She was gorgeous and adventurous. She had a sweet streak. She was a care giver which showed in most of her days as a nurse of 13 years. She could be goofy when she could relax. She liked to have fun and laugh. She loved college football. But most of all she loved our kids. She enjoyed hiking, kayaking, fishing.... a true boy mom, and I don't mean she liked to do these things with just the kids. She'd do them with whoever. She loved to read books and take naps in hammocks. She loved the ocean and dreamed about retiring near the waterfront somewhere someday. She had a smile that lit up the room. I loved taking pictures of her even though she hated most of the pictures because she was so critical of herself. She loved animals and would collect them even though when they became too much work she'd wish she hadn't. She dreamed of big families and belonging to a huge crowd. She made friends so easily with everyone and had a dark sense of humor when she felt comfortable with you.
She was afraid... of how she looked to others and what other people knew about her. It was years into being together before I knew she had a drug problem. As a nurse she had too easy an access to pain meds in hospitals and other health care fields. She had been diagnosed once with Borderline personality disorder and it was suggested by our counselor that she suffered from a sex addiction. The closer you became to her and the more you knew about her the less she could stand to face you. She sought chaos when things were too comfortable. She looked for validation with people that didn't mean anything to her because they were safe and couldn't hurt her. She'd been hurt by an older brother and an uncle as a young girl and carried pain that she just couldn't face.
When we went to counseling earlier on she couldn't be honest with the counselor so she said it was pointless to go. She'd say, if she couldn't be honest with them there was no point in taking to them and spending money on their time. She wanted to get better but couldn't take the steps necessary.
She was so smart but it was impossible to get her to admit things she didn't like about life or convince her she needed anybody. She used to live for our family and our kids but the older they got the less she seemed to feel needed by them. Several months back I remember her telling me our 10 year old boy was the only thing keeping her here and that if it wasn't for him she thought she'd just end it all. I don't think she'd have ever done it on purpose, but she was ashamed of choices she'd made and who she let herself be at times.
Several months ago she wrote me a letter "I know I love because I don't have the ability to look at you and say things that hurt. It's literally impossible for me to stand there and look at you and say things that I know won't go well." She could never have a serious conversation with me face to face. Emotions ran so high for her that she'd simply shut down and not talk. She could write pages of letters or send the longest text messages or emails but not be able to sort out what she wanted to say otherwise. She was hurting so much toward the end that she was taking more and more Oxy just to get the euphoria and not feel anything. I confronted her months ago and she was going to get clean, it seemed like it had stopped but she was home less and less so I should have known.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Your story is unlike anything I've read here, so it's impossible to say anything meaningful or realistic, other than sincere condolences.
I'll make one comment though, and this is something that's not well known. Please don't take this the wrong way. I worked for 15 years in hospitals and long term care facilities. My dad was an RN. My ex is an RN. My cousin is an RN. My uncle was an LPN. All those years I spent in those facilities, and my dad and uncle can attest, they can be toxic environments. Especially on the 3-11 or 11-7 shifts. This is not a statement on the health care industry, nursing facilities, nurses, etc. I'm only saying this because I know first hand how stressed those employees are, and how easy it is to seek stress relief from alternative methods in those jobs.
Nursing is such a high stress job, that chaos becomes the norm, and stability is what's actually difficult to deal with. From the little I've read, you did all you could. I'm sure she did her best to deal with everything. It's just a horrible situation. But, it's up to you now to be the rock for the children. Be the rock for yourself, and also for her.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
T, that's excellent insight. The other thing stories like this prove (and we've had a few of them over the years) is that when we say that the WAS' unhappiness is not about the LBS, it's true.
Again Bunches, sorry for your loss.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She was gorgeous and adventurous. She had a sweet streak. She was a care giver which showed in most of her days as a nurse of 13 years. She could be goofy when she could relax. She liked to have fun and laugh. She loved college football. But most of all she loved our kids. She enjoyed hiking, kayaking, fishing.... a true boy mom, and I don't mean she liked to do these things with just the kids. She'd do them with whoever. She loved to read books and take naps in hammocks. She loved the ocean and dreamed about retiring near the waterfront somewhere someday. She had a smile that lit up the room. I loved taking pictures of her even though she hated most of the pictures because she was so critical of herself. She loved animals and would collect them even though when they became too much work she'd wish she hadn't. She dreamed of big families and belonging to a huge crowd. She made friends so easily with everyone and had a dark sense of humor when she felt comfortable with you.
She was afraid... of how she looked to others and what other people knew about her. It was years into being together before I knew she had a drug problem. As a nurse she had too easy an access to pain meds in hospitals and other health care fields. She had been diagnosed once with Borderline personality disorder and it was suggested by our counselor that she suffered from a sex addiction. The closer you became to her and the more you knew about her the less she could stand to face you. She sought chaos when things were too comfortable. She looked for validation with people that didn't mean anything to her because they were safe and couldn't hurt her. She'd been hurt by an older brother and an uncle as a young girl and carried pain that she just couldn't face.
When we went to counseling earlier on she couldn't be honest with the counselor so she said it was pointless to go. She'd say, if she couldn't be honest with them there was no point in taking to them and spending money on their time. She wanted to get better but couldn't take the steps necessary.
She was so smart but it was impossible to get her to admit things she didn't like about life or convince her she needed anybody. She used to live for our family and our kids but the older they got the less she seemed to feel needed by them. Several months back I remember her telling me our 10 year old boy was the only thing keeping her here and that if it wasn't for him she thought she'd just end it all. I don't think she'd have ever done it on purpose, but she was ashamed of choices she'd made and who she let herself be at times.
Several months ago she wrote me a letter "I know I love because I don't have the ability to look at you and say things that hurt. It's literally impossible for me to stand there and look at you and say things that I know won't go well." She could never have a serious conversation with me face to face. Emotions ran so high for her that she'd simply shut down and not talk. She could write pages of letters or send the longest text messages or emails but not be able to sort out what she wanted to say otherwise. She was hurting so much toward the end that she was taking more and more Oxy just to get the euphoria and not feel anything. I confronted her months ago and she was going to get clean, it seemed like it had stopped but she was home less and less so I should have known.
Thank you for sharing her ...
How did you y'all meet ???
I also wanna add...
However similar this feels to anything previous....
There are gonna be differences.
You ARE gonna question everything about your relationship with her...
You ARE gonna question if she really loved you...
You ARE gonna question if you really loved her...
And even when you answer those things, you will ask yourself them again repeatedly.
You will feel guilty either way your questions are answered. Guilty if you love her, guilty if you don't love her at this particular moment.
You will guilty for smiling, or not smiling. guilt if you take a step forward...
This is normal....
It's part of the natural grieving process...
Please know that the only answer that is correct, is what you feel inside of yourself...
Also know this...
No matter what those answers are....
You are not responsible for her addiction or behaviors.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I can't fathom it, or how it must feel.
I want to reinforce Mach1's comment about not taking blame. It may be easy for guilt to creep in, while you are emotionally vulnerable.
Whatever happened between you two, anything you may or may not have done, did not cause her to behave as she did. We are all responsible for our choices and behaviors only, not anyone else's.
I hope that somehow you will heal and move forward from this. You will do it at your own pace, on your own time.
I hope for only the best for you and your family.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I worked for 15 years in hospitals and long term care facilities. My dad was an RN. My ex is an RN. My cousin is an RN. My uncle was an LPN. All those years I spent in those facilities, and my dad and uncle can attest, they can be toxic environments. Especially on the 3-11 or 11-7 shifts. This is not a statement on the health care industry, nursing facilities, nurses, etc. I'm only saying this because I know first hand how stressed those employees are, and how easy it is to seek stress relief from alternative methods in those jobs.
Nursing is such a high stress job, that chaos becomes the norm, and stability is what's actually difficult to deal with. From the little I've read, you did all you could. I'm sure she did her best to deal with everything. It's just a horrible situation. But, it's up to you now to be the rock for the children. Be the rock for yourself, and also for her.
This is very, very true. In my work, I deal with aspiring nurses and other aspiring health care workers. Most of them have no concept of what awaits them should they actually find themselves in the job they covet so much. Most of them aspire to these positions probably because someone in their family held one, or someone pressured them, or they hear "nursing shortage" and are lured in by the salaries or whatever.
They don't understand the demands of the schooling, the pressures of the job, how much will be demanded of them, and how the demands and stress of the profession have only increased over time.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
She was gorgeous and adventurous. She had a sweet streak. She was a care giver which showed in most of her days as a nurse of 13 years. She could be goofy when she could relax. She liked to have fun and laugh. She loved college football. But most of all she loved our kids. She enjoyed hiking, kayaking, fishing.... a true boy mom, and I don't mean she liked to do these things with just the kids. She'd do them with whoever. She loved to read books and take naps in hammocks. She loved the ocean and dreamed about retiring near the waterfront somewhere someday. She had a smile that lit up the room. I loved taking pictures of her even though she hated most of the pictures because she was so critical of herself. She loved animals and would collect them even though when they became too much work she'd wish she hadn't. She dreamed of big families and belonging to a huge crowd. She made friends so easily with everyone and had a dark sense of humor when she felt comfortable with you.
She was afraid... of how she looked to others and what other people knew about her. It was years into being together before I knew she had a drug problem. As a nurse she had too easy an access to pain meds in hospitals and other health care fields. She had been diagnosed once with Borderline personality disorder and it was suggested by our counselor that she suffered from a sex addiction. The closer you became to her and the more you knew about her the less she could stand to face you. She sought chaos when things were too comfortable. She looked for validation with people that didn't mean anything to her because they were safe and couldn't hurt her. She'd been hurt by an older brother and an uncle as a young girl and carried pain that she just couldn't face.
When we went to counseling earlier on she couldn't be honest with the counselor so she said it was pointless to go. She'd say, if she couldn't be honest with them there was no point in taking to them and spending money on their time. She wanted to get better but couldn't take the steps necessary.
She was so smart but it was impossible to get her to admit things she didn't like about life or convince her she needed anybody. She used to live for our family and our kids but the older they got the less she seemed to feel needed by them. Several months back I remember her telling me our 10 year old boy was the only thing keeping her here and that if it wasn't for him she thought she'd just end it all. I don't think she'd have ever done it on purpose, but she was ashamed of choices she'd made and who she let herself be at times.
Several months ago she wrote me a letter "I know I love because I don't have the ability to look at you and say things that hurt. It's literally impossible for me to stand there and look at you and say things that I know won't go well." She could never have a serious conversation with me face to face. Emotions ran so high for her that she'd simply shut down and not talk. She could write pages of letters or send the longest text messages or emails but not be able to sort out what she wanted to say otherwise. She was hurting so much toward the end that she was taking more and more Oxy just to get the euphoria and not feel anything. I confronted her months ago and she was going to get clean, it seemed like it had stopped but she was home less and less so I should have known.
Thank you for sharing her ...
How did you y'all meet ???
I also wanna add...
However similar this feels to anything previous....
There are gonna be differences.
You ARE gonna question everything about your relationship with her...
You ARE gonna question if she really loved you...
You ARE gonna question if you really loved her...
And even when you answer those things, you will ask yourself them again repeatedly.
You will feel guilty either way your questions are answered. Guilty if you love her, guilty if you don't love her at this particular moment.
You will guilty for smiling, or not smiling. guilt if you take a step forward...
This is normal....
It's part of the natural grieving process...
Please know that the only answer that is correct, is what you feel inside of yourself...
Also know this...
No matter what those answers are....
You are not responsible for her addiction or behaviors.
Nothing that you did would have changed this...
So please go easy on yourself...
Embrace the good times with her....it helps
You are right about the questions and the guilt. It seems to be things I can't get around regardless of what conclusions I come to and come to again. Each day seems to be processing and sometimes I feel different.
Things are getting quiet from people checking in. Christmas is around the corner but I couldn't really care less about that right now.
About when we met..... must have been 8 or 9 years ago on a dating site. We lived too far apart to be anything so we just talked. Eventually became FB friends and we just kept in touch. From time to time she'd be really down or just need help and I became someone to turn to. Helped cover some bills sometimes when she was underwater or just talk her through some poor moods. Eventually I relocated and ended up much closer. Ran into each other on a playground with our kids and decided to give a shot to going out. We were pretty on fire for each other right away from there. We got married in just three months. She could be pretty impulsive. When she got a feeling she just tended to run with things.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Nursing is such a high stress job, that chaos becomes the norm, and stability is what's actually difficult to deal with. From the little I've read, you did all you could. I'm sure she did her best to deal with everything. It's just a horrible situation. But, it's up to you now to be the rock for the children. Be the rock for yourself, and also for her.
I can see what you're saying about the nursing industry. She had a way of closing down and clamming up around the difficult times in nursing. It was too hard to explain it to someone on the outside but too easy to need to share it with like experienced people who understood without explanation.
All in all though it was her Borderline Personality Disorder and traumatic childhood that I think caused her to need to throw wrenches into the gears. She used to refer to me as her personal Hosea. She'd break things and I'd end up forgiving her. Years ago she'd seem terrified I was going to leave her for the way she'd behave. But at some point her need to break things and push me away became greater than her desire to fix it and get things to work.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I'm so very sorry to read this. You have a lot to carry right now, and nothing I can say is going to make that any easier.
We truly can't save anyone - especially an active addict - but we can save ourselves. If I have one suggestion it would be alanon - people mistakenly think that when the addict is no longer alive or in their life that the damage is over or there's nothing they can do about it, but that's not true - there are things you can do to heal yourself as you walk through your grief. I'm so very sorry for your loss. xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
