Thanks Granite - it is nice to have other confirmation of the effects of AD's. My sit is simular too in that she was HD and I was LD and now things are reversed for us as well since my sexual drive is now high due to my Testosterone treatments and her's is low due to the AD's. However, I believe that when she told me that she should be off of the AD's by the Holidays and later after I commented on the role reversals and she told me that she would not be on the AD's forever, that she was asking me to be patient with her and wait - I believe she is worth the wait, but it is a very hard thing to do.
Quote: Thanks Granite - it is nice to have other confirmation of the effects of AD's. My sit is simular too in that she was HD and I was LD and now things are reversed for us as well since my sexual drive is now high due to my Testosterone treatments and her's is low due to the AD's. However, I believe that when she told me that she should be off of the AD's by the Holidays and later after I commented on the role reversals and she told me that she would not be on the AD's forever, that she was asking me to be patient with her and wait - I believe she is worth the wait, but it is a very hard thing to do.
Well, it certainly sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction.
Thanks to the ADs, I find that I'm no longer interested in initiating, nor am I upset if he doesn't initiate, although I won't turn him down if he does. Talk about doing a 180
The very best of luck in piecing your R back together. Sounds like you will definitely succeed.
Well yesterday we had no contact at all - no IM - no phone. And with the day before having the only contact like that of an ex wife rather than a girlfriend it makes me start to wonder. So today will be just random thoughts.
I had mentioned to her that now that the divorce was final she had gotten what she wanted and she asked me to stop saying that. I will not mention that to her again But, I can not stop believing it. After all she filed and continued til she got the final order. It was all her choice even after I showed her that my lack of sex drive was not because I did not love her but was because of my low hormones. Also, in the final order she asked for and got her old name back. The last name of her first ex who had had an affair on her. And she did not want to keep my last name, the name of someone who when she got the final order still loved her very much and who had not even thought of an affair.
guess I am just licking my wounds and feeling hurt. And it does hurt a lot. After seeing Michele bit on 20/20 on the men being LD and the effect on the marriage, I know that my lack of sexual desire hurt her a lot as well, but I do not know if she knows how much the final order hurt me. I know it is just a piece of paper and does not represent my feelings toward her, but it does show her feelings toward me.
Maybe she is just going through a post divorce let down and needs time to be alone and think about what she did and what she wants. She has also just gone through the change of life thing, hot flashes, mood swings, etc. But from what I hear her say that stopped a few months ago. Don’t know if there are any residual effects though. And she is also in the MLC thing so she has a lot going on in her head. I am glad we had a really good time after the hearing so she can compare that to no contact. I just hope that she does not start to feel so guilty about it that she feels that I could not ever love her again.
When I was getting ready for my backpacking trip it came up in conversation that I had 2 of almost everything (backpacks, sleeping bags, etc) and she replied that I was ready to take someone else. I said that when she was ready to let me know - her unexpected response was “OK”. I later asked her if she was serious and she said yes - when she felt better (from her strep throat) Well on Tuesday I suggested that for her birthday (Nov, 8) that she might like to go back to the Bed and Breakfast we went to for her first birthday after our marriage. She thanked me for the offer but said she did not feel she would be ready then and that I should not get any reservations as she did not want me to go alone. Well, in thinking about that I felt that I might just want to go anyway, even if I do go alone. The lodge is on top of a big hill overlooking the Smoky Mountains and it is very relaxing. I have reserved the room for the weekend after her birthday (I am still taking her out for dinner on her birthday). The cost for one is the same as for two so if she wants to go then of course she will be welcome but either way I am going.
I am thinking that when she goes on her sister trip cruise next weekend that I will go over to her house (with her knowledge of course) to do more cleaning up of my stuff. But I will get a couple of hired labor guys to help me move everything of mine that is still in her house and garage to the shed and anything of hers in the shed move back to the garage. That way it will be totally done when she gets back from the cruise and she can then “have her house back”.
I do not know and the waiting is very hard - we will see if she IM’s or calls today, I will not pursue though - she asked me for the divorce and wanted me out so I feel she needs to ask me back. I just have to be the kind of a man that she would want to come back to.
Granite - from how she responded Tuesday at the lake and movie and especially in her driveway, and also from some things she did before Tuesday, I feel that she likes my subtle sexual hints and innuendos and the physical contacts (foot rubs, back rubs, neck rubs, holding hands, hugs, etc) but when it start getting her worked up some she will pull away while telling me that she enjoyed it. I wonder if she wants me to really pursue her?
Quote: guess I am just licking my wounds and feeling hurt. And it does hurt a lot.
You bet it does. And you need to take some time to 'lick your wounds.' It's normal. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Quote: I feel that she likes my subtle sexual hints and innuendos and the physical contacts (foot rubs, back rubs, neck rubs, holding hands, hugs, etc) but when it start getting her worked up some she will pull away while telling me that she enjoyed it. I wonder if she wants me to really pursue her?
From what you've written, it sounds like your XW is going through a lot of mental, emotional and physical changes right now and it doesn't suprise me that one days she's one way and the next day, another.
From reading your other messages *I* think the goals you've set for yourself and for piecing the R back together are good ones. Just don't get sidetracked. If she does't contact you today or tomorrow, she's probably doing as you are: licking her wounds.
You've done so well, so far. And you do have a reason to contact her, letting her know you will be at the house while she's gone.
yes there will be reason to contact her anyway - I am puppy sitting while she is gone so I will have to see her to pick up "Buster" Also Cindy's Secretary/bookkeeper still does my payroll for my office staff and I will need to go over at least twice a month to pick them up and I will need to get my next checks before I can pick up Buster so there will be at least 2 times that I will have to see her before she goes. She offered to mail them but I told her that she was not going to take away a perfectly good reason to come see her.
Well - she did the IM first thing this am. I responded to her "how are you" by saying "great - I had a very good day yesterday" - I also set up to go over to pick up my office checks next Tuesday or Wednesday and we will do dinner then. That will be one week without any visits - hope she starts to get kinda lonely by then but that will likely take a lot longer. Also she is ok with me cleaning out the rest of my stuff while she is on the trip. I do not know, however, if she realizes that it will ALL be gone. I do not know what effect her seeing nothing (or almost nothing) of mine around might have on her though.
I agree. You need to give her a little time to adjust to the change and even miss you. She may find out that once she got what she wanted she does not like it . It is a temporary measure anyway, since you are going to puppy sit for her.
Keep your PMA up, Bob. You are having a very normal let down reaction after all the stress you've been through.
And no, life is not fair. And the people we hurt most are the ones that love us most: they are so much more vulnerable.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Hi Bob, As you hold on tight right now to all the patience you have, know my heart and support continue to go with you!
As painful as this is, your ability to stay distant and be very sensitive toward giving her space is amazing! Your attractive qualities have brought her closer to you. And you are maintaining calm when she backs off.
I am wondering if you have given her any sense that you are accepting the D and are moving on? Or does your W believe you will always still be there for her? Have you given her any reason to wonder if she may lose you?
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Thanks Laurie for keeping me in your thoughts and following my thread.
Quote: I am wondering if you have given her any sense that you are accepting the D and are moving on? Or does your W believe you will always still be there for her?
With so much happening I seem to have forgotten to post the part about the bed and breakfast, so a little background before responding to that quote.
Just after we were married I took Cindy to a real nice B&B on top of a small mountain near the Smoky Mountains with great views of the park and valley. Very relaxing and romantic.
I posted this several days ago
Quote: while getting my camping gear ready to go on Friday afternoon I IM-ed W to ask if she knew where we had a tarp and she said she would look - after awhile she IM back that she had found it along with a sleep pad. I told her that I had two of them already but that I did need the tarp. I then told her that I had 2 of almost everything, backpacks, sleeping bag, pad, cook kits, and that my tent was a 2 man tent. She responded that I was ready to take someone else then and I said whenever you are ready just let me know - her supprising response was ““ok””.
Well, Tuesday during our talks after the hearing I suggested to her that rather than going camping and sleeping on the ground, etc. we might go back to the B&B. I had already checked online and they did have rooms available for her birthday. She said that she was not quite ready for a weekend with me yet and that I should not reserve the room as she did not want me to have to go alone. I dropped that topic for then. But, later I was thinking that the B&B was such a nice relaxing place that I really would not mind going by myself so I reserved a room anyway, (but for the week following her birthday as we still had plans for me to take her to dinner then)
Today when she did her IM it thanked her for her suggestion about going by myself and that I had reserved a room and was going anyway. I did tell her that the room was the same price for one or two and if she changed her mind the invite was still open but there was no pressure and I was going no matter what. Going without her would be a 180 for me and even on the IM I think it took her by surprise. And I hope give her the idea that I am doing things with or without her.
Quote: Have you given her any reason to wonder if she may lose you?
Right after I started with the DBing she had made the statement that after the D she did not think that she would ever get remarried. At first I said the same thing about me, but later told her that I had changed my mind. I told her that in my readings I had learned that happily married couples are healthier, live longer, are happier, do better at work and just better off in all other areas as well and that I thought that since God put a man and a woman on the earth in the beginning that it was better to have a mate and that after I had fully learned who I was and had put myself on the road to a better me, then I would look for someone special to share that with and if it was not her then it would be someone else. This conversation was now over a month ago and with all the stress and worry of the D it really seems to be 6 or 8 months ago. I am sure it seems the same to her so it is really time to do that conversation again. However, again as I posted several days ago,
Quote: ... I believe that when she told me that she should be off of the AD's by the Holidays and later after I commented on the role reversals and she told me that she would not be on the AD's forever, that she was asking me to be patient with her and wait - I believe she is worth the wait, but it is a very hard thing to do.
I also believe that her statement also said she fully intended to ML with me again. So, while I can not wait forever, and she does need to know that, I will wait some. While I am waiting, I will be supportive and patient.
And with the day before having the only contact like that of an ex wife rather than a girlfriend it makes me start to wonder. So today will be just random thoughts.
