Feeling hopeless

[MamaG]

Hi. I’m heartbroken to see you have joined an unpopular club. A warm club nonetheless. People here are really great.

I just wanted to share with you that I agree that crying at church is acceptable. I found myself a new church (building) with very dim lighting. I wear my long hair down and allow it to cover my face so that no one else can see it. I’ve cried at many masses. It’s ok. Sending you hugs from afar.

[bkerchik]

The fundraiser was amazing. Had a blast with our (maybe soon to be my) friends. H wanted to leave before most people and I didn’t want to go yet. So I got a ride from a friend. I never would have done that before.

But now I’m back grieving. I almost started crying today at the gym. Thankful I ran into my trainer (he knows what’s going on) and we talked a bit and made me feel better. Don’t worry about him being an OM. I’m old enough to be his mom. He’s a good kid and he and my workout partner take care of me.

Anyway.. I think I’m having a hard time getting this June 7th date out of my head. That and for some reason I’m feeling like I need to apologize for my share of this. After BD I apologized profusely, but never anything specific. Is this even a good idea?

And I’m just sad you know. I know you guys do. I can’t thank you guys enough for your support.

[DnJ]

Good Morning bk

I’m glad you enjoyed the fundraiser. Good job remaining there even though H wanted to, and did, leave.

I think I’m having a hard time getting this June 7th date out of my head. That and for some reason I’m feeling like I need to apologize for my share of this. After BD I apologized profusely, but never anything specific. Is this even a good idea?

I’d suggest not apologizing further. You’ve already apologized. Leave it be.

If something “specific” comes up, and it has credence, certainly own your part and give a sincere apology. Once. Do not want to beat it to death.

When other blames come up, things you are not culpable for, let them slide. No need to fight to try to get H to see your side. Just validate his feelings and move on. “H, I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Go about becoming your best version of yourself. Fix your side of the street. Whatever you apologized for, make changes. Make them permanent. Do them for you. Become bkerchik2.0. A woman only a fool would leave.

Don’t tell H of your changes and work. He won’t believe it anyhow. Besides it’s for you. Just leave him to notice your positive changes.

Leave the topic of June 7th alone. (I mean no talks/pleading with H, not living in denial.) Focus on you. Get organized and prepared. There will be two households. H has stated he is serious about this. Ensure you have things in order for you and the kids.

D

[job]

I agree w/DnJ. You do not need to apologize again. You have already done it previously. Continue to work on you. You do not need to tell him of your changes and what you are working on. Trust me, he wouldn't believe you...but stay quiet about them...for he will begin to see those changes and he will then test you to see if those changes are real or if you are just trying to win him back.

Be the best that you can be and be pleased and proud of your changes. It's sad that we all have to go through on this journey, but it does make us stronger and we do come out the other side far wiser and happier with ourselves.

I also agree that June 7th should not be your focus. In fact, that day, have you considered not being home when he packs or will you remain there to ensure he doesn't take things that he shouldn't? Sure, it is going to be sad, but the tension in your home will lessen once he has left home and to go to his new place. He's like a young man moving out of his parents' home for the first time. He'll be excited and I can assure you that feeling will not last long. He may surprise you be at your home more than you think.

For now, keep the focus on you and your family. Keep working out and it's okay to talk to a close friend about the situation. Hang in there!

[bkerchik]

So this will be interesting. School doesn’t end until June 11th. So if he does tell the D’s before that our D(17) will have to go through finals with that knowledge. Not sure what he’ll do there. I’m not bringing it up.

Moving. I’d hadn’t thought about it much. I will not help him pack or move. If the D’s want to help that will be up to them. I’m sure there will be things that we will need to discuss what stays and what goes. Do I make him take all his crap? I’ve been taking pictures of all his band equipment so I have asset records. Lots of money there.

So eventually, maybe, if he does come around do I let him? I need to read DR again.

[grok]

Hey bkerchik,

Get riding! and let us know how it goes. I was always the mountain bike type. I started up again after BD...though often riding it on street rides. LOL. A new friend I made introduced me to Critical Mass night time group rides and from their I branched out.

That and for some reason I’m feeling like I need to apologize for my share of this. After BD I apologized profusely, but never anything specific. Is this even a good idea?

I’d suggest not apologizing further. You’ve already apologized. Leave it be.

If something “specific” comes up, and it has credence, certainly own your part and give a sincere apology. Once.

I agree w/DnJ. You do not need to apologize again. You have already done it previously.

^THIS^

Though let me add another reason. Which I only understood many many months later.

I was ...

BARGANING

Behind my apologizing for every hurt identified by my XW was multiple motives. One of which was bargaining. A covert contract attempt. ...if I make her know I'm sorry, she will give our M another chance...

Was it right to apologize? Yes for the elements I was responsible for...but only those. Also, it won't be believed unless accompanied by behavior changes ... again that are done for yourself ... or again it's bargaining.

Behind all that was also the disentangling of her claimed hurts... which she was processing/feeling through the lens of an EA+? Understanding what is truely my problems to work on and what were the distortions an extramarital relationship brings. It has been a slow process as in the beginning I trusted every word she spoke.

g

[bkerchik]

H decided he wanted to have an “update today”. The lease will begin on June 9th. He had the date wrong. He’s signing it. When he told me it sounded like a question. So I asked. Are you asking me or telling me. Well I guess I’m telling you. He does want to tell the girls until after school is over…good. H also mentioned that he hates bring this stuff up because he knows how much pain it causes me. I told him we were a little past him hurting me. I don’t know if that was the right thing. He also mentioned how much anxiety this is causing him. I don’t remember what I said but tried to emphasize. Any recommendations there? I didn’t want to say sorry to hear that. He’s causing his own anxiety. (Which I recently found out he’s been struggling with for awhile, never told me). He wears quite the mask. Also wants to have a consult with a mediation lawyer next week.

I didn’t cry even though I really want to. Now I probably will, but not in front of him. I was calm. No yelling, complaining or anything like that. He was probably surprised.

He also mentioned that he would be living with only a few things because he needs to save money. Ha. Since when? Obviously I didn’t say that just listened. And that he would take him some time to move out. I have no idea what that means and I didn’t ask.

One thing that’s been weird lately is that he keeps calling himself stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. He has while he’s been working and last night after getting home from a trip he said it after complaining about his hotel room. And he came home day early. Says he’s sick. Sorry throat. Don’t know what to believe. Anyway not reading into it I just think it’s weird.

I still feel like I’m going all the wrong things. Giving space, only bring up D stuff, only talking when he brings stuff up. Not getting emotional…in front of him.

Thanks for listening!

[DnJ]

Good Morning bk

I was calm. No yelling, complaining or anything like that. He was probably surprised.

Good for you!

Be a grey rock when dealing with him.

He also mentioned how much anxiety this is causing him. I don’t remember what I said but tried to emphasize. Any recommendations there? I didn’t want to say sorry to hear that. He’s causing his own anxiety. (Which I recently found out he’s been struggling with for awhile, never told me).

It’s ok to let his statements go without comment. There was no question that needed answering.

H is not acting like a husband, doesn’t want to be part of things with you, so he loses you as an emotional support person. He needs to feel the loss.

Also wants to have a consult with a mediation lawyer next week.

Be business-like.

I’m not a fan of this idea of some nicey nice mediation process. Separation/divorce rips apart families and the martial union. Society and the legal system has become frighteningly efficient and effective at divorce. Ensure you don’t get swept along in this misguided hurried effort.

Personally, I’d have my lawyer just respond to my spouse’s lawyers written terms. Negotiating back and forth until a settlement is reached. Really don’t need a third party mediator as the law is pretty clear. Basically everything is 50/50. That is the starting point. Going forward from there most things are able to be negotiated or even waived, aside from a few mandatory items.

Mediation hides the carnage and pain the leaving spouse is causing. It allows them to sidestep their feelings of being the bad guy. Provides a layer of insulation for accountability and responsibility. They can fall back on “well, you were there, and this is what we came up with”.

There is no “we” here. You don’t want a divorce. You are getting dragged along. So, let H do the heavy lifting! “H, I’m not going to mediation. Have your lawyer send my lawyer your signed written proposal and I’ll review it. If it is acceptable, I’ll sign.”

The long and short of it: You cannot stop a divorce. If H wants out, he can.

However, you can control what you do. What process you’ll follow. Make H craft a fair reasonable (or better) settlement and send it to your lawyer.

People do tend to get panicked when lawyers get involved. The truth, lawyers are going to need to get involved at some point. I think of my L as who he is: A legal expert. Someone who knows the law.

I’m fairly intelligent. Yet, during my divorce I was a mess. I’d have likely made some bad deals if I’d not had my L. Also, the myriad of legal items and rights and such with undoing a marriage was astounding. Seriously, there were over a dozen items I’d never even heard of.

An example, homestead act. This gives each partner a life time estate in the marital home (the homestead). It’s for protection of the family and the spouse. They cannot be evicted, even if the house is solely owned by the other partner. You can see how this right needs to be waived during a divorce if one is buying the other out. If they won’t waive, then the house has to be sold and proceeds split. And if you miss getting this waived, it prevents future sale as the ex-spouse has rights to the homestead. That would be a bad position to get one’s self into.

As an aside, that is the position OM has likely gotten himself into. (They are considered common law married.) XW cannot be evicted from his home. Ever. If OM were to die, his son would inherit the home. And not be able to sell it as XW is protected to live there for as long as she wishes to.

These legal minefields exist. In this particular case, a “before they move in” cohabitation agreement is needed, or rental agreement. A written documented account. I found this out, when I was asking my L, what if XW wanted to come back. How would I protect myself. Cohabitation agreement.

Anyhow, that’s just one of many worms in the can of worms.

I still feel like I’m doing all the wrong things. Giving space, only bring up D stuff, only talking when he brings stuff up. Not getting emotional…in front of him.

Yes, it is counterintuitive and will feel wrong for a while. You are doing well. Stick to the path.

Now, I cannot guarantee DB will save your marriage. However, it will save you! And DB, IMHO, gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.

D

[bkerchik]

Thanks all!

I do have my own L picked out. I believe that he wants to do mediation because it’s cheaper. But I won’t sign or agree to anything without consulting my L and I will talk to him about the process if we both just use our own L’s. I don’t know what H’s plans are for an individual L.

Had my IC appointment today. She was glad to hear I was messaging you guys. And that I have some friends that get what I’m doing. Well they don’t really understand it (I think until you’ve looked into anything like DB’ing you are clueless about it) but are supporting me. Thinks I’m doing well for how things are even though I don’t feel like it.

I need to keep reminding myself that most of what he’s doing right now is out of guilt. It looks so much like he’s being nice. I’m sure he’ll have his happy family man face on this weekend.

[bkerchik]

I hope everyone had a good Easter. Good Friday went the way it thought it would …I cried. My D17 told me it was okay because she cried last year. I love that girl! Easter was good and felt so normal I could have screamed.

It baffles me how he can just pretend things are okay. I guess to a certain extent I am too for now. I just loose it on my own time. I think that’s what confuses me the most. He acts like nothing has happened, even when it’s just the two of us in the house. I know it’s probably guilt but it’s so nuts! And we don’t fight. The closest we’ve come to that was BD. And then voices weren’t even raised. Disagree, yes, but I can’t remember the last time we had a real fight. Since I dropped giving him a hard time about spending so much time with the band, like 3-4 years ago, it’s stopped. Of course he thought I did that to “keep the peace”, not because I actually cared.

Anyway, DBing the best I can. I’m trying so hard to stay positive around him but sometimes I struggle and I don’t want to look like I’m moping. I converse when things are brought up. I don’t even tell him what I’m doing for the day unless he asks. And I don’t ask him unless I need to know for D pick up. He will just tell me. Not sure if he is pulling away more because of that. It all feels wrong and I know it’s supposed to. I also talked to my Dr and got a script to help me sleep. That has been huge.


Got my bike back from its tune up! Now I need the weather to not be crappy so I can get out!