Thanks for dropping by my thread. I need to go back and read more about your sitch and how you got to where you are now.
You are right the rest of us do need to hear things from the rest of you that made it and how you got to this point. I love your posts to me and all the help you give me. What you posted to me was right on the money for where I am at right now!
you deserve this wonderful outcome, as many of us would LOVE to be where you are now!
I have no doubts you will be where T2 is right now, her life is the ultimate!
Thanks for the well wishes! I'll say it again - I wouldn't be here were it not for this BB and learning about DBing.
My H was late in getting home last night so I called his office and he reminded me that it was "close" time so he had to stay until it was done. (Finance - accounting - it happens every month). I just said that I was worried when he wasn't here and hadn't mentioned working late.
He came home soon after that and I had dinner in the warmer for him. Made him shrimp sauted in garlic and butter (don't be fooled - it was out of a box from SAMs). But it was fabulous and a nice change from his usual steak. He is doing the Adkin's thing with great success. I couldn't do it because I need milk every day! Besides I can't eat all meat all the time!
Although I have cut down on bread. Plus I need chocolate every day too. My thirty pound loss was started with exercise, sped up with his leaving and kept off by watching how much I eat.
Anyway, my D9 and I were "Clean Sweeping" her room so we continued to work on that while he relaxed and watched a ball game (we won in 16 innings in innerleague play). Then I got the boys to bed and went myself. He came up and we chatted a bit and watched Leno, cuddled and went to sleep. Chatting and cuddling is nice and I have missed it - it had stopped long before he left.
We have a big weekend ahead of us - a birthday party for an friend of D9 tomorrow followed by a grad party for H's cousin's son - big family gathering. We had continued to do everything "family" together even when he wasn't living here - so it is not a big deal for us to go.
What is a bigger deal is how his demeanor around me when with other people - especially his friends and family. I'm not even sure he was aware of how he treated me - not verbally, but his body language and lack of bringing me into any conversations. I felt like I was an unwanted intruder on these occassions and it hurt my immensely as I am a very social person.
Right after he moved back, a good friend of his/ours stopped by and I stayed outside with them. He acknowledged my presence in a positive way, he let me feel part of and engage in the conversation. It felt wonderful.
That was one of the defining moments of his return - he couldn't fake that if he wanted to. And I am not even sure if he was aware of it before. But I knew that I had my H back then - the guy I fell in love with all those years ago - not the angry, bitter man he had become.
The Lord works in mysterious ways - and just a simple visit and conversation like that helped me know that we will truly build a new R together.
So while I wasn't testing his return or whatever you might call it - I was given a sign that may have been only apparent to me. Look for the small things - the things that may only have meaning to you. They can mean a lot in the grand scheme of things.
Have a great weekend. I'll be sure to check back if I get a chance.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I am sooooooooooo happy for you!!! You have a lot to be proud of and I hope you are feeling great about yourself!!
Isn't it strange how something like this occurs and it puts everything in our lives into better perspective. Problems that you thought were major before this crisis suddenly seem insignificant. We are truly blessed if we can maintain this new perspective and realization of what is really important in our lives and our purpose for being here.
I send my love to you and deep appreciation for your advice and feedback. Thank you so much!
PS - Perhaps you should explore being a DB coach, I am sure it is very fulfilling. Good luck to you!
I am heading out of town for a few days with the kids, MIL and SIL. Will journal more when I get back.
Suffice it to say, things are going well around here. My H just got back last night from 3 days of fishing. He is having dinner with some very close family friends while we are gone. This is his big brother (from the big brother program) who was a male figure for him after his dad left his life. He and his wife treat us like their kids and he even took my H out for lunch shortly after he left. But more about this later.
Gotta get myself and three kids packed along with all the doodads that are required to keep me sane while driving several hours to our destination.
Have a great week everyone. My thoughts and prayers will be with you even if I can't check in. Not even taking the laptop with this time!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Took the kids up north for a few days. My H was home alone but we spoke daily. The one night he called us because his cell phone was cutting out and he knew that we'd try to call him. The kids call him every night if he isn't going to be home - a hold-over habit that was formed when he didn't live at home.
I see that Michelle has a children's resource happening now. I can tell you that this ritual of calling every night strengthened the bond between my H and the kids, but also went a long way in opening our line of communications too.
That and a regular dose of ML . That is why I am copying a post that I did to nitaf here. It is a topic that I struggled with at times as I know that others do too. Should we ML with our WAS or not? Well, here are my thoughts on the subject if you care to know them...
Quote: Hey nitaf,
I've been gone, but in catching up I see that you are questioning whether or not to ML. Well, I am on the side of ML all you want - why let a part of your R that works go bad while working on other portions of your R?
When my H left last August, he was so angry that he couldn't bring himself to go past the bottom of the stairs. He didn't want to talk to me but I made sure the kids spoke to him every night. (This is all detailed in my old thread in Newcomers as well as other Piecing threads)
In early October, something happened at work that brought him to me to talk. He was giving me a hug and saying he had to leave or he couldn't be responsible for what might happen - that is when I told him that ML was good and we shouldn't stop that while working on our M. Well, we ML that night. The wall between us started to crumble with that small step.
Soon we were ML a couple times a week after the kids went to bed. Along the way he started talking to me at the end of his conversation with the kids. Then we were doing things together as a family...after spending the holidays as we always have - he started coming here after work each day, only sleeping at his apartment. Now he is back home.
Get the picture? Sometimes you have to go against conventional wisdom.
When my H moved home I found out there had been an EA going on. But you know what? She wanted a PA and he told her he wasn't interested. He then ended the EA and he hasn't seen or heard from her in several months.
To me that confirms that what I did was the right thing for us - even though there were times when I questioned it myself. Our increased physical intimacy helped bring us back together in other ways.
It also makes it doubly sweet that he is home. He discovered that what we have is worth saving.
So you should do what works for you. He is calling at night to talk to you - even if the excuse is to talk about your son. Mine did that too.
Talk to your H about having a nighttime routine that your son calls whichever parent he isn't with at a set time (or thereabouts). Then the two of you can touch base at the end of it. Just a quick, upbeat, casual connection. See what happens.
If anything, I have learned from this, is to watch for the smallest positive behaviors. Don't acknowledge or question them - just appreciate them and reward them with a returned positive behavior on your part.
You'll be amazed at the results. Good luck!
Things are going well here with H at home. And the ML continues in full force. Confirms my H's primary LL - one that I didn't appreciate prior to learning about DBing.
I'll journal more later. Thanks for your support and encouragement.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
. That is why I am copying a post that I did to nitaf here. It is a topic that I struggled with at times as I know that others do too. Should we ML with our WAS or not? Well, here are my thoughts on the subject if you care to know them...