My old thread had been locked a few days ago and I really did not think of starting a new one until H comes back, but kitti, Pam and Kevinlost convinced me that it would not be a bad idea.
Brief summary: 4 months after getting back together, and with OW still in the picture (at least in the form of her physical presence in his office), I started to notice changes in my H's financial picture. He was changing addresses of driver's license and retirement accounts to his office or to OW's house... I took a stance and told him I could not live in deception, he needed to show a commitment and clear things up. He admitted he felt confused and 'boxed in,' and asked for time to go away alone and meditate... I was not exactly happy about a separation, even temporary, but agreed and we settled in two weeks to start after Christmas.
He left on December 26th. He left his car and most of his clothes home and only took his toothbrush and a small carryon suitcase. He did not say exactly where he was going or what his itinerary was, but gave me to understand that he was going to our old college town to revisit our old digs, then head into the mountains for some time alone with himself (there are quite a few old monasteries in the valleys that offer lodgings)...
He hugged me hard and told me he loved me when we left him in the airport and said he'd get somehow to our college town by Sun. I took it to mean he'd call from there, but he did not actually say anything about calling... It just did not occur to me he would not. He did call from Houston later that Friday to say he was boarding the other plane but he has not called since then... not even to check up on his daughter when I am not home...
I talked to his sister to wish her a happy New Year and she does not know where he is or how to contact him. His office is now open but the girls there (OW's daughters) say they do not know where he is and have no way to contact him. They also said he'd be out of town until 1/17th and out of the office until 1/19th.
In the mean time, I've made some accidental discoveries: back in Sept or Aug he bought the house OW lives in. And he apparently has a secret brokerage account with a different firm than the one we've always used...
Do not worry, Ellie: the joint accounts, joint credit card and joint savings are clean and above board...
So here I am, three days away from D-day... if he really intends to come back then. I had promised him I will not contact the attorney or proceed on the divorce until he returned 2 weeks later and intend to keep my word.
When he left, he had me thinking that he intended to come back and fix things between us... But after 12 days of total silence I am not so sure anymore. I even wonder whether this is his way out, just disappearing into the distance.
I just cannot understand, if he wanted to go and marry OW, why would he not tell me clearly and accept my very generous settlement offer...
And even if he comes back, opens up and wants to try, we need to set some very clear boundaries...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I would like to suggest you hold back on ASSumptions though. It sounds like his idea of time to think was off in the mountains all alone. Perhaps he's literally doing that?
It actually was pretty simple: I keep the house and its contents (except his clothes and some objects of sentimental value), he keeps the office and its contents, each of us keep our own retirement account and life insurance policy, I keep the money in the joint account, he keeps whatever he has in his office accounts; each of us assumes our debts.
As to custody: we keep joint legal custody but I have sole physical custody. He can come and visit her whenever he wants... (I cannot remember what my lawyer drafted exactly, but it was pretty usual, she said).
I don't want alimony or child support, except for him to continue to save what he has been putting in her college savings account every month. The account has always been in his name...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Opt, I'm so glad you started another thread! You need the support from the BB at this time.
Just know we are her for you no matter what happens. We must all hope for a happy ending.
Let's hope, he comes back clear headed. He sounds depressed and I think he knows he has to make some life decisions here. I am so sorry he has not contacted you. But, he needs to do this alone and he knows it.
Did he tell you he wasn't going to work one more week. Because you thought he would be coming home Saturday, right?
kevmic28 (11:19:55 AM): Listen to your heart... kevmic28 (11:20:39 AM): If your heart says its time to move on and give him up then do it, But if a little part of your heart says wait, then you have to follow your heart. optimistdb (11:21:24 AM): that little part of my heart is getting very sad and little... but there is still a small flicker of hope... kevmic28 (11:21:38 AM): Then wait.. kevmic28 (11:21:55 AM): as long as you have hope you cant move on.. kevmic28 (11:22:14 AM): But that cant stop you from covering your ass, with all the info you can get.. optimistdb (11:23:38 AM): you are right... "Then I look at my little girl's upturned nose and her big, trusting eyes when she looks at her Daddy (the guy who left her alone, the one who was not there when she was sick, the man who let her establish a friendship with OW and her family to totally cut off the connection when she let innocently escape that 'Dad is a baby because he sleeps with Mommy', the man for whom she cried herself to sleep many nights...) and I cannot do that to her. If it is only for her happiness, I owe her a try. A good honest try." optimistdb (12:20:58 PM): Hey, no low hits allowed!!! kevmic28 (12:21:30 PM): Your words..... No low blows from your own words.... kevmic28 (12:21:41 PM): That was your heart talking there..... optimistdb (12:22:05 PM): It is nearly the only reason that little thread of hope is still alive... kevmic28 (12:22:18 PM): Me too.... kevmic28 (12:22:36 PM): I dont want my son to grow up the way I did... My parents divorcedwhen I was5.. kevmic28 (12:23:09 PM): bouncing back and forth from Mom's house to Dads's every other weekend.. optimistdb (12:25:21 PM): I know. I do not want that for her either... kevmic28 (12:29:35 PM): Men are like hurt animals.. They crawl up in a quit dark place and lick their wounds.. Thats what he is doing by leaving. kevmic28 (12:30:16 PM): Put off the lawyer till the 16th.. kevmic28 (12:33:10 PM): When you do talk to him. Choose your words wisely... kevmic28 (12:33:25 PM): SIt down and write out your conversation... kevmic28 (12:33:48 PM): Write two conversations. One the way you wantit to be and the other the other.. kevmic28 (12:34:04 PM): This way you wont react thewrong way when you do talk... optimistdb (12:35:35 PM): OK optimistdb (12:36:05 PM): what do you think he'll do... allowing for the fact that you are getting only my version of facts... kevmic28 (12:37:01 PM): One thing I wanted to mention is that it took me almost three years to get over my mothers death and I shut my wife out while I was going through it. optimistdb (12:37:37 PM): and you are paying for it now... kevmic28 (12:37:37 PM): I think he will commit back to you but on his terms and not your terms.. kevmic28 (12:37:42 PM): Yes I am.. optimistdb (12:38:01 PM): you think i've been dictating terms to him? kevmic28 (12:38:16 PM): It was easier to shut down emotionally than it was to face thosepainful emotions.. kevmic28 (12:38:23 PM): Wel just the time limit.. optimistdb (12:39:38 PM): he told me he had compartmentalized his life during these three or four years of his mother's illness: one his mother and sis; one me and D; one, OW and office optimistdb (12:40:00 PM): He felt it was like three different familes, he says kevmic28 (12:40:22 PM): He was being pulled from everyone in every direction... optimistdb (12:40:39 PM): yes kevmic28 (12:40:43 PM): Of course there were. he couldntlet them all come together. kevmic28 (12:41:10 PM): The Ow was the escape from all his pain. optimistdb (12:42:07 PM): and she hung on to him... kevmic28 (12:42:26 PM): Yep. He became her security blanket.. optimistdb (12:43:25 PM): and she his... or he'd have kicked her out by now... kevmic28 (12:44:16 PM): No she is his mother figure... Welll his security blanket.. optimistdb (12:44:44 PM): His mother figure? kevmic28 (12:45:11 PM): of sorts yes... kevmic28 (12:45:31 PM): Older wiser person to give him advise... kevmic28 (12:45:40 PM): even if there arent wiser.. optimistdb (12:46:52 PM): Oh kevmic28 (12:47:37 PM): My W has the same.. This guy is a loser... conviced her that she was better off without me..
Just a reminder of our earlier talks. Keep writing.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Another reminder to self (stolen from treesa2's last thread a month ago). Just made me feel good and has lots of good ideas, so I thought I'd share it:
Quote: I am here to tell you it works. This year - after dropping the bomb on me three years ago, my H went out and planned a party for our 20th wedding anniversary! Three years ago, he was thinking about not being married anymore and doing the usual thingy... "I love you but I am not in love with you!" I was a basket case ya da ya da and all the other stuff you read here. I am here to tell you that DBing, along with any other tool kit you need does indeed work! Here's what I want to tell you.
1. It took you a while to get into the mess you're in now. It will take a you a looooong while to get out of it. Patience is an absolute necessity.
2. Check your pride at the door. It CAN be done with only person trying to save the R. I am a testament to that idea. Yeah... now my H is coming around, he even named the OW to my face one evening... a major breakthrough... and no... I didn't throw a left hook either.
3. Make the changes, look after yourself, stop stalking stop focusing on what you think is going on in the spouse's head. Focus on you.
4. Be positive whenever you are around the spouse. Make the changes you need to make. There is nothing like a 180 or two of three to confound someone who thinks you are predictable.
Things will happen. But... be prepared for the long haul. This is not an overnight thing. It does take time. He might move out, but he might come back.
Over and over we hear stories about how the WAS ends up regretting their actions months after. They finally lose their pride and think it's time to come home. And guess what... the spouse has moved on. THINK before deciding to move on. Especially if you have kids. They deserve BOTH parents.
My H drives me crazy sometimes, but I now react in a completely different way because I've learned that most times, it's not about me. Learning to NOT be selfish and self centred is a new way of thinking.
I went to my own pro marriage C who helped me learn some things about myself and my family which had an impact on how I lived our marriage. It wasn't easy to do, but it was a very necessary step. It does take two after all.
I've also learned that I have to be a little more...umm... available? shall we say. (ain't no sex starved marriage in my house) It was more of the usual working mother wife thing... too tired. I took Michele's advice and just started doin it! He'd do it every day twice if I let him, but I believe he's a lot happier and I am enjoying myself too. Yeah sure some days I am bushwhacked and I now tell him. We have a whole new level of communications now. So... although I am still wary about our R and I didn't buy a present or a card or anything for our 20th... I was pleasantly surprised by my H's thoughtfulness with the party he planned. It was a total surprise. We are coming together and we are a couple. We date at least once a week now... usually his ideas.
Every chance I get I am a prophet for marrriage and anti breakup. I did a Toastmaster Speech on the subject and did ruffle a few feathers... but helped some people too. I do some stuff in our church now with critical couples... and I think I'd like to do more.
Michele helped save my marriage along with the other steps I had to take. Every day I take care of my R. NOTHING is ever taken forgranted. If I ever see myself slipping to old ways again, I slap myself on the head and switch gears. Marriages are work. They need care and nurturing. I am only glad I found this out before it was waaaay too late. Take care folks... keep working. It can happen for you too. And above all... it's worth the effort you to do this. IT's worth the pain you feel if you come out ahead If you don't make it this time, you'll still be a better person the next time around.
TREE - aka treesa2
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I may be one of the last people you want to hear from but...
Quote: When he left, he had me thinking that he intended to come back and fix things between us... But after 12 days of total silence I am not so sure anymore. I even wonder whether this is his way out, just disappearing into the distance.
From a WAS perspective, I can see why he'd want some time to sort out his thoughts. I'm certain he's hurting and confused. I think this is probably his version of "cave time".
Quote: I just cannot understand, if he wanted to go and marry OW, why would he not tell me clearly and accept my very generous settlement offer...
He's the only one who can answer or understand that. It could very well be that it's not what he wants. If I'm remembering correctly, he's shutting-down his office??? If so, his entire life is in turmoil right now, and he's going to have difficulty sorting through everything.
Quote: I may be one of the last people you want to hear from but...
Actually, not. I do appreciate your opinion...
Quote: He's the only one who can answer or understand that. It could very well be that it's not what he wants. If I'm remembering correctly, he's shutting-down his office??? If so, his entire life is in turmoil right now, and he's going to have difficulty sorting through everything.
I know, CHL, and I understand his not wanting to talk to me; but I am having a lot of trouble understanding why he cannot call his daughter...
Anyway, just two days more! I can do this
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
