Quote: yes, I then did say a few things I shouldn't have but wtf?
You mean you said them to h? or to someone else? We may come back to this later
Quote: when I called home from the ship h was distant and sounded like he was talking to a stranger. When he picked me up at mothers house yesterday he greeted mom with a kiss, moms bf with a kiss and then me with a distant kiss less friendly than that he just given my mother. We returned home I handed out the gifts I had purchased for the kids, h, mil, grand mil and fil...h then sat at the puter for a long while...mil and grand mil decided it time to leave so I set out about straightening up the house, putting laundry away etc. H came up to do I don't know what and as I was on my way down the stairs called from the bedroom saying "hey, come in here" I just kept walking but then returned...he gave me a real kiss but then the kids started making a ruccuss so I turned and walked back down stairs..h then put on his boots and spent the next 4 hours mowing the lawn (and later admitted that was a screw you I'll just go cut the lawn type of thing) he didn't get back into the house until I was already giving dd a bath.
OK...so he was mad still...were you? and then it sounds like a lot (a lot!) of catching up with lots of people...no surprising but doesn't give a lot of catch up time with just h, I suppose.
Quote: h was aparently expecting an appology from me for mothers day and refuses to see how he may need to offer up apologies himself for making such a fuss and ruining the short mothers day I had with the kids.
OK...do you feel as though you need to apologize? If so, did you? I kind of got the sense form the above that you might be holding out for an apology from him first ... true?
Quote: h shouldn't have come home as he hasn't bothered to change anything (other than getting rid of ow) and aparently expects me to do all the changing.
Well..there HAVE been periods of pretty positive changes, no? The question (IMHO) is what happens to make those changes not sustainable...
Quote: The things h said last night simply verify the way I feel...h talks about me not respecting him? what a crock of bs. He is living in the wrong era...or perhaps with someone of the wrong ethnicity..I am not his mother or his grandmother and I do not believe all that a h need do is provide monitarily and a womans job is to cook and clean and make life comfortable for him.
OK...list for me some ACTIONS that you think h means when he says "respect".
IOW...be really honest...what would h expect to be different in your actions?
Quote: honestly if he were to leave tommorow I'd probably breathe a sigh of relief. I'd ache for my children but not for myself...I've tried for so damn long that I'm dying inside.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: yes, I then did say a few things I shouldn't have but wtf?
You mean you said them to h? or to someone else? We may come back to this later said to h and trust me it was nothing severe.
Quote: when I called home from the ship h was distant and sounded like he was talking to a stranger. When he picked me up at mothers house yesterday he greeted mom with a kiss, moms bf with a kiss and then me with a distant kiss less friendly than that he just given my mother. We returned home I handed out the gifts I had purchased for the kids, h, mil, grand mil and fil...h then sat at the puter for a long while...mil and grand mil decided it time to leave so I set out about straightening up the house, putting laundry away etc. H came up to do I don't know what and as I was on my way down the stairs called from the bedroom saying "hey, come in here" I just kept walking but then returned...he gave me a real kiss but then the kids started making a ruccuss so I turned and walked back down stairs..h then put on his boots and spent the next 4 hours mowing the lawn (and later admitted that was a screw you I'll just go cut the lawn type of thing) he didn't get back into the house until I was already giving dd a bath.
OK...so he was mad still...were you? if I was mad I wouldn't have bothered to call him and then it sounds like a lot (a lot!) of catching up with lots of people...no surprising but doesn't give a lot of catch up time with just h, I suppose. nobody to catch up with but h and the kids.
Quote: h was aparently expecting an appology from me for mothers day and refuses to see how he may need to offer up apologies himself for making such a fuss and ruining the short mothers day I had with the kids.
OK...do you feel as though you need to apologize? no If so, did you? no and I don't plan on it. I kind of got the sense form the above that you might be holding out for an apology from him first ... true? I'm not looking for an apology, I'm looking to be treated as a wife not as a "wife"
Quote: h shouldn't have come home as he hasn't bothered to change anything (other than getting rid of ow) and aparently expects me to do all the changing.
Well..there HAVE been periods of pretty positive changes, no? a day or two here and there The question (IMHO) is what happens to make those changes not sustainable... damned if I know...seems to me it's him and I'm tired of trying to figure it all out.
Quote: The things h said last night simply verify the way I feel...h talks about me not respecting him? what a crock of bs. He is living in the wrong era...or perhaps with someone of the wrong ethnicity..I am not his mother or his grandmother and I do not believe all that a h need do is provide monitarily and a womans job is to cook and clean and make life comfortable for him.
OK...list for me some ACTIONS that you think h means when he says "respect". keep the house clean. don't ask for more from him. be happy with the fact that he provides for his family. keep my mouth shut etc.
IOW...be really honest...what would h expect to be different in your actions? to be a happy dumb little drone who goes about her business and is just thrilled to death with the fact that she can live in a nice house and take a vacation here and there and is just fine and dandy with not having an intimate (emotional or physical or heck even friend) relationship with her h.
Quote: honestly if he were to leave tommorow I'd probably breathe a sigh of relief. I'd ache for my children but not for myself...I've tried for so damn long that I'm dying inside.
the fact is, I really don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of just trying to be happy with him and knowing that I'm not. I'm tired of trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I'm ok with him just working all the time and being a good h by being a good financial provider. I'm tired of making exuses for him and taking the blame for every little thing that goes wrong. I'm not the one who walked out on this m, I not the one who later admitted to not having been a true participant in the m to begin with, I'm not the one who had an a, I'm not the one who takes such a laze' fair attitude toward marriage..but I'm no longer the one who wants to be here.
I'm tired and honestly don't want to try anymore. If I could just pack my bags and dissapear I would! truth is I think h feels the same way. So what then? what do you do when both sides of the relationship just don't have anything left to give it anymore? end up one of those misserable couples that live as roomates just for the benifit of the kids? that's not what I want to be but I also don't want to hurt my kids.
"I feel like a damn waw only I don't have the balls to really be one."
Geez LL,
I hope not!!!!
Your argument with your H sounds pretty normal, and nothing different than any of us have heard, including I'm sure, Michelle! You said you think your H expects you to do all the changing, isn't that the basis of DB'ing? I think there's even a chapter titled "Why should I be the one to change"
You've seen all the pain and suffering of all of us going through the D process, and your H is right in that sense, you do have a lot to lose. Please hang in there LL, getting D'd is no fun. Most H's don't live up to their W's expectations, I know I didn't. But sometimes they think you are expecting too much.
Don't pay any attention to the mean things he says or does, like being glad you were gone, or walking away mowing the lawn when he didn't get all your attention, that's just the way men deal with it, by saying and doing bad things. Can't you see your M is classic textbook???????
Quote: Can't you see your M is classic textbook???????
sure my m is a classic example of how crappy it can be. As far as having anything to loose in getting d'd? I'd lose my family, my home and that's about it.
Please, for yourself and your M, please get Dr. Laura's book--Care and Feeding of Husbands.
Men are just DIFFERENT. Men are from Mars explains it, too, but there is a unique quality in Dr. Laura's book.
Basically, do you really think this would be different with some other guy? What about YOUR role in all of this! YES! YOU HAVE A ROLE IN ALL OF THIS!!
I was almost a WAW myself until I got this book. Now I'm desparately trying to save my M. My H is NOT the oger I thought. I played HUGE role in our unhappiness. I realize that now.
Dr Laura's book is not for me. I'm well aware of what a man needs and I'm glad to offer.
I cook (real food unlike most women today) I clean (also unlike most women today) I do ALL the laundry (unlike most women today) I thank my h for providing for us (unlike most women today) I offer to please my h (unlike most women today) and he turns me down (unlike most men today) I compliment him on a regular basis, tell him to relax...
Do I really think it would be different with some other guy? of course there would be other negatives but perhaps another guy would be a person instead of the paycheck h seems to want to be.
Quote: it seems that because h is the one that makes the money the house is HIS, the money is HIS...after all he sent me on the vaca didn't he? gee I thought it was my money too?
Lost Love
I heard the very same things from my H. I should have heard the alarm bells clanging loudly when in the year before the bomb my H questioned me having a second chocolate in a cafe by making the money gesture of rubbing his fingers together in my face. This from the man who only ever buys the best for himself.
Funny how not so long ago a man did everything to keep his wife from working and basically having a life outside the home, and 'competing' with him. Now we have the scenario of men wanting their wives to work so as to lessen the pressure on themselves for being the breadwinner, but without the corresponding evening out of childcare and household duties.
In my case, this year apart has brought into focus a little the different ways that we handle money, even if we don't earn it equally easily. H can observe, should he wish to, how much he is responsible for our money situation, and how much was down to me 'doing nothing'.
I too am one of those who cooks real food, thinks it is important to sit down together for meals, likes to spend time with my own child rather than farm out to "childcare", and I believe that the living example we set our daughter is far more important than all the dicipline or instruction in the world.
Lost love, I know you are tired, and I don't know the logistics of your situation, but is there a possibility you could work part time? It might get you away from thinking and living and breathing the home environment 24/7, and it may feel to your H that the pressure is off him? Are there really money issues, or is it just a power trip for your H?
Just throwing out a thought.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
