HIgh Levels of Acceptance

[sage]

Fer cryin' out loud...here's my cainercast for the day:

Is it 'normal' to worry? Is it normal to feel fretful, anxious, edgy and apprehensive? Up to a point, yes indeed. It is also normal to mask that mood by cracking jokes, organising projects or creating great dramatic diversions. What's sadly less usual (though it really need not be) is the ability to stay calm and centred within yourself; to be aware of what's wrong and aware too of what's right. To have a sense of perspective and also a sense of comfort. You can accomplish all this now if you really wish. It's just a question of standing back from something that it is all too easy to get sucked into.


Sage

[lostlove]

Love him. Appreciate him. Value him. Value our m. Stop turning over the rocks looking for bugs. Heck....sit ON the rock! It's cozy and comfortable there!

What a doofus.

A doofus you are not!! a real doofus wouldn't have had the "aha" moment.

LL

[Acorn]

Hmmmm... This made me think of my berries post, lol. Maybe you read it? Hee hee.

Berries Post

While the berries post is about me and my relationship to my mistakes , it is also about our relationship to the mistakes other people make. They are doing the best they can... They are not doing stuff TO us, their mistakes aren't about US, if that makes any sense...

Anywho, in light of cheesy (hee hee) berries philosophy, maybe it was about you letting go of stuff with your mother that isn't ABOUT you, that you don't need to personalize or judge... Being able to forgive your mom for her infidelity is part of being able to forgive H too, ya know? You've done enough chastising yourself and others for going for the wrong berries. You tried a few bad berries (cuts of beef), they didn't work for you, you regret having served them to others, but hey, you took 'em off the menu. Time for some new berries, but that's life ... a bowl of cherries

Just a wacky thought from a nut job

Oh, and I'm doing great, thanks for asking Be grateful you don't have to do the dating thing though, dating is *confusing*, not meant for adults, wonderful, crazy, and more, lol... I still got my own world under my feet though, so i feel safe taking emotional risks. Funny how detachment, or what they seem to be calling differentiation in PM terms, is so central to real intimacy. I still sooo get that, and keep getting reminded of it.... When I can't tell what I want because I don't know how the other person will react, RED FLAG!!! I am making their stuff about me, and trying to make my stuff about them.... Where's the space for us to really connect as individuals? So, DBing has served me well... Yeah, there is bound to be some pain, but without pain, no joy, and all that good stuff. I'm a brave girl these days cause I trust myself to be happy, and that lets me be truly vulnerable. What I thought was vulnerability before was emotional neediness, the real thing is much scarier and safer at the same time. Who'd a thunk it? Rambling now, lol. You take care, you sage sage

Cheers,
Acorn

[Livnlearn]

Sage

Just saw your wise post over at LL's place. Do you think you could give me an idea or two on my thread too?

Livnlearn

[minnie1]

Hey Sage!

Just stopping by to say hello. I know you're at the (almost) final days of school and that life is hectic.

I hope you're taking some time out to breathe and enjoy your wonderful M.

Take care,
Minnie

[sage]

Hey all,

Been doing quick reads over the last few days...not much time to post. I'm hoping that this weekend will FINALLY bring some "time crunch" relief!

Things have been going great. This past weekend was full of stuff...a bit of homework, some baseball with h (they won!), dinner with Dad on Sunday night (depressing! Dad and his family are about to leave for a vacation in Italy and I've never seen three more down people -- they're all angry and confused at each other -- mostly because of my father's anger and depression. Ugh).

Monday I couldn't drag myself into work (see note above about dinner with dad!) so I stayed home and did homework. Got a big presentation tonight at school and another on Friday.

h continues to be amazingly thoughtful, delightful, generous. it's the little AND the big things -- bringing home slices since he was getting some for himself, running some errands for me yesterday, etc. Then yesterday he presentated me with a "certificate of amazing achievement" he had made for me -- noting the 10th anniversary of my quitting smoking. What a kickass guy I have!

Sage

[Lyrael]

Sage-
Just a question for you - in your earlier days of rebuilding with your H, did you ever have trouble with huge blasts of fear about IT happening again, that just left you parlyzed with terror?

I am not trying to bring you back to those days, just trying to see if this is a normal part of healing from infidelity.
Thanks for any input, and I am so glad to read how well your sitch is going.
Myrrh

[sage]

Sage-
Just a question for you - in your earlier days of rebuilding with your H, did you ever have trouble with huge blasts of fear about IT happening again, that just left you parlyzed with terror?

Earlier days? Heck, it still happens NOW. It's nowhere near as frequent (thank goodness) but it is still occasionally present....I just do what you are starting to do...noticing how you are feeling, trying not to react to it adversely etc.

So, yah, it's normal. It's expected. It's been compared here to PTSD...that sometimes the feelings and emotions and fears just take over your body and mind and leave you as you described...

What helps? Some of the things we've talked about on your thread (meditation, keeping up PMA, exercise, good eating, etc)...reminding myself that I can take care of myself if necessary, made it thru the pain, etc.

If it helps at all...I'm amazed at how "far" I've come in terms of panic, fear, feelings, etc. There were days when I didn't think I'd ever feel ok again.

Oh...on your thread you posted "things not to do..." can I add a "thing TO do"???

It's exactly what you did...you noted your fear and as soon as you were able you were able to stop reacting to it...not saying it makes it go AWAY but you were able to name it and ride with it. Very good stuff.

Sage

[Lyrael]

Sage-
Thank you so much - knowing that I am not alone in what I am feeling helps immensely. I am more vulnerable to the fears when I am upset about other things, and I can kind of step back from myself right now and observe "I am agitated." I think I need to have something to eat, go outside and sit for awhile in the sunshine, and just breathe a little.

I imed my H, but didn't let myself get out of control, and I really think I can get through this episode. The hard thing is not to see my feelings as a sign that "something is happening" - you know emotional reasoning - if I feel it, it must be true.

I realize this will get easier as I go along - it stinks when it hits me in the midst of a very peaceful time, though. Sage, one of the things that most helped about you posting back to me is that I can give myself permission to just feel this way for now, without judging myself for it, but also without reacting to it any more than I have. I tend to beat myself up for my feelings sometime, and your posting that you have experienced similiar feelings is helping me not do that.

Myrrh

[sage]

Met an old friend last night -- his name is FEAR -- not sure what was the prompt (being at school without an email from h when he got home? the conversation on my thread about it? the stress of a presentation at school?) but by the time I got home last night I was feeling scared as hell inside and walled off outside. I walked in the door bristly and unhappy and terrified -- that the lack of h's communication with me while I was at school meant "something" -- etc.

I handled the whole thing poorly -- I suck at "as if" when I'm afraid or revisiting old hurts. I was closed off, tightly smiling. H asked me what was wrong and I told him I was tired, had a long week...

finally went to bed but tossed and turned and wept for quite a while. finally went and slept on the couch.

h asked again what was up and I couldn't say "I'm afraid and sad. I'd like some reassurance from you." because that has gone over like a lead balloon too many times.

and because I didn't think that he'd GET that I wasn't crying because I thought anything was going on...but that my tears were about the overlay -- the feeling of feeling tired of feeling this way -- even occasionally.

I want a m. where going to class and making a presentation means coming home beaming and filled with stories to tell -- not slinking into the house afraid.

I know I'm the only one that can get me there.

I don't feel up to the task this AM.

So, I'm confused and I know I confused the hell out of h by not being able to tell him what was up.

Back to self-soothing and trying to push my way through.

Sage