Welcome back, Carrie, glad to hear you had a great trip. Now you can approach your sitch with a new vigor. I'm anxious to hear how you decide to proceed. I hope you get to see the old H peek out from behind the other H's.
Hey all- Just wanted to give you a little update. I think something pretty huge happened last night when I went to H's to pick up the dog. We had been chatting a lot yesterday because I had my interview in the morning and when I got on the computer afterwards, H IMed wanting to know how it all went. So when I went to get the dog we were still chatting a lot and things were going well. In terms of the H personality, I was deinitely dealing with the old H last night, which is such a rare and awesome treat! So H and I went out for food and he wanted me to tell him about my interview 'from start to finish'. He has been so supportive and helpful through all of this; I'm basically doing a 180 career change and pursuing a dream. So the visit was great, lots of little inadvertant touches and he was very sparkly and loving. At one point we were sitting on the floor at his apartment and when he got up he reached out his hand to help me up--lots of nice little touches like that.
So, okay, here's the huge part. He bought this big old desk a few weeks ago and has been working on stripping and re-furbishing it. I asked him how it was going, and he took me into the room to show it to me. He was talking about what he might do when it was stripped. I was asking him questions and just generally listening and being interested in him. Then he said, 'you know, I wanted to apologize to you. I never gave you and your design ideas enough credit and I'm really sorry. You are actually very talented. I have been feeling bad because I've been asking L for help with designing my apartment, and I realized that I should have been asking you too. So if you have any ideas for me, I'd love to hear them.' Whoa, I was blown away. I just smiled really warmly and said thank you and it really meant a lot to me, and that I would certainly be thinking about his place and any ideas for it. Inside I was jumping up and down and doing backflips. This was an amazing thing for him to say. The career change I'm trying to make is to get into design. This is something I've always wanted to do, but really lacked the confidence to go for it. And H didn't help. He gave me a hard time about everything little thing that I wanted to do to our house. And kind of put down my ideas, or at the very least just blew me off. And then was always throwing in my face how he worked with these two graphic designers and how talented they were. Then when he started talking about getting his own place, one of the designers, L, was helping him design his place. This was a major blow to my ego, but I never once let him know that. I laughed and joked with him about having a designer for his apartment and told him how cool that was. So, he must be doing some serious thinking over there in that place of his all alone to come up with such a wonderful and complimentary thing to say. It really did blow me away.
That's all for now, just wanted to share my happy moment.
Carrie, this is huge! Keep drawing him closer and closer. You are doing great. The papers sound like part of the wall to me. Maybe the last big chunk of it.
Hey all- I had another great visit last night with the old H, this makes two in one week!!!
H e-mailed me to see if I'd send him a blank check so he could pay his rent. I said I would be in his area yesterday and could drop it by his place instead (since he e-mailed the day before he needed it!). So we decided I'd just drop off the envelope at the apartment office. Then yesterday he emails and says if I'd like to drop by his place in the evening after my errands I was welcome to. I said I'd see how things went.
So I ran my errands and decided to drop by for a few minutes. He was cooking dinner and asked if I was hungry? It seemed like it would have been a hassle, so I just said no big deal I'd get some food at home. So we were sitting around chatting about music and books and current events--- having a really great convo. He says, I could make you a bacon quesadilla (all excitedly)!! This was funny b/c we were joking around the other day about the strange bachelor food he'd been eating namely bacon quesadilla's. So, I said sure! I've noticed that he loves making food or drinks for me when I visit. He told me that a band we like was going to be in tucson (about an hour away) in a few weeks and that he was going to see if one of our mutual friends would go with him. I said oh that's great!! Then I mentioned another band we liked was also going to be there next week and that I was thinking about going. He said who with? I said probably alone. He said, alone?!! I said yeah, none of my friends were really people I'd like to go to a concert with. He said, yeah, I know what you mean, when I think of going to concerts I just think of going with you or with T (his best friend in florida). I just smiled and nodded but I was thinking, wow, huge score for me!!!
The convo continued to flow really well. He seems to be adopting a new 'whatever happens will be' attitude, he even said that 2 or 3 times last night. He said he is trying to stop controlling things and railing against things and just let things happen. I think this can only be a positive for our sitch.
He offered me an espresso and then jokingly said 'okay after this I'm kicking you out'. I laughed and agreed that I needed to get home. Then he started apologizing saying that this was the time of night he'd been going to bed and reading. I agreed that I loved going to bed early in the evening and reading for a few hours (gee, we just have more and more things in common everyday! hehe!!).
The night ended with a really huge hug (none of that one- arm crap that he likes to pull most of the time). I felt really good about this visit!! I feel like I'm getting to see more of the old H, and that our interactions continue to be really postive. Not quite sure where to go from here. Think I will just continue to stay the course and monitor for results...
Way to go girl! Keep scoring those points! Love how he's gonna let whatever happen, happen, go with the flow... Open book, blank new page! Huge hug, WOW- keep chalkin up those steps. He can't resist you. This S is just what you guys needed for a brand new amazing R!!!
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
Hey all- Been a quiet few days around here. Not a whole lot of interaction with H, I've been busy and trying to adjust to the idea of moving out of our house.
Over the weekend I was super busy working on a project for the job I'm hoping to land. I had a follow-up interview with them Monday to present my project. I talked to H on Sunday night when I called to let him know our realtor had dropped off a paper for us to sign. He asked how my project was going, and mentioned that he'd been thinking about it but didn't call because he knew that he couldn't always be worrying about me and trying to fix my problems. I wasn't sure how to respond, but he continued talking so I didn't get a chance to respond.
Monday was a bit of a backslide day for me... I stopped by H's work on the way to my interview so that he could sign the paper from the realtor. We chatted a little and then he mentioned he'd like to see my project. I was super nervous about showing it to him because I wasn't feeling totally confident about it. I jokingly told him even if he thought it was crap he had to tell me how great it was because I needed the ego boost. We walked over to my car and I showed him my project. He wasn't negative but he wasn't positive either. As much as I didn't want to, I started to cry. Then he started feeling bad and tried to back pedal and tell me it was good, etc. I was so mad at myself for my reaction to him. One of my hugest challenges after the bomb has been to build myself up. To know that I am as great as I want to be. But I felt all that fly out the window when I was standing there showing him my project and seeking his approval. I knew my project was good, but when I was with him I didn't. I was waiting for him to tell me it was good and I was instantly disappointed when he didn't say what I wanted to hear. After my interview I went to put an apartment on hold, and the combination of the two really had me bummed out. When I got home H had left a VM apologizing for upsetting me. Said he thought my project was good and that all I could do was just continue to practice if I wasn't happy with my work. He also sent me an email, a portion of which said:
You shouldn't have been nervous showing them to me. Who am I anyway? I don't know anything about this stuff. I am sure the people looked at them and saw a lot more than I did, simply because my eye doesn't see these things. I have to rely on the fact that I know you are passionate, hard-working and knowledgeable, and I trust that all those things translate into a competent project from you. It was stupid of me to sit there and try to intellectualize your project, and it just made you feel bad. I am sorry. Don't worry about trying to impress me, anyway. I am very impressed by what you are doing with these interviews...
I think the worst part of this interaction was that it was a typical interaction from our old life. He would do something that would unintentionally upset me. Then he would feel really bad and apologize and I would try to gloss it all over like everything was fine. This is exactly the kind of interaction I've been trying to get away from. I don't want to be so emotional and depend on others for my confidence and happiness, but I guess in stressful times that old dynamic just comes flying right back.
Yesterday was a pretty quiet day, no e-mail contact from H, but he was in a training all day. Then he called last night but I was on the other line, so it was very brief, just asking if I was going to stop by his place today and when I might be by (I was supposed to borrow a sander from him on Monday but forgot to get it when I saw him).
Today was another quiet day on e-mail. I stopped by his apartment after going into the office. I was greeted by the mopey and depressed H. I was there for about 45 mins, but that was really stretching it. He was just so mopey and depressed. When he's like that it's hard to have a convo with him because he's so withdrawn. Unfortunatly I think I slipped into old behavior a little again and started to over-compensate for his quiet by being more chatty. Not too bad, but probably more than I should have. There was a little bit of light joking and teasing from him, but not much. One interesting thing to note, we were right in the middle of talking when he got up and walked to his bedroom and took off his shorts (boxers underneath ). From where I was sitting on the couch I could see him, and of course I was watching him cause we were in the middle of a convo. He grabbed some jeans and moved to a part of his bedroom where I couldn't see him anymore to put on the jeans. Could have been nothing, but seemed weird that he would spontaneaously get up and disrobe, but then be uncomfortable with me seeing him. Who knows, I could be over-reading that one.
Anyhow, he initiated me leaving by saying that he was going to go run some errands and walked out with me.
I'm feeling a bit bummed out overall. Tough to get used to the idea of selling the house and packing and moving into a place all by myself. But it's going to be happening sooner than later! Closing on the house is april 30th. Also feels a bit weird to be spending my first holiday alone (Easter). We never made a big deal out of it, but we always spent it with his family. He mentioned that he was going over to his grandma's this Sunday to get together with his family. Makes it worse that I don't have any family out here at all except his. Oh, well. I'll get through it just like every other day.
Feeling like I should set some goals, but don't really know where to begin. Any input??
Did I hear you say goal setting? Awesome suggestion!
What can you do to take your mind off the upcoming holiday? I'd start there. What else can you do for yourself as a quick Pick-Me-Up? Sunless tanning? An Easter manicure? Lunch with a girlfriend this weekend? An Easter fashion show with Dazed Boy as our featured model?
Damn, I know how disappointed you must feel. If it helps, I think you're an awfully special lady. And about his reaction to your project, I want to make a side comment.
You said:
Quote: I was super nervous about showing it to him because I wasn't feeling totally confident about it.
Was this really the case or does he have a tendency to squash you when you need a boost?
I know that Mr. Wonderful didn't set out to hurt me, but he often did. I have a book manuscript all written and waiting to publish (I have not aggressively pursued that path since he left, for obvious reasons)--and had given it to him to read when I finished it and my editor friend had a pass through.
I'm still really proud of it. All my friends read it. A bunch of family members read it--including one of my cousins who had visited us for a week from Sydney. I remember coming down to the family room one day to find her in a ball crying on my sofa... I asked what was wrong, and she said she had finished reading and was very moved.
She asked Mr. W. what he had thought about it and he gave her a blank look and said, "I don't know, I haven't read it." She was stunned, because she knew I had finished it the year before.
I've received lots of favorable reviews on it, and my dear H has still not asked to read it. I don't know if it's punishment or fear of being touched? Or maybe even resentment that I can do something better than he can?
My point here is that it sounds as though you sort of knew he wasn't going to give you the boost that you wanted and needed--because you wouldn't have had to remind him you needed one. Am I right? Until he's figured out why he's not happy about your accomplishments, why not seek out someone else whose opinion you really value?
You deserve some kudos and a few atta girls.
Hugs, special one.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi ((((((Carrie)))))), I think our number one goal here should be to get that smile back on your face. I was thinking maybe I could come by and give you a sweedish massage instead of beer and pizza night. Better yet we will get ham on the Pizza. Your H is very intent on this it seems but still cares for you very much. I wonder how he would handle you going dark on him? I am just curious because he seems very attached and needs your approval of him yet. I wish I had more advise for you. Take care of your self, Im thinking of you. God Bless, Eddy
(((((Carrie))))), sorry you are having a rough few days. You have been so strong and confidentent around your H it's no wonder that you can break once in a while. Maybe you could try going dark?? Sounds like maybe H does need some detachment from you?. I have been thinking about doing the same? but it's hard when I really don't have anywhere else to go...anyhow, you hang in there...e-mail or IM me if you ever need to talk. Have a Hoppy Easter!!
xo TO
Me 28 H 30
Together 11 Years
Married 7
Seperated 11/2004
Divorced 4/2005
). From where I was sitting on the couch I could see him, and of course I was watching him cause we were in the middle of a convo. He grabbed some jeans and moved to a part of his bedroom where I couldn't see him anymore to put on the jeans. Could have been nothing, but seemed weird that he would spontaneaously get up and disrobe, but then be uncomfortable with me seeing him. Who knows, I could be over-reading that one. 