Hi LL ... me agian, Here I was giving you advise I hoped would help some ... only to find out by stopping by Acorn's thread that you had just given her the same ... so I'm telling you nothing you already didn't know ...
You truely are one special lady and your husband is damn lucky to have you making such an effort to keep your marriage.
well the trip went ok. started out very good. h came home from plowing and took a shower while I finished our packing, then we were off on our way. the drive was nice and h was talkative, the next day was very good til lunch time when we were finishing up lunch h called one of his guys to check how they were doing with the storm. all was well and h was letting employee know what drive ways to sand and mentioned just make sure to get to the day care. (ow does day care in her home so that is what I assumed he was talking about) didn't settle with me but I just left it alone and said nothing but did get up to go to the bathroom. when we went back out to ski some more h asked what was the problem. I said....this is why it is not productive for our m for you to continue to service that house. h mumbled something about perhaps eventually I wont. whatever just didn't settle right with me. but I ski'd off. put in a few more runs then decided I'd like to go take a nap told h he could go ski the diamonds while I slept. (i am a woosy skier) h decided to come in but went to the bar while I slept (didn't thrill me much but wtf)
that evening we both got massages. h took the male and later let me know it was so that I wouldn't get angry at him for taking the woman. (what if I wanted the man??) then we went back to the room and I poored a bath with way too many bubbles and turned on the jets. invited h in. then h decided we should get dressed and go down to dinner. I told him he'd have to shave my legs first, which he did, then we drained the tub and took a shower. then got dressed. (all that work up and no good stuff?) so we went down to dinner and had a few drinks. h then said why don't we play a couple games of pool and then go up and cuddle, I said why don't we skip the pool and just go up and cuddle. so we went up chainged into our pjs and h fell asleep. I wathced er and then went to sleep myself.
woke this am and decided I didn't want to ski, it was cold and snowy and I was hurtin from the day before (for those of you who don't ski, it is more than just sliding down a hill on two boards!! and we hadn't been in a couple years) h agreed so we took our showers (separately this time) got dressed checked out and headed of to breakfast. then stopped at a mall to get some stuff for son and my gf who was minding the kids. stopped at a pub for a beer and a drink then came home.
the whole ride home was a r talk. h doesn't have any more to say about his r with ow. is standing strong in that it was not at any point a pa. claims that no matter what he did it was never enough for me. he was never good enough for me. ( oh and that's why the one thing that I wanted from you, you gave to someone else??? all I wanted was for us to have a r not for you to just work and give me stuff)
basically I've realized that I cannot share with h, my hurt, my anger, my frustrations or my insecurities. as doing so only serves to push him away. so then I will let these feeling stew and he will never hear them. fair? no! but not much else I can do and h and I also discussed this.
so basically the whole ride home was crap til we were about 5 min from home and h suddenly realized what it was that infected our time that had been going well. (h is apparently a little thick)h asked what was it that set you off? h has another day care that he services that is in a complex that is also cared for, it is one of his primary customers when it comes to plowing as there are people dropping of their kids at 6am. I did not know of this other day care and was assuming it was her. h did not pick up the connection that I had made???
so when we got home gf was thrilled to see us (she doesn't have kids so spending that much time alone with two was an eye opener for her) we started to clean up the house then h took son outside so son could play in the snow and he could clean up the walkways with the snowblower.
h sent son in eventaully and stayed out for another 15min. I made some soup for son and h while I put dd to bed. h had been walking around in his underwear looking rather attractive and I let him know. told me well let's get these guys settled and then. well let's see. while I was putting dd to bed, h and son sat on couch watching tv. h fell asleep. I took son up and put him to bed. came back down and told h son wanted a kiss. h got up and went up to kiss son goodnight. I stayed in kitchen finishing the cookies I had been baking for our guests tommorow night. h never came back down. is asleep on sons bed.
so then?? I don't know?? I must have to much testosterone!
I'm just afraid that five or ten years down the line you'll become a WAW because your H spent too much time at work. Is this not a rather large red flag?
huge red flag!! but something that hopefully we are working toward fixing. h is understanding that alot of the complaining and nagging I did was due to his not being around and h now realizing that some of his not being around was due to my nagging.
Hi LL,
This is so similar to my situation - my H has been "absent" basically since our son came along. And I know it is his choice to work so much. I also know I drove him away by telling him I needed more support at home and resented him working so much.
It also struck me, about your H's reaction to you wanting to go back to school...since he doesn't seem to mind you doing other things, do you think he is threatened by the thought of you being more educated than him, and potentially more financially successful in a career? Friends of mine have pointed out that my H seems to be going to extremes to prove himself in his work (I have more schooling than he does). I think it's a male ego thing. Not their fault (I don't think of my H as particularly "macho") but it is deeply engrained!
Quoting LL:we went back to the room and I poored a bath with way too many bubbles and turned on the jets. invited h in. then h decided we should get dressed and go down to dinner. I told him he'd have to shave my legs first, which he did, then we drained the tub and took a shower. then got dressed. (all that work up and no good stuff?)
No lovin' in the tubbin"?!?! That bites! I don't think you could have screamed your intentions any louder.
Quoting LL:claims that no matter what he did it was never enough for me. he was never good enough for me.
Deflecting OW guilt?
Quoting LL:so when we got home gf was thrilled to see us (she doesn't have kids so spending that much time alone with two was an eye opener for her)
LOL!
Okay, LL, I'm gonna get you now. So, in your post you mentioned many of the frustrations that you had with your trip--no lovin' in the tubbin', H at the bar, phone call, R talk in the car. But, what I want to know is, what GOOD things happened? Did you have fun? C'mon, lay it out!
Quoting RJJ:Friends of mine have pointed out that my H seems to be going to extremes to prove himself in his work (I have more schooling than he does). I think it's a male ego thing. Not their fault (I don't think of my H as particularly "macho") but it is deeply engrained!
Well, RJJ, we are the proverbial providers you know...
Quote: do you think he is threatened by the thought of you being more educated than him
I already am more educated than h. I have a degree and h dropped out to start his business. while we were away we also discussed my going back to school and h doesn't seem to have an actual problem with it. thinks it would be good for me etc. it seems though that it is something that I will have to pay for myself? I get a job. put money away for myself and eventually go back to school? I don't know?
well I think that one of the main problems causing tension in this m is h's libido. has been a problem for years. I want it more than he does. I set things up like the bath and then nothing. I get frustrated and from there it goes.
Quoting lostlove: well I think that one of the main problems causing tension in this m is h's libido. has been a problem for years. I want it more than he does. I set things up like the bath and then nothing. I get frustrated and from there it goes.
Hi LL. Just stopping in. My H seemed to be more in the mood than me. But that was because his "getting in the mood" was diff from mine. He just didn't try hard enough to push my buttons. I like a little romance first.
But as far as the techincal side. No complaints. After 16 yrs, things worked well, if you know what I mean.
Had a great interaction with my H today. Yes, it was a SAM encounter. However, H was not as alien, and I enjoyed talking to him. You'll have to stop by and read about it.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
ok so here's an example of bad dbing on my part but what a weird reaction by h.
I offered to fold and stuff this months bills for h's business, (i used to do it all the time til preg with #2 then job went off to new sil) so h accepted and brought the bills home yesterday. well when I started folding I gave h ow's bill and asked that he do something with it so that I wouldn't be tempted to do something nasty with it. h took it and ripped it up in little peices and put it in the trash? well say's I, now how will you get paid? h says I'll just print up a new copy. and that was that.
so again an evening of no lovin'. h watched football and eventually at 11 I went to bed. then more bad dbing? I went back down and let him know that I feel that the main cause of our problems is that our sex drives don't match. that I want it more than he does, that I get angry, resentful, depressed, feel unatractive, un-feminie etc. then all the little things become a source of frustration to me. basically the conversation just got no where til h just said "you're just misserable" well I responded to that with " no youre the misserable one, I am letting you know as I have let you know so many times in the past what I see as a source of our problems and instead of wanting to do something about it you just tell me I'm misserable. if you continue to want to ignore this very real problem and make it my problem alone I can assure you that this r will be at risk.
so looking forward to michelles new book. hoping that h actually heard me (sometimes he says nothing or says something stupid like "your misserable" and then takes possitive action later without words) so well just wait and see.
I really want this r to work out in a way that we can both be happy and not have to fully compromise who we each are to make it work.
