Thank you Corri, You are right when you say all she hears is blah blah blah sex blah blah blah. The trouble is everything else is so good. We are compatible in every other way. I'm smiling here to myself because I love her so much. We had a big argument last night re my seeing the doctor for a vasectomy and I stormed out of the bedroom (see full account elsewhere). When I went back to bed after half an hour she wanted a cuddle which made it all better. Then this morning she cuddled me again. I am hopeful and I will not give up. I too love CeMar. He and I are so similar in many ways. I have been in my SSM a good many more years than he but he has more experience of trying to solve it. I realize I have never really tried to solve it before. The thing that worries me about CeMar is that there is a lot of underlying anger there. I feel it too and I am really trying hard to remove it. I had a couple of mishaps yesterday (complaining loudly how miserable I am feeling) and the worst part was that my S(11) and D(16) were there to witness it. I have started repeating to myself every now and then "I am a calm and loving person". Hopefully I will start to act like one. SuperDave
Hear, hear, Corri! I agree with everything you say, including your comments about CeMar. Constantly complaining to the world while refusing to muster the guts to confront the ONLY PERSON that counts is a recipe for divorce and very frustrating to witness.
I agree 100% with your advice to SuperDave. Something he said about his wife referring to his "whimper-y" voice really got to me. My X used to use a little boy voice with me. Just like I was mommy.
But I think that his W is crying out for boundaries! I can only believe that she will respect him for drawing them and sticking to them.
CeMar, you have talked incessantly about what HD men want. Let me tell you what LD women want -- A CONFIDENT MAN. A man who will stand up to them, not take their crap. I believe with a confident man the desire comes back.
Oh yes I did, Corri. Thank you so much. I shared it with one of my confidantes, and she said, "I like Corri. She is 150percent on target!" I do get hung up in my W's sh!t. I over-explain myself. I over-defend myself. I over-apologize.
Last night, she came home and I was making pizza for the kids. She gave me a dirty look and went for a walk (but not before grabbing a piece of pepperoni pizza for the road). When she came back in, there was no pizza left. I was upstairs giving DD a bath, and said something like "Great night for a walk," which it was, 50 degrees and beautiful. She didn't say anything. When I came downstairs, she was eating some popcorn, which was, I guess, her dinner. She started talking about work, which is her way of calling a truce, I think. I certainly wasn't engaging in any of my usual behavior, such as following her out the door and trying to explain myself, trying to appease her, or, in this case, offering to cook her something special. No apology last night...no need to apologize. And the walls didn't tumble down. It is taking a lot of diligence on my part, but it is worth the effort.
Thanks again, Corri. I printed out that post of yours and will keep it close to my heart.
Corrie, You have me mixed up with someone else! There's nothing wimpy about my voice. I am pretty confident too. Tell me more about these boundaries. Is there any info in the book? I must have missed it.
Carlotta got you mixed up with Hairdog in reference to this:
Quote: I was on my way up to bed and walked up to her and said, "Can I have a hug?" She looked at me with, what I would almost call disgust. You see, when I ask for something like this, she says I use a "whimper-y" voice, and it really turns her off. Of course, I think I'm asking in a normal, modulated voice. But why should this make a difference anyway? I am asking for something I want, and is it so hard to provide a hug?
It's hard to know for sure how you sound when asking for love. I know I've sensed the little boy in my H when he has asked for something but I don't necessarily find it a turn off. It's more of a flag (to me) that I need to show more love. Mind you, if he ALWAYS sounded wimper-y, that might be a different story!
Hairdog, Should you really be saying to her "Would YOU like a hug?" I am saying to myself "I am confident, sexy and strong" every 5 minutes and I am beginning to feel that way.
Good point SuperDave! Actually, I was going to mention in my initial reply that my H rarely ASKS me for a hug... he asks if I want a hug or else he simply says, invitingly, "Come here" with his arms open.
hairdog (what about HowlingWolf or WildDog or ZenDog instead) where were you this weekend. I am dying to hear your views on my suggestion on the "boot on the other foot" thread. I put 5 stars on it so you'd see it. I am thousands of miles away but on this clear night I'm sure that's the faint but sweet smell of success I can sense on the Westerly breeze from Missouri. SD
