in 7 or 8 years. Drank way too much, but it was so fun to get out with friends and "let it all go" for a while.
I talked with DB coach Jody on Friday. Will tell you more about that later, but she felt I should be encouraged by H's actions since she and I talked last, which was when I came home from Vegas.
H came home Sunday morning around 8:30 am. We ML before he went to the races. I told him if he wanted more of that he would have to come over after the races, and he DID! We ML again, and he stayed the night with me. He stayed the night again with me on Monday night, and we ML again. It was really nice. He also brought his golf clubs back home and some of his toiletries and left them home!
I got my hopes up too much on Tuesday. I asked him if he was coming home Tuesday night, and he said yes, but he didn't... He was at OW's house and again last night as well. That sent me into a tailspin again. Still can't grasp how he can ML to me and then go sleep with her. It hurts. I feel good about making some progress in getting closer to him but have taken a huge backslide since Tuesday. I talked with DB coach Jody again today, and that helped. I was going to go ballistic on him but calmed myself down and talked to him today like nothing had happened. Kept being my "new" flirtatious self. Jody suggested that I invite him out to do non-business type activities that he might enjoy to help us get more "connected." She said dinner probably isn't good because he might worry about getting trapped into R talk. I plan on inviting him out to play pinball (something we used to love to do together) and maybe out to a race car race. I am treating myself to dinner tonight, as it's been a long week, and I let him know that and casually invited him to go. He said he felt behind on work and doesn't know if he'll be able to break free or not. So don't know if he'll go or not, but it's fine either way. I'm still treating myself. I'm going to a restaurant that I love and haven't been to in a while.
I'm still going to my parents' for Mother's Day this weekend. Am excited and anxious about that all at once.
Well, gotta run to dinner now. Thanks again for caring and checking in on me. I'm hanging in there. Two steps forward and one step back, but I'm in motion... Still fighting the fight.
Just checking on you and it sounds like you have made progress. Its just the roller coaster ride that gets us. They come home and act like everything is OK and then up goes the wall. I can really relate to that. They act as if nothing is wrong. I am proud of you. You have made steps I can see that just reading what you have posted.
Well I have to run it is late but wanted you to know I was still thinking about you. Keep up the good work.
Glad to hear you're still alive...I have had a lot of major events around her to deal with so I took a break from you too...
Things sound like they are moving in a positive direction...but I have to ask after you spoke to him about unprotected sex with you and then going to her it seems nothing has changed...she could very well have something that he doesn't know of and he could bring it back to you...how wonderful would you think the ML would be then?...I say this because I just heard of a young woman who was infected by her ONLY contact with a guy she had been with for years exclusively...evidently he had a one night stand and gave her HPV...now cervical cancer is something she has hanging over her for the rest of her life...
I think it is time to respect yourself...perhaps you should tell him that you want to ML to him but as long as he is involved physically with someone else you just can't risk yourself...or her (remember herpes can be transmitted without a breakout)in that way....and that you have shown your willingness to work things out with him...you are NOT asking him to move home...just to not sleep with both of you...and he needs to be examined by a doctor to make sure he hasn't contracted anything...and you need to get the vaccination for HPV...it isn't good for all strains (yes there are many)...but it will cover some of the main ones that lead to cervical cancer!....
I wish you strength...you sound like you are emotionally doing better...watch the fun though (drinking and medications can be a deadly combination...Karen Ann Quinlin, comes to mind)...continue to GAL...this is important no matter what he does...and even if he does come home...it is still a good thing..
? For God's sake, get a grip! Checking credit card receipts and looking for his car...are you trying to drive yourself crazy? Did any of this help you in any miniscule way? NO NO NO NO NO!