Quote: We're going to counseling next Weds.; please keep your fingers crossed for us.
CO:
My fingers are all crossed for you!! Here's hoping your progress continues in a foreward manner. Please keep us posted. I'm going to be away on business for 2 weeks. Don't know how easy it will be for me to post, but I will definitely be reading.
Well, we had our first counseling session. It did serve to bridge the gap in our desire level...I don't have any desire at all for my H right now, and I'm the HD person in our relationship. He actually tried to initiate sex that evening, and I told him NO. He doesn't even need a hand to count the number of times I've ever told him NO in the 4 years we've been together; it just isn't something I do.
I've always told him that he put everyone else (friends and family) before me, and he's always denied it. The counselor immediately picked up on him bringing the "group" into "us" as he was talking. So, stopping that is his first assignment.
He was talking about his dad and said that his dad was his BEST FRIEND. I felt like I had been slapped at that point. I have supported him and been there for him in every way (financially and otherwise) over the last 4 years. His dad abandoned the family (wife and 3 kids) when my H was around 9. My H didn't really have his dad back in his life until he was around 19. His dad was an alcoholic and eventually sought treatment, going on to become a drug and alcohol counselor. My H and his dad talk usually once a week, but my FIL hasn't done anything to deserve the designation of BEST FRIEND. I can understand that my H has made peace with his dad not being there and has been able to forgive him; I can also understand that he would admire that his dad was able to turn his life around. I guess my H considers being abandoned something to value. The fact that I've been there for him in every way is evidently NOT something that he values. Of course, I immediately said (in counseling) how much that hurt me. My H started backtracking to say that a wife was much better than a best friend, but it was too late. Since he obviously does not appreciate anything that I've done over the years, I am not inclined to do much now. I also do not want his touch...I'm sure he doesn't even care about that and is probably very happy.
We have our next session next week...it should be interesting. I don't know that I can ever understand my H's reasoning or forgive my H for basically saying that I'm not important to him. At least I've finally quit crying after 3 days straight.
Quote: We have our next session next week...it should be interesting. I don't know that I can ever understand my H's reasoning or forgive my H for basically saying that I'm not important to him. At least I've finally quit crying after 3 days straight.
CO: You've taken the first step in the right direction. Please don't give up. It's only been one session. Most find it takes a good many sessions to show a change. Please keep an open mind and keep going.
Barbara (on the road and not able to post as much)
Quote: I don't know that I can ever understand my H's reasoning or forgive my H for basically saying that I'm not important to him.
basically what he said was that his dad is his best friend and that is all he said. You are giving more meaning to that statement than is warrented. Simply because you would choose to use the designation of "best friend" for ones spouse, does not mean that h uses the same designation...try not to be offended when someone uses their meaning of words by ASSuming that they give those words the same meaning you do.
I waited until after our 2nd counseling session to reply to this...I wanted to make sure that I was not actually assuming. The counselor validated that my H is putting others in front of US; he proceeded to do the same in our 2nd session. She pointed the instances out to him in our session - not once but several times. He is incapable of focusing on our relationship at this point in time; we can't even discuss, in counseling, our relationship without him bringing other people into it. Everything my H said was concerned with the feelings of others (his dad, his brother, his mom, his 8 year old nephew and that's just the first 2 sessions AND not all of his family) with no regard for the bond we're supposed to have as husband and wife.
I think the counselor telling him that he does this, aside from me pointing it out for years, was a huge wake-up call for him. He did apologize to me. However, he still insists that he really is not doing this AND is only saying things that make it appear that way. Sigh.
Cogal you have had a rough time and you have been hurt so no wonder you are upset and angry. That's OK but what you have to do is get past it. If you hold on to it you are only going to feel worse.
Your H is far from perfect, but so is everybody. We have all made countless mistakes, we have all been cruel and foolish at some point. Look at your own behaviour honestly and you will see that much of what has gone wrong in your relationship is down to you. I know you have tried your best and done what you thought was right, but did it always turn out how you hoped? Its not what you wanted, but it just happened so now you have to work out a better way. And so does your H. This was not what he wanted either.
I think you H is worse at relationships than you, he has some problems empathising with your feelings, he is probably not very good at communicating. Maybe that is a character flaw but he did not choose to be this way. He did not choose to have Low desire levels. He did not do any of this stuff to hurt you. Having read these boards you must see that a lot of people are LD and it is not a reflection on their partners. This is just the way they are made up. You really have to stop taking it so personally.
Forgiving him is not going to be easy for you. But if he has to look critically at his behaviour and change so do you. You allowed it to get this bad before you did anything about it. You allowed yourself to believe his ld was because you are undesirable. I think you are chosing to believe he does not really love you despite all the evidence to the contrary.
I am not saying these things to hurt you. But I think you need to stop looking at your H as your enemy. This is someone you love and the only way you will save your marriage is together. You will have to give him support, encouragement and tell him things not leave him to try and read your mind. You can't do all that if you keep hating him for not being what you wanted. Accept him for what he is and teach him how to be what you need.
And if you feel you need a hug right now I bet he needs one too so you know what to do.
I absolutely do not HATE my H. I love him very much as I tell him frequently (he does the same). I am, however, not liking him very much right now. We also talk about everything...our problem is not about keeping our feelings bottled up. We communicate very well together.
The counselor has only validated that which I already know and have pointed out to my H constantly - that everyone else comes before our relationship. He can't even talk about our relationship as just US and must always bring other people into it. The counselor pointed out that we likely have very different value systems. She also said that my H appears to have a problem with setting boundaries with his family and friends, which results in their feelings being considered before even thinking about our relationship as husband and wife.
We've got much ground to cover before we can even address the LD/HD issues.
Quote: The counselor pointed out that we likely have very different value systems. She also said that my H appears to have a problem with setting boundaries with his family and friends, which results in their feelings being considered before even thinking about our relationship as husband and wife.
We've got much ground to cover before we can even address the LD/HD issues.
Girl, these ARE your LD/HD issues. This is the elusive WHY you have been searching for. What the above sentence your shrink gave you is saying is: The (ABOVE ISSUE) in the mix of you and your H, is why your LD/HD issue is happening.
No, I guess I'm not really seeing the connection here. I know what the counselor said is definitely an issue, but I'm not tying it in with the LD/HD problem. Maybe I'm just too close to the situation. Would you mind elaborating? Thanks.
Hi I am glad if what I said was a little over the top as this must mean your R is in a better state than the idea I took from your posts. That's great.
Just because your H prioritises his family above you does not mean he loves you less than them. He has said this is not so as well. This is how he feels he should behave. Perhaps putting his duty to his family above his own selfish needs. If he was abandoned as a child maybe this is why he would feel this way. I am just guessing here. What do you think?
Here's hoping your progress continues in a foreward manner. Please keep us posted. I'm going to be away on business for 2 weeks. Don't know how easy it will be for me to post, but I will definitely be reading. 
