What you said all makes perfect sense to ME. It's like a doctor telling his patient you have to do x, y and z to get better and you cannot skip x, y or z. In order for the operation to be a success or for you to have any chance of survival we must do x, y and z.
OW needs professional help, my H is a long way from being a substitute. My H is bandaid as OW is a bandaid to my H...it's covering up both of their problems right now and eventually that bandaid won't cover up anything.
Quote: He may not understand what you are talking about at first, but you have planted the seed and the Lord can do the rest from there. You do not have to do this for the Lord, but you can and should plant the seed. It is kind of like what you are going through. No one has to give you the answer, but if they can direct you or plant a seed, the Lord can go from there. You have a direction.
I was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed by some of this, but planting a seed is something I can handle.
Quote: I may not always get what they are saying at first and sometimes I may even get upset with what they have said, but it gives me information to think about. He can start opening it up for me a piece at a time until it all comes together. There is such relief after that happens. The Lord has given you much knowledge and now is your time to share it with your husband.
This is what I feel I am up to doing for my H at this point, sharing my knowledge with him, baby steps. I don't want H to think I'm forcing him to come to or find what I found, but that he needs to do what works best for H. I can share with him what I know and H can either take it or leave it.
Also, isn't part of what H is going through MLC, doesn't he have to crash at some point..on his own? I think he's headed there right now. OW seems to be putting on the pressure, but H is opening up again about OW to me, there are little new changes I've seen in H even since this past weekend.
Something rather strange happend last night. H came in to the bathroom and says to me "I can't beleive it you're reading the bible now?" I looked at him like WHAT THE and said you told me last you were reading it I said to H that I had never read it before and asked H if he had and he said not all of it, different parts though and as H was walking away I said "there's lots of good stuff in there." The way it was said by H, the way I interpeted it was that H was trying to bring it to my attention. I mean he KNEW it was there, He even said he had read it and then last night he acted like it was the first time he saw it there...can't quite figure it out.
Thank you Laurie for being here for me, you are my angel and I really don't know where I'd be without you, you are so perseptive and in tune with me and my sitch. I'm no longer focused on the circumstances as there are always going to be circumstances in my life. I can't get caught up in all the drama, the emotions, the feelings as they are transcient.
Quote: Lately he has chosen to participate more often than not. I think your H does too, although usually at the last minute after some hemming and hawing.
For the most part I've been making my own plans, I always have things to do, places to go.
This weekend:
Graduation party Saturday afternoon for H's nephew with my sons Scrapbook project for my niece who is graduating in a few weeks at my friend L's house Friday night or Sunday night depending on the weather get together with gf's at my house...fake fire pit buy flowers/plant flowers mom's birthday--trying to talk Sis into having a get together at her house visit my friend P while I'm in H's hometown for his nephew's graduation party S4 wants to miniature golf again.. shopping Maybe just sit and read enjoy my wonderful life
I love my life, it H wants to participate that's up to him, I'm not going to live MY life around H's plans.
My H's first response to any invitation is "I'm not going" but in the end usually shows up..so this is nothing new and if he doesn't go fine with me. I really don't have a problem just going and if people ask I tell them. H's family knows how H is and doesn't usually even ask.
Hi Deb, I see everything, too bad our H's are soo blind at this point.
Quote: Pay no attention to your H's whinning; MLC! I think your H knows exactly what he may be loosing. He is now going through the fight of what he really wants. That is why right now it is very important for you to listen, don't tell him what choice to make. He will have to make this choice on his own. I think he wants you to make the choices for him, don't you dare! Just go on about your business. Please go back and read the stages in MLC! I think he is at the one where it says, it is very important to give him space. Can't remember which one it is!
Love the "just go about your business" as that is what I've been doing with a megadose of detachment that has recently been added..I mean TOTAL detachment where nothing he does now makes me react, gets me anxious, gets me nervous, think "oh no he's going to leave" because if that's what he wants to do I won't beg and plead. The Lord has made me a person of Him and His desires.
Your h will not crash until he's pretty much done with replay and he hits the real bad depression and withdrawal. He is still very much in the beginning stages of replay, what with his taunting you with talk of you divorcing him and him staying at ow's at times.
Please really read Deb's quote. This is really, really the time when he needs space and to make ALL choices on his own. Too much pressure, especially relationship talks, will send him to the ow and I know you don't want that. I'm also going to disagree with what vinlad has said at this time regarding telling him you love him unconditionally and God's love, etc. If you read in the book Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway, a minister himself, he clearly states that many men during mlc turn their backs on God. IT's unfortunate, but true. There will come a time when you can discuss your faith and what God is doing in your life, but it's too soon to share.
That is exactly what I meant. Slowly sharing with him as he is asking. Planting the seed about the Lord in order that he can start asking questions and start searching.
Taking it one step at a time leading him because he isn't ready for everything to be explained to him and he does have to find his own answers, but if he is going to ask questions, answer his questions with what the Lord tells you. You already have been spoken to several different times by the Lord.
So he will lead you as to how your conversation will go. Right now his concentration does have to be on him and how to fix himself and you can't give him those answers, but you can give him things to think about as he is searching. Just like when you come to the board and people will give you suggestions or they will ask you questions that will get your mind thinking.
You want to keep the pressure off, but you also want to help him find the answers that he is looking for without giving him the answers. Letting him find them on his own if you know what I mean.
It is a hard thing to get through. Figuring out when to speak and when not to speak. What to say and what not to say, but the Lord will give you all of that as the time is needed. He will let you know when you can talk about certain things and when you can't. Just like he told you that one night not to say anything about a remark that he had made. He has done that to me several times. There were times when I thought I had the right to say something about something that had happened and the Lord said not now he isn't ready.
Like Sting suggested, do not dump on him and do not talk about the R. The most important thing for your h to work on is him and sometimes the best way to help him is to share the salvation when he asks you questions.
It is so hard to explain what I'm trying to say. It sounds like I'm trying to tell you to make decisions for him and to talk all this relationship talk and I'm not. I don't even know how to put into words what it is. I wish I could explain it, but I can't.
It is not coming out right at all. Yes, Sting is right that people do blame God and they get all in a fuss about things, but that is not what I'm seeing and that is not what I'm trying to explain to you. I'm not trying to tell you to give him the answer and I'm not trying to tell you to push things on him because I don't want you pushing him into the arms of someone else or anything like that.
I guess, my best suggestion for you is to take this to the Lord and have him tell you exactly what it is you need to do or say at certain times when your husband is searching for answers. Ask him to give you what it is that he wants you to say at that moment if anything.
This is not coming across the way that I'm meaning it to come across. Maybe using the example I used was the wrong one to use, but I can't seem to get this one across in the right manner.
Let's see if I can get it across with this example. Lets say you are going through something that you need to find the answers to. You don't want a bunch of pressure on you and you don't want someone telling you what you should or shouldn't be doing, but you want some sort of direction. You are reading information about it, you are looking at yourself, you are looking at others, but you just can't seem to put your finger on it.
So you go and talk to someone. You don't want to have them preaching at you, but just like Betsey does, she asks certain questions that will get your mind going a little deeper. They are not pressure questions, they are not relationship questions, but they are thought provoking questions. They are ones that make you think about different avenues that you could take instead of the one that you are on.
I understand about all this non relationship talk and not putting the pressure on them and all this other stuff. I get all that, but sometimes they do come to you needing some kind of guidance without you wanting something from them in return.
I know in my head what I'm trying to say, but it is not coming out the way that I'm thinking it. I do see your husband looking for answers and in certain ways asking you for guidance, but like Sting and them have said, you can not make the choices for him and you can not just out right give him the answer.
But you also can not blow him off at certain times because that can do the same damage. Just like someone who is on drugs, they need to be the one that makes the choice to fix themselves, but they also need people there who love them enough to show them that love and to help guide them with words of encouragement. They do not make the choices for the drug addicts or anything like that, but they do let them know that they are cared about and that someone is in their corner without pressuring them.
This is kind of how I see your husband. He is making statements and doing things that are crying out for someone to show they care without controlling him. Without making the decisions for him and without putting pressure on him. He is putting enough pressure on himself. So I hope this made a little more sense and if it didn't, I'm sorry to have confused you more.
This took me a long time to learn myself and I still can't explain it right, but I know what I mean. So please do not interpret this as I'm telling you to talk to him about your relationship or pressure him about the Lord.
I said to H that I had never read it before and asked H if he had and he said not all of it, different parts though and as H was walking away I said "there's lots of good stuff in there." The way it was said by H, the way I interpeted it was that H was trying to bring it to my attention. I mean he KNEW it was there, He even said he had read it and then last night he acted like it was the first time he saw it there...can't quite figure it out.
Graduation party Saturday afternoon for H's nephew with my sons