Hello everyone...the last time that I visited this site was probably in 2001. My story actually began in 2000, when my husband of 6 years left me and our two sons due to depression. I have been on a huge roller coaster ride and believe it or not I am still hanging on. In the interim we have both had other relationships...mine(very serious) and his, a series of dates with other women. We have been in counselling both separately and together and now find ourselves rejoining again in the same house. We have tried this move many times before and I was either conflicted about my other relationship or our timing always seemed to be off. We never did make peace with a divorce or staying together. We made it as far as going to a papralegal and getting the papers done and signed. Now, we find oursleves together again and very scared and cautious. It will be our tenth anniversary soon and we are both hopeful for a happy ending this time. We want to give our two sons a happy life and are so desperately afraid of failing again. I need help because I can't always cry and show my fears to him. Trying to be upbeat and positive in front of him seems to work best for now. Am reading...focusing on me and my mental growth...trying to make positive changes and I just need some more support please and thank you......
What makes you guys fall apart? What brings you back together? The 1st time he left was it because of other woman? Did you have another man when he left? What is the longest you guys have stayed apart? Can I have some more backround? I am Nitaf, my thread is Boundaries in Piecing.
Hi nitaf! Thanks for reading. The first time my husband left was because he was in a deep depression and felt like he couldn't do anything right in our marriage. we also had a new baby and another child as well. he was also feeling let down by his job and was drinking very heavily. his father also died uring this time and they had a very rocky realtionship. very strained and uncomfortable. his father died with out my husband ever knowing if he was loved. We have lived apart with the exception of three months last year, for the majority of the separation since October 2000. Neither one of us had other people in our lives until a year and a half into the sep. when we thought we were def. getting a divorce. I fell deeply in love with another man when my husband told me to move on and I was told there was no future. We have had to be around each other quite a bit during the whole separation due to our comittment to our children and that has also kept us coming back for more and more. Our biggest problem is that we are a very hard match...he has an extremely difficult time expressing himself and I am a very emotional person. We are alswys tip toeing around each other and are ill at ease. it is so hard but yet we perservere. There is so much hurt to overcome. I will check out your story.
Lisann ... Welcome to "Piecing" ... and wow, it's been a looong and hard road for you, but your return to the bb in "Piecing" is already encouraging to hear. Your timing is impeccable in regards to my current frame of mind as I have been becoming more and more doubtful as to whether a depressed WA could still be willing to regain a good M after such an expanse of time.
Quote: Our biggest problem is that we are a very hard match...he has an extremely difficult time expressing himself and I am a very emotional person. We are alswys tip toeing around each other and are ill at ease. it is so hard but yet we perservere. There is so much hurt to overcome.
Sounds like some goals could be set around feeling more comfortable being around each other. A lot of it will involve acting "as-if" you are comfortable, confident and secure around him at first before you actually feel that way, but with continuing positive results it will become second nature to feel that way around each other.
Quote: Lisann ... Welcome to "Piecing" ... and wow, it's been a looong and hard road for you, but your return to the bb in "Piecing" is already encouraging to hear. Your timing is impeccable in regards to my current frame of mind as I have been becoming more and more doubtful as to whether a depressed WA could still be willing to regain a good M after such an expanse of time.
I second that KAW! As I have been separated over 15 months.
I want to welcome you to piecing. I'm not piecing at the moment but I'm still DBing.
I agree that you need to work on the communication between the two of you. You need to both be able to feel comfortable around each other. You can't move forward in your R if you are both walking on eggshells.
Good Luck, both of you! And thanks for posting as it gives some of us with no hope; some hope, even though small.
Hi KAW. Yes...please let me be that little voice of hope for you. My situation is one of the longest separations I have ever heard of and to STILL be working on things...amazing! We were at divorce's door a million times and the paralegal who finished our paperwork, watched us sign and then looked at us point blank and said "you two will never use these". Boy did that throw us into another tailspin. That was three months ago and now we are moving back in together. counseling visits are hard work but we go and talk through things. I do have to act "as if" a lot or I fall back on my old patterns. I worry so much about his moods and I have to let him "own" them and not worry so much about his issues. I still am working on me and will keep doing so...there is hope...I promise! Later!
Congratulations to you and your h for reconciling. Is your h still suffering from depression or has he worked through it for the most part now? IMHO, whatever you have been doing in recent months you should continue to do because that is what has brought you this far. I can understand your worrying about his moods, but as you said, they're his moods, etc. and he needs to work through them. Instead, if you feel the need to express your own anxieties and fears over the situation, come here and vent to the board because the people here may see some things going on that maybe you can't see because you're too close to your situation, if you know what I mean.
This is such good news and I wish you so much happiness!
Thanks Sting! Yes, for the most part he has worked through his depression through therapy, couples retreats and being on his own for so long. he has had a long time to sort out his priorities and unfortunately me being involved with another man for a period of time really shook him up. I have had to come to terms with feeling like he only wanted me when someone else did...but we have dealt with that through a series of painful counseling visits. I backslide when I ask him if he loves me and if is he home for the right reasons. have to conquer that by reading co-dependent no more and continuing to focus on my growth. What is your situation?
