Hey Christine- Just catching up on your thread, looks like you had an eventful couple days, but handled it in typical awesome Christine fashion!!
I notice with my H that when he is in the midst of a particularly bad depressive episode, he is more gloomy and cranky and just generally not fun. Daggers get thrown during this time, and lots of walls seem to be up during this time too. So maybe this is similar with your H?
Don't lose sight of all the progress you've made, it's really been remarkable so far!! Just continue to surround yourself and H with love and positive energy vibes. And Christine, whatever you do, don't start assuming anything about OW. You know this will only drive you crazy.
Dear (((((((((Christine))))))))))))), I'm so sorry to hear that you had a mis-hap. I heard something similiar to those words a few weeks ago myself. However, I was not nearly as far along as you have gotten.
I'm glad to hear that you seem to have rendered some clear thinking on his part but I have to ask, in your "fantasy" world, does H see "every"thing in there as fantasy or some as real? I know that you have made some other requests in this world but is he really taking it in?
I guess I want to be sure that his mind is not playing part of the fetish and his heart is being true to you with his answers. Can you tell the difference?
You have done an excellent job of DBing and the proof is in the pudding since he didn't move out in Feb as mentioned earlier. Let's look back on your sit and see what has changed since you turned the corner until now. Did anything drastic happen? Did you (I doubt it) slip back into any "old" ways? What about the changes in your career, could that have any factor in his comments?
Just trying to give you some things to think about to see what was different when he brought this up. But I'm sure you have combed this area and are already planning your next move to get him back on track further.
Is it too fresh to ask him to come to C and discuss the issues about the R? Or is there some other way you can talk to him? I would advise starting slow on one issue and then move forward. Tread lightly but keep up that great DB attitude you've always had! You Go GIRL!!!! Tootles......
Nice moves! You know what to do! I think there's a reason Michele advises not to listen to much of what WAS's say when you are actively trying to change things by DBing. The resentment/hurt from the old M dynamic(pre-DB) still comes up from time to time perhaps. People get hurt the most by those who are closest to them. It's almost a measure of how close H is to you, that he feels the strong emotions, and then feels comfortable to express them. This is really what I'm starting to realize through my knowledge of psychology. I used to be upset H treated me "worse" than he did his friends, then I realized that his "worse" behavior showed through to me because I was so close to him. Would he feel so free or comfortable to express his innermost emotions(bad and good) around friends, of course not- on the same level as he can to you. If he was "detached" he wouldn't be getting angry at you, he wouldn't be showing you were getting under his skin. It's like he trusts you that much to be able to say whatever, do whatever and know you'll accept him still. That's the beauty of an intimate R. You ARE in a special place with H, and have been since you first met. Know that, know you are the only one he is so comfortable with that he can not have to worry about keeping up his "polite" or "happy" facade all the time. I have an outside perspective on this, because in the early phases of my S, when I lived apart from H, he was mostly nice and distant in our encounters. Then, he started getting critical, angry etc.. when I was getting closer to him - He was letting me in again, opening up... So, don't worry, "discontent" may still be coming out, but you have all the chances in the world to keep creating a wonderful new M! Does H have any other fantasies you could tap into?!
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
Thanks for making those points. I too have noticed that while on the one hand my H is opening up to me in so many ways, he is also feeling freer to show me his negative side... and NOT be on his best behaviour!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I thought I got off this roller coaster! I think that I am going to throw up! Just as before, I need to keep telling myself not to take anything for granted...even reconciliation. Thanks Carrie, Rj2, Karen and LNL for coming to lend your opinions. It is very helpful indeed.
Quote: I guess I want to be sure that his mind is not playing part of the fetish and his heart is being true to you with his answers. Can you tell the difference?
Karen, I have struggled with this quite often. I believe that. "most" of the time, H is sincere in what he says to me during our "fun" activities. I believe this is why he disconinued these activities during the alien invasion. As twisted as it may sound, I think our "scenarios" provide a door to communication that H cannot express otherwise.
Here's what has happened since I last posted. On Saturday, after our session that I mentioned in my last post, H took a nap for 3 hours. This concerns me because this is exactly what he was doing last year right before the bomb. In fact, he took 2 months off of work and did not seek medical help and mostly slept the entire time.
After he got up from his nap, he did some things around the house and I went to the store to get things for dinner. I took a long time, because of my Lasik, it was a bit more challenging than I thought. When I returned, he was crnaky for the rest of the evening. He was trying to argue with everything I said...even the most mundane things. We watched the two Final Four college basketball games together and I even think that he was cheering against my team just to be contrary. Btw, my teams, UConn men and women, both won and are in the finals. So, I was getting a bit concerned. Is he reverting back to his alien ways or am I overreacting? It sure started to feel like the alien days.
Even thought he was cranky, he still managed to stick to his deadline and pick a city for our weekend getaway. He said in this cranky manner that he didn't want to fly anywhere (even thought I have a gizillion airline miles) so he picked a beautiful resort town in the mountains that is about 2 1/2 hours from here. PUt one mark in the positive column.
Right before going to bed, I decided to test the waters a little. I started to mildly scold him and told him that I didn't appreciate his attitude and his arguing. He argued that he wasn't arguing (Hmmm???) I let it go and realized that he wasn't in the mood for a "discussion".
In the morning, I went into the guest bedroom (where he still sleeps) to check on him. He immediately told me that he felt guilty for the way he behaved last night and that I should go and get the belt (yeah, I know, he's crazy!). Needless to say, I really taught him a lesson about arguing and I added a few things into the mix. I told him in no uncertain terms exactly what I expect of him as an obedient H. In addition to not arguing or talking back and proper affection, I also expect to have a weekend get-away ALONE at least every three months and a one-week vaction ALONE at least once a year (I got this from Ellen Kreidman's CDs). He agreed and didn't say that this wasn't possible because of a potential S or D. This lasted for a long time and then we ML for a long time.
In the afternoon, we went to get my birthday present (a digital camera) and to run other errands. At this point, I was thinking that he definitely had reverted to alien mode. He was sooooo cranky. I was overwhelmed by the camera selections and I was having a hard time reading the specs on the individual cameras so I told him that he could choose the camera. He refused and said that, since it was "my" camera, I should pick. We went to do some other errands and he was just plain nasty. On the way home, you could cut the tension with a knife. This was extremely reminiscent of alien mode. I just acted "as if". We got home and he took a nap (again).
After his nap he was pleasant again. In fact, he complimented me on the Snapper Vercruz that I made for dinner and he seemed to be out of his funk. So now comes the weird part. He starts asking me about the refinance on the house. He was asking about his credit score and several other things as if he was part of the equation again. He said that he had faith in me to get the best deal on refinancing the house for us. So now my head is spinning!!! Didn't he just say on Friday that he wasn't going to be part of the refinance because he was leaving? Does he have brain damage? As usual, I acted "as if".
He went to bed before me and, after about and hour, he emerged from the bedroom with the brush in his hand. He handed me the brush and said that he had behaved terribly today and that he would accept whatever consequences that I deemed appropriate. So I let him have it with the back of the brush on his bottom. I told him during all of this that I am putting my foot down and that I will not accept this type of behavior. I made him promise me that his terrible behavior of a couple of months ago will never be repeated. I told him that we should go and buy a special belt for our weekend trip. He agreed to all conditions. I guess we'll see how serious he is. He kissed me, thanked me and said ILY and sent him to bed.
Such is my crazy life! I guess that it is true that psychologists are crazier then their patients. At this point I don't know if he is staying or leaving. If I had to take bets, I would say staying, because he has been saying that he is leaving since November. He also said this weekend that he was still at a crossroad in his life. Maybe he is questioning his decision to reconcile (or maybe he never made that decision).
I have decided to do more 180s because the old 180s have become the norm...so it's time for more change. Gotta keep shaking things up and remembering what worked before.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Here's another thought.....maybe he really enjoys his "punishment" and therefore tends to "act-out" the bad-boy part so that you will "handle" it later on???
Not to add to the mix but part of the MLC equation states that they begin to act like children. His moodiness could be an extension of this and his replay of old antics, before making his "final" decision to stay? Maybe it's the release of them and closing the door???? (what do I know just from reading books??) Just some thoughts for you.... Tootles............
Hey Christine- I always love reading your posts, you're such a good storyteller! Not to make light of your sitch, but you always make it interesting and entertaining.
Sounds like what happened is the aliens temporarily took over H, but you were able to get him back before they did too much damage! Seriously though, it sounds like he might be having a bout of depression? All the sleeping is a big indicator. It's really too bad he won't seek help/meds for that. Do you know anything about natural/herbal remedies? Maybe he wouldn't mind taking one of those?
I think it's great that you are staying positive and keeping an open mind. Just keep doing what you're doing Christine!!
Reward and punishment. You need to really look at his ride. If these behaviors bother you a lot then you need to refuse the belt and the brush until YOU determine the when and the where of them...He is setting the pattern...and will continue if you let him. Somehow get it on your timetable....or make him TALK about what he actually did that was so bad...(TALKING the NEW punishment for alien masochism.)
The good news is that he DOES RECOGNIZE WHEN HE IS AN ALIEN. The sleeping, however, is a real indication of how he needs to check out. It is almost as if he reaches some capacity for how close he will allow himself to get.
Anyway...I did like that you are gonna get your little vacation times! Great idea. I want to checkout that book.
I agree that perhaps (even subconsciously) he acts "bad" for the punishment later. He certainly seems to flip right back to being your H after the aliens take him and then you "punish them out of him."
world but is he really taking it in?
Tootles...... 
As usual, I acted "as if".