I haven't posted in awhile, so I wanted to check in on you. It sounds as if W is trying to bully you. It will be harder for her to keep it up if you remain calm and cool. Remember how we used to talk about neutralizing the negativity with positive energy?
You are absolutely right about the kids staying in the house and you two alternating as being in their best interest. They need as much stability as possible during this time of turmoil. Unfortunately, the alien mind may not agree. Would she be open to reading materials on the subject or would this just precipitate a another crisis?
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
This is likely to be my only post today. As always, I appreciate all the feedback.
I don't know if W's attitude is bullying as much as a complete inability to see any hope in our R and the desire to move on. DB Coach Laurie thinks that separation may be the only hope I have of saving the R because it may be the only thing that enables W to escape her negative focus on me. But the financial consequences of a separation are so extraordinary I have a hard time swallowing it--although W would pay any price to get out of the current sitch.
On top of this, W can't understand why I'm distrustful of what she could do if I move out and is certainly unable to see how the few minutes I spend with my kids each day means so much to me. It's hard enough to balance individual R's with each child when we're under the same roof--I just can't comprehend managing the competition for attention if we're apart. Any thoughts from others would be appreciated.
Perhaps another approach I could suggest is not a split arrangment, but one where I sleep elsewhere after the kids are asleep. In other words, I retain full access to my home, but just don't stay there at nights.
On the plus/minus side, W did try to reach out a bit more yesterday, but we fell back into our endless tunnel of why we are here as opposed to finding mutual ground on how we get out--and we each made some negative comments about each other (unknowingly) within earshot of D9.
What else? Tomorrow is our anniversary, and my inclination is to avoid any mention of the subject all day. Indeed, I'm going to a ballgame with my father so we can avoid the face-to-face painful reminder. At the same time, I'm also wondering if a simple blank card acknowledging the day and professing what will be mutual sadness, but hope for our ability to work together on an amiable solution is worthwhile.
Oh well. Time to budget for a lawyer and Laurie. Be good, y'all
I'm glad that you are still talking to Db coach Laurie. I feel that my sessions were well worth the money.
Regarding the anniversary...I wouldn't totally ignore it, but be creative. I read somewhere that a blank card with a big red excalmation point could be very mysterious. Or how about a small gesture like a CD or something that connects to whatever she enjoys along with the card? I'm sure that others can lend some good suggestions here too.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Merrick....I would not do anything for the anniversary, even a card...... I tried it w/my H and he was very nervous about the day-more than me.......but he didn't get me anything and followed up w/fact that he had tried (he's a last minute type). Anyway, I gave him something small and didn't get much in response to it.
I think in some ways it adds to the guilt and pain that they are already under and your W probably wouldn't accept it. On the other hand....she may bring it up to you later on about "how much you love her" and didn't even acknowledge it.......so could be a tough call for you.
Quote: I just can't comprehend managing the competition for attention if we're apart. Any thoughts from others would be appreciated.
For me it's like a disconnection. Unfortunately, it's something that you have to adjust to when this gets done and you know/hope that your S is taking care of them and not damaging anything you have done with them. But I'm sure some of your buds here...TripleJ and RR, could tell you more about it. But from the way it sounds...their kids can't get enough of them so that's a BIG plus. I think you would be in the same sit Merrick.
I gotta say that being the one who stayed, it is really hard for me to keep up w/housework, work, homework, etc... and then have dear old dad come over and take them out to have some "play time". I hate it. I was able to have some good bonding play time w/them this weekend coz I had an extra day and was able to let things go until H took them one day and got things done but currently it does not allow me that much time to be w/them. Luckily, my kids respect me and know that I am working hard all the time. They know the drill and can appreciate the time I do share w/them w/out the interruptions etc... It sucks for me coz I want to spend more time but there doesn't seem to be enough of me to go around. Also, there aren't enough hours in the day but I will say that sleep has become non-existent in most cases and the few hours I do get seem to keep me going. Saturday is usually my recharge day.
I think that your time w/them would be full of love and joy and fun and they would respect you for all of that coz Mom is more of a (well you know).... And you will talk w/kids like these guys do and be upfront.
It is hard to be apart from them but you can always call and talk to them. Make sure you put that in your contract so that you can talk to them each day you are not w/them so it will still keep you connected. Tootles....................
Merrick, Just wanted to stop in and say I'm still with you Brother. I'm sure it is time for the next step, but before you take it, are you still on the path of all your previous steps? When I took the time to review my 180s and doing something differents, and acting as-ifs, I realized that I had strayed way off course - so the "next step" really wouldn't be a next step, it would be a jump into the destination without walking all the way down the path.
Walking down the DB path is difficult, troublesome and easy to get pushed off of. We still have a happy destination in mind, but W has a different destination in her mind.
The trick isn't how to get W onto your path, it's how to get her to even recognize her path can lead to your destination - a happy M. I think S throws both of you off your paths and gives you a chance to re-evaluate where you are going. It takes W off her path because her path is not based in reality. Make sure she has an opportunity to see the destination you desire before you S.
She will not appreciate it, but she will see it. And if she sees it consistently, it will make a difference. It might even make a difference before you have to physically S. I do think you are better off deciding how you want to implement a S as part of your DBing, and implement it, rather than play her game and try and get her buy in or ownership of a S plan. Trying to get her participation only plays into her game - takes steps along her path, and provides some certification of reality to her alien world.
My talk with Laurie has to be about goals--and whether my goal is 1) to save my M, 2) do what is best for the kids (putting aside MY thinking that 1 satisfies this objective; or 3) simply maintaining my presence and current R with the kids in the hone, regardless of the state of our M.
Of course, since I care more about sports than my W, I went to see the Yankees on our anniversary last night with my dad. I did acknowledge the day with her in the morning--but this led to a barrage of what was wrong with the M (karen--you were right). I also saw on our home phone that she was calling OM last night--which leads back to separation.
I have 18,000 reasons for staying and not leaving, but me leaving while an EA is on doesn't seem like a worthwhile endeavor. Is that reasonable or just anger? Moreover, this morning I told her that I wanted to take S9 to a game on a night she plans (I was offered great seats) and my folks could babysit. She then bit my head off (in front of S9) saying there was no R between her and them and I never should have asked them.
Ahh-as I type she just called to say that she was crying this morning after I left--and before the kids tell me-she wanted to explain that she felt bad about what happened and thought I was turning her into the bad guy with my parents. Is this the rest of my life???
Wow Merrick she actually cryed??? Maybe the aliens didnt completly take her away. Let her go off and keep on being the good H. Sorry I missed your A. I could have told you that was going to happen. My last A, I got my W 24 beautiful red roses and a nice letter telling her of my love for her, I left thinking WTF and 24 roses shoved up my a--. I guess she didnt like the red roses, this year Im getting Pink ones.
Yes the Ed mister has made a return. Not sure what to do because even starting something new she has alot of time on her hands and most likely will be in that thread to.
As far as leaving Merrick, I like your idea of being there during the day but whats the difference if you were going to set up a bed in the basement or something. I remember those thoughts, its a terrible feeling what you are going thru. Damned if you do and damned if you dont. I always thought about staying in my camper but that would drive me nuts having those walls so close all the time. Your right in that if you go it may be better for your M but if you dont reconcile it will look worse for you getting 1/2 custody if things dont go for the good. If I might ask what are your feelings on custody? Ok if you are unsure or dont want to discuss here, just curious.
I know one thing... the only R I want after this is a good hunting dog. There always happy to see you, dont care if you fart and always want to go hunting. What more can a guy ask for? Take care my freind and KOFTGF, God Bless, Eddy
On custody, I raised the joint custody issue with her along your arrangement and she categoorically rejected the idea. And, my chances for anything more than every other weekend are slim, so I'm really hesitant to do anything on this front that would undermine my already tenuous position. In addition, W had three calls on our phone to OM today and hustled out sharply dressed as soon as I got home--so I'm surely not leaving my kids while she has any hint of an R with OM.
Right now, I'm trying to find a cheaper female attorney to pursue my options, but for now, I'll just focus on the kids and be kind to her and try to act like Christ. I backed off the kindness routine earlier because she felt it was pressure, but you know, that's her problem--not mine. My goal for now is not the R, but staying with the kids--and I refuse to be the source of anger and meanness in our home; I will act the way I want my kids to act. Heck, even pro-D people say that children feel more secure when both parents are present and not fighting. If I could just get hold of Woody Allen's Orgasmatron or the ant-little blue pill, I'd be fine. I'll have to ask Sister RCIA about that!
Well, my W has outsnooped me--although I guess it was a matter of time and there really is nothing I've aggressively hidden.
Specifically, W has seen my Yahoo Personal ad (which i thought I had hidden) and has seen my payments to Divorce Busting coaching). I wonder how long it will be before she reads my thread. Oh well.
Other than that--the past few days have been very quiet. I am getting more rooted in faith, which has truly strengthened my belief in doing the right thing, fighting the devil, and most importantly--trying to be compassionate to my W. I even had a two-sentence light conversation with her this morning without any edge between the two of us--which is a RARE occurrence these days.
On the theme of "signs," (no 666 today), I've taken a liking to a dynamic and highly intellectual priest on EWTN--Father Corapi--who joined the priesthood at the age of 44 after becoming a millionaire and then homeless. This morning, I checked his website and learned that he is from Hudson NY and went to the same colleg as my W. On top of that, at our Church this morning we had a visiting missionary who was also from Hudson, NY. How ironic is that!
Anyway, I'm off to W's parents for a typical Sunday get together with W's family. I promise to be good.
REMINDER: Please check in a the Just for Fun thread for our NY-Metro get together. We're about to nail down our final dates, but need input.
I guess she didnt like the red roses, this year Im getting Pink ones. 
or the ant-little blue pill, I'd be fine. I'll have to ask Sister RCIA about that!