What's New? This is new.

[CanBird]

~J~ Feeling down again. I had a really productive day yesterday, getting all.my ducks in a row, things looking good. And then that hampster in my head starts spinning its wheel. Thinking about a million things, having that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I'll get through this.

Thank you all for reminding me of how to deal with this. It's just business.

00 knows what I want (L did that work). We both agreed to wait, (due to other certain circumstances with me). Finishing this up is really just a matter of finishing up. Need to come to an agreement & we're done. We're basically on the same page, but adjustments need to be made. I'd rather us fine tune things together, then hand it off to L. (Save $$).

Other concerns are surviving. One Day At A Time. Some days, most, I am positive I can make this work.(As long as 00 holds up his end of the deal.).

D3 is up. Sun is rising. My spirits are also rising.
Everything will work out.
I will survive.

[OwnIt]

It's just a day at a time Can, and when that isn't possible, an hour at a time. So early days for you. I would be worried about you if you weren't riding the waves. The stages of grief are a real thing. Be wary when you hit bargaining. I thought some really crazy things and wrote an email or two I wish I could burn.

I have to say that most of the things I worried about have not come true. Even when OD has disappeared for very long periods of time, he has held up his financial responsibilities (of course not all of them do). I have definitely found my strength. My kids have struggled, but who knows how much of that they would have had anyway. I do see some good things for them too from this.

It's just time. In time it won't hurt as much and the path forward will look a lot clearer. You will move past the shock and the grief and find a much stronger you.

[CanBird]

It's just a day at a time Can, and when that isn't possible, an hour at a time. So early days for you. I would be worried about you if you weren't riding the waves. The stages of grief are a real thing. Be wary when you hit bargaining. I thought some really crazy things and wrote an email or two I wish I could burn.

I have to say that most of the things I worried about have not come true. Even when OD has disappeared for very long periods of time, he has held up his financial responsibilities (of course not all of them do). I have definitely found my strength. My kids have struggled, but who knows how much of that they would have had anyway. I do see some good things for them too from this.

It's just time. In time it won't hurt as much and the path forward will look a lot clearer. You will move past the shock and the grief and find a much stronger you.

Thank you for this ((((Ownit)))) Grieving is rough. I've experinced the grief of losing a parent so I've been on this ride before. Of course they are different, but the level of gutt renching hurt is pretty close.

And in the end, I will be stronger. You're so right that all these emotions are normal! Thank goodness I have a network of ears to talk to & shoulders to cry tiny tears on & the eyes that see me here.. ( I leave the ugly cries for my pillow). My yard looks great too, because I vent my anger/frustrations out by working outside.

~J~ Had a good talk with my Dad. He's such a good listener. Always has good advice. Never judges my decission. Always has my back. He has taught me a lot over the years. I joke he's my financial adviser. He's so much more. After my mom passed he met someone, got married, got divorced. So he's been there too. Heck every singlecone of D3s grandparents (except the deceaced) has been through one or more divorces! Not like mine of course. I should write a screenplay!

Feeling much better. Venting IS good therapy.

[DnJ]

Hello Can

Yes, the emotions are normal. The wanting to follow your emotions is normal. Remember feeling do and will change.

The process of grief is leading to emotional acceptance. Along that path you are sometimes along for the ride, other times lost and can’t find the trail, and yet other times sure footed and with solid headings. It is perfectly normal to find yourself bouncing from passenger, to driver, to at times even bystander. Don’t worry you will get there and be firmly the driver seat. It takes time. Day by day, and hour by hour when needed. For a while I was minute by minute for some of those early days.

I’m glad you can and are talking to your Dad. His life experience and wisdom is pretty invaluable I’m sure.

DnJ

[CanBird]

~J~ Tomorrow 00 is returning to home base. He's told me how long and why he'll be here. The visit includes time with D3. Zero expectations.

So why do I feel like this is my last chance to reach out? The need to do something different instead of act as if I'm okay? There's a part of me that's screaming what if? What if he thinks I've just given up? What if he thinks WOW she didn't even try?

I do have to remember & review the facts. Regardless, I still feel for him & the need to do something other than say nothing. Yeah yeah, follow his lead. I agree with that. Look my best? You bet! And I was lucky enough to get my hair on Friday (thank you universe). I've got new clothes & I'm in good shape on the outside...Just have to reflect that on the inside too. I have to admit, trying on my old "uniforms" for work made me feel pretty good.

I'm prepping to cook a dish 00 likes. Why not? We all have to eat right? Cooking is not my thing, so guess that's a way to show I care. Doing something out of my comfort zone. The house is clean, grass is cut, just need to work on the pool. It's been extremly windy for days; lots of debris to clean up daily. Good workout for D3 & I.

As far as GALing the evening 00 is here, I'm not sure what to do, but it'll be something for me whatever it is. Time alone, really alone, without D3 is rare. So I best take the opportunity a few times while I can.

I don't know if I'll be posting while 00 is here. Just imagine I'm smiling on the outside with everything that comes my way on the outside

[OwnIt]

Can,

It isn't your last shot. Not by a long shot. I think this is where you apply zero pressure. Zero questions. Happy cashier. He knows you love him. He knows you don't want this. HE CANNOT HEAR IT NOW. Now he is in the happy zone. Now he thinks if he just gets through this and to that happy place on the other side then everything will be perfect. He has to figure out for himself that it isn't the answer. Dress nicely, make him dinners. But when his words or actions say back off, do just that.

You can't reason someone out of their feelings. You can't guilt them into staying. You can't nice them into staying either.

The biggest regret I have is that the first time OD said ILB I didn't push him out the door. Oh I was convincing and he stayed. As a result, I endured in that awful state for another 3 years. My children suffered. I suffered. OD suffered. I truly believe in the bottom of my soul if I had the courage to let him go, he would have been back a long time ago.

S's best friend's father gave his mother the ILB this summer. She very politely and lovingly showed him the door. She told him that she and the 4 kids would be just fine without him. She told him that he needed the time for himself and he should not contact her. She told him to contact the kids all he wanted (they were older). Within weeks he was begging to come back. It isn't out of the woods by a stretch, but he is still there, he is in counseling, he is talking about his problems and telling her that it is all him. That man saw a kind and loving woman who made it perfectly clear that she would be fine without him. She didn't know about this site or the book or anything. She just did that.

I think this is where you have to really get that it isn't you or your marriage. That he is going through what many have before him. I am definitely in the camp that says you can't shorten it but you can extend it.

[Westo]

Can,

We all empathise with what you’re going through right now. But Own is right, you can’t nice him back, or anything else.

You need to leave him with a good impression of you, not a needy one.

Have you read Sandy’s rules? If not, please take a read of them. They are there for a very good reason.

Remember, you didn’t break him. He has to come to this conclusion himself.

He may never, but at least you’ll know you gave him every opportunity to.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

Own and Westo are correct.

H is on his path, and he cannot handle much of anything right now. Stay zero pressure.

I know how hard it is to quell those “what ifs” that press within our heads and hearts.

MLCers need to find their way; the LBS cannot speed that up. Our efforts usually lengthen the MLCer’s journey, and at best is a neutral influence.

You will do fine Can, don’t fret about the visit.

DnJ

[CanBird]

~J~ I don't know what to say except the love is gone. Silly to say, but I really felt it leave me. He's back, staying in the home, doing things to upset me today & he succeeded. Not to mention, leaving things for me to see as if to say "I love someone else. Look at the fun I'm having!"

I left him & D3 alone to GAL. Ran into a friend that knows my sitch, (except for ow/xgf). I almost told her everything, but it wasn"t the right place. I feel like I'm done hiding his secrets. I've been quiet, because I was embarassed that my H cheated on me. Like I'm not good enough, I've failed. That's not love.

I can only move forward and have faith that D3 & I will get through this okay. I don't know how, but I am going to move forward like the courageous person I am. And breathe while I'm at it.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

I’m sorry H is being such a pain.

A reminder for you - this isn’t about you.

It’s pretty common for the LBS to have doubts, and blame themselves for their spouse’s cheating. It’s not right, but it is pretty common.

Listen to me.

You are good! You did not fail!

H is in emotional turmoil and deep within a crisis. He is projecting upon you, poking at you, taunting you, if an effort to make you blow up. In a effort to make his emotionally exiting easier on him. Do not take his bait!

Be a roommate. Be detached and become indifferent.

You know better. You know the truth. Remember know vs feel. Feelings change and are fleeting.

Your feeling the love leave you. Welcome to indifference. It’s a strange place. Well done.

This is good. It’s ok to feel nothing towards H. It’s ok to love H. It’s ok to hate H. Don’t worry you’re not broken. (((Can))) Use this indifference. Focus on you and D3.

This lack of emotions is normal and good. However, like all feelings - do not make decisions based solely upon that. Feelings (and the absence of) do fleet.

Yes. Breathe, and know that you and D3 will get through this - no matter what.

During his visit stay calm and intellectual; do not let your emotions get the better of you. Even though it would probably feel pretty good to blast him.

I am pleased to hear from you. I do hope you can carve out some moments to update and post during this visit.

How long is his planning on staying?

Stay strong Can.

DnJ