Thank you so much for posting that. I really means a lot to me at this point. I struggle daily with why my W doesn't open up her feeling to me. I rarely get even a glimpse of what she is going through. I so despriately want to be able to console her.
The fears listed above are really telling, and I think I understand now what she is going through and why she is unable at this point to share her emotions with me.
Thank you so much.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
I definitely needed to be reminded of the pain my H may still be going through himself...regardless of whether he wants/needs to admit such pain to me.
It isn't easy for me to accept that H still works with OW and probably talks to her on occasion...in that same vein it must be difficult for H to work around her as well and find he has no choice but to talk to her when his job dictates it. With that in mind it may not be easy for his pain to be laid to rest
Lots to ponder here...THANKS ONCE AGAIN TAL!!
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Tal -- Thanks so much for this post! It's SO HARD to remember (for me, at least) that h is mired in his own fears...and that he, too, needs reassurances.
Sigh. it's so hard for me to strike the balance...to want to keep him out of the intense "fear" zone but at the same time to feel like we both have to go through it to come out on the other side as "stronger". I guess patience and openness continues to be key...so that when I ask "how can I know that this won't happen again" and he says "it just won't" that I can remember that maybe he's afraid to say "it won't because I live with this fear of XYZ and I can't and won't do that to us again...etc"
I think my h gets a big hug, too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Does this mean that someone out there has created a BB for Walk Aways who are working on reconciliation?? What a great thing! A safe place where they can go and talk...just like what we have!
UD--I struggled with similar at a similar stage you are at. Thank you to the veterans who had been around longer than me who told me that what I was feeling was normal--they had all felt it at one time or another. They also reminded me that the alternative was to still carry the scars--and have to grieve the end of my marraige too. There just ain't no easy out in this!
Some here have spouses who communicate well--but most don't. I am so grateful that someone else put this stuff down on paper (so to speak) to give me a glimpse of some of the things Wolfie must have fretted about while sitting on the fence and even now.
I have to admit that I never really thought about them having triggers like we do--much less be intensly aware that WE have them. How could they not have triggers too?
I'm sure that some of the things I did in the first few months after bomb--when I was a complete psycho added quite a few additional triggers for Wolfie to occasionally remember too! Holay--I was one crazy freak at that time, and much of that time was a blur to me now. Raging one minute--crying and begging the next...I was like a mortally wounded animal thrashing around in pain. I know there was "justification" for my behavior...but I never have thought to apologize to him for all of the horrible things I did.
I don't think he intended to hurt me by having an A--but I sure intended to (viciously) hurt him by my actions afterward.
I loved your post on the way our spouses must feel knowing they betrayed us! WOW!
Quote: If you are convinced that you are "bad" and wrack yourself with guilt over the "bad" things you've done in the past that prove that....then you are at very high risk to continue to go off into episodes of doing "bad" things to punish yourself and keep that shame from fading away.
That is sadly my H!
You have helped me to see alot here and try to understand what has been going through my H head. How sad!
{{{talista}}}
Thank You! Because I know I've said and done things a year ago that will be hard for my H to forgive; filing for a D and getting evil about it (thanks to my att). Hope someday we can both get past the pain we caused each other. I'm trying at least.
Several weeks ago, Wolfie mentioned doing an IV at work. He has commented on doing them in the past and how he is the one that gets called for the difficult cases.
I have made some comments since along the lines of being so amazed to imagine doing that and asking him if he enjoyed doing them and enjoyed knowing that he could do it so well that he didn't cause patients much pain.
This morning, as I am getting ready for work--he asked, "why are you so amazed about me doing IV's? Are you surprised that I could do something like that much less be good at it?"
I told him that I was IMPRESSED and PROUD of him--not surprised that he could do something well!!!!
I told him that I am really concerned about his negative self-talk---especially when projects it onto me!!! I said that I was so glad that he was coming to me for clarification--so I can dispell that stuff."
I am concerned about how drastic this negative thinking goes with him sometimes. I told him that I have had to struggle with depression all of my life. I have come to learn that it is a biochemical imbalance or deficit combined with habitual negative thinking. I don't want to even get into the question of what comes first - the chicken or the egg - but I do know that the two factors feed off of each other to make one vicious monster!
I explained that I have experienced the depths of clinical depression--going to that place again scares me far worse than dying! I monitor my depression regularly. I treat it with medication (when needed) and by fighting it when I go too far off the spectrum into a really negative state of mind. I don't go off into Polly Sunshine land where I am on the OTHER end of the spectrum--but strive to keep a balance.
I told him that I am very concerned about him being depressed and beating himself up!!! I am concerned about him attributing all of these critical and negative thougths to what I MUST be thinking. Often--he couldn't be much farther from the truth.
Like the other day about the mall thing--thinking I didn't want to hang out with him. I told him that one of the things I have always valued so much about our R is that I can feel comfortable just hanging out with him when I am in a quiet or introspective mood (or even half-braindead ) and FEEL COMFORTABLE just hanging out with him. It is such a relief to me to be able to do that and not feel pressured to entertain him. I explained how much that meant to me and how I'd rather hang out with him doing nothing in particular than spend time with anyone else.
He may not talk a lot, but I can read his expressions like a book! While I told him all of this stuff--I saw a lot of pleasant surprise and pride.
I'm going to keep trying to go on in this mode--going for the Butterfly Effect.
I have been working at some new "180's". I have been concentrating on NO-OW or A talks - no "what I need" talks and focusing on tons of physical affection and affirmations. I don't express verbal affection as well as I would like to but I have been practicaly slathering it on.
Out of the blue today, Wolfie tells me that I am his "best friend, true-love and soulmate". I expressed a lot of gratitude for him telling me that. I hid the little grin and never said "what took you so long to figure out what was there all along?"
) and FEEL COMFORTABLE just hanging out with him. It is such a relief to me to be able to do that and not feel pressured to entertain him. I explained how much that meant to me and how I'd rather hang out with him doing nothing in particular than spend time with anyone else.