A Glass of Myrrlo

[carrieg]

Hey Myrrh-
I'm a daily lurker on your thread, and in the last few days I've begun thinking I should drop you a line to say hi. Esp. after reading your last post, and one from a few days ago, I can't remember exactly when it was. I just want you to know how great I think you're doing and how much I appreciate that you just lay it all out there. You are totally honest and I appreciate that so much. So many times when I read your posts I think , wow, she just totally described something about myself that I can barely even admit to myself, and she's out there posting it to the world. That's so awesome and brave of you. I really admire that. So, no advice to give right now, just wanted you to know I learn a lot about myself from reading your thread. Often times I think we're leading parellel lives!!

Sleep well...
carrie.

[slowly]

(((((myrhh)))))
i have been in your spot for what seemed like forever, only it was 3 months. in my case, i know H was with OW. but it boils down to the same thing, lack of consideration for us. and i so agree with you, it is how WE handle it. i don't know many people who can take this sort of stuff daily from a loved one. detaching is just the pits. i admire you. i hope tomorrow will be a better day for all of us. big hug, slowly

[Lyrael]

Last night went okay - H got home around 3:30am, although I did call once around 1 or 2 am. I wasn't mad or mean, I just did it. 3:30 is usually the latest he stays out if I don't bug him, and it isn't even that he's out - he's always at the shop.

We snuggled, chatted for a bit, and then ML - and the ML was very weird. Not to get into TMI, but that is normally a completely fabulous thing for us. Last night I just felt "off." I think it might have been how late it was - it's just an unusual experience for us. I asked him if he was alright, and he said "you noticed that, too? It seemed like we were not on the same page there...but no worries, we got on the same page." It was just weird, and you know where my brain jumps immediately...is there an OW?

I don't really think there is, but again, I post these thoughts here so I don't throw them at H.
Okay, back to work for a sec...goals for tonight in a bit.
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Ohmigod-
H was working and away from his computer, and he came back from away, then put up a new away message. It said this:
"Hi, my name is H and I'm out pimping hos. Actually, I am sitting to Laura and Shelly bitch about wanting some food. Go figure..."

I, to be quite honest, flipped out and called him. AUGH! Okay, going to have to stay off AIM. I need counseling or medication or something, maybe all of the above. I wonder how much this will set us back. Why do I always think he is doing something shady?

I said I was going to my apt, and he was all "WHY?" I regained my composure after he flipped into "I don't care" mode, and said "Maybe I am just taking this all too seriously." He said "WAY too seriously"

Anyone care to lay bets on the man sleeping at his shop tonight? AUGH...and again, AUGH!

Damage control plan:
1) Do absolutely nothing having to do with H. I need a mental break so bad right now. I don't feel like talking to him right now. I really don't.
2) Gracefully accept any snide remarks in the next few days or pessimistic statements regarding our M/R. It really pisses him off when I get upset about stuff. Fair? Not really. Fact? Yes. This is the reality.
3) Just keep on - go get some things from the apt, and settle in for a night alone at the house. If I plan for it, it won't surprise me.
4) Try to calm the hell down and quit beating myself up.

FACE THE FEAR!!!
Myrrh

P.S. Every night is a chance for me to be different...will tonight be the night I can finally do it?

[ObiWan]

Myr, is it possible, just possible he's doing this crap to test you - to see if the little crazymaker is really gone? Like they say, it takes 3-4 weeks to break a habit - you seem to go aok for days, then let the little monster out.

whack whack 2x4

if you see something on IM you cant handle, come HERE and vent, ask, etc

dont give him ammo

[Lyrael]

OW, OW!!! Okay, okay, you're right, Bill. He didn't put up that away message today, but sometimes it really does seem like he's testing me.

I am, quite simply, terrified. Do I need to just stop this train of thought, or consider it? I would appreciate input here. What if my H really, really wants out of our relationship, and he is just terrified of taking that last step? What if the only thing keeping us in this situation is his current indecisiveness? What if our M is the "devil he knows" and miserable as it is, it is just hard for him to let go? What if he is trying really hard to love me and want me, but deep down in his heart of hearts, his feelings are gone?

Wow, I am really driving myself crazy here, but at least I am posting it and am not on the phone talking endlessly at H.
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Primal scream therapy)
Okay. I feel a little better. I am feeling a little crappy (AUGH, I have a trip to go on! No cold now!) so I am going to take some cough medicine and hit the hay early.
Hugs to all (and thanks again, Bill for the 2x4),
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

H has been IMing me all night with little, playful IM's. I am sooo tempted to say something that indirectly would make him indicate whether or not he would be at the house tonight, but I know that would be "more of the same" and very possibly make him feel controlled. So far I have been really upbeat, playful back, and haven't asked anything about later.

My gut tells me he won't be here tonight, but I am going to attempt to sleep through the night for once. I haven't in what seems like forever.

Bleagh,
Myrrh

[seattlehopeful]

Get your rest dear. You'll need it before your trip up to God's Country. I want to say thanks for helping me keep up my spirits. Take care.

[ObiWan]

H has been IMing me all night with little, playful IM's. I am sooo tempted to say something that indirectly would make him indicate whether or not he would be at the house tonight, but I know that would be "more of the same" and very possibly make him feel controlled. So far I have been really upbeat, playful back, and haven't asked anything about later.

My gut tells me he won't be here tonight, but I am going to attempt to sleep through the night for once. I haven't in what seems like forever.

Bleagh,
Myrrh

You do need your rest to be upbeat with DB. Next time, how about putting up some vague autoreply on your pc, turning off the sound, and going to bed? Something like "Gotta run out - back in a bit..."

[Lyrael]

Well, folks,
I did great last night. H continued to IM me as I was doing other things on the computer, and he said something towards the end like
"I think I'm coming home in a few."
I chose to say nothing to that.
"I'm so tired."

I said, "wow, me too" and promptly signed off, without a long, drawn-out goodbye, and went to bed. About a half hour later (around 11) here comes H in the door! I was floored, but said nothing. I spent a little while with him awake, then went to bed and stayed there. He was really sick during the night, and came to bed around 1.

It doesn't sound remarkable, but it kind of was. I was calm, I did my own thing, and I didn't freak out about anything! I got lots of rest and feel pretty good this morning. So I am well on my way to being rested for my trip this weekend.

I did okay last night - chalk one up for me.
Toodles,
Myrrh