Wanted to start my very own thread over here in Piecing land.
I've actually been piecing for a little while now - 3-6 weeks depending on what date you go by. I hadn't joined all of you here yet for fear of "jinxing" it though. My last thread's about to lock, so I took a deep breath, and I'm finally officially moving over from Newcomers.
Look forward to meeting/getting to know you, learning, and sharing.
Here's my Prior Thread (which I'll keep posting to til it locks).
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
yay nikki welcome over here hun. Well done on getting to the picing stage. i hope you have lots and lots of sucess. Will keep popping in to see how things re going with you and yours lol
Hugs HB
M35 H35 T 14Y M 6Y 2 D 10/14 bomb & M/O 4/2/07 "trying to piece" 1/4/07 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=998053&page=1#Post998053
about your H being strangely curious of the phone calls. ya, my H does that a little still. Just remember, you will have to prove your trust to him as well. I know that doesn't seem fair, but because of what he did, he is going to have those concerns for you. I forgot what someone else called it.
So just be careful, don't get upset, but just know you both will be building trust together.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thanks so much all for the very warm welcome!! I like it here.
JDK - doin' my best on those potholes... I'm sure I'm missing a few, but hopefully you can miss some of the biggies at least!
ST - good reminder on the phone calls. I know we've both got some trust to rebuild - although I must say, at least for my side, it's coming back a lot faster than I could have imagined. Hope it sticks!! It feels like it will but we know how those emotions can pop up when we least expect them.
My pup's doing pretty well, thanks! Unfortunately she had more bad teeth than they thought and the 'usual' dental tech was out... soo, it took way longer than expected and they only did HALF of her mouth so far. Poor dog. She seems much better today though, just sleeping a lot. She has to go back in a week or two for them to finish the job. I feel awful but I guess that was better than keeping her under anesthesia for 6 hours, since it took them 3 just to do the first half. It also nearly doubles the cost... uugh.
I posted this on my old thread too but hope you guys don't mind a small repeat - I thought this was so touching. ST I know you've seen how my H kind of tells me things "through" other things - talking about movies, other couples, etc.?? Check out the latest one...
Last night we picked the dog up and she was still VERY loopy from the anesthesia, just looked downright miserable. After we got home she kept going from room to room - she'd stand there and whine, sit down and whine, lay down and (you guessed it) whine, then walk to another room and do the same. Then she went outside and did the same thing. I commented to H that she was kind of restless, and he said "Not really restless, she doesn't like how she's feeling and she's trying to get away from it. She hasn't figured out yet that it's her, not where she is." Then gave me a big hug, followed by petting the dog more and telling her "It'll be ok, you'll feel better again."
Interesting comments from a recently returned WAS...
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
wow. your H is smart! you can tell him I said that
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
First things first, for those following my poor pup's last few weeks, she's doing great. Recovered from the anesthesia and acted totally normal all weekend. Still has to go back for round 2 of mouth surgery, though (shh don't tell her.. ).
I had a pretty good weekend overall, although having some things crop up that I'm having some trouble dealing with. Maybe (probably?) normal piecing stuff... any advice??? Here goes:
First a little history since I'm new to the Piecing board. H became "good friends" with a woman at work last year (sound familiar?). I tried to be friends with her as well, pretty much destroying my self esteem and self worth in the process. I believe my H that nothing physical ever happened but there was definitely an EA and a "friendship" that went way too far. H acknowledges that the friendship was inappropriate but still seems to feel I kind of overreacted to the whole thing, that she was "just a friend." One thing I will need at some point is for him to acknowledge how deeply the whole thing hurt me, as opposed to trying to minimize it, but I know we aren't there yet.
The bomb dropped in October, DBing since then, H moved out in January and back in April... and just now we're kind of starting to talk about some of this stuff (barely). He seems very commmitted and is doing a lot of things right, very clearly really trying to get things to work, with one exception.... PW.
So... H claimed he and PW ("problematic woman") were no longer "hanging out," but of course he still has to deal with her since they work together. A group of them will often go out after work too. Thursday night H came home kind of late, and I kind of snapped a bit. All last year Thursday night "happy hour" after work become longer and longer and eventually became kind of his "date night" with PW. So basically, him going out Thursday night and getting home late feels to me like "oh no it's happening again."
Oh also a few weeks ago I saw some calls to/from PW on H's cell phone and we had a talk about it. The calls weren't that long but also not necessary, and my understanding was that they wouldn't be calling each other anymore. But since then I've seen a few calls back and forth - and they are getting longer and longer (20 minute long call this past Saturday). Yeah I snooped.. I'm done with that now, I just had a gut feeling something was wrong and I checked the phone.
Anyway, back to Thursday night, I came right out and asked who was at happy hour. He said "Andrew and Steve" - which have pretty much become his standard answer whenever he's doing things with PW. I said "And...?" and he said "Well [PW] was there too." I didn't respond much then, trying to give myself time to process, just kind of said "Oh."
Later on, he asked me if I had plans Friday night. I said no, that I figured the dog would need lots of care still so I hadn't made any plans. H said "Oh ok well I'll come home then." Huh?? Then he said "Well if you were going out, I was going to play frisbee golf after work with some of the guys." (Yeah "the guys" right?? He thinks I am an idiot apparently.) I said "Just the guys?" and H said no, that PW was planning it. Blech.
So now my "punishment" if I GAL is H will go out with PW??? Yuck yuck YUCK!!! (no, that's not what he said, but it's sure how I feel)
I am still at a point of trying to figure out what truly bothers me and what to let slide so I didn't respond much, although distanced myself from H all night. We went to bed and I realized just how pissed and hurt I was - ended up attempting to sleep on the couch all night, I couldn't even stand to be in bed with him.
Friday I was exhausted and overly emotional. H called at lunchtime and wanted to go for a bike ride together after work, and I agreed. When he got home I mentioned how tired I was and he said he was sorry, then said "I see what's going on - I wanted you to know that." At which point we had this conversation: (one of our biggest issues was avoiding conflict and avoiding emotional discussions so we're both stumbling around figuring this out as you'll see...)
Me: What do you mean? H: I wanted you to know I see it. I'm sorry that my actions upset you so much. Me: I'm sorry they do, too. [pause] Me: You know this doesn't have anything to do with what time you got home right? H: Yeah, it has to do with [PW] right? Me: Yeah. It feels like she will never be out of my life and it sucks. H: You want me to be honest with you right? [looooong pause while I was thinking] H: Right? Me: Truthfully? I want there not to be anything that you have to 'be honest' about. Yeah I want you to be honest, but I would rather you not have anything you have to come clean about. H: I don't hang out with her anymore. Me: We obviously have different definitions of 'hanging out.' H: Well, I don't go to lunch with her, and I only see her after work if a group of us are going out. Me: Yeah, a group being you, her, and hopefully at least one other person. I'm not stupid, I know "Andrew and Steve" means her, and maybe other people or maybe not. H: But I don't go if it's just her.
... at this point I realized the entire discussion was feeling very stupid and pointless, it's more of "she's just a friend," and more of me trying to make him "get it." I should have turned it around to how it all makes me feel but I wasn't thinking very straight, so I changed the subject. We talked about our days at work etc. When we got to the bike trail H brought it up again:
H: Do I at least get some credit for coming home tonight instead of going to the frisbee golf thing? Me: Yeah. I'm sorry, I should have said that earlier. I'm glad you came home. You get a lot of credit for that. Thank you for telling me the truth and thank you for coming home.
... rest of the night was good, we rode bikes, went out to dinner. Saturday night he hosted a bachelor party at our house so I was in a hotel, didn't really see him much til a mother's day BBQ last night. Overall a really nice weekend, but this PW thing just keeps nagging at me.
I feel like their "frienship" is starting up again, that they are having more contact, that he's making excuses to see her but just more "appropriately" than he was before. We have talked about it, I've told him it hurts me, he's acknowledged that he SEES it hurting me, and yet he continues to be in contact with her. And now I feel this veiled threat that if I do things on my own, he's going to spend MORE time with her. Sucks. Is he testing me? Seeing how far he can let the friendship go before he starts to have feelings for her? I really don't know, but something's just NOT right.
So I guess the point of my long ramble here is - what now??? Is this my problem and I'm overreacting and need to get past it? Is it an issue I need to push further with H? Do I ask him to go back to MC and we can hash it out there??? I am just really, really lost. EVERYTHING else is going so well, why am I so hung up on this, am I crazy???
Whew... thanks everyone who makes it this far!
Last edited by NikkiB; 05/14/0703:58 PM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
