Well...I just jumped over here from newcomers. So stats first off:
me: 24
H: 28
M: 2 years
R: 4 years
no kids
seperation officially lasted two months--this was our second go round at it (unfortunately)
I woke up Sunday feeling weird and insecure again. Something about us being "official" again shifted my brain. I had actually expected this, after last week--there was an incident where I was reminded of all of the old stress and pressure from the M. I wanted to call him...but I just left it alone, since it was fairly early, and I knew he would still be sleeping after work.
But H called me, asked me I wanted to eat and maybe to the gym with him. I told him of course I did, so he came over to pick me up.
We wound up at this Chinese place, with some food I had actually never tried before. H is always complaining that I never try anything new...heh... I ate some stuff that, for some reason, made me queasy to look at it. But I gave it a go! Shrimp with the head still attached (why this bothered me is beyond me...I love shrimp...it must have been the eyeball...), something that looked like a baby octopus, raw oysters... He told me that he was glad that I "do stuff" with him now. I guess he's talking about the drinking and dancing, as well. H commented that we were having a very nice time--sort of a treat for our reconciliation.
We headed back to my place, to rest before the gym. We wound up cuddling...which turned into ML. Which led to one of the best naps I have ever had. The window was open, a nice breeze was coming through. H was curled up with me. We were both out too long to make it to the gym, unfortunately, but I don't think he cared.
We talked some more. I could see he was feeling vulnerable--feeling very guilty. Asked me why I loved him. I told him that he was kind and caring, and that I fel safe with him. We talked about how I've never been with anybody else (unlike his extended history). How I'd only kissed three guys, and he was actually even the first guy to even get to "first base." He asked what was so special about him--if he had just been in the right place, right time. I told him that he was very considerate, never pushed on me what he wanted, and made me feel very safe. H told me that all of that made him feel very special. That he thought I was one of the most faithful, loving people he had ever met. He commented that it felt right with me. I told him not to worry about all the stuff that had happened--it's not uncommon for a marriage to go through a rough spot. He said it must be in the air...there are two other people at his job who are seperated now. I told him it's just the age group we're in, that's it's common, and we're all in the same "phase" of our relationships. This seemed to help him feel better.
I showered, while he went down to the car to get his books to study (which was supposed to have been the whole point of the day, anyway). He wasn't back up when I got out, so I stepped out on the balcony, to see where he was at. He was sitting in the car, on the phone. So I left him alone.
He came back up several minutes later. Much more stiff and obviously defensive. He sat down on the couch with me, and we started in on the math stuff. A few minutes later his phone rang, and he took it out on the balcony. After he came back, he commented, "She's really flipping out, thinking I'm going to move out." I had kind of suspected it was a long conversation with roommate, but my new approach is to not pressure him or ask questions, in an attempt to control my jealousy.
Not too long after that she called back again. This girl drives me crazy...and he doesn't think she has a romantic interest in him?? Yeah, right...
I could tell he was still pretty uptight, and I was getting concerned that it was me. I could tell I was falling back in the pre-seperation trap of getting hung up on his emotions, so I just asked him if something was wrong. He said he hated getting yelled out--then was quick to add it had been roommate. He said he hadn't broken the news to her yet that he was giving up the apartment, but that she suspected.
He also said he could tell I was bothered by her calling so much. I said that yes, it did bug me, but I was making an effort not to harass him for it. I just thought (and have always thought) she called him too much. H told me that he liked his friends calling him--and actually even volunteered that he has always taken his calls in another room, and told me it probably started when he was a kid. Not that that was what bothered me...just that that stupid woman can't get it through her head she calls my H too much.
H did say that she was getting kind of weird. Like she felt betrayed or something by the fact that he was going to move--which essentially forces her out of the apartment, since her name is not on the lease.
The discussion didn't last too long. The evening was actually pretty nice. Helped him study for the GED. I did notice I was starting to hang too much on what he was feeling again...fawning on him by getting him drinks and snacks or whatever. I need to be more careful of that, it gets me too hung up in what he wants.
H was nice enough to share his chocolate with me. (Yuuuummmm). He knows how much I love that stuff, and has a tendency to hog it.
We discussed me moving back down close to his family again. He offered to help pay for a two bedroom, but I said that it wasn't necessary. I want to get my finances straightened out, and don't want the extra responsibility right now. Especially if he is leaving for basic soon.
He asked if, once we were living together, if we could have two seperate bedrooms set up. That we would primarily sleep in one, but have the other set up for him in case he needed that extra space. I told him that I thought it was a good idea, and it actually didn't bother me in the least (which is true!).
I used to fall asleep on the couch while he was still in the living room--drawing, or watching TV or whatever. I asked him if had ever bothered him, having to get me to move to the bedroom. He told me no, that he had actually liked the fact that I just wanted to be around him. What had bugged him was when he would be busy on the computer or whatever, and I would start "demanding" (his word) attention. Good to know.
H definately prefers to pursue. He says the opposite, but it's pretty clear from his actions. The less I ask for/initiate sex, the more we have. The less I call him, the more he calls me and asks me to do stuff with him. The trick is to help him feel less pressured.
I feel pretty calm today. Yesterday I had actually been pretty nervous... One of the best tricks I've learned, for me, to help seperate the past is to mentally "pack a suitcase" and throw it off a cliff or off a train or something like that. LOL! I haven't talked to him yet, but I'm looking forward to it.
Congrats on deciding to give it another try. How long were you two separated the 1st time? Do you have an email address or im. I would like to ask you something but I don't want to do it on the board.
Hey, I have to go back and read your whole story. You H reminds me of mine a bit. Mine also likes to pursue, doesn't like me demanding his attention but loves me being in the room around him. Etc.
Great that you are here. I hope it works. Keep us posted!
My H is actually a very sensitive guy. I didn't realize how strongly some of my actions were affecting him. Ooops! I'm learning to be much, much more perceptive to his reactions.
I think it came about because you always hear people talk about "baggage" in an R. It just sort of...manifested into a suitcase I could stuff anything into and just get rid of. Was literally a weight off of my shoulders!
Quote: Wow...that's so funny. My husband also takes the phone to another room.
I try to not let it bother me...and to kill any ASSumptions that pop into my mind.
Yeah, me too. Especially since he'll walk in the other room when his mom calls.
And H went into a big explanation the other day, anyway. On how he had done it ever since he was a kid, because he never had any privacy.
I have learned that H is very perceptive to my moods. If I don't harass him about it, he stills knows I am bothered. I can't seem to just get away with acting "as if"--LOL! But he will ask me if I'm okay. Which leads to a more productive conversation, usually with him volunteering lots of info to make me feel better.
Quote: How long were you two separated the 1st time?
Three weeks, back in Oct 03. The absolute worst three weeks of my life. Worse than this seperation, but I also stumbled across DB and this BB, which has been a life-saver to me.
You can e-mail me at siereyna at yahoo dot com. I'm on IM off and on, but feel free to contact me that way as well.
So last night was, for the most part, good. H called me while I was at the gym, then again while I was at the tanning bed (my new guilty pleasure--if he can smoke, I can tan! ). First vmail said he had had a "bad" conversation with roommate; it also sounded like he was rationalizing why I hadn't answered the phone. The second one he sounded pretty concerned, asked why I hadn't called him back yet since it was well after I got off of work.
I called him back as soon as I got in the car. He sounded pretty relieved. Now that all this stuff has happened, he seems to have gotten more nervous about where our R is headed. I think it's the guilt eating him up again... H asked me if I was headed home, I said I was, and he asked if I would go to the gym with him. So I said okay.
The gym has been an interesting stress point for us. After the first seperation, we were supposed to have a workout day together. This was before I had an idea how to handle my panic attacks, and I got completely freaked out several times. So I never wound up actually going with him--something I know he was wanting, in retrospect, to feel closer to me.
I had already been yesterday, but I agreed to go and spot him. Even though I knew I was going to do a lousy job. Part of my path forward is to force myself out of my comfort zone, and get used to that uncomfortable feeling, a little at a time, until I can handle it. Yeah, I did a bad job of spotting. I ignored his cranky comments while he was working out. Before, this would have bothered me, but now I realize that it just means he's concentrating on something else. But I still did it! I told H that I didn't really know what I was supposed to be doing, and he said that if I had let him work with me (which I had backed out of so many times before) I would have known. So I told him to work out with me, then. He thought about it, then suggested maybe he, BIL2, and I all three go to the gym together. I think he's trying to introduce another element to help me stay calm, which is very sweet. But, whatever, it still sounds fun.
H said he was hungry, but it was late, so he decided he wanted to just go buy some groceries anyway. On the way over we discussed roommate. I guess she's suspicious of his moving out--which will leave her with no place, since she's not on the lease--and was acting very nice to him the night before. So that he was surprised and couldn't just go ahead and tell her. (I guess H can't be mean even when he's planned to when someone is being nice...mental note...).
On the drive to the store, H mentioned some female name I hadn't heard before, that she lived somewhere in the area. I've been practicing not letting my jealousy get me, so I just kept my mouth shut. But, H is incredibly perceptive--and could tell I was bothered. He asked what was wrong. I told him that I didn't want to harass him, like I promised. I think he figured it out, though, because he let it drop. But this was where something went weird in my head.
I started thinking about how roommate had sat in the car. In the passenger seat. Where I was sitting. Now, I know for a fact nothing happened. But all of sudden, I felt like I was going to get sick. I was even still feeling weird once we walked into the store.
H could tell I was being distant. I just told him I was feeling funny. He asked what was wrong, and I said nothing (we were in a store!). I finally told him that I would wait out in the car. He looked sort of panicked, asked if I still wanted to be with him. I said of course I did. H told me that I hesitated, and wanted to know why. Great...digging a hole fast...so I told him I would just wait outside.
Well, I couldn't stand to sit in the car, so I walked a little while away and sat down on the rails to one of the cart corrals. Absolutely broke down in tears. I really should have seen this whole thing coming. It was much worse after we got back together from the first seperation. But I hit that point again where I was having doubts. I kept thinking it didn't make sense why I wasn't happy--I had what I had wanted! Then I thought maybe I just wanted him since I couldn't have him before. All of the stuff with roommate had suddenly started bothering me again--I think because, before, my strategy was just to tell myself it didn't matter since we weren't "together." Well, now we were, and she's still living there.
I had a good cry. A really good cry. Kept thinking I wanted H to come out and give me a hug. Then it dawned on me...clearly I didn't want to get away if I wanted him to hug me.
I was about to wander back in when H came out. It actually took him a minute to find me--said he thought I had left. I told him I wouldn't do that...I had his keys! He looked pretty worried, stayed back from me and everything. I told him to give me a hug, and he did.
He leaned next to me on the rail. Started smoking--guess I stressed him out. Ooops. He asked me again if I wanted to be with him, and I said that I did. That I think the whole thing just had hit me again. It's kind of like when you're pushing against a wall...and you push, and push, and put your whole weight into it...all of a sudden, over it goes. And you go falling with it because you weren't expecting it! (I gave him this analogy, too.) I think I just sort of crashed down from all the emotions.
And I explained to him about how all of the sudden roommate was bothering me like crazy again, how what had made me feel better before was my idea that I didn't have any "claim" on him. He protested that he was taking care of the situation--and I told him I knew that, that's one of the reasons I didn't want to tell him. I'm not trying to make him feel any worse than he already does! I told him it was kind of weird because I felt like--even though it wasn't true--he had moved in some gf right after I left. That I was really weird she wanted my cat, and that he was trying to be nicer to her, in asking her to leave, than he was to me. I also told him that I knew the reason he had been so horrible to me (and hadn't realized it until much later) was because he was hurting, really badly, and he starts acting prickish as a defense.
H asked if it was my fear of being in a relationship that was panicking to me again (I've had it at every stage, except the wedding, of our R and every other one I've tried to be in). I told him no, but I actually think, now, that was part of it. He then told me I had panicked him, but that he deserved that after what he had put me through. (See...with the extreme guilt again...) I told him that it didn't matter. He then volunteered to give me full access to his money when he leaves for basic. It's not that he didn't trust me before, but I think he needed that barrier (seperate money) to feel in control. And that he was looking forward to, in the future, us having a family together.
H dropped me off back at my place again. We held for quite some time in the car. I didn't want to go, and he didn't want to either, but he was supposed to work early this morning. I told him we were fine, and for him not to worry. I could tell he was still a little bothered. But I told him that everything would work out okay.
H called me, briefly, after he drove off. Just to say ILY and good night.
So stats first off:
I told him not to worry about all the stuff that had happened--it's not uncommon for a marriage to go through a rough spot. He said it must be in the air...there are two other people at his job who are seperated now. I told him it's just the age group we're in, that's it's common, and we're all in the same "phase" of our relationships. This seemed to help him feel better.
Part of my path forward is to force myself out of my comfort zone, and get used to that uncomfortable feeling, a little at a time, until I can handle it. Yeah, I did a bad job of spotting. I ignored his cranky comments while he was working out. Before, this would have bothered me, but now I realize that it just means he's concentrating on something else. 
Then I thought maybe I just wanted him since I couldn't have him before. All of the stuff with roommate had suddenly started bothering me again--I think because, before, my strategy was just to tell myself it didn't matter since we weren't "together." Well, now we were, and she's still living there.