Can you help the Brue my friends? PLEASE READ.

[brueniap]

Not sure I can get any answers from my buddies here before this evening which is just a couple hours away really.

I haven't heard from H in 5 days. Wondered why. My mind has been thinking "what's he thinking?".

You see, his lease is up at the end of April. We talked about that for a moment a couple weeks ago - but no major discussion. I did mention that perhaps he could continue renting on a month to month basis. He said he felt sure that he could but that he didn't want to put anymore money out for an apt. That was it!

I actually have been semi dreading this moment because so many things haven't been discussed........so many.

So he came over for lunch today and among other things casually said (as he put his arms around me) "so do you want a room-mate and a husband?"

I've been wondering all week if this was part of the things he was thinking about since the time is drawing nigh to the end of the month.

I said "I can't answer that til we've discussed some things". But I knew there wasn't time now cuz he was going to something in a couple of hours and I don't see this as something that can be decided in a couple of hours. NO WAY!

So I asked what he was doing tonite? No plans. Told him we'd eat together and finish the left overs and I was going to Challenge him big time (just like he loves to do to everyone). He's huge for play "devil's advocate." He does it with everyone in all circumstances. Makes him kind of wishy-washy in a way cuz you can never really tell what he's thinking. You say "black" - he says "white". Then you say "white" - and he says "black". DRIVES ME NUTS!!! He would have questions to answer. He said maybe he wouldn't be able to answer all the questions. I said that was fine - but that he was not to lie to me. I was done with that kind of bullsh!t at this stage in my life. There's other bullsh!t out there to deal with - but I was not dealing with this kind anymore.

I wonder if he just needs a place to stay as he figures out the 'music" dream. Doesn't matter.......I really don't care if he comes back.........or if he stays away. I just know that I'm am not ready to have him home yet if he's going to come thru here planning to live and not offer anything at all to the mix. Pretty simple. I'm not expecting flowery stuff. But I don't want to wake up with him walking out again after a couple of weeks because of how he perceives things.

I don't play games anymore folks. Unfortunately I still have a side of me that's willing to be open and caring and walked on. I'm not sure about our income because he has none for here. Nothing is different since he left.........except me.....and i've grown some balls and am doing alright trying to navigate my life on my own.

On the other hand..........my life is with my Lord. We have discussed this already this morning before H even called me today. I told my Father that I only want what He wants in my life and for Him to please place His words in my heart, mind and tongue. So just because I sound like this now doesn't mean a thing when it comes to dealing with H. Sometimes I spew things out of my mouth that I know came straight from my Lord (when I would have much rather said something else instead).

No relationship talk? Doesn't phase me now.........i guarantee if we don't talk about our R that I won't have him come back here. No games will be played tonite - coming back home is too serious a discussion to make jokes as if nothing ever happened here.

I will know in my heart what is right. I've been so close with God thru this past year or more......I want to stay in that place...without that place - quite honestly - I wouldn't bother to stay married anymore. But I know there has to be more to it than just say goodbye.

The last time he came home a different person was when he had his accident - 10 years ago. It's been a miserable 9 years - til he left. I like being here alone now with him coming by once or twice a week or me going to his place.

there's no arguing.

since he let me back in his life back in the summer.....he still only talks about himself. So I wonder how much of him is really even thinking about me or just looking for a place to stay without having to pay rent. And even that doesn't matter so much as answers to other questions I have.

as for OW talks.........been there, done that.......several times over the years. this is not a concern either. i don't even know how to tell you what my thots are........i just know he has to have the right answers to my questions.

maybe all i'm asking you guys to do is pray for me during this evening and this weekend.

I want to be very careful how i approach this whole scenario.

Thanks for your prayers and thots my friends.


brue

[Jeanette1120]

{{{BRU}}}

I have such chills running over me...

Sweetheart....you already know the answer. I read it in your post. You know what path you want to be on. If thats the one you want don't stray.

Rest assured my prayers will be with you!

Jeanette

[Santhony]

Hello Brue,

Not sure if I can help, but I can surely offer up prayers. From what it sounds like - he still doesn't know what he wants to do and seems very self-centered.

You seem like you are in a good place (or at least the best place you can be in given the circumstances). So you may have to go with your gut on this. But I understand that it would be tough to let him stay only to have him walk out a month or so later.

So he came over for lunch today and among other things casually said (as he put his arms around me) "so do you want a room-mate and a husband?"

What is he really asking here? Is he saying he wants to live there AND be your H finally? It could just be a financial ploy from his side, hard to tell. But I think you know him enough (or at least the old him) to discern the difference.

I think we all need to remember that we teach people how to treat us. It sounds like you have some ideas of how you want to be treated and your own expectations of how living together again would need to be for you. We are also telling ourselves NOT to have expectations when we go through this mess - but at what point do we need to start to have them? I don't really have a good answer, but perhaps when they start to come back. It may be less about expectations and more about boundaries - there is a difference. But "teach" him how you want to be treated. You have been through a lot, don't want to play games, and want to be honest. Make this clear to him. Heck, maybe even charge him for rent (sorry couldn't resist).

Perhaps he feels like you want to save the M and will do anything just to have him around. Maybe by being up front and honest with him about your feelings in all of this - he will return the favor by being honest himself. He may decide Yes - he wants to give it another go or No - it is not worth it. Just some thoughts.

I don't know if any of this helps. But I will say some prayers for you and hope for the best. I hope your weekend and any talks you have go well for you.

God Bless,

Santhony

[Lissett]

(sigh)

May 2nd 2007 10 years. You and I are kindred spirits, we have so much that revolve around each other.

Let the Captain come home.

You have been thru the worst. You have found a spirit that we all aim for. You have found a source of peace within you that I we all aim for.

Brue, this is the Brue show.

Captain is a supporting actor/singer.

You have God on YOUR side, what can happen to you now?

Brue I remember us talking at the bar, and you telling me what you have been thru.

I remember the look of peace on your face, (gosh I am falling in love with you all over again, thinking about it )

What can possibly ever measure to that hurt in the past my love?

Nothing, you have broken those barriers, you have nipped any anger in the bud. You walk with God.

You will be ok.


I love you and miss you

[brueniap]

Santhony -

You pulled out the one phrase that hit me the most today. I also thot when H asked about the roommate/husband thing - did he really mean it about being a husband? This is what this will be about tonite - I assure you.

You see - I don't mind if he wants to continue pursuing all that he's been doing. I don't even care if he goes out and sings each nite of the week and tries to find himself in this world.

I do care if he caps on me because I will not be going with him to ALL of the things he deems necessary in his life to find his way. I do have a problem if he thinks that my working and trying to earn a living and get out of debt is "interfering" with me doting on him.

I do have a problem if he stays up all nite many nites of the week working on music.......and then holds it against me if I can't sleep so I get up to work on a project (something I always did before - which he took as a personal slight against him). I don't sleep well.......and I sleep even less when I sleep with him.

It may be less about expectations and more about boundaries - there is a difference

I think this is what I need to think about - perhaps it is a boundaries thing.

this is so hard...........

i've loved having peace and quiet and not fretting over this that and the other. It was so nice not having those stresses in my life anymore. Thank you for your thots Santhony - you have no idea how appreciated they are.

JEANETTE -
I think I'll know my gut later on. I know that God has not let me down even one time since this whole thing happened - not once. I'm sure He will be by my side tonite as well. Thank you for you prayers.

I'm willing to listen to any guidance. I did tell him today that I am not influenced by what others in town or from church would think......because I guarantee that there are many who would think me crazy for letting him come back home after "all I've been thru". I don't really care about that - that's not even an issue with me.


brue

[brueniap]

There's peace in your words Lissett.

You're making me think a little more.

I miss you too.........you make me smile...........meeting you showed great new strength on my life. It got me outside of me.

My babies were home last weekend.......my Josh and his Lesley. They asked about you. Lesley still hasn't used up the film yet but promises when she does we'll get to see the pictures of our "bar" experience.

I can't tell you the peace I felt that week I met you. It was like a new cap on my life and where I was headed.......gaining strength..........and losing the fear I have carried with me my whole life.........

maybe this is what i'm afraid of losing again if the Captain comes home.........I'm not sure.......

but your note gives peace.......and I have to take that into serious consideration.

I love you Lis

brue

[brandnewday]

Brue,
Just dropped you a quick email.
I really do understand what you are going through right now.
It is the very thing we all pray for and then it is the reality of it.
To thine own self be true.
(((Faith)))

[fig]

brue...the answer is in your heart...God will help you find it when the time is right.

You sound super ready to have whatever discussion is necessary and ready to make your decision based on the answers you get. I'll be sending positive thoughts your way!!!!!

[Was2sad]

Under the outer shell of resolve, we know what you would wish for.

You are rightfully afraid of it all blowing up in your face.

How will he explain what kind of H he wants to be?
How will you explain what you need from a H?

How will you explain what kind of W you want to be?
How will he explain what he needs from a W?

You two don't need to be roomates first to begin meeting those needs.

He should be able to ride his original lease, one month at a time. Fine print stuff.

If he just wants to come home for material reasons, deal with them. Solve them. See if it makes sense to have a roomate that might grow beyond that to friends, and more.

The two of you should end the talk with a promise to each other ... to sit very quietly before bed tonight, meditating and praying on what was discussed. Become very still and listen for answers. Open your wounded heart to be filled with strength and kindness. Be at peace always with your inner voice, and let it speak for you.

(((Brue)))

[almosthopeful]

brue,

((((brue)))). I am happy for you, however this turns out. You are being offered choice.

I will be praying my odd-ball type of prayer for you tonight.

My opinion:

Do more listening than talking.

Be totally honest with the feelings and thoughts you have in response to what he says.

Remember that no decision is ever final, and we can always change our minds.

Much love,
AH