Quote: From where I was sitting on the couch I could see him, and of course I was watching him cause we were in the middle of a convo. He grabbed some jeans and moved to a part of his bedroom where I couldn't see him anymore to put on the jeans. Could have been nothing, but seemed weird that he would spontaneaously get up and disrobe, but then be uncomfortable with me seeing him. Who knows, I could be over-reading that one.
Carrie - maybe he moved to hide the erection he was getting? just a thought!
And betsey - I hope the reason you haven't submitted your book is just that you are waiting to see if Mr. W divorces you first, so you don't have to share your millions in royalties with him? Any other excuse would be unnaccetable, you know!
Carrie--Wouldn't it be hilarious if Ellie was right?
Ellie--Well, that really isn't the reason. It's actually due to time constraints. And ya know what? I'll split the royalties with him anyway, since he lived the story I had to tell--it's a letter writing journal of our first few years of D7's life (and actually I will slate half of them between 2 charities). I actually have a miserable chapter devoted to tending to my marriage. Maybe it's not selling because that chapter is a farce?
Dunno, but when it hits B&N, I'll tell ya...
Until then, keep smiling! Ellie, that's all you can do anyway!
Happy Easter,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Oooooh, I think I'm going to go with Ellie's explanation; makes me feel much better to think that!! heheh!!
Thanks for dropping by everyone, and Betsey, you've given me lots of things to think about. First, congrats on your book. I do hope that you publish it some day because I'm sure it's a story that people would love to read, but how great for you that you actually accomplished writing it, that's awesome!!!
You asked:
Quote: Was this really the case or does he have a tendency to squash you when you need a boost?
Hmm, good question. I really think it was a little of both. I haven't always had the highest self-esteem, and often times looked to H (unfairly I realize now) to validate me when I should have been able to validate myself. However, he wasn't always the best at giving me credit when it was due, or even propping me up when I needed it. Maybe that's because he got tired of constantly having to be the one to validate me? Not sure, it's definitely something to ponder though.
In the days surrounding the bomb he made a comment to me that I've mulled over a lot. He said: I've never been able to give you what you need. I've never been able to make you happy. You've had the same complaints about me years ago that you do now. Evidently he'd happened upon a letter I'd written him a few years ago which was complaining about things that I still complained about. It's taken me a few months to realize that he never did, and never is, going to make me happy. I have to do that for myself. It's my responsibility, not his. Now that doesn't mean I'm taking the blame for everything, but I do know that I put way too much pressure and blame on him for things that were never his fault or responsibility.
An update on the weekend, you say?!? Okay....
Thursday I mentioned a concert to him that I had mentioned the previous week, and asked if he'd like to go. The concert was in Tucson, and we're in Phoenix, so it's about an hour & a half away. The guy is a musician we both love. He said on Thursday he wasn't sure, but remind him on Friday and he'd think about it. I said okay, and was doing really well acting cool & as if (cause it was genuine!). I asked if he didn't go if I could borrow 'his' car to make the drive, and he said sure. So Friday rolls around and he says he doesn't feel like going. Too tired he says. (I knew he would decline, he has declined almost every invite I've extended to him, which haven't been many. It's almost like he wants to be contrary to me and let me know he is in charge of what he does. He has no problem asking me to do stuff, but when I ask him he always has an excuse.) But whatever, I was going with or without him!!! He called me in the afternoon to see if I'd gotten the cell phone yet that I'd been talking about getting. Said he was really worried about me being alone and really wanted me to get the phone before I went. I agreed that was probably a good idea, and got the phone. We decided I'd bring the dog by his place for the weekend and then switch cars on my way out of town. When I got to his place we hung out for a bit, I think he was pretty shocked that I was actually going to go through with this. Well I did!! He asked me to call when I'd arrived, which I did, and then he called me mid-concert just to make sure I was okay. I let it go to VM. He asked me to call when I was on my way home, which I did. He also called me during my drive back to make sure I was alright. I got back to his place about 1:30 in the morning and was super excited about my trip. I mentioned the guy was a phenomenal guitar player. He said I should have been like a groupie and hitting on the guy after the show. I said, nah, that's alright, although I could have because he was hanging around afterwards. H said, you missed your chance, and I said that was fine! Now here's the cute thing, H made me a mug of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows for my drive home!!! I couldn't believe it! H isn't a hot chocolate drinker at all, nevermind marshmallows! I wonder if he bought it that night just for me? Don't know, but I thought that was so sweet.
Saturday was relatively quiet, we chatted on the phone once for a few minutes.
This afternoon he came over to drop off the dog on his way to his grandma's for Easter. We hung out for about 45 minutes. He was really chatty and fun. We talked some about upcoming moving and house stuff. He commented that it was really too bad we were selling the house now because it was looking so great (Since the S I've hired a landscaper to take care of the yard and I've kept the inside really nice). I agreed that it was looking really great lately. He also commented that it was strange to be back at the house (he hasn't been here in a while), but that it was really cozy here. He said he didn't think his apartment was very cozy. Then, another shocker: he gave me an Easter gift! He got me a pack of peeps, a decorated plastic egg with M&M's inside and a card. The card was so cute. On the front it said: Happy Easter from both of us. Inside he signed: love dog & h.
This was especially shocking because in the last few years he's been pretty unthoughtful on special occasions. I'm a big card & gift giver, and he used to be, but not so much recently. So, counting this as a baby step.
I think I've successfully gotten myself out of the rut I was in last week, and I'm feeling pretty good. I think a lot of it had to do with my concert. I've never gone to a show by myself, let alone driven 120 miles by myself to go to one. It was really fun though, and I was really proud of myself for doing it!! Yeah me!! heheh!
For now, I'm actually looking forward to my upcoming move. I know it will be emotional as it gets closer, but I really do feel it's the right thing for me and for us. I feel like this house and all the stuff in it was weighing us down. Feels good to lose the dead weight...
Hey Carrie, glad to see your PMA back up again...we all have those days more often then we'd like to admit...at least I do.
Great that you went out to the concert - sounds like you had a great time!!
Isn't it funny how our spouses react when we do stuff on our own?!? It's great when we go ahead and treat ourselves - it's makes you feel good and lets them know they're 'tudes can't bring us own!
You go girl!!!
xo TO
Me 28 H 30
Together 11 Years
Married 7
Seperated 11/2004
Divorced 4/2005
I just wanted to say thanks for being there for me. I really appreciate it. It really means a lot to me.
I really think your H is confused with his depression and will get through it because you are standing there by his side through the whole thing. You are a wonderful person and he can't help but see that.
Hey All- Seattle & TO, thanks for dropping in. I'm here for you both anytime!!
Weekend update...
This weekend has been exhausting! I went by Friday afternoon and signed the lease on my very first apartment (by myself, always had roomies). Not really even too scary, have to admit I was surprised. Spent a little time there Friday night cleaning and just settling in to the idea. H called my cell to see if I was in and how I was doing. Thought that was sweet.
Saturday morning H came over to help me start packing & moving. We decided to just sort & pack Saturday and move today. For the most part, it all went well. I had a minor little emotional moment when H asked if we wanted to keep this collage thing that I had made for him when we first were dating. I just kinda looked at him to see what he was referring to, and then when i saw it I got a bit teary and he quickly said oh yeah, we'll keep it and I left the room. Played with the dog for a few minutes, and then I was all back on track. We had a good time going through stuff and we got lots done. He was here for about 5 or 6 hours.
I did some more packing last night after he left, and then he was back this morning again. One point of interest, I think he saw me naked today!! He was supposed to be coming by at 11. It was about 20 till and I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying my hair. Then I hear a Hi!!! which startled me, I turned off the dryer and could then hear H talking to the dog to let her outside. Then he busied himself doing stuff out in the family room. So I'm pretty sure he walked back, saw me, and then tried to play it off. heheheh!!
Today was another good day. We loaded up the cars and trekked over to my apartment. After carrying a couple loads up three flights of stairs H said 'carrie this was a bad idea.' I said, hey it wasn't my idea! and laughed. A few minutes later he said 'yeah, i guess it was my idea, huh?' I said, oh I thought he was referring to the third floor choice, which I had no choice in. Thought that was kind of interesting, not sure if it means anything.
At one point we were sprawled out on the floor in my apartment taking a break and we were both super tired. Somehow we got to talking about things and H opened up a lot about a trip he took overseas last year. It was a few months before the bomb, and I knew he was majorly depressed but not motivated to do anything about it. I encouraged him to take a trip with his best friend because I thought it would help him out. I guess in a way it backfired on me, because he told me at bomb time that on this trip was when he decided he wanted a D. Anyhow, so he never told me much about his trip, but today he was sharing a lot of details about the trip, and also just details about his life in general lately. It was a really good convo.
After that trip we decided to leave my car and ride back to the house together. H wanted to stop off at one of my recent favorite stores (now one of his faves too) to look for something. We ended up spending a while there. Every few minutes he was saying 'care, come here, look at this; care, check this thing out'. This I thought was very good for two reasons: 1, my close family call me 'care' and H used to do this too. Haven't heard it in ages, but heard it a number of times this weekend! 2, He was so excited/intersted in showing me stuff! Even wanted my opinion on a pair of shoes, did I think they were cool? Should he buy them? So, think this is all good stuff.
After the shopping we came back to the house to eat and load up one more time. We were both getting pretty tired. Took one more load down and H stuck around for a while and then decided to head home to relax. He offered to come by during the week to help me again, or to drop off the car (he has the bigger car right now) so I could take trips myself.
All in all, I feel this was a great weekend. H has been more like 'old H' this weekend. We genuinely had a good time together. Going through stuff and packing wasn't hard at all. In fact, I feel really good about selling the house and getting started on this next phase. To me (and maybe to H too) selling the house and getting rid of a lot of the stuff in it is sort of symbolic of getting rid of the old junk that was bringing us down. Having a simpler, pared down life feels really good. I think it will be a great time for us to start fresh on a lot of things, including our R.
Carrie you are a gem. Talk about looking for the good in everything. Wow girl, I like your positive attitude, you just keep rolling with the punches and smiling. Im glad you had a great weekend, you deserved a nice weekend to refuel your self. Keep on doing whats working. I think your H is just really not sure of what to do. You guys always get along so good. Never any conflict and anger. Keep it up and he will see your unconditional love and relize what a head case he has been. I could learn a thing or 2 from you. Im going to try my best to avoid conflict this week and try to just have fun. Keep it mellow, be her friend. I think you have it alot easier with your H but maybe its because you laid the ground work. Thanks for your inspiration and God Bless, Eddy
Trip, thanks so much for checking in on me!! I have been so busy this week I've hardly had a chance to keep up with reading the boards, let alone post. But, I am taking a few minutes now to give you all an update...
Tonight I'm in my very first apartment that's just mine, and I'm here all by myself. Wow, it feels weird! I'm not as emotional as I thought I'd be, but I think that's because I'm so exhausted from making a zillion trips up three flights of stairs!!
Last week was a quiet week. H came by a few times to help with the house and the garage sale we had on Saturday. I was pretty annoyed at H Friday because he'd been over Thursday night and said he'd come back Friday night if I 'really really needed his help' getting the garage sale ready to go. Well Friday afternoon he bails on me saying he already had plans and had these plans for many weeks but had forgotten about them. I was kind of pissed, but decided to just let it go, whci is a 180 for me, and I think the right thing to do.
Saturday morning he was over bright and early for the garage sale. We ended up doing really well and getting rid of tons of stuff. After that we worked for the rest of the day packing up the house. Actually, H did most of the work. I'm pretty sure he was feeling super guilty that I have been doing all the work around there. At one point I was just standing around and said I felt bad I wasn't helping, what could I do? He said, just supervise me, that's your job!
All in all, the day was incredible!! It was the closest we have been since the bomb, and since many months before it. We had so much fun joking and playing around. H was so much like his old self, I hardly recognized/remembered it at first. He even made a comment to me that he thought his anti-D meds had just started working for him in the last few weeks. I would totally agree with that- our visits the last few weeks have been really great, H has seemed more and more like his old self. So, this makes me wonder, if he is coming out of the depression, is this going to change the way he views our M?
So far I am seeing many baby steps. He talks about things in 'we' a lot. Like WE will fix your desk. He also wanted me to make sure I took the spare key to the car that he's driving now. But, there are still daggers in there- he talks a lot about 'our own lives' stuff- like how having my own apartment will be nice, etc. So, I just keep chugging along.
Another point to mention, this past week I got some really great career news and H has been so supportive and so happy for me. He's told me several times on e-mail and in person, and was also talking to someone else about how proud he is of me. He also volunteered to help me with some things, and has come up with some really good ideas for me. So this feels good to have so much support from him. In the beginning of our R he was so supportive and proud of me with everything I did, but that tapered off quite a bit the last year or so.
Well I have another crazy week ahead of me. We close on the house Friday. We still have many things to do over there, so I will probably be seeing H a few times this week. I already have meetings this week with my new work as well!! I'd also like to try and get settled into the apartment soon so I'm not living out of boxes!
Last night I was feeling really awful and really apprehensive about how things might change now that H and I won't have our house, but after chatting with some super helpful friends, I feel like I'm back on track and trying to stay focused on the positive. Hope that I still feel that way tomorrow!!
just a thought! 
He was supposed to be coming by at 11. It was about 20 till and I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying my hair. Then I hear a Hi!!! which startled me, I turned off the dryer and could then hear H talking to the dog to let her outside. Then he busied himself doing stuff out in the family room. So I'm pretty sure he walked back, saw me, and then tried to play it off. heheheh!! 