I wish I had found this page a year ago. Because I have done ALL the things you aren’t supposed to do many times over in the last year before finding this page after I pushed my husband to the attorneys office last week.
We have two girls, 8 and 10. We have been together 20 years, H37 and M38. We have been through it all together since high school, and now he is a stranger.
I went through a bad depression from 2021-2022 and the stress of that and finances and work may have pushed him into what I didn’t realize was a MLC.
Out of nowhere, he didn’t love me anymore, he was caught talking to women behind my back, he was yelling at our kids all the time, he wanted a divorce and then he didn’t, he was crying all day, and then he was yelling all day, driving fast, mad at the world, everyone [censored] and he hates everyone. He wants to be alone in the woods - he says. He says every day he wants to run and run, and he feels no good emotions except sadness and pain. I found he was saving posts online about being in a prison at home, he wanted to fall in love, he wanted to have his fairy tale - so of course those things hurt and I pushed and I yelled and I wanted answers.
He would ask for divorce and I’d convince him he needed to stay. I was never a big crier or one to beg, but when he told me after I’ve been home with our kids for ten years that he would help me now but I needed to find a way to support myself because he didn’t want to be my husband anymore, I lost it, and I couldn’t contain my crying and pleading. Again, I wish I had found this page.
I wasn’t even really upset with him last week, but I told him he couldn’t meet my needs and he didn’t deserve me because how he’s been acting the last year and told him we needed to divorce, I didn’t want that at all, I wanted him to reassure me. Next mistake. He started calling attorneys and said he can’t keep hurting me, can’t meet my needs and won’t ever be the man he was before.
He says he has no hope in life, is always in pain and just angry at everything. I have been handling this all wrong and fear he’s been pushed too too far away now.
Reading over this page and the links over the last few days, has been comforting and calming when all we have been doing is yelling and fighting and we were never ones to fight. I couldn’t figure out why I am suddenly his enemy, and he yells and throws things. This is a stranger.
Thanks for listening! Trying to GAL, detach, and be there for our girls as I have been for the last year as this man has turned into someone none of us recognize. I am embarrassed and all the begging and pleasing I’ve done - he’s all I’ve ever known. The pain has been horrid.
You just posted my story, almost like we're married to the same man. I am a little over 2 yrs past BD, I, like you did every thing wrong and prob still do. The best thing I did for myself was cut communication with him. His crazy was making me crazy and all over the place with my thoughts and emotions. I felt like I was in an alternate universe at times. It is so hard to explain what it's like. It's not easy to understand, so I quit trying, quit assuming and I quit analyzing what he was thinking, doing or why.
I got involved with a small group at church and don't miss a Sunday service. I found my peace in God. The H has even noticed.
Is our relationship better? No, but I AM and you will be too. I know it's hard to see that now but I promise it does get better.
This forum does help. It helps to know that other people understand what you're going through cause I'm sure when u try to talk about it to friends and family, you get the eye roll(yeah right) response. Nobody understands unless they've been through it. That's why this group is a good escape.
Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I remember well how horrid the pain is. (((Hugs)))
At the end of this post I’ve pasted the Welcoming post. It is full of valuable links to a trove of useful information. Really good reading for you.
Speaking of reading, do you have a copy of Michele Weiner-Davis’ book, Divorce Remedy? I recommend reading it cover to cover. A few times. One always discovers more and more wisdom/understanding during subsequent reads.
Also, another bit of important wisdom:
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Your H does sound like he is in some significant emotional turmoil. Be it a full blown midlife crisis or more a very hard life transition, remains to be seen. Either way, your H is on a terrible ride. One you (thankfully) were not invited along for.
Divorce Busting, DB, and its techniques are very counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. Go against your default reactions. That’s perfect normal for those starting out. In time, DBing becomes less counterintuitive and more who you are.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
He says he has no hope in life, is always in pain and just angry at everything. I have been handling this all wrong and fear he’s been pushed too too far away now.
Breathe. Just breathe. It’s ok.
Give time and space. You will hear a lot of this.
H’s journey is emotionally driven. He is being consumed/driven by unrealized, unrecognized, unreconciled past pains and traumas. He truly doesn’t know what is wrong or bothering him. His emotions are just full of pains and feelings he doesn’t understand.
The seeds of a crisis were planted long ago. The youngster suffered a highly significant trauma by someone in a position of authority. This pain/trauma is so significant that their young mind cannot handle it, and with no one helping them (or actively covering it up, blaming them) the youngster buries it. And that which is buried alive will come back and haunt.
Around midlife, 40-60, your H being 37 is kind of young yet not ruled out. A crisis does not have strict age rules, nor rules of who can and cannot succumb. Anyone can have a crisis! Those seeds are unknown to the person!
Anyhow, around midlife pressure and mortality and such start stirring up those old buried ghosts. Slowly, over the course of 18-24 months before bomb drop the MLCer descends. Their appearance usually changes to a younger style. Their behaviours alter. They become more irritable, short tempered, sad, mad, etc. They live in a deep unhappiness. Eventually kaboom! Bomb drop. They announce some version of ILYBNILWY.
Give time and space.
Pressure just pushes these consumed folks quicker out the door. So no relationship talks! Realize H feels he needs to run, to escape. And he will mow down anything or anyone that gets in his path.
Remember, his journey is emotionally driven. He will act upon his feelings. He will not employ much logic or reason. Trying to reason with him will not work. Pleading, begging, etc. grate upon his frazzled emotions.
Give time and space.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
I couldn’t figure out why I am suddenly his enemy, and he yells and throws things. This is a stranger.
Absolutely. A MLCer becomes the opposite of who they once were. They are twisted and dragged back to the time of their torments/traumas. To the time of when they were emotionally stunted. This is path of a crisis: for the person to grow up. It is a terrible horrible path. And I pray your H is not in crisis. Time will tell.
However, once one has entered their crisis - and it is “their” crisis; their burden; their pain; their path - once they have entered their crisis they must finish it. A crisis cannot be sped up. There are no shortcuts. And any good intended interventions usually will end up delaying things. At best it would be neutral, and at worst it will stall the crisis completely.
One of the most difficult lessons for the left behind spouse:
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
The quicker you let go and give H to God, the quicker he can walk his path.
It’s also for you. Let go, or be dragged.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself.
As for why you are suddenly his enemy.
H is lost. His world is topsy turvy. His emotions are a hot mess and he has no idea as to why. He is unhappy all the time. For months and months he has suffered this ceaseless torment. Insufferable joyless ceaseless torment.
Then he looks around and sees you. H very much incorrectly assigns all this upon you. To him, it must be you, for he literally does not recall those “seeds”. He also cannot accept his past. It is so horrible to have our once loving spouse turn upon us, blame us, for that which we have no hand it.
Time and space. H needs to burn through his feelings. And no amount of you professing your innocence or pointing out his mis-assigned blaming of you will change his mind. In fact, it will do the opposite. Realize how torment he is. H cannot be wrong. He simply cannot handle it right now. He will expend incredible energies into crafting and justifying his narrative.
H has a target painted on you. Do not engage in baited arguments, for H does need to resupply his anger when he starts to run low. And you are his primary target.
Be kind and cordial. Yet don’t walk on eggshells. For a crisis, nothing you do matters, and yet everything you do does.
The idea here is, someday H realizes that “hey, LetsHope hasn’t been bugging me for a while, and I’m still unhappy. Hmmm. Maybe it’s not her fault.” Then with some good fortune H might start to look inward.
Not going to sugar coat this. The timelines of a crisis are long. Very very long. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
So, what do you do during all this? Focus on you and the girls!
Rekindle old hobbies, things you use to love. Do family stuff with the kids. Games, vacations, movies, etc. See good friends. See family. And so on. Live and love your life!
I know, believe me, I know how steep that road is. However, you can do it.
Anyhow, I’ll wrap this up here as it’s getting pretty late. Do post often. Vent. Ask any questions you have. This is a safe place. And the folks here are most kind and have a wealth of hard-earned wisdom.
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
- - - -
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm sorry you're here. You aren't alone. Lot's have been through it before us and lots more will again. I find it helps to vent a bit here so don't worry about that.
It's hard to know when these situations start but I'm probably over a year in myself although awareness crept up on me more slowly. I'm still obsessing and learning.
And on doing 'all the wrong things'... no one teaches us about this stuff. It's not normal, we do the best we can with the information we have at the time. We know what our intentions are. I've had to do a lot of reading to get to where I feel I understand some of what is going on with my sitch.
Don't beat yourself up about it. I like to remind myself that I'm going through the most difficult period of my life and I'm still holding things together. I'm doing well. Try to find some of that positivity too.
I suspect most of us here have had (too?) low conflict marriages up to BD and then it hits the fan. That's why it's such a surprise. My situation is still low conflict and relatively calm. I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing more anger.
I find venting here helps. Don't be afraid to get things off your chest.
Good to hear you are trying to connect into your church and that your girls enjoy it I have found my church community as well as a small circle of safe strong and wise friends to be vital.
It can be hard when some people just go with their opinion and advice.
I’ve started reading the resources and am trying to put them into practice…
I know my H has been calling around to attorneys, but doesn’t seem to want to leave until all paperwork is done he says. He says he even feels numb to the kids which makes him sad and confused, I just tried to acknowledge that must be hard.
Here is where I’m struggling, when he brings up D, I’ve tried to say I understand your feelings and they are your right, but mention that I don’t agree with D.
He has been kind and wanting to watch tv together at night, texting me to check in daily and making sure my pills are filled up and that I’m eating…he’s always been caring and all, but this is where my question comes in, how should I be responding to these things?
Enjoying the evenings with him watching tv while I can? Or should I leave and go find something else to do? He asks if I want to watch a show.
He will message and ask about my day and I try to be kind yet short and don’t keep the convo going.
It’s the calling attorneys during the day and wanting to hang out and be “friends” at night that throws me. It seems from his behavior he’s not ready to talk any D logistics with me or how to handle our kids, so I’m just confused by the texting, joking and wanting to hang out….
What’s the way to handle that? Thanks for everyone’s advice so far.
Here is where I’m struggling, when he brings up D, I’ve tried to say I understand your feelings and they are your right, but mention that I don’t agree with D.
You’ve told him you don’t want a divorce no need to tell him again.
Leave the heavy lifting to H. Let him do the work and own this divorce. You don’t need to place boulders on the path, yet you don’t pave it in gold either.
By the way, speak to your own lawyer. And do not tell H! You are only gathering information, not seeking a D. Learning your rights and the likely, best, and worst outcomes if it comes to it. Knowledge is power. Keep what you learn to yourself.
If H shares his feelings, validate his feelings where you can. That’s validating that H feels what he feels, not that his plan or direction is correct or you are condoning his actions. Just that his feelings are valid, for him.
When he directly brings up divorce, he knows your stance.
There is a benefit to listening. They’ll drop clues about logistics, where they’re at, how far along they are, how confused or determined they are, etc. That knowledge is power stuff again. However, remember it’s all talk. Agree to nothing. Let H walk his path. When you don’t react, especially like he figures you should, it makes him stop and (re)consider. Continue not taking the bait.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
He has been kind and wanting to watch tv together at night, texting me to check in daily and making sure my pills are filled up and that I’m eating…he’s always been caring and all, but this is where my question comes in, how should I be responding to these things?
Enjoying the evenings with him watching tv while I can? Or should I leave and go find something else to do? He asks if I want to watch a show.
Oh my yes, it is confusing.
H is looking to D, and yet watching TV with you, wanting to spend time with you. His emotions are a bag of cats! He will change direction like flipping a switch. So, you do you. Focus on you.
If you want to watch the show, it’s ok to watch it with H. If you don’t want to watch that show, it’s ok to do something else.
Treat H like a roommate. Kind and cordial.
Also, have boundaries. If H says things or behaves disrespectfully, leave the room. Period. Rock solid boundaries/consequences are needed especially when dealing with crisis folks and their teenager-like behaviours. (By the sounds of things, H thankfully hasn’t stepped over that line yet.)
Focus on you. Keep moving forward. GAL. Be pressure-free. And no R-talks. Or cake eating.
Be strong. Hang in there.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I guess there is a reason that no snooping is a rule. My husband locked his car and had visited his mom’s bank to I assume get money to pay for the D. I went searching to see what he was hiding…it doesn’t do anything but give me an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I want some form of control, but I know I need to drop the rope…it feels impossible.
I do feel a little calmer lately than I have, reading stories here has given me hope that I can be okay. I was thinking about it this morning, and I have never been alone as an adult. Ever. We have been together since we were 17. I guess like everyone says, time and patience. I am trying to take it one step and one day at a time
