And since you are reading tea leaves , would you care to elaborate on this?
Quote: Also, H has pretty much told you he can't get rid of OW while you are still entangled in that aspect of old R... He doesn't have the space he needs to do it. Interesting, no?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Not a piecer myself, I look to getting my own D soon. I'm interested in how you found your happiness in spite of the process of the D that you're going through.
I suspect it has something to do with taking control of your life (and taking that control away from your WAS).
What are soem specific things that helped you accomplish that?
Any tips would be appreciated, as I'm having a down day and struggling to remind myself that life can and will be better.
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Set a boundary: how long will you wait for him to show you respect? Then, when he doesn't, it is your choice to experience that, not something he is imposing on you.... hmmmmm... do you see? ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could you provide an example please...this is just not sinking in...
----------------- Hey Cathy---
Ack! This is so hard to explain. If you would simply totally detach, all would be clear, LOL
OK, you have a job you're unhappy in. It looks like there will be an opportunity for the perfect job at the perfect place to work. But, they don't know... the most they will say is well, we will consider you IF a position opens up, but we have no idea when that might be, and, we can't promise anything even in that case...
Now, victim mode: I am stuck in this job I hate and its all their fault for jerking me around... how can they do this to me?
Detached mode: I am unhappy in my job, but this is an opportunity worth waiting for. I will give it three months, in the meantime, I will do what I can to make this job work for me. I understand that this is my choice. They are not hurting me, I am keeping myself in this job for my own reasons. I don't base this choice on unreasonable expectations of them, but on what makes sense for me now....
Ughhhhh. Does that help? It is so hard to explain...
Quote: And since you are reading tea leaves , would you care to elaborate on this?
Quote: Also, H has pretty much told you he can't get rid of OW while you are still entangled in that aspect of old R... He doesn't have the space he needs to do it. Interesting, no?
You wrote:
He has given me two different and probably complementary explanations: 1. She is still there because he does not want to 'lose everything', and specified me and his bussiness. 2. He wants to make sure that it does not happen again and needs to get rid of her in his terms and for himself, not because of me.
I was talking about #2 (aptly named, lol...) Unless you can detach from this and give H the space he needs, he can't figure out why it happened, let it go because he realizes it wasn't useful for whatever purpose it was supposed to serve, and feel comfortable, as a result, that it won't happen again...
It is just like losing weight, or quitting smoking, or stopping drinking for the other person. It doen't resolve the related issues in your own life. He needs to do it for HIM. Now, this doesn't mean you don't set your own boundaries, you do what you need to do for YOU. How do you do that and give him space? It's a tricksy one that. Maybe, "H, i realize this is something you need to resolve yourself for you. I need to respect myself at the same time, so I think I can do that by giving myself X months before I take a fresh look at our sitch and see where we are then.... or.... so, I think I can do that if I set some boundaries on our current R, right now I am not comfortable with physical intimacy...."
Who knows, lol... It is scary to just let go and see what happens... But, trying to get things to go your way by making the OW about you just gets in the way of him being able to do what he needs to...
At least, that's how it looks to me... It is a sticky wicket.
Hi there. I am very new here and could use lots of advice and support. I just read through your whole thread, Acorn, and you are one wise lady! You are extremely insightful and would appreciate you checking out my thread if you have a moment. Detatching has been extremely difficult for me - especially regarding OW, but once I let that go, detatching from all the old stuff (17 years worth) has gotten easier, but it continues to be an ongoing process. That's why I really think H and I are at a standstill in some ways R wise - he can't detatch from the past. We wholeheartedly were able to do that the first time he came back, but it was all so fast and I think baby steps this time might make things long lasting this time. I look forward to reading your words of wisdom - P
, would you care to elaborate on this? 
