On the 4th XH called the house, oldest S answered. They talked for about 15 min. Then he talked to me. I think only because S asked if he wanted to.. We only spoke for a few min.
I don't hear from him again until Friday. He sends me a page: Hello. Sorry to bother you. What is the number to the _________?
I tried to call him a couple of times to give him the information and to just chat, but got his VM.
Later in the day I sent him a text message with the information he wanted and that I had tried to call him. I said the he is never a bother.
He paged me back that he had been in back to back meetings all day.
Later that night, 10:30p, he called me. We talked for about 1/2 hour. Just little stuff, what we were doing on the weekend etc.
Saturday night, well I guess it would have been Sunday morning, he called at 1:30am. I could tell he was driving. He said that a guy he works with was having trouble with his GF and they went out to dinner, and then "people watching". I didn't ask for more details.
As we talked he got home and got ready for bed. This led to full on phone sex.
As things heated up, we were talking about how this would be better in person. He kept asking me to come up on Sunday. I told him I wanted to come up for more than one day. I said lets plan on next weekend. He said lets do both. I don't have the money to do both. Things are getting quite ummmm hot now and he keeps saying "tell me you'll come up tomorrow, tell me tell me. I kept saying I can't, you know I want to. Toward the "end" I said yes that I would come up.
After, he asked if I was coming up. I said, I really want to but I can't.
Then he called me a liar. I said that isn't nice. He said, you lied, said you would come up now your not. We said good night and that was it. No contact yesterday.
WTF?? I don't hear from him for a week, and only in the "heat of the moment" he askes me up; keeps asking and asking and yeah, I DO WANT TO SEE HIM! In the past I would drop everything to go see him. Last time I went up, it was at the last min. We were talking and he says, hey, come up today. I have never said no.
I don't know if we are really going to get together this weekend. I guess I'll just wait and see.
I feel like he is looking for some reason to be able to call me a liar. Don't know. Just seems weird to me.
We did spend over 1 1/2 hours on the phone, so I guess that is a good thing. When he first called he said he was sorry for calling so late, but he just wanted to find out how my conversation with youngest S went. REALLY, that couldn't wait 6 more hours to call on Sunday?
OMG, in reading your story I do believe our sitch are very similar... We do temperature checks, what makes us believe our Xh's would not do the same thing.
Quote: I am torn between feeling like he is reaching out to me and in his fog induced state, that just happens to be when things get to him........ And what the heck is he thinking about? I feel like he WANTS to be with me, but is afraid, maybe?
This is exactly how I feel.
IMHO you are on the right track, keep your chin up and have a great day!
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Well, I'm afraid I can't be much help to you on this one. For the life of me, I cannot understand why someone like you would want to pursue reconciliation with someone who has had an A, DIVORCED YOU, calls you a liar and tells you to sleep with whomever you want, expects his XW to come up for the day and satisfy him on the drop of a hat, blames you for your lack of committment, tells you that you deserve better, doesn't have the COURAGE to change the mess he's in, ETC, ETC, ETC, ON and On and ON...
History aside, is this the kind of guy you would normally pursue an R with??
My LETTING GO advice to you would be to be DONE with this guy and find someone more stable and who WANTS TO BE WITH YOU, THE RIGHT WAY..
As I tell others in sitchs like this, "LIFE IS TOO SHORT". If I were you, I'd be OUT THERE DATING so fast, his head would spin.
You are DIVORCED, if for some reason, you still feel like you want this to be the guy that "loves" you, I'd start acting like you have fallen off the face of the earth, don't contact him outside issues with the kids, and let him FIND OUT what LIFE IS LIKE without you in it. Put some RESPECT back in your corner, by not going to spend time with an X who calls you a liar if you can't go to see him for a day..
You will be surprised at how even the cowardly of coward WAs, can muster up the resolve to win back their LBS if they are motivated to PURSUE so as NOT TO LOSE..
Right now, you're too accessible for someone who has been "Cut" so to speak.. Until that changes, I just don't see where the motivation for him to rethink what he's helped create in terms of the end of the M, is going to come from.
That advice Wiley gave you will be hard as you know since you love your xh but if you can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and do it, the results may amaze you!
Wiley's right on! Respect yourself first cause right now you are responsible for your own happiness (or at least sanity )!!!
Water - guess for once I have to disagree with Wiley (sorry darlin' )
I think you know your H is in a terrible depression and the attendant fog. I think you also know that your H is trying to reach out to you through that fog, and has been making steps forward ever since the D. Sure, he's still a mess, and you'd be totally justified if you wanted to move on without him, but since you still want to give him a chance, I think being MORE responsive to him when he reaches out (I would have hopped on that plane when he invited you!) is the way to go.
Sure, you want him to make plans more in advance with you but HE'S NOT CAPABLE at the moment.
And his earlier lashing out at you is just him projecting his own guilt and pain onto you.
I think it's okay to say "look, if you want to date me exclusively, then I would like X, Y, and Z - if you're not willing, then I may see other people at the same time."
I started this journey 2 years ago this month. This was the last time we were a family on a vacation together. That wasn't really the start of all things but the real turning point. We quickly slid down hill from there until the S and, well you know the rest of the story.....
I have learned so very much during this time. At first I was not a quick learner. I made a lot of mistakes. Even as I type the word mistake, tears are falling from my eyes.
I guess I am very reflective today, as I have come to the end of my R journey. XH called last night to tell me that XOW is pregnant. They have not seen each other since Feb, nor do they have plans to be together. He has known for a while, even during my last trip to Seattle.
I just cannot imagine how this will affect our two sons, 23 and 19. He plans to tell them this weekend. I�m not sure how that will go. He is a mess right now. Said he can barley function.
Mistakes?
It is ironic as that is what really brought XH and I together, as I was pregnant, when we were so very young and in love. I have always thought that God works in wonderful ways and not only did he bring us together, but gave us a wonderful S. Now that idea has been taken away from me too.
I have nothing more to give this R.
I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and I have no regrets for trying to have a R with the person I thought was my true soul mate.
Most of all I am so blessed to have spent the past year on this board with all of you. I will never be able to appropriately express my gratitude to all of you for your wisdom, support, and friendship. I wish each and every one of you the very best. I will keep you in my prayers.
Well I guess that goes a long way to explaining xH's hot & cold mannerisms as of late. Why it seems he was putting up a wall as you seem to move closer to each other. I'm sooo sorry, it turn out this way.
Quote: Most of all I am so blessed to have spent the past year on this board with all of you. I will never be able to appropriately express my gratitude to all of you for your wisdom, support, and friendship. I wish each and every one of you the very best. I will keep you in my prayers.
((Water)) You have been a wonderful friend. You are a beautiful, smart, great lady! I wish you the best in your future endeavors. Please email me sometime. I think you have my email addy, no?
For the life of me, I cannot understand why someone like you would want to pursue reconciliation with someone who has had an A, DIVORCED YOU, calls you a liar and tells you to sleep with whomever you want, expects his XW to come up for the day and satisfy him on the drop of a hat, blames you for your lack of committment, tells you that you deserve better, doesn't have the COURAGE to change the mess he's in, ETC, ETC, ETC, ON and On and ON...
)
I'm sooo sorry, it turn out this way. 