I'll be darned, I actually got locked out of a thread !
I got my title from a discussion I was having with Pam. I don't know about anyone else but my H definitely did not come with any "Care and Feeding" Instructions.
Like Pam, I fear that I might too often regard H in the same way I regard my animals and treat him in much the same way That is NOT a good thing.
I consider my M "Busted" but have been floundering about horribly while trying to maintain that status. Again, no "Care and Feeding" instructions have been included so I have been winging it...not exactly a brilliant move on my part
Hopefully, in this thread I will be able to apply myself to both H and M and get those darn instructions figured out
I picked up DR again today and started smacking myself in the head. I lost sight of where I was and how I got there and forgot that sometimes things just AREN'T great 24/7. I ended up spiraling because a couple of bad days/weeks freaked me out and had me thinking I was pretty much BACK to where I was 6 mos ago.
I GOT STUCK on my baby-steps. When I say that I mean that I don't think I truly looked for anything beyond the very simple ones I looked for in the beginning. I fixated on those. I wanted H to smile at me and to LOOK at me. I put an EXTREME amount of importance on those...too much actually because I haven't gotten beyond them. When those things DON'T happen I feel like I am back to square one again and that my interaction with H and my M are once again "failing". The other positives that might occur in lieu of those two things have no significance to me...even when they are probably BETTER.
I have to change that obviously
I am hoping to use the guidance from DR to help me with this...chapters 5, 6 and 7. Now that I have seen the erroe of my ways perahps I can get it RIGHT
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
This is a great post, Zoo! I remember very well a time when I felt like I was on a big plateau or even regressing. when the Busting had occurred but I was replaying old bad stuff. Re-reading DR definitely helped, a kick in the butt from Calystra made a BIG difference, too! Also, reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" helped me see babysteps in a very different way.
Looking forward to the care and feeding instructions! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Zoo--Well this is the most positive thing I've seen all day! You figured out in a short period of time where you needed to be in the process to get back on track.
Gotta say, GO YOU!
You do lots of things right, Zoo. Just think about that one for a bit and you'll have the spotlight shining back on your path so you can find your way all the way home.
Hugs,
Bob's friend in Denver
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Since I misplacedsomewhere in ZOOLAND the "care and feeding" instructions that I had begun to make a list of, I decided to place some of them here. This will give me a tangible reference that I can be pointed to when I might start straying from the path again
I have to remeber that H and my M are like a plant/ that needs to be nurtured, fed, coaxed, rewarded and loved unconditionally. If you do not do these types of things for a plant it turns brown, the root mass turns into a glob and the plan withers and dies. If you do not do this with a pet, that pet will either learn some VERY BAD habits, act dumber then dirt or cower when you walk into the room. I value my H and M far more then my plants and animals and I'm actually mortified that I have neglected thier basic care.
Care and Feeding of Zoo's H/M
What NOT To Do 1. Revert back to Old Behaviours a. Interrogation/Questions: This has been harder for me to stop doing then I thought it would be. I do this well for awhile then my brain "farts' and I lapse right back into it. I KNOW H hates this and I know what the result will be when I do it too much. H "punishes" me. He becomes distant, uncommunicative and disinterested. When I REFRAIN from asking too many questions, or the SAME questions over and over again, H "rewards" me. He spends time with me, is talkative, affectionate and interested in my thoughts and feelings.
b. Frown too Much/ Become Pensive and withdrawn: see a above
When I smile and am animated and upbeat...THIS is when H smiles. This is when H is more likely to maintain eye-contact with me or to reach out and grab my hand and tell me ILY.
c. Not Address H's LL of Touch: I think when I don't do this H thinks I am in the process of an over-analyzing frenzy. This is something he knows I enjoy doing as much as he enjoys having me do it. If I am sitting on the couch and NOT reading a book NOR touching him then I MUST be "mulling" something over (which I have to admit is usually true ). He ANTICIPATES my either asking a question or going on about something he isn't in the mood to talk about. He retreats then...either into the TV or onto the computer and he usually has an unpleasant expression on his face. I do this ubconsciously for the most part, so when I phase back to reality I feel like H is INTENTIONALLY ignoring me or is upset/angry at me about something. This sends me right back into "mulling" mode to try to figure out what I did WRONG. It is a viscious cycle for the most part.
When I "feed" H's LL he feels loved. He relaxes and makes sounds of contentment. He is more likely to snuggle or hold my hand. He smiles. This is when he may compliment me or thank me for something that I have done. ML might occur. H may in turn "feed" my LL of touch (this and WOA are equal for me) by stroking me in turn or kissing on me.
d. Bring up OW in ANY context: For H this is a dead horse and no longer worthy of comment. He is adamant it is over and resents my bringing any mention of OW up...in essence my mentioning it implies I think he is still cheating on me. He gets angry and defensive. He has read this section of DR and knows that it is a process of time for me to totally set it aside but he feels I have had more than enough time (this is not an assumption, he has told me this).
I'm not sure how to address this other than to just NOT do it. I hadn't realized how often I truly was bringing it up until I went back and read my threads I can't blame H for feeling beat up about it now By my employing thought-stopping techniques I might control it better. This would probably relieve any pressure that H might feel I am keeping on him by this. Only time and practice can truly speak for that though...otherwise I am just guessing. I'm not exactly positive that he has actually dealt with any guilt he has regarding this whole mess...he does seem to think that a great deal of what I say is an implication of wrong doing even though I don't THINK that at all Perhaps because of that whole "old behaviour" thing?
THat is about all my poor old brain can dredge up right now.
If it confuses people that I refer to H/M jointly it is because for me they are pretty much entertwined. I plan on addressing my OWN "care and feeding instructions" as well because it is actually the TWO of us that make up the M...and yes, I have been neglecting ME lately.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Wonderful ideas. I see myself right there, too. May I suggest something? Ow is out of the picture, and you have a need for answers. Could you set aside a specific time once a week for say 15 minutes where your H knows you may ask questions, get answers and then that's it. 15 minutes once a week is the only time you can bring it up.
This will let you know you can ask questions, but you'll have to think about what you really need to know. H will know you are not going to bug him at any other time about this subject. You both may realize that the horse doesn't need to be beat.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
That is an excellent suggestion but I'm not sure H will go for it. His thinking may be that I bombarded him with every question known about the subject when he first told me about the A (8 mos ago). My questions then at first pushed him away and than he read the Infidelity chapter in DR and "allowed" for them. I can understand his reasoning about not wanting to hear them anymore...if I were in his position I might not want to keep clarifying things myself.
I don't ask about the A itself anymore though, he answered those questions for me as openly and honestly as I believe he was able to. The questions I ask are more along the lines of reassurance. He was fine with this for awhile but now the "dead horse" syndrome has risen. I believe I posted on my old thread that for him "all that crap is over with" and so it should be for me too. I should KNOW without having to be told.
I have even told him straight out that my LL is WOA as well as touch. That I needed to hear SPOKEN reassurances...H said "OK, but I prefer actions over words and my actions should tell you that you have nothing to worry about".
I run into too many walls over this one. It has started to turn into a cheeseless tunnel. I think it has become one of those "unresolvable issues" that Michele says many couples have. I cannot MAKE my H reassure me with words if he does not want to.
I have to learn to speak his "action" language. So far all I'm "hearing" is a bunch of gibberish
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
That is NOT a good thing.
Little do they know the pets receive excellent care!