Eddie I understand where you are coming from, but that is exactly the frame of mind that is going to encourage her to continue on her way. If you the man, the scriptural head of the household, the biological protector, and the emotional tuning fork dont know what you want or even that you want her, let alone what decision to make, then to paraphrase David Deida, what the heck does she 'need' you for?
eddie she has plenty to work on herself, but by not making a decision as a man, you may as well roll around in woman repellant.
Good to hear from you and to see that you are doing well, even though you seem a little down. That was a good post to Choc. I hope he can work through his mountain of resentment. I have a question for you.
....when I played indifferant and created a bad situation, I really thought I was being differentiated. 'superior' to the jealousy games. I was not acting in a proactive fashion though. and definitely not protective or cherishing.
Regarding your sitch, does this new insight of yours only apply to relationships going forward, with new people, or can it be applied retroactively? Have you imposed a door on the past beyond which your new insights are not to apply?
my wife just looking for some MLC validation for her beauty and her youthfulness, that's NOT out looking for an affair. Choc, I am not looking for an A, but some days it is hard to not think about one. I just assume your W has validation needs that at first are/will be verbal, but then a little more gets added to the pot, and after a while it becomes physical. Weather that is hand holding or something else.
Was Heather looking for an A when she first met the other guy? I don't think so.
I am reminded of the many posts I have read about women saying they were LD for their H but got a sexual buzz from other guys paying attention to them.
Look at my case. I was working 2 jobs and BB felt neglected. A new church in the neighborhood was recruiting new members. The pastor and his W came to the house several times. BB liked the attention and got hooked on the attention from the pastor.
I never would have thought a pastor was a threat. At that time, I was doing so much for our family. I thought BB should be thrilled I was working so hard for us. Wrong, she was lonely. I thought we were having enough sex and us time, at a reasonable rate and intensity. I guess, BB didn't. I eventually learned a W being LD doesn’t mean she is universally LD all of the time.
What people/women/men are attracted to is different for different folks. Your W likes the attention from others in a nonsexual way, lets say 99% of the time. Maybe someone has that 1% to change wanting verbal/visual attraction into something physical or emotional.
I remember reading women's that had EA/PA's, stories. They all started out with, "I liked the attention. It wasn’t about me (her) wanting sex so much but the OM needed it" or something similar.
Then there are the perverts that use alcohol or drugs to get what they want.
that's NOT out looking for an affair. Not looking and "not going to happen" are two different things. People wind up with things they were not looking for. They wind up with things they were not for because it is part of a package that comes with what they "are looking to acquire."
I can see where you don’t want to be your W keeper. I read where you won’t beg. I have been there.
Do think about what goes on in the M and how it affects your kids.
If your daughter or son came to you with a similar situation, what/how would you advise him/her?
BF I think Choco has been neglected, hurt, and both he and his wife are acting in perfectly normal ways toward each other during a LTR. I agree with you BF.
She might not be out "looking" for an A to happen but it rarely ever happens that way. How many times have you heard the cheater say "it just happened" - well it did and it didn't. It first started off as "just friends" and before you know it you are telling them stuff that shouldn't be talked about to anyone other than your partner or, at the very most, a same-sex friend.
These things aren't as much "in your face" as people like to think they are. Yes, it is a choice the cheater makes but it is not an instant choice, for the most part, it is something that "happens" over time, talking, being together etc. That is why it is so prevalent at work, where you spend so much time together
I don't care what anyone says, I would still be VERY concerned about the situation. She is screaming "I am lonely, look at me"
Have I thought about having an A - you betcha!! LOTS!! I have every reason to but that's not the answer. However, for some, they aren't as strong.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
You misunderstand me. I've already stated, above, that I not only consider myself "ripe for an affair, EA or even PA", but also that I'm basing my own actions and decisions with a possible future divorce in the back of my mind.
All I've said here most recently is that I don't think she's actively SEEKING it.
Either way, it's not really an important distinction, as any affair -- or divorce -- would have devastating effects.
Everyone (including my own daughters) seems so concerned about my wife's needs and validation; how come nobody ever seems to notice that the man is hurting too?
What came first here, the chicken, or this latest egg?
Sorry, but in my near-depressed state, that was pretty damned funny. Thanks for the laugh today - I needed it!
Choc., who actually always did pretty good ... make that REALLY good . . . with the ladies in h.s. and college, before he started sprayin' on the Cutter's Woman Repellant
After re-reading I am thinking that you first need to identify whether you are staying in this M. Maybe it doesn't matter what she does. Just make sure if you go the route of "let her do what she wants" you are ready for the consequences. You sound really worn out more so than really done with the marriage but it is for you to decide. You have to decide whether you are "in" or "out" before you throw down the gauntlet. However, Bf's line of "this marriage is failing" is a good way to approach the conversation if you are willing to put in the work. I KNOW you are hurting too. I read some book once that asked the question of whether you are willing to be the "hero" in your marriage. It is a good question. Best of luck.
A wise person on this board said to me a little while ago, "do you want to fix your marriage or do you want to be right?" Or something to that effect. So I'm asking you the same question.
It does not matter whether your wife is seeking an A or not; she is still extremely vulnerable to one. I'll say it again: you are making a HUGE mistake if you ASSUME that your wife won't have an A because she doesn't like sex, or for some other reason.
If you want to try to fix your marriage, then take the advice of the wise posters in this thread and DO SOMETHING about it!! Your wife IS screaming out for attention. Stop making excuses. Stop blaming your wife for everything. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Take the advice of NOP and Blackfoot. Do something.
Don't let your stubbornness put the nail in the coffin of your M and rip your family apart. I have seen within my own FOO how stubbornness can rip a family apart, causing deep wounds that can never be healed. Don't let this happen to your family. You will regret it one day, I'm certain.
My brother and my parents have a strained R and my SIL will have nothing to do with them (or with me). My mother and my SIL are grudgers who hold on to every little transgression with a white-knuckled grip. I tried to recall recently how we all came to be on the outs and I can't even remember the sequence of events anymore. I no longer care who did or said what to whom. All I care about is having an R with my brother and his wife, but it will never happen because she can't let go of the past. She can't forgive. She's never met our S4. On the rare occasions we do see my brother, he comes alone. It's very sad. That's the feeling I get when I read your posts.
I remember trying to get my mother to extend an olive branch to my brother. "Why should I have to do that? His wife is the one who did/said blah, blah, blah. I'm his MOTHER. He should have more respect for me." I said, "Do you want a R with your son or not? One of you has to be the grown-up. I guess it has to be you." She did approach him and apologize (for telling him she wished his wife was dead. ) They now have a cordial R, but it will never be the same.
If you just don't want to fix your M, just can't get past being wronged, then put yourself and your wife out of your respective miseries and get a divorce. Get it over with. You can get on with your life and she can get on with hers. Why drag it out?
I know what you're going through isn't easy. But it won't go away. It will continue to wear you both down. You HAVE to make a decision one way or the other. To continue on your current path is self-destructive.
Regarding your sitch, does this new insight of yours only apply to relationships going forward, with new people, or can it be applied retroactively? Have you imposed a door on the past beyond which your new insights are not to apply?
You know persistance can be a pretty good attribute.
probably the most painful and one of the hardest lessons for me to accept, and ironically I dont get to use that insight. lol It only applies to LTR's. I did apply it or the reconcil would not have happened. When I said to x, 'I will never see or speak to you after the D.', I was not implementing a Plan B tactic.
Had a little time and briefly caught up on your thread. My ticker is a little better.
Its time for you to be the king of your pride. Frankly, I think you should say the following to your W ...
"W, I know you are a beautiful woman, and you are loving the attention you are getting at the gym from the younger guys. Just don't cross the line or the penalty is a broken jaw for him."
What does the lion do when a young upstart comes into his territory? Deals with it swiftly and ferociously. What do the lionesses do in return? Give him all the food he can eat.
Chrome
p.s. This is coming from one wannabe alpha male to another p.p.s With apologies to NOPkins for partially stealing his line
Last edited by chromosphere; 05/11/0709:44 PM.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
) They now have a cordial R, but it will never be the same.
lol It only applies to LTR's. I did apply it or the reconcil would not have happened. When I said to x, 'I will never see or speak to you after the D.', I was not implementing a Plan B tactic.