Has Christine graduated to piecing?

[ChristineE]

Thanks Sage, MNdad and Karen for your kind words.

It's time again for my neurotic obsessions. I'm so glad that I have this MB to express my neuroses. Last night H was feeling under the weather and he didn't really want to do much of anything except relax on the couch all evening. I immediately became concerned (internally) that he was distancing himself. When we were in bed, he mentioned that he felt his mania was gone (I was suspecting bi-polar illness before) and he felt like his soul was dying. OMG, those were the things that he said to me during the bomb! I validated, validated, validated and never let on that I was silently freaking out!!!

This morning was more of the same and he didn't say ILY. Ok I know this doesn't mean anything at all. I know that he is feeling under the weather and I will continue to act as if. He has not given me any indication that things are reverting back and I have given him no reason to revert back. I am just really insecure because of everything that has happened. Don't worry, I'm showing to him a happy secure and confident woman. He doesn't know my inner turmoil and I will not expect reassurances from him. At least I have learned some things from this DB work!!!

My question to the other piecers is: Do you ever start to feel secure that there is not another bomb around the corner? What are some of the signs?

I can't imagine going the rest of my life like this. I know that we must continue and we must heal and grow.

Christine

[mndad]

Christine -
I am with you on this - I still feel similar feelings - fear, anxiety and the whole range of emotions.
At least for me I have decided that for the time being I will stay happy that we are togther, heading forward and healing. In the future, I expect you (and me/us) will need to sit down together and figure out what originally contributed to the problems so they can be fixed and recognized should it occur again. I almost feel that until that occurs, we will feel anxious at times but I am sure it gets less dramatic as time goes on.

When you figure it out, let me know Of course, IMHO, as much physical contact would help to lessen the anxiety

[ChristineE]

Things with work have been crazy this past week! My old position was eliminated and last week was my first week in my new position and I had to work with my new boss two days in a row last week. I survived and I think that the new boss will work out.

AS for development with my sitch. I don't know what to think! This is new territory for me. I'm not in a crisis anymore (at least I don't think I am) and I'm just in shock. Last week was my first week back after my 3-week work-related absence and my first week at home with my "new" H. I am very anxious and I'm suffering from PTSD I'm sure. My H has been under the weather, tired and a bit cranky (nothing compared to the alien stuff, though). Every time he makes a sarcastic comment or says he wants to rest and be alone, my intestines get all twisted and my pulse races. I immediately get transported in time back to the alien invasion. I just act "as if", it goes away and then I realize that the aliens are not really here anymore. I guess I'm learning that this piecing business comes with it's own set of challenges.

On the positive side, my H is really trying hard. We haven't had any R discussions at all (I'm so terrified) but I can tell by his actions that he chooses his words carefully to show that things are different. For example, he is careful to call the bedroom where the alien slept the "guest" room vs "his" room. He is careful to mention the things that we bought on our trip to the Czech Republic as "ours". He thanks me for little things that I do. Things are nice around here.

But then the ugly neurotic monster shows itself and I start to wonder. Things are not that different today from what they were three months ago and yet, back then, he was saying that our life was a mess. The only things that are different are in his perception. Our life is pretty much the same and so I worry that his perception will change again and he will tell me he's leaving again because he hasn't said that he's not leaving. See how I drive myself crazy!

I was reading my old posts and I realized that there was a direct correlation between his alien behavior and the presence of OW. Everytime she was back in the picture, he would get ugly. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from ever happening again with her or with someone else? Do I just accept the fact that there is always this threat out there or can I affair-proof my M? I averted a dissaster by learning DB, now I have to rebuild a strong R with H.

I'm wondering now if it will ever be appropriate to talk about what happened with H. I won't push the issue, but there is a side of me that would like for him to know that I'm not a fool and I knew what was going on. I think that he believes that he got away with something. For now I realize that my "as if" attitude has gotten me far and may have been the strongest factor in saving my M, so I won't rock the boat yet.

I will continue with the attitude that, if my H is going to have another A, then it's going to be with me!

Christine

[MovingForward]

Christine:

The R talk will come. I didn't say a word to my H about anything that went on while we were separated (don't know what else to call it. we were still in the same house). H brought it up to me on Valentine's Day and wanted to clear the air. I was not sure if he had cheated on me during this separation. I had found two women's phone numbers during all of this and never knew if anything resulted from them. H adamantly told me that he had never cheated, would never cheat and that he got the phone numbers on purpose, left them where I would find them to hurt me because I had hurt him. He apologized profusely and told me how much he loves me.

Give your H time. I'm sure the R talk will come. As for waiting for the other shoe to drop, I felt like that for a few weeks. After the R talk on V Day I feel much more secure. Patience is the key in piecing too.

I am so happy for you Christine and I wish you and your H the best

[ChristineE]

Thanks for your encouragement RW. I'm glad you had a good Valentine's Day too.

I'm starting to realize that, even though I saved my M, my H is still in a terrible way. The depression keeps rearing its ugly head (or maybe bipolar illness) and I don't want to push him to talk to our friend again (psychiatrist). I think he would resist anyway. H says that he feels as if his energy is gone again (this is why I'm suspecting bipolar). He used to work out every day and have a lot of energy and now he is taking naps and sleeping more. I wonder too how this all correlates to the bomb and the A. He was depressed like this pre-bomb and I am so frightened that it's going to happen again.

I need to shift gears now. I need to learn how to translate my successful DB to creating a M that endures. I am so afraid now that he will become bored with me and another A will happen. He is in a weird funk and hasn't wanted to ML since Valentine's weekend. On the other hand, I can see that he is conciously trying to compliment me and express his gratitude for the things that I do. He is being very nice and very loving.

I guess I need to continue to spice things up around the house. Maybe I'll wrap myself in celophane and great him at the door! At least I'll have some fun and maybe he'll come out of his funk. I wish he would reconsider his friend Lexapro again.

I feel that these are the early weeks of piecing and I am so afraid that I will accidentally do something wrong. Are there things that I need to watch out for? ARe there potential hazards that I don't realize? I would love to hear from anyone who has been down this road already.

Christine

[Love2Win]

Hey Christine...as you know I am new to piecing so I can't give any expertise there but from what I do know about DBing...You did a great job w/that. Why not bring out that person you were in the beginning? Cheerful, loving, acting as if, etc.... I know you probably are doing that now but you may have gotten a bit comfortable w/the fact that he's not running so you are not "working" as hard? Go back to some of your old threads and see what helped turn it around and see if you're missing some of that now.

I know the fears exist. Maybe coz he doesn't want to ML you can show him love actions another way? cuddling, getting him coffee, the tapes you were leaving him? Whatever you think he might like to help get some flair back from him. Maybe he's just dwelling on his faults in the R and doesn't want to talk (like most of the other S's here). He's just not ready.

Give him the space but show him you still love him. Just because you were ML so much initially doesn't mean you have to do that to show him love, right? There are other ways. Find them and start slow w/some and wait for results. He'll come around. Don't dwell so much on the what if's and enjoy what you have now and what will come in the future.

Thanks for welcoming me to the forum. I'm ready to stand tall and start ML too!!! LOL Tootles.........

[Love2Win]

Hey Christine...as you know I am new to piecing so I can't give any expertise there but from what I do know about DBing...You did a great job w/that. Why not bring out that person you were in the beginning? Cheerful, loving, acting as if, etc.... I know you probably are doing that now but you may have gotten a bit comfortable w/the fact that he's not running so you are not "working" as hard? Go back to some of your old threads and see what helped turn it around and see if you're missing some of that now.

I know the fears exist. Maybe coz he doesn't want to ML you can show him love actions another way? cuddling, getting him coffee, the tapes you were leaving him? Whatever you think he might like to help get some flair back from him. Maybe he's just dwelling on his faults in the R and doesn't want to talk (like most of the other S's here). He's just not ready.

Give him the space but show him you still love him. Just because you were ML so much initially doesn't mean you have to do that to show him love, right? There are other ways. Find them and start slow w/some and wait for results. He'll come around. Don't dwell so much on the what if's and enjoy what you have now and what will come in the future.

Thanks for welcoming me to the forum. I'm ready to stand tall and start ML too!!! LOL Tootles.........

[merrick]

Can't offer you anything tangible Christine other than my prayers and best wishes. As for me, I'm doing my best spywork at home. This spy simply can't afford the two households--never mind the marriage! I'm glad things are still on the right track for you.

Merrick

[ChristineE]

Thanks Merrick and Karen for stopping by to lend your support. It's good to see some of the veterans in this forum.

My sitch seems to be in neutral right now. It is making me very nervous. H is being very pleasant to me, but his depression has kicked in again in a big way. He has not wanted to ML or do any other intimate activities. He seems to be all out of energy and he does not seem happy at all. I'm just so afraid that he is going to blame me for his dysphoria again and decide to leave.

There was one incident today where I realized that I really have changed. I picked up some Chinese take-out on the way home and H was already there waiting for me. We had this interaction:
H: "What did you get for me?
Me: "Kung Pao chicken".
H: "Did you tell them to put extra chicken?"
Me: "No, I didn't know that was an option."
H: (Sounding annoyed) "I always get extra chicken for $2! You should have known that's what I wanted!"
Me: "Well, since you're mad at me I guess I'm not getting a hello hug."
I then excused myself and went to the bathroom. I immediately realized that I was getting that "old" feeling in my intestines. That old feeling that I felt hurt and how dare he treat me this way? Why can't he acknowledge that I went out of my way to get us food? I immediately went back into the kitchen and put on a big smile and said that I was glad to see him. I wasn't going to fall into the old trap of getting upset and expressing to him how misunderstood I felt. I just let him be cranky and didn't take it personally from that point forward. He soon after came up to me and gave me a hug. Thank you DB!

We are going to Phoenix tomorrow to attend my son's graduation from a private university in AZ. H seems mildly excited and genuinely happy for my S. Perhaps being in a hotel and having some time away from home might relieve some stress. I hope it's a fun getaway. Any suggestion on spicing up the weekend would be welcomed!

Christine

[seattlehopeful]

Hi Christine

You did an awesome job of keeping your cool! That must have felt horrible to you to have a flashback. One thing I noticed is he doesen't use I statements? You should've known. Could you suggest to him to use I statements or would that be too forward?

You handled yourself like a pro. Take care.