After 28 years together I discovered my husband in an EA. He did not stop contact and told me that he was not happy, and needed space to figure out what he wanted. We have built a beautiful life together raising 3 amazing children and were making plans for our future. I was blindsided. I did everything wrong, cried, followed him around like a lost puppy. You name it, I did it. The first month it almost looked like we would reconcile. We became intimate, and at least I was working on making some changes. The contact with OW continued and I am 99.9% sure it has turned into a PA. He denies that it isn’t anything other than phone calls, but I know better. Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do…..
We are 12 weeks in. He is on the couch and has been for 2 months. I have moved his things into the guest BR. I’m not sure what the future has in store for us. I was a bit of a doormat the past few months, trying desperately to save my marriage and allowing my husband to have his cake and eat it too. I continued to act as his friend, sharing morning coffee and dinner, buying little silly things- special grocery request, etc. All the while he was getting deeper into his affair. Of course he was! He had the best of both worlds!
As I learned more about 180, Sandi's rules, and getting a life, I began to make changes. My husband noticed and reacted immediately. I stopped initiating phone calls and texts a month ago. I began to detach, stayed busy, and became a bit of a mystery to H. It is hard! It’s uncomfortable, but I am feeling better about myself. H continues to call and text me. My responses are friendly, but short. He does a lot of “temp checking”. He is trying to leave me little crumbs- H-“I never said our marriage was over. People separate and work things out. This is not about someone else. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Maybe I ended it with her….” It’s hard, but I’m not buying any of it. Actions speak louder than words.
This week was my breaking point. He continues to create a web of lies and contact OW. I basically told him that he is my best friend, and we continue to act as friends, but we can’t be friends right now, not while he is in a relationship w/OW. He was visibly annoyed and upset. “I’m not in a relationship with her, blah blah blah…..” He claims he is just trying to keep things cordial with me, when you live with someone you check in, that sometimes it is just out of habit. I told him that I appreciate that he thinks of me, but it is all too confusing for me right now, that as long as he is in contact with OW, I cannot be his friend. He left for work in a huff and texted me a half hour later…… Calls nightly on his way home to check in and offer to bring me home dinner. I almost get angry when I see his number pop up. It is so much easier to try to move forward when he leaves me alone.
At this point I am starting to get my ducks in a row. I have created a budget for separation, I have opened up my own bank account, and creating a to-do list. I truly want my husband to wake up, yet I need to dig deep and consider if I want to continue to be married to this man. I don’t want him to leave, but I cannot go on living like this. I think it would be best if he leaves. He needs to figure out what he wants, what the is risking. I guess I’m just not sure if I want to approach it, or just wait until he brings it up again?
My mother was checking in with me toady as she is aware of our situation. I briefly filled her in, and she asked me if he was doing drugs again. When H hit rock bottom 8 yrs ago with his pill addiction, we told No ONE other than a close friend and his sponsor. She then told me that he used to come to her house to see if she had any pain meds!!!! I don't even know what to say..... Who is this person I am married to?
My STBXWW tried the "This isnt about OM, I have no future with OM" crap with me. There is no arguing with them. They justify everything they do.
Keep detaching. Stop talking about your H with your mom etc. Stop focusing on him. What he did or you did in the past doesnt matter. All that matters is right now. All that matters is what you are doing to focus on yourself and make yourself happy.
If you start thinking about your H, take a step back and say to yourself "who cares?" Then start focusing on yourself. What are you doing to better yourself? What are you doing to focus on yourself?
You are all that matters right now and the kids if they are still minors. Let your H go. Don't let his actions, words or emotions affect you at all.
Make some goals, find your path and walk it.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
My STBXWW tried the "This isnt about OM, I have no future with OM" crap with me. There is no arguing with them. They justify everything they do.
Keep detaching. Stop talking about your H with your mom etc. Stop focusing on him. What he did or you did in the past doesnt matter. All that matters is right now. All that matters is what you are doing to focus on yourself and make yourself happy.
If you start thinking about your H, take a step back and say to yourself "who cares?" Then start focusing on yourself. What are you doing to better yourself? What are you doing to focus on yourself?
You are all that matters right now and the kids if they are still minors. Let your H go. Don't let his actions, words or emotions affect you at all.
Make some goals, find your path and walk it.
Thank you SoTorn. I am actually grateful that I have been so sick all day, because it provided me with much needed quiet alone time. I stopped buying him groceries and for the first time I ignored H's phone calls and texts. My phone was blowing up. I ignored. His actions of today were probably the most hurtful thing H has ever done, and I think he knows it. He came in my room when he got home, I pretended I was asleep. He continued to come in and check on me, placing his hand on my hip asking if I was ok, telling me he bought me dinner, etc. I said I was fine, thank you. I'm ready to lock my door, haha.
You are right, I need to stop focusing on H. I like the mantra of "who cares", I will practice it when he pops into my head. I should be focusing on me. I had been doing a pretty good job at GaL, and it drove him crazy. But between work, coaching, and my Master's program I am super busy right now. The gym has been my saving grace. I love the results I'm seeing, I have gained 4 pounds and feel great. I am socializing and meeting people there. I have a few more weeks of crazy busy and then I will have time to get out and hike, bike, and go out with friends, and family.
For now I will sit back and focus on me. I don't think I will bring up moving out unless H does. Who knows tomorrow I may feel differently. For now, I am going to ask him to get his own bank account and show him what the financials look like. I need to protect myself emotionally and financially.
You are discovering a lot of things right now, and you are slowly taking off those rose tinted glasses, that we wear when we love someone. The glasses that justifies our loved ones flaws and error making, because, well we love them.
Its a good thing they are coming off, however they are also putting you on the front seat of the rollercoaster. You are spinning hard right now. Up and down, and its draining you.
Because of that, you really need tocalm down, and focus on you. Easy for me to write, hard for you to do. Not trying to understate the difficulty of it, trust me, I had to do this myself as well .
Fact is that you are still including him way too much in your thoughts and activities. How? Well for one, your journaling consists 80% of what he is doing, what he did, and how you feel about it.. Why don't we hear a bit about how you are doing, what you want to do next, and how you will achieve that? Set some small goals that will give you some small victories. That will put you on the right path dear.
I like that you set up a financial budget for yourself - good on you, thats a victory. I dislike how you are going to tell him to get his own bank account and show him what your finances look like right now. Let him figure out things out himself, and if he asks, then by all means show him - you are not standing in his way, but you definitely are not helping him out the door.
Feel better soon!
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
You are discovering a lot of things right now, and you are slowly taking off those rose tinted glasses, that we wear when we love someone. The glasses that justifies our loved ones flaws and error making, because, well we love them.
Its a good thing they are coming off, however they are also putting you on the front seat of the rollercoaster. You are spinning hard right now. Up and down, and its draining you.
Because of that, you really need tocalm down, and focus on you. Easy for me to write, hard for you to do. Not trying to understate the difficulty of it, trust me, I had to do this myself as well .
Fact is that you are still including him way too much in your thoughts and activities. How? Well for one, your journaling consists 80% of what he is doing, what he did, and how you feel about it.. Why don't we hear a bit about how you are doing, what you want to do next, and how you will achieve that? Set some small goals that will give you some small victories. That will put you on the right path dear.
I like that you set up a financial budget for yourself - good on you, thats a victory. I dislike how you are going to tell him to get his own bank account and show him what your finances look like right now. Let him figure out things out himself, and if he asks, then by all means show him - you are not standing in his way, but you definitely are not helping him out the door.
Feel better soon!
Thank you Hurt213.
I agree as I read my journaling I realize that far too much of my focus is on H. I think I am still letting my emotions take over. The reason I want him to get his own bank account is because I need to protect myself financially. His spending habits over the past few weeks are out of control. And showing him the finances is just so he knows how much he needs to contribute to our household bills and loans after he moves out. Many of our loans including CC, mortgage, and auto loans are in both of our names. I refuse to help him, but I am ready to show him the door. He will have to figure it out for himself.
I know the rules say not to initiate any R talks, and I don't plan on talking about our marriage, but I do want to sit down with my husband and tell him that I want him to leave. I truly can no longer live like this. I deserve better. I will not tolerate this level of disrespect in my own home. I need to protect myself and begin to rebuild my life and I cannot do that with him here. I wish I had more patience, I admire the strength of so many on this forum, but I need to do what is right for me. This experience has been eye opening to say the least.
Only you know, what is truly the right path for you to walk. And only you know, when you are done - there are so many factors, that we on the board are not aware of, and therefore we can only contribute with what generally works, and what seems to be a pattern when it comes to wayward and walk away spouses.
The thing that is really difficult is to pick and choose for the individual situation, and many times the LBS will see the advice on here as a full package that will bring their spouse back. Thats rarely the case.
This is about saving you, and making you heal and making you able to take on whatever comes your way. Whatever way you choose to. If you choose, that you are done, then we all support you, and we will continue to guide you after the very best of our ability. We are many that didn't get to save our marriage and are now divorced, and most of us are living very good lives and are happy mostly. I do my self get carried away from time to time, and find myself asking questions on here, but I tell you - A year ago, I was where you are now, and if I could watch through a time window back then, and see where I am today, and how my life has turned out for me and my kids - I wouldn't be so worried about the future - Everything will be all right.
Remember: If you choose to end things, then do it because it is what you truly want. Not because you are seeking any form of reaction from him. If you make an ultimatum, you will seal the fate on the deal, and if thats what you want, then go ahead. Its not weak, and its definitely not wrong to say goodbye. On the contrary you have fought, and you are very brave I think. I will be keeping up with your development, and I wish you the very best.
Last edited by Hurt213; 05/13/1910:34 AM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Thank you Hurt213. I truly appreciate the support. I have not completely lost hope, I am just at the end of my rope. The refusal to end the affair is a deal breaker for me. I know most couples who physically separate do not reconcile, but in order to take care of myself I am willing to take that chance. I cannot focus on my own needs and well being with H in the house at this point.
I hope he wakes up some day and realizes all that he has risked and all that he will lose. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but right now I need to focus on me and our 3 grown children.
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