Quoting lostlove: so there is another good day!! that is not to say that I am not still angry and hurt by what has happened and how things were before all this that it took for h to have an a and leave before realizing he had to participate in life here. that I am not still somewhat resentfull and hurt by this. BUT I have realized that if I want things to be better I have to let them be better and not dwell in the past.
Clearly, you are trying harder to hold your fire when he is around, and he is trying harder to be around.
Both are very good signs. Better still if things work out with the health club and/or additional schooling, so you're not always stuck home.
If you can both keep doing what you are doing, you may find the "discussion" comes of its own accord.
well yesterday was yesterday. when h finally did come home it was time for dinner so we all ate, i then did the dishes, h said "i would have done that" no biggie says I. so h knows I am going to the gym but still meanders around doing what he's doing, taking dd up to bed like as I'm going to walk out the door, so I waited with son while he put dd to bed, then said bye to them both at the door.
on way home from the gym (which I joined now just have to figure out when to start) I tried to cb h, system busy, so h must be on cb with buddie but I tried again a few times (no harm in it no way for h to know how many times I tried it) and caught a break in their conversation, ask h if he needs anything, nope. then the house phone is ringing so I get to hold on. h makes me guess who is on the linem I guess fil, mil, then buddie you guessed it third times the charm so I get let go cause he has to talk more to buddie??? ya ok. h then a bit later cb's me hey LL? ya says I? what's the temp gage on your car say? 9degrees says I. ok says h. 9 degrees F (farenheight) says I f for F-ing cold!!! well that is not much of a conversation.
I go off to the post office to mail h's invoices (aren't I nice?)
I get home s is still awake but up stairs was waiting for me. h is sitting in front of fire, says that he started to drift off (it's barley 8:30) and there's nothing on tv. he's gonna get on the couch in a min. well I say well if your already falling asleep and there's nothing on tv why not just go up to bed?? so he goes but first stops at the puter and then says he wants to go lay down with son for a while. I suggest that this is not really a good idea (sorry bob) because though tonight he wants to what about when he doesn't want to and then son is asking him to??? so h agrees and goes to bed himself. about an hour later I go up take my shower kiss the kids and get in bed. h has his back to me. I say goodnight. h says keep warm but doesn't bother to move. I have a hard time falling asleep tossing and turning (consider for a moment going to sleep with son myself) wake (or rather awoken by dd at 6 am) h still in his corner but appears to move out of it some puts his arm around me (ah what a relief) typical am me with kids, I made h his coffee h takes shower I make breakfast of somekind (banana bread today) h leaves and our day goes on from there.
something is not right and I feel it!!!!
it is not simply the mundane life there is something hapening here and it is not settling right with me.is it ow?? matters not to me if it's ow h doesn't seem to be with me on "the same page" or even in the same book. I don't know.
another one of those days where h leaves at 9 and it is now 2:30 and I have yet to hear from him.
whatever!!
keep your appartment keep your customer don't ask me to put my ring back on let's just exist like this, cause oh yeah it's workin!
Quote: h says keep warm but doesn't bother to move.
I have a hard time falling asleep tossing and turning (consider for a moment going to sleep with son myself)
Well, he wanted to snuggle, right? Isn't that good? My W likes me to spoon her, so she doesn't really move when I make her warm. Am I missing something here? Why would you NOT want to snuggle and go sleep with S?
Quote: something is not right and I feel it!!!!
You know, LL, it's entirely possible that he's thinking the opposite of what you think? Maybe he feels ashamed? Maybe he's thinking about OM and regretting what he did? Maybe he's even kind of missing OM, but he's with you isn't he? If he was feeling like he didn't want to be with you, then why would he ask you to snuggle? Even if it was thoughts contrary to what you want, remember that it's two steps forward and one back.
You know, right now you and I are in very much the same boat. Today, my W is very distant and it's driving me crazy (WAW mode). I'm trying to act "happy," but it's hard. I just want to leave work and go do something by myself...not go home. I feel restless. I'm sure you do too.
It all comes down to us not knowing their thoughts. We can't really ask right now because that just causes more problems. I'm slowly beginning to wonder why I focus on my M so much instead of me. Why do the both of us? BTW, I'm very happy that you went to the "jim" last night. We will be okay, LL. Let's detach together today, okay? Cuz I need the help too...
Quote: Well, he wanted to snuggle, right? Isn't that good? My W likes me to spoon her, so she doesn't really move when I make her warm. Am I missing something here? Why would you NOT want to snuggle and go sleep with S?
just want to clarify, h was faced away from me and stayed that way, I said goodnight, he said keep warm but did not move toward me at all, stayed facing away from me till the am for a brief moment.
I did not want to go to sons bed cause I belong in my own bed.
if h is thinking of oM that would answer a lot of my sexual concerns!
I don't know if h is thinking of ow or not, if he misses her or not.
if h was infact "only" having an ea with ow, what the hell did they talk about, or did h just listen to her?? I mean stopping by 3x a week and talking on the phone everyday with this man? all I hear him talk about to buddie is football. and to others it's work. to me it's I'll be home at x or y gotta go here or there but that seems to be it. what the hell was their r all about???? sometimes I feel like I should just tell h, look this isn't working, you clearly are not happy with me and are only here for the kids. this is not the life I want, you can still have the kids (all be it a bit less) and go off and be with ow, hell she's making herself available for you by ding her h. so go little bird go fly away but know that I will shut the door to this birdhouse and you cannot return, life is too short to waist more of it waiting for you to decide if this is where you want to be.
tired so very very tired.
h called shortly after last post. left a message (I just didn't feel like answering) hey guys (perfect example of something is wrong his focus is on kids and not me) bla bla bla on my way should be there at x. then calls again so I answer, h is on his way home, wants to stop and bring home something for dinner so I don't have to bother cooking (gee I have a fridge full of left overs but wtf) ok says I. I am going to a cpr class this evening being held by one of my book club members. I had suggested to h maybe rent a movie for when I come home, but he didn't he suggested I find a place up here to rent from (way too rural town but I'll find it)
you are right jethro, I do not know what h is thinking or feeling and honestly I never have (and no I aint no alien, this r has sucked for a long long time) time to detach, I guess as I said to my c, my way of working on the m for now will have to be to just work on myself and bettering my life and just leave things be for now.
so I know that I don't need h, but I know that I don't want to be alone (even though I can be) so what to do what to do???
Quote: just want to clarify, h was faced away from me and stayed that way, I said goodnight, he said keep warm but did not move toward me at all, stayed facing away from me till the am for a brief moment.
LL, is all of your frustration today a result of this one event? Honestly, it just sounds like he felt crappy and wanted some comforting. Guilt? Who knows, but he requested your presence, LL.
Quote: I did not want to go to sons bed cause I belong in my own bed.
You misunderstood what I wrote (and I can see why...it wasn't very clear). I meant to ask you why you'd rather sleep in S's bed rather than snuggle with your H.
Quote: what the hell did they talk about, or did h just listen to her?
I wondered the same thing and asked my W what she and OM talked about. She simply made generalities like our kids, his job, blah blah blah. Well, I'm sure they talked about other wonderful things too. Anyway, I'm drifting. I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel because our Ses are making time to talk to others when we want this kind of attention.
Quote: tired so very very tired
I know, LL...oh boy, I know.
Quote: wants to stop and bring home something for dinner so I don't have to bother cooking
Well, that's nice of him. Sounds like he's trying...
Quote: I guess as I said to my c, my way of working on the m for now will have to be to just work on myself and bettering my life and just leave things be for now.
This is what both of us need to do. These are their demons, not ours, and they have to exorcise them all by themselves.
Quote: so I know that I don't need h, but I know that I don't want to be alone (even though I can be) so what to do what to do???
Time will tell. For now, it's same'ol same'ol. See where the road takes you and see where the road takes your H. Right?
Sounds like things are going better, but also getting harder, for you. I think this is to be expected--you've put your R needs on hold for a long time and worked very hard.
In DR, Michele talks about letting your spouse have mourning time for loss of OW, even letting his sadness be OK. Maybe he has finally decided to let her go and is feeling down?
As for when you will feel safe and quit worrying if you're being duped, it will probably take a long time and a husband who really wants to make your feel secure, and to take responsibility for what he's done. It doesn't sound like he is there yet. Don't forget the baby steps--and GIANT steps--you've made so far though.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Having been through years of doubt during an earlier crisis in my own M, I know how painful it is, and how scary it is when you worry about the fear ever going away.
SI 
Anyway, I'm drifting. I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel because our Ses are making time to talk to others when we want this kind of attention. 
Don't forget the baby steps--and GIANT steps--you've made so far though.