After my BD I was one hour at a time. Even one minute at a time. Seriously!
Snooping does brings more pain/questions than answers. You are correct about trying to control. We all try to form some control over the situation. Things is, you only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. Those three things. Focus on you and control what you can control.
Through your controllable actions and thoughts you can/will influence your emotions. It does take time.
You will be ok. I know it feels different. It feels impossible. Yet, you will be ok.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I hope everything is OK. My sitch is a bit different and I'm relatively new myself so I'll just limit my support and advice to those things that I think are going to be universally true and that have helped me
Do those things that calm you and that give you a sense of pride and purpose. Do things for you. Read those things that uplift you and help you find a positive mindset.
No More Mr Nice Guy was pivotal for me. I don't know of there is a female equivalent. I think the key is to find whatever emotional baggage you have been carrying around inside you and start to work on it. I can't help you figure out what that is.
Another book that helped me was Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Just say to yourself that 'whatever happens I'll handle it'.
Really it is said so many times here but it does bear repeating. Focus on you.
It’s so hard not to be sad yet angry. I am trying to detach, but it’s a process for sure. My H now that he’s started contacting the attorneys suddenly wants to just be friends with me. He’s texting me throughout the day as we always would just a little less frequently, he’s calling me and asking me if he should pick up dinner and just being nicer than he was when we were “trying” to work on the marriage.
I don’t know how to handle this because on one hand I’m being low pressure, kind and cordial. But he’s leaving to go off and do what he wants and leaving me with our kids all the time and all the responsibility of the house. At this point, he’s just providing his paycheck and just wants to be my friend and have that benefit while getting the D he wants. It just seems like why am I doing this? Why does he get all the best of me while he’s just throwing me away? My brain is a mess, but I’m trying to also GAL, not keep convos going when he reaches out, do my own thing as hard as it is.
I feel like I’m a doormat - even if I’m trying not to be one.
Don’t be a doormat. Be patient and kind to yourself. Realize your worth. You are really the hero in your story and in your family. Invest your energy there. H is not being your friend going ahead with the D. Doesn’t mean you have to be unkind. Reserve your energy for where it is needed, you and your story.
You are not a doormat. A doormat just lays there and gets walked on. You are not doing that!
Originally Posted by LetsHope
My H now that he’s started contacting the attorneys suddenly wants to just be friends with me. He’s texting me throughout the day as we always would just a little less frequently, he’s calling me and asking me if he should pick up dinner and just being nicer than he was when we were “trying” to work on the marriage.
It’s so confusing, isn’t it?
H’s sudden change to friendly behaviour is because he feels less pressure/threatened. Believe me, if/when things don’t go his way H can/will lash out.
These spouses feel positive from their “taking control”. They’ve sought a L and are pushing the divorce button. They’ve got a weird idea/plan of a nice mess-free zipless divorce. All unicorns and rainbows. Boy, are they in for a rude awakening. Divorce is a messy horrible thing.
Along with their feeling positive and in control, the spouse also feels guilt, shame, regret, and such. Their seemingly friendly behaviour is also them trying to assuage their guilty emotions. Interestingly, some of them will offer or negotiate towards the LBS’ favour when splitting things up. This only lasts for a little while, eventually their guilt is buried and they are less willing to give up (custody, money, items) to try to make themselves feel better.
To note, some do try to coerce or bamboozle the LBS by being friendly. A shady attempt to get the LBS to agree to a lop sided unfair settlement. Never sign or agree to anything until your lawyer has had a good look at it.
Lots of wild and conflicting things going on inside these spouse’s heads. All active and simultaneously pushing and pulling them. Imagine having all that swirling around along with past traumas, justifications, projections, disingenuous behaviour, lies, cheating, and so on. Oh, their minds are a bag of cats! No wonder we get confused when looking at their behaviours/words.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
I don’t know how to handle this…
Continue to focus on you. GAL. Not be a doormat!
Yes, be pressure-free, kind and cordial, keep conversations short, and employ the 24-48 hour rule when possible. And leave H to his path. You cannot control him, only yourself.
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
Why does he get all the best of me while he’s just throwing me away?
H is not “getting” the best of you. He is not obtaining you.
You are simply being your best self. Walking the higher path.
All of which is for you. It does not, and will not, serve you to sink to a low level and purposefully treat H poorly. Remember, you are focusing on you. Being your best self all the time, for you. During those few times you need to deal with H, stand tall and continue to be that you.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
My brain is a mess…
Perfectly fine. Perfectly normal.
Be patience and stick to the path. The quickest way through the brambles and bog is a straight line. Follow your headings. Focus on you. Detachment will come. Peace will come.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Even though our sitches are quite different, I can really empathise with you on feeling like you are giving more and your spouse is getting a lot of benefit without giving back what you need. I see my W doing things around the home and doing things for me, making me food, making up my bed, my laundry etc and I want to tell her that I don't want a maid, I want a partner, an equal.
But I'm not sure she is capable of anything else at the moment. I guess this is more comfortable for her and allows her to keep me attached, string me along or whatever while she gets the comfort of home and the time and peace to do whatever it is she is doing. I'm choosing to accept that for now because I see myself still growing, changing and getting stronger.
It's interesting to see the differences. You're getting calls texts and friendship at the same time as progressing towards divorce. I'm getting practical help, but coldness and indifference with not much progress towards anything.
Your H is doing hurtful and confusing things, try not to let that pull you off course. I know it's difficult. It is worth it.
My advice; take what you're given and make the best of it, pour yourself into the kids, your home, yourself.
The calling , helping with dinner or what not is a way they alleviate their own guilt . Ignore it . Let some of the texts or calls just hang for awhile before you even answer or don’t answer .
I watched my H many times run home like a lunatic , rush to cook dinner , throw it up on the counter and leave without even eating . It got so bad a few times he would even message me asking if I ate it . I left it sitting right where he left it .
I have been avoiding reaching out on my own and trying to GAL. I went to lunch with a friend today, and he texted but I didn’t answer. He then called me three times. I finally call back, and he says, “I just wanted to make sure you are alive.” Of course I am, I just didn’t answer right away.
Over the course of 20 years, we have always texted all day and talked a lot each day. I miss my friend, but of course it’s not the same anymore. It’s hard not to want him back to his old self, but I’m trying my best to focus on me and the kids each day. This feels like a never ending roller coaster I don’t want to be on. I still haven’t seen any D papers nor has he brought it up again, maybe he’s working behind the scenes… who knows.
Easy to feel tired and like this is something we don't want to be a part of. I know.
Good for you for getting out with a friend. I'm making similar plans. Dinner next week with some old workmates.
I remember sometime after BombDrop and before finding out about Ws EA I was thinking to myself that something crazy was coming next and I had the attitude that whatever came next I should lean in and try 'enjoy' it. I'm not saying this an experience I would wish on anyone but I do try to summon that feeling from time to time, that this is one of the defining events in my life. It will change everything. I will likely tell this tale for the rest of my life. That helps me sometimes to find a bit more strength and patience. Maybe this will help you too.
If nothing else, I think this situation has definitely changed me and will forever change who I am and hopefully in a good way. It feels so impossible to navigate a life without my person, while he seems perfectly okay with it, and the pain just isn’t fun. But this will likely be a defining moment for me in life as well.
Glad you are getting out for dinner with friends as well, all we can do is stay the course and stay busy.
