Ok, so now the book has been read by both of us. We have made great improvements. I've even recommended it to a very close friend for her DH and their situation. She agrees it's really good.
Now the question, she and I have the same problem. How do we get our spouses to act interested in us? How do we get them to 'turn us on'? I don't think it is so different for men and women.
Well... *frowns* I don't really think you can "get them" to act interested. It's something they have to decide to do, or reach a point where they CAN do it, on their own. If you've all already read the book and are working on it, then... you've just really got to wait for them to get to a point where they can. /-:
I know with my H one of the biggest problems was that I thought he wasn't doing anything to change. I didn't see any changes in his actions towards me, and at the time he wasn't even suggesting that it was something that really bothered him, so I assumed that he was just stonewalling me - telling me he was working on things and just filing the conversation away without actually doing anything. /-: I've recently realized that he was actually doing something - he was working through his natural inhibitions and working to change his habits through conscious choice, to reach a point where he WOULD think of doing all of the little things that he does now that make things, if not perfect, then sooooooo much better. That he was sloooooooooowly working on changing himself internally so that he could express himself externally. But, because it was internal, there was nothing I could see happening, so I was just frustrated and a bit hopeless at times. /-: It just took time... and now I understand a bit more what, exactly, he was working through, because he finally understands how frustrating it was to NOT have him giving me any sign he was working on things, and explained it to me. (-:
All you can really do is try to make it clear what it means to you, and offer suggestions if they're open to suggestions of ways they can help you feel appreciated. If that's what you're looking for, ideas, then that's something completely different. There are lots of those. :-D
Though, caveat here, if they're not willing to do them, they're not gonna do them. That's something they have to work their way to, and the only thing you can really do is encourage them and work with them to help them understand what and why you're hurting. Eventually, of course, if they're unwilling, then it becomes time to tell them where your breaking point is... and what the consequences for things remaining the same could be, be that a smothering of a part of yourself and potential change in the way you relate, the chance of an affair for that physical attention, or the flat out ending of the relationship. It sucks that there's no way to explain it without having it almost seem like a threat, but... It's only fair warning. /-:
That in mind, and assuming that it's what you really meant, (if not, kindly disregard the rest of this post) some of the things my H has been doing differently that have left me feeling much more feminine and desired are:
When we're going up stairs, he makes a point to walk behind me, and makes appreciative noises about my hips.
When I get in the mood to act sexy, he makes appreciative remarks... if I'm swaying my way across the apartment instead of just walking, he'll sometimes sidle up behind me and walk with his hands on my hips, pressed up against me. It's very nice.
After I convinced him (through repeated verbal reassurance and physical example, however frustrating) that every touch wasn't going to lead to me going down on him and that I was okay with that, that I just wanted to touch him, he started letting me touch him sensually again instead of stopping me when I let my mood go beyong cuddling-touch, and occasionally runs his hands along my body or back or even just my arms sometmies when we are snuggling or going to sleep. It lets me know he doesn't mind me touching him, even enjoys it, and doesn't mind touching me, either. :-D The only downside to it is that you DO have to be willing to stop, to not expect every touch to lead to sex. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do, because when he does touch me, my body jumps into "Ohmygodhe'stouchingme! Must take advantage before he stops!" mode, and overcoming that was VERY challenging. /-:
Every now and then (usually about once a week), when I get home or when he gets home, he'll walk in and just kiss me deeply and passionately, apparently spontaneously.
Lots of little things like that, (but I've already written a lot and I'm not sure that it's even been what you're asking, and I'm getting kinda tired atm and not thinking terribly clearly, so I really hope I'm not getting people and situations mixed up here) that really added up to have a massive effect on my perception of how things are, and (I think) his comfort level with physical intimacy. They also have been rebuilding the physical connection we have, and the level of trust we have when it comes to physical interaction. I've noticed that since he started doing these, and since I made it really clear to him just how important it is to me and why, we've actually been ML more frequently. Not as frequently as I'd like, natch, but we've gone from once a month to maybe once every 10-14 days... A few backslides, but overall things have been getting better. I think most of them are adaptable between genders, since really they're mostly overt indicators of a willingness and even desire to interact physically.
So... really, all you can do is be patient, and keep the communication lines open and as clear as possible. At least, as far as I know. /-:
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
Wow, great reply, Lina! Hiya John, glad to hear that things still seem to be on track. (wish my situation was going as well...at least my W didn't throw the book at me ) I think that gentle reminders about what kind of efforts you'd like to see from her, plus lots of patience are two things that can help guide the LD spouse along. Lina's right, though, it's something that they have to adjust inside of themselves, and they have to make the choice to do it.
) I think that gentle reminders about what kind of efforts you'd like to see from her, plus lots of patience are two things that can help guide the LD spouse along. Lina's right, though, it's something that they have to adjust inside of themselves, and they have to make the choice to do it.