Feeling hopeless

[bkerchik]

Interesting weekend. I work up on Saturday and my wedding ring was broke. The wrap band had been cracked for awhile and it and the solder finally broke. I was a mess. Do I even bother to fix it. I was a real mess. H gasped when he saw it. That was it. Fortunately I had decided the night before I was biking in the morning. Forced myself to go. Cried through the first couple of miles. But I felt SO much better when I was done. Really cleared my head. I decided I was getting it fixed I didn’t care what h thought. Not sure that was the right thing, but h only kind of scoffed when I told him the cost. That was all he said. Don’t know what he expected me to do. D17 noticed right away and asked why I was wearing my plain band (h got it for me to wear for work).

Sunday was more of a mess. Said he was going to play golden tee. Stupid golf game he’s addicted to. Turns out he may have played but also went to a mutual friend’s bday party. Didn’t even tell me about it. I only found out because he was tagged on Facebook. That hurt a lot. A lot.

And today he headed out early to play golf and disappeared for the rest of the day. Makes me wonder how I can do this sometimes. Not sure what I expected. He’s never home. Then he gets home and pretends everything is fine. Sometimes I feel sad for him, like what’s going through his head. Maybe nothing. I know guys think differently and I’m probably always thinking the worst.

Just a tough weekend. Thank goodness for my bike and the D’s.

[bkerchik]

Feeling better today… for now. I think because our 25th wedding anniversary is Tuesday that I’m really up and down. Just another day right?

So, apparently the lease has been cancelled. I looked at the checking account this morning and there is a deposit from the property management group. Looks like it just cleared. H hasn’t said a word about it. I feel like I should give him the opportunity to tell me? Yes/no? And how long do I give him? He knows I can see it. I don’t get why he wouldn’t just tell me when he found out.

[job]

I wouldn't say a word about the lease being cancelled. He may tell you and then again, he may remain quiet to see if you are going to ask. Don't ask.

I am glad you are getting your ring repaired. He may have been waiting to see if you were going to continue on and not have it repaired. He's definitely not sure about his situation. Lots of stuff for him to think about.

He is like a teenager. Says he's going to do something and then later does something else, i.e., like attend a party and not tell "mom". Don't take it personally...this is just a part of him growing up. He craves independence and yet, there are times he wants you "mom" to know what he is doing.

Trust me, there is no way that you can absolutely figure his head out. Why? Because he doesn't know what he's going to do one minute to the next. This is a very emotional journey for him and he has to work through all of his issues before he becomes a mature man who is settled in his own skin.

Don't second guess yourself. I think you are doing great with him still living under the same roof with you. It takes a lot of patience to deal with a man/child.

[bkerchik]

So I did ask..but it was more like hey it’s almost June are we going to have to pay rent? Of course I got the answer I should have expected. Oh I didn’t tell you I’m so sorry. I could have swore I told you. Blah blah blah. Part of me wants to believe him, part of my doesn’t believe him.

Went to D19’s boyfriend’s baseball game on Saturday. Beautiful day! Of course we get home and h is gone. Where’s dad? I said probably playing golden tee or something. That was a guess, I had no idea. He comes home in time to grill dinner. Then after the kids leave he announces that he is going back to play more tee. He didn’t. I can see the charges, that’s not where he went. I don’t comment. When he leaves he says he’s won’t be home late. That’s one of the things we used to fight about. I said you do you. No argument.

Sunday I go to church with D17 and get home and h says he’s going golfing and to watch a band. Have fun. I deep cleaned a ton of the house because all the furniture was moved since we had someone do some painting. He got home for dinner and was just crabby. I don’t remember the comment he said but I agreed with him. He started arguing with me like I didn’t. I’m like h stop I agree with you. He finally stopped. Seriously???

The teenager thing certainly rang true to me this weekend. I so wanted to tell him to grow the H$!! Up. I kind of had a thought a church too. Through all this no matter how hard it is I need to be the lighthouse. I was also in the middle of cleaning and all of a sudden I’m like why am I doing this? And I could truthfully say it was for me and the girls. I’ve always said those things to myself but I felt different this time. Is that weird?

I feel like he’s just trying to piss me off. Just trying to get in an argument. Is that what they do?

[DnJ]

Good Morning bk

Oh yes, these lost folks will push your buttons and try to goad you into a fight/argument. Very much like a teenager, not wanting to take responsibility for their behaviours that lead to problems.

I loved how you preempted H’s rant by agreeing with him. Still, you had to stop him and point that out. They aren’t really listening, more assuming your response and looking for a fight.

H is being driven emotionally. He will act and argue based upon that. It is infuriating how immune they are to logic and reason. H will say the sky is red, and no amount of explaining, or arguing, or anything will make him see the truth.

Not taking his bait to these attempts at conflict is excellent, and difficult to do. H will likely ramp up his attempts. It’s part teenage rebellion, testing your changes, testing your boundaries, seeing if you’ll accept him, how far he can push, trying to make you the bad guy, and so on. Validate where you can, and let him be. Don’t get dragged into his world/fight.

Boundaries. Lots of times their need for conflict continues to increase and the LBS must implement boundaries. Premeditated action you will take if/when H is disrespectful, swearing, overly argumentative, and such. Like you did with him arguing, a direct statement, followed by immediate action. Example: “H, I’m willing to discuss with you. But when you swear and yell, I will leave the room.” And do it. A boundary must be rock solid. And yes, H will test it.

I was also in the middle of cleaning and all of a sudden I’m like why am I doing this? And I could truthfully say it was for me and the girls. I’ve always said those things to myself but I felt different this time. Is that weird?

Not at all. Sounds like a nice moment of clarity.

Have a great day.

D

[bkerchik]

Well I made it through our 25th wedding anniversary. I cried pretty much everywhere I could without being seen. Nothing was said. Just a day. I expected that. Kids either didn’t remember or didn’t say anything. I’m Shute there are cards in the mail. I’m not checking the mail. It’s hard knowing that was once such a big deal is now just another day.

Interesting insights since my last post an some questions…

1. I realized that the only time this weekend that h tried arguing with me he was drinking. Which he’s been doing a lot. I know shocker. Otherwise he is just his normal self, like nothings changed.

2. The wine is now home. Do I drink it? I really don’t want to but I kinda do. But I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.

3. I went to clean the drain (D’s hair, you know what I’m talking about) the other day. This is usually h’s job. Well I’m not waiting around for him to do things anymore. I’m just doing them. He’s says what are you doing I can take care of that. (In a nice voice) I said well you’re busy. He says that’s silly let me do this. What’s gotten into you lately? Hmm okay.

4. H says he’s staying the summer. That means that we go on family vacation together. It’s going to be so hard going there knowing I might never have that again. Anyway, it’s still over a month away, but some things like boarding the dog need to be done now. Do I bring it up? Do I just take care of it like I always would? The cabin we stay at doesn’t have everything we need so we have to take a lot with us. I usually do all that packing. Do I tell that h that it’s on him now?

Bizzaro world continues…

[job]

The drinking a lot is not a shocker. He is self-medicating. Hoping that the alcohol will make him feel better. We all know that it won't. He will try many different things to try to feel better. Until he hits that brick wall and discovers that happiness comes from within, he will be experimenting with different things.

You are learning very quickly to not wait on him to do things. One thing, be sure to thank him when he does do something. They are starved for validation and attention, i.e., just like teenagers.

I would go ahead and do whatever you need to do to get ready for vacation. When he sees you doing these things, he may very well volunteer to do them. If he does, thank him. Try to remember that teenagers are more willing to do things if they volunteer versus being asked or told.

Hang in there.

[DnJ]

Good Morning bk

That self medicating - looking for external happiness - takes many forms. Drinking, drugs, spending money, thrill seeking, fast cars, illegal and illicit behaviours, affairs, etc. The rush they get from their current running behaviour usually gets old fast and they spin off to a new one.

2. The wine is now home. Do I drink it? I really don’t want to but I kinda do. But I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.

Don’t make a big deal out of it, or read to much meaning in to things. It’s just wine, treat it as such. Try it. If you like it, enjoy it. (Moderately. Alcohol can mess up our path, view, of things pretty quick when we are so hurt and confused. H is living proof, right?)

4. H says he’s staying the summer. That means that we go on family vacation together. It’s going to be so hard going there knowing I might never have that again. Anyway, it’s still over a month away, but some things like boarding the dog need to be done now. Do I bring it up? Do I just take care of it like I always would? The cabin we stay at doesn’t have everything we need so we have to take a lot with us. I usually do all that packing. Do I tell that h that it’s on him now?

I’d arrange boarding the dog, like you always did. I’d keep H in the loop. Kind and cordial.

The vacation is a month away. Plenty “could” happen between now and then. What actually will happen, time will tell. Point is, expectations. Dial your expectations to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentments.

H could go along with everything. The planning and packing and such all being smooth. H could also flip direction and do a last minute “I’m not going”. Either way, whatever happens, you and the daughters are going on vacation! (Hopefully, Dad’s coming along.) That’s your mindset. So, do things, make plans, that way. Without relying on H’s involvement, attendance, or actually doing a certain part of the plan (like arranging boarding of dog).

Folks in emotional turmoil have the attention span of a gnat. They will promise all manner of stuff and “blink” forget about it the next moment. Ensure you do what you need to get done. And that’s not just for going on vacation. Bills, picking someone up, shopping, etc: H is presently flaky, it’s best to ensure needed things happen regardless of his actions or inactions.

As for packing: Keep H in the know and let him do his own packing. “Hey H, I got the dog boarding looked after and working on getting the dishes and bedding (or whatever joint/family items it is) gathered up. I’ll leave your packing to you.”

Have a great day bk.

D

[grok]

Well I made it through our 25th wedding anniversary. I cried pretty much everywhere I could without being seen. Nothing was said. Just a day.

Hey bk,

Some days those feels are a gut punch. over and over. you let it all out. for it IS an enormous loss. then get back to finding / figuring out what is YOUR paradise.

A little Regge this time for your feels and contemplation.

Paradise - Stick Figure

I wonder where the wind it blows
The reason why it blows so cold
...
When all the rain keep falling down
The world don't stop from spinning round
What's in your heart, it's hard to find
But getting lost is being found
I hope I can find my paradise

And I hope I find my paradise
(echo)And I hope I find my paradise(echo)

g

[bkerchik]

Another interesting thing happened last week. H got home Thursday night about 10:30…drunk. D19 and her boyfriend were in the kitchen when he came home. He said hi, looked at his phone, chuckled, answered it, and walked outside to take the call. When he came in d19 asked who it was. He said my brother called me. D19 told me about it. Mom I know he was lying about someone calling him because I saw him answer the phone. She also said that she didn’t think it was his brother. She didn’t know who it was. Well I can guess. She’s really starting to call him out on stuff.

Then D17 went to the library sat to get some homework done. I asked h if he could pick her up when she was done so I could go to D19’s bf’s baseball game. Sure h said no problem. He gets home with her (I assumed she was working the whole time) and she’s pissed. He made her sit there for an hour so he could finish playing golden tee. And he acts like she’s over reacting. I was pissed but vented to a friend.

It’s like he’s just begging for a fight over stupid things. I don’t get it. And I still don’t get why he wouldn’t tell me about the lease. So frustrating.

But I did get me ring back and it looks brand new!