You know what I'm going to say, it is normal to feel that way and until the new behavior continues for a while you'll feel this way, my H felt for a few months that I was going to get my revenge for what he had done. So, keep up the good fight PS !
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for the support. Part of me worries that W might get part way to the "finish line" and just sit down. Having things good enough the kids are fine, but far enough away it avoids commitment and growth. This way in the end she can say, "well, I tried and we just can't quite get where we need to be". Not quite sure how to move it to the next level.
Define growth. I know many times, before the bombs, I would tell my H that we weren't were we should be as a couple, that we should grow stronger together, he never got it.
What are your goals? what specifically would you like to see in your M? Perhaps having some specific goals would help define your progress.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I guess what I'm looking for is a close, working together, attitude. If a couple works together to make their relationship stronger day after day, regardless of challenges, it will move forward. What worries me is that when I see a sit back and watch the paint dry approach in a marriage it becomes to easy to do nothing and then complain about lack of success. To often in this day and age, if only couples would put as much determination into making things work as they do to tearing things apart, this world would be a much stabler, united place.
With that said, I must say that W is starting to put forth good effort into what I believe is the right path. However, it seems that there is still "a foot sticking out the door of the car". Technically in, but prepared to get out at any moment. After taking such an emotional "beating" since the bomb....., it's hard to really believe that W is working toward a true R, or just going through the paces to save face. My hunch says it's for real, but my head says "watch out", just in case. Some of my older DB friends know that their a hidden "ACE" out there on the table, but I don't know if she will play it, or plans on mucking it.
There seems to be a good personality change in W, like she is starting to take things more seriously in life and R, but some of the WAS habits still lurk. Although W did not technically walk, she was very much there.
What do I want.
1-Close R with W again.
2-To be each others #1 again.
3-To feel safe in the R. Not waiting for a shoe to drop or a outside influence to turn things around.
4-To be someone that W deems important and critical in her life, other than the father of her children.
5-For my children to know that M and D are one again.
6-To wake up one morning and hear PS I'm so glad you stood by me and you mean the world to me. You are truly my H and friend.
I guess what I'm looking for is a close, working together, attitude. If a couple works together to make their relationship stronger day after day, regardless of challenges, it will move forward. What worries me is that when I see a sit back and watch the paint dry approach in a marriage it becomes to easy to do nothing and then complain about lack of success. To often in this day and age, if only couples would put as much determination into making things work as they do to tearing things apart, this world would be a much stabler, united place.
Can I print that and hang it on my fridge?
It is hard for you to trust again. It is hard for you to open your heart again. If you look at it from another view, it would be the same way for your W. Almost like you are both peaking in the open door to see if it truly safe to be on the other side of it. That's ok. Keep making it safe. Slow and steady wins the race of life.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
"...positive approach seems to be breading positive outcome."
Isn't this the basic concept of the Law of Attraction? I find this kind of attitude in life really does work, whether you win back your M or not. It's about how you feel inside, about yourself, and that generally radiates out to the people around you. Still, if one's spouse isn't in the same place, then nothing you can do can change that, but one can hope to influence the sitch in a more positive way. (I hope I'm making sense here ).
I am so glad there are all these positive things coming your way, Phoenix. You sound more relaxed and in charge of your life (not that you haven't before, but there seems to be more positive stuff coming from your W then before too, IMHO - a good combo).
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
What I like is the fact these changes are by her choice. I can see that she is making as concerted effort to improve things. This gives me hope. Hopefully soon she will figure out that a loving relationship is a choice, then continue to make that choice. There is one speed bump I am waiting to see her get past. If she does I think I can say we are then on the home stretch, till then I'll just say it half commitment. Personally I think she can do it, I think the biggest hurdle is pride, can W master that?
Have been trying to see if there is any correlation between events in our life and W changes in attitude. Some times I am treated well, like I should be, some times it's almost back to square one. If I can figure something out I will try to improve the problem. Can't really ask, or expect W to say what it is, not usually her way of dealing with things. Right now we seem to be riding the tide in and out, luckily the water seems to be going up higher than before.
Just remember, even if your M gets back to normal, or the way you want it ... there will always be good times and bad. IOW, you won't always be treated the way you want, and there will be times when you won't treat her the way she wants. One has to find a way to not have too high expectations of our spouses, because it sets us up for disappointment and resentment.
As long as the general thread of our M's is positive, then we can handle the down times, I think.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
