Quote: well when I started folding I gave h ow's bill and asked that he do something with it so that I wouldn't be tempted to do something nasty with it. h took it and ripped it up in little peices and put it in the trash? well say's I, now how will you get paid? h says I'll just print up a new copy.
Hey, that's great. In his own way, he gave you a kind of release. I think that was thoughtful, no?
Quote: went back down and let him know that I feel that the main cause of our problems is that our sex drives don't match. that I want it more than he does, that I get angry, resentful, depressed, feel unatractive, un-feminie etc. then all the little things become a source of frustration to me. basically the conversation just got no where til h just said "you're just misserable"
LL, I'm kind of getting stuck on some of this stuff myself. Not so much sex, but other "expectations." I think it's so frustrating for us because we're trying to work things out, we're trying to act like normal M couples do, but our Ses are not normal and they don't give in the way we need (or request) them to. Hence, your next remark:
Quote: I really want this r to work out in a way that we can both be happy and not have to fully compromise who we each are to make it work.
Wish things had gone better. But I think tthe R talk and your being honest about physical needs is good in spite of everything. Give him time to let your comments sink in.
Hey, sounds like a good ski trip, with the exception at the end of course.
Well, I have to say that it is really hard. Think about your separation for a moment, what were the things you thought about that you would like to change? Are these permanent changes you made to yourself? If I remeber correctly, one of them was keeping your mouth shut, right? I think you did very well for that regards when you were on the slope as you kept your unhappiness under your throat.
One thing struck me funny is that your H did not think of why you were angry until almost the end of the trip. You've got to give him credit for thinking that hard during that time. This is someone that is trying to please you, albeit a bit slow to your standard (hack, I probably would still be puzzled if my mate was treating me like that. Call me slow if you will). Otherwise, he could have just left you alone, being agitated by your persistent inquiry of his PA with OW, not he has too many rights to be angry, though...
As for the, eh, libido issue, I would say it is indeed a common problem. As dotto has mentioned it, it is good that you recognize that, even though right now there is not much that you can fix until your H realizes that.
IMHO, I think the bigger issue is really a communication. To be fair, you could not expect your H to figure out what went wrong as you became unhappy of the day-care place your H is working on. You did a good job keeping your mouth shut, but your mood was soured and you made sure that showed. I think you know that this is not the best way to interact.
Same thing with the bills you are folding for him. Now I realize that how much love were putting to those invoices I got from contractors. But protesting OW's invoice was perhaps not necessary; he could have been there personally to collect the fee if that is what he wanted to see OW. Even though I can understand that you were hurt seeing that invoice, it would just aggrevate your H as he would feel that his actions were not appreciated. It is good, though, that he tore up the invoice: He got to vent his unhappiness while showing his restraint. He could have driven away to see her or gone back to his apartment being annoyed.
Same thing with libido.
All I wanted to say, LL, is that there has to be a better way for you to express frustration with each other, especially from you like sex and hints of OW, because I see a bad communication pattern still remains, no matter how hard you try to keep your mouth shut or how hard your H tried to please you and stay home. On the other hand, I also recognize that there was not much you can do as you cannot force your H to work on the issues you think important, in a way you think that is constructive, like in C. But you really have to work on it, perhaps starting from yourself, as I am just concerned that this would lead to a destructive path unless you two know you just need a fight for a little bit once upon the time.
I thought of a book by Susan Page "How one of you can bring the two of you together". Its philosophy is pretty similar to DB, but from a quite different perspective in terms of improving interactions from one of you. I think there are a lot of good points that may be applicable to you.
So, LL, I apologize for the long, rambling and attacking post. What was I thinking when I recommended a relationship book to a well-read, big hearted person like LL? But just something I feel very important as you have recognized some of your problems, but it appears that there are frustrations what you can do about them. I definitely share that frustration and wish you luck. If you are truly displeased or offended, just whack to me with a 2x4 on my thread or next time you see me...
Chuck
BTW, I saw Sex-Starved Marriage was available already on the shelf of B&N last night...
Quote: because I see a bad communication pattern still remains, no matter how hard you try to keep your mouth shut or how hard your H tried to please you and stay home
you're absolutley right chuck, there is a huge communication problem here. I like to talk about things, what bothers me etc. I know enough now to pick my battles and let the small things go. are they really worth the fight anyway?
thing is h is a non-communicator. never complains about anything but my complaining. seems perfectly content with everything. just lets it all roll of his back. now that may work fine and well in the business world or with an aquantance but that is no way to have a true r, how can I live never knowing if h is bothered by something I do or say? how can we thrive if I never know if h is happy or sad or whatever.
I have come to the conclusion that h will probably never go to c with me, mine or any other. h does not want to have r talks (never did! wonder how we got here huh?) I guess h just comes from the place where everything will just work itself out naturally and you don't need to do any research or talking or working to get there. so lotta luck there.
guess I should just accept to be merely content. happy that I have a nice home two happy children and a h who is here to provide. don't know much else I can do at this point.
h woke with dd (or rather brought her downstairs and chilled on the couch, but that's ok I do it too) and son soon followed. I got up @ 9 am came down and made banana pancakes and sausages for all. h helped clean up breakfast. h took shower. h took son outside to play while he moved some more snow around. I put dd for nap and chilled on the phone, on the puter for a bit. dd started to wake. I suggested to h that we put the kiddos in the car, grab burgers or something and head out to get bar stools for the basement (h's sports pub) and a mantel (shelf) for the wall behind the bar. h thought that to be a good idea. off we went, got everything we needed and decided to skip the burgers and bring home a yummy bertucci's pizza instead. got home, ate, put dd up for nap #2 (gotta love the little ones that nap) while dd napped son played in playroom and h watched some football (oh should say that all day buddie and h conversed about the games that were on, via cb type phone) I suggested we put together the bar stools while dd was asleep. h agreed so we did. dd woke. dd and s and I played in playroom while h watched football. around 5:30 I brought kids up for dinner while h stayed downstairs watching football. dd didn't want to eat and was fussing, eventually h came up to see what the problem was. cleaned up dinner and went back down to play more. h wathcing more football. s wanted to play football (or some faximile) with daddy, eventually daddy gave in and they chased eachother round the stairwell with the football.
dd time for bath and bed. h set s up with video in family room. h goes back and forth from "cave" to fr to check on s. dd sleeping (aaaahhh!) I chill with s while h watches football. show over time for s to go to bed. I take care of it while h watches football. go down to "cave" to help h hang some pics in "cave", h helps me hang mantel by my dart board. pics hung I sit for a few, then decide it's late I'm tired. say to h, I'm going up. h says ok, I'm going to watch the news I'll be up in a while. I go up, take shower and as I'm going to kiss kiddos goodnight (ya they're asleep but I can't resist the urge to kiss them before I go to sleep) and low and behold there is h getting ready to go to bed too. hmmmm? my curiosity is peeked. (why'd he come up already?) got spooned and went to sleep. h said "i had fun today" I " that's good" h "we got some things accomplished, plus I like hanging out with you guys" I "we like hanging out with you too"
Sounds like a great day to me. You are on a roll. I can only hope I can do things right like you. I am home today so give me a call if you get a chance!
You know what, LL? That sounds like a very nice, normal day in what would be called the LL household. Sometimes the most mundane days are the most "comforting." Are they not?
Sounds like a nice, homey day for all of you. H seems to becoming more comfortable at home...have not heard anything about staying at his apt..big step..keep it up Sue
Hey, that's great. In his own way, he gave you a kind of release. I think that was thoughtful, no?
