Quoting lostlove:"we like hanging out with you too"
Ain't that true! This is a great family picture. You go, LL. You are doing great, even though you call it mundane. Hey, this is what we live for; something other than drama...
Discorded, Jim and the rest are right - what a picture for H to keep in his mind. And don't think that he won't, either.
Sorry that the ski trip was not a total success - although there were some positives. Maybe the next time H sees you in a tub filled with bubbles, he'll get a clue.
BTW - got Michele's "The Sex-Starved Marriage" in the mail yesterday and read some of it last night - the first four chapters, I believe. She's done a very thorough job so far in explaining the differing causes of low sexual desire in spouses (physical as well as psychological) so that those of us who have higher libidos can understand their point of view. Once I finish the book, I'll likely take Michele's advice and leave it where W has an opportunity to find it. Doubt she'll read it, though - complaining is her game, not finding solutions.
Well, if that is as bad as it gets from here on out, is it really all that bad? ... not to mention that our goal is to have more good days than bad. Ask yourself the question, what would have made it better? The answer could then be stated as a goal.
As you can see from the responses here, it is all in a matter of the point of reference.
ok ok, I know all in all that was a pretty great day. but, I would have prefered h not talk on the phone to buddie while we were out. but I suppose h could have just said no he didn't want to go and stayed home to watch football. (think he might have if the stuff we were getting weren't for his bar? doesn't matter I suppose) would have been better if it ended with more than a cuddle but hey I suppose I should be happy to get that.
yesterday was another decent day...
woke.. all of us (think I stayed in bed a bit longer than everyone else though) made oatmeal for everyone. h helped clean up. h was getting ready to leave, had made himself instant coffee and it was almost gone, so I made some real coffe and put it in his travel cup. h goes of to wherever he goes? dd nap hang with son and get dressed dd wake lunch off to do grocery shopping, was fine til about the produce dept when son wanted to touch everythin and dd kept escaping from the cart it got worse at the register...I know understand those calgone comercials. came home put groceries away (while son checked every bag looking for his go-gurt (yuck!) dd nap ticklefest with son make dinner (beef stew, son decided to throw whole onion unpealed and all into the pot, I took care of it) wake dd h arrives @ 5 we all eat dinner h helps clean up woa! h takes apart top of stove and cleans it!! downstairs (playroom) to play 7ish bath (she put jelly in her hair) and bed for dd. h and son on couch in "cave" watching rug-rats h on the verge of sleeping. s bath and bed. h asks if I want a fire, sure h sits at puter reading a sports interview and checking weather, while I watch tv. h then joins me by the fire to watch some tv. h must have heard what I said the other night! watch the news. off to bed.
so there is another good day!! that is not to say that I am not still angry and hurt by what has happened and how things were before all this that it took for h to have an a and leave before realizing he had to participate in life here. that I am not still somewhat resentfull and hurt by this. BUT I have realized that if I want things to be better I have to let them be better and not dwell in the past. that is not to say that at some point some things will actually have to be discussed, but for now, things are good.
h helps clean up woa! h takes apart top of stove and cleans it!!
h asks if I want a fire, sure
h then joins me by the fire to watch some tv.
Jeez...sounds like he's coming around to me. Another nice, normal day in the LL household? On a side note, have you tried slipping Viagra into his instant coffee?!?!
LL - Jethro pointed out some positives so I won't repeat them - but I'll stay far away from that Viagra suggestion. But what I wouldn't give for a nice cuddle with W even if it didn't lead to anything!
And having screwed things up in my R with W almost a year ago, I understand how difficult it is to give up the anger and hurt. But your H is choosing to be with you and your children - to participate in your daily life. And those topics will come up in the future. But you know the drill...
Have a great day, LL - and plenty of hugs for those kids!
so what will actually ease my occasional feelings that ow is still around in some fashion other than just as a customer???
days like I have reported previously occuring did occur a year ago too.
one lovely afternoon, while ariving home from shopping with two babies I get a call from h that he will be later than usual, he had to take someone to the hospital, oh is everyone alright says I, no no not an emergency someone just needed a ride to an appointment says h, oh who says I a bit preturbed that someone needs him to stop his day to drive them to a pre-shcesuled apt, while I am left to fend for myself with OUR two children for appointments etc. blank says h (i knew ow's name from her previous years of inviting the crew to her x-mas parties and hearing a message inviting them to stop by and swim in her pool when it's hot, message to you fella's don't hire landscapers or outside contractors unless you or a neighbor have an eye on your w (ow is and was m)) this does not thrill me. the only reason h is telling me is because he was seen in the elevator by a close friend of my family who is also one of my best friends older sister. h spends the weekend trying to tell me she is just aquantance? (ya right like I'd ask an aquantance to take me to a cancer treatment) then a friend? then from there the beans are spilt that they are friends and he's taken her to lunch etc was a support to her because for some reason her h was not (did I bother to tell you my h was not much of a support to me during preg #2 or after the birth of #2?) so then h stays at parents for a week or so, we discuss d etc...ow actually calls me to appologize for asking him to drive her...that they are just friends etc... I let h know I do not aprove of this friendship and it must end... h supposedly ends this friendship and we are working on us. h is more affectionate, we talk more, we actually start a weekly date night. then come april he leaves. when he returns I learn that he had never stopped seeing her. was stopping by her house 3x a week both before and after I knew of friendship that he was talking to her everyday both before and after I knew of friendship sooo... how am I to know that ow is really gone??? I never did get to hear the supposed phone calls telling her the "friendship" is to cease? I know that she knows he has come home and if she has seen him (for business) must know he has his ring back on, but that doesn't matter to her he had it on the whole time he was gone til I finally took it anyway.
so what has set me off???
the looming thought is always there.
takes little...
it is winter and h still goes off to "work" left earlier than usual today, and called once in the afternoon said he would be home between x-y, did not call again til just before y saying he was on his way bla bla bla...
I will not say anything to h about this insecurity as it seems to be being met with ? I don't know how to describe his reaction, but it seems pointless to say anything just go about my business.
tonight I have my appointment to have a tour of the gym to see if I like it so at least I have somewhere to go tonight.
perhaps the only way I will ever believe is if I have h followed to know what he is doing, but then will I feel safe or ashamed??
things I want and need to believe h is not still on the fence.
h to drop appartment! h to drop ow as customer! ( I don't want the convenient excuse of business discussion keeping the tyes) h to pledge his undying love for me (ok so I'm feeling a little silly after venting this out) h to start saying ily (ok jethro you can kick me for this one now) h to show some more empathy and guilt for what has happend.
Quote: days like I have reported previously occuring did occur a year ago too.
Yes, but were they occurring two months ago? When I heard you say this I thought of a color analogy. For example, our Ses become gray when they are "thinking" about OP, then when they start acting on their feelings the gray steadily gets darker to black. So, in your sitch, I see him coming from the black back into the gray. Soon, I hope, things will be yellow like sunshine, my dear! It's kind of like a pendulum...it swung one way and now it's surpased the midpoint and is swinging the other way. Jeez...now I'm mixing metaphors. I'm gonna stop while I'm ahead...
Quote: how am I to know that ow is really gone???
I guess you just have to trust him? I know, easier said than done, but what choice do you have? I think, and you posted this later, that you will know for sure when some of the things that used to occur when you knew he "loved" you, occur again?
Quote: I never did get to hear the supposed phone calls telling her the "friendship" is to cease?
Well, let's face it, LL, I heard this conversation only this morning and it doesn't really mean crap does it...now that I think about it? I mean, as soon as I left for work, my W could just as easily called him to talk it over some more? Again...trust...
Quote: so what has set me off???
the looming thought is always there.
takes little...
I know, LL. I can only imagine how incredibly frustrating it is when you want some answers and some assurances, and he doesn't want to talk about it. I think the only way you're going to feel right is when your H willing shows "some more empathy and guilt for what has happend." However, you said "more" here, so is there much more he can say to you to make you feel better, or is it just repeats of what he's said already? Just curious.
Quote: tonight I have my appointment to have a tour of the gym to see if I like it so at least I have somewhere to go tonight.
Quote: h to start saying ily (ok jethro you can kick me for this one now)
And don't think that he won't, either.
can understand their point of view. Once I finish the book, I'll likely take Michele's advice and leave it where W has an opportunity to find it. Doubt she'll read it, though - complaining is her game, not finding solutions. 
h must have heard what I said the other night! 