update on Halo's story, I think I should rename my thread to "Torture chamber with Halo"
Last time on "Torture chamber with Halo" we discussed the mixed signals Xh was sending to Halo, the hot and cold air that was coming from the Xh and the convenience of being in a R or the convenience of not being in a R. So okay that was cute for about three minutes. LOL
I have gone pretty dark, I let Xh call me and like so many times before he is being very attentive. This is a plus but why does he show me the attention I want and deserve the most when I go dark and make him wonder? Wiley said it best when he said
Quote: You're dealing with a guy who appears to living out two lifestyles, unsure of what he wants in the COMMITTMENT end of things.. You seem to know what you want, he doesn't, so, UNTIL HE FIGURES IT OUT, don't GIVE any more than you are GETTING, and pull back just a bit as you suggest.. When you continually GIVE to someone who is UNCERTAIN about what you are GIVING, STOP GIVING so much. As you've seen time and time again in your sitch, when things take on friction and you LET GO, a little, things seem to get better.
I think Xh is nervous because he cancelled plans we made for Friday and I made other plans in no time. I am sorry but I am not the type of person to just sit around and sulk because uncontrollable things come up. Saturday he comes to my house and takes me to an amusement park/restaurant style place on the bay for Lunch and a day in the sun. We really had a good time and again he throws a curve ball at me. bringing up the kid thing again and that "WE" need to find a place to live. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I asked him where he saw his-self in 5 years and Yeah finally a rock solid answer... . We talked a little more about "our" future and I let the conversation turn to other things. I am still dark and am thinking about the boundaries I want to enforce soon.
I hope all of you are well.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
nitaf- Yes, Xh and I ML. We ML almost every time we see eachother. On average 2-3 times a week. We connect on an intimate level, I have no concerns about that, its just the other levels I am a little concerned about. With all the mixed signals Xh has given me about virtually everything in all aspects of life regardless of if it has to do with "US" or anything else really, this is one topic we both see eye to eye on. I have given some thought to quit ML with him but then I decided against this because of two reasons... 1) We do connect on this level 2) I would also suffer. I figure our connection through ML is a start, and it is something to build on. I walk this board and read the stories that are similar to mine and I have noticed that the sitchs where there is no intimate contact (regardless if it's ML, or something as simple as a tender hug) the DBer's are having a more difficult time.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Quote: I think XH is nervous because he cancelled plans we made for friday and I made other plans in no time.
Good girl Halo, thats EXACTLY what you do in that instance, shows your independence rather than neediness. Your XH cancels, no problem, plenty of other things to do besides sit around and wonder whats up with him. WELL DONE.
Quote: I'm sorry but I'm not the type of person to just sit around and sulk because uncontrollable things come up.
No, you sure aren't.. And thats a good thing for your sitch because you are building RESPECT for yourself and your R, when you have the uncanny ability to IMMEDIATELY step outside/away from the sitch and simply DO YOUR OWN THING when you are not being TREATED the way you are TREATING, your XH pulls away, or the ball doesn't bounce your way all the time..
Quote: This is a plus but why does he show me the attention I want and deserve the most when I go dark and make him wonder.
Good question. To be honest, that is EXACTLY what most WAs probably say to themselves when they threaten to leave their Ms when they are not happy, and SURE ENOUGH the LBS makes more changes than a chameleon to get them back. Its the age old.."where was all this when I WAS committed?". You have shown your XH that allthough you PREFER the two of you live happily ever after, you are strong enough to move on if thats not in the cards. And its that loving you give him when things are good, tempered with the ability you have to not SETTLE when he vascillates too much, that inevitably draws him back to you. When it comes to Rs, we are all attracted to the challenge of someone who will cut us loose in a heartbeat, that just the way HUMAN BEHAVIOUR works, I majored in it, and I have case-studied it for HOURS and HOURS more during the demise of my own M.
Again, your XH talks a big game and he is showing signs of FUTURE committment. In accordance with you going a little dark when he insists on LIVING single but talking couple.., I would probably not get too excited when he talks about moving into a new apt, having kids etc. I would LISTEN, cheerily, say how "interesting that all sounds, but not give him the indication that you are QUITE as COMMITTED with him on that as much as a short time ago.." Thats how you maintain the leverage until he finally WALKS the TALK so to speak.
Wiley, just the confidence boost I needed. Like always you are right and I will have a margarita or two tonight. lol BTW- I have done exactly this..... " I would probably not get too excited when he talks about moving into a new apt, having kids etc. I would LISTEN, cheerily, say how "interesting that all sounds, but not give him the indication that you are QUITE as COMMITTED with him on that as much as a short time ago.." How are the sunny days treating you? its almost pre-season football time here; may not be minutemaid but it's still pretty sharp .
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Hi Halo, How are you doing? I would like to come have a couple 'ritas with you! OK, so I'm a little far away.
Anyway, I didn't see anyone to respond to this fact-your crazy fight that you had after the party was when he was drunk, no? And you had been drinking too? 'Tis best to wait (I'm guilty of this myself) until the next DAY to bring up issues. Talking while under the influence makes all kinds of crazy stuff come out of our mouths. And, we don't forget them.
Karen, come on over, the 'ritas will be ready around 7'ish. Ohio is only a short plane ride away.
About the Party fight... Yes, we both had been drinking, having a heated debate under the influence of alcohol is kinda like drinking and driving, always a bad idea and could lead to disaster. The good news about this debate is... Our R has not suffered because of this (IMHO I think it has actually gotten better).
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Hello, Its been a while since my last post. Things are going great, just very very busy with work and getting ready for the move.
Xh and I are spending lots of "quality" time together. We are really communicating better than ever and we have SUCCESSFULLY discussed the past a few times, I can tell by the look on his face it still causes him pain. It breaks my heart when I look at him during these conversations and I see the hurt in his eyes. As hard as it is for me to relive these bad moments I could only imagine the way it makes him feel. I have to admit after these talks things tend to get better between us. He said himself that it is healthy to talk about what happened between us, he also said learning from the past will make us stronger. WOW, my DB'ing is rubbing off on him. Xh has been to one to initiate all R talk. I have just been kicking back enjoying the sun and having some tropical drinks.
I hope all of you are doing well and I want you all to know you are in my prayers.
Lots of Love,
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
And thats a good thing for your sitch because you are building RESPECT for yourself and your R, when you have the uncanny ability to IMMEDIATELY step outside/away from the sitch and simply DO YOUR OWN THING when you are not being TREATED the way you are TREATING, your XH pulls away, or the ball doesn't bounce your way all the time.. 