Been lurking for a while and finally decided to tell my story – it’s a long one so I apologize in advance. Not sure if I have a MLC or WW … for background, married for 23 yrs., 2nd marriage for both – our firsts lasted only 2 yrs. Initially both had careers. Took 9 yrs. to get pregnant (IVF) and our DD (15) was born with a rare cranial facial syndrome.
W quit her job to stay home and be primary caretaker of DD -I was fine with that. DD has had about 13 surgeries – she lives mostly a normal life but has an IEP at school. Being only breadwinner and high medical bills always put a lot of pressure on us financially, however we have done fine … later find out W views that as controlling. Fast forward to 2012 – discover W is having an A with someone 18 yrs. older than her – they dated when she was in early 20s. It was a long-distance EA thing at first, but eventually became physical. She signed up for FB and discovered him there. Once it was revealed, she wanted to work on R and agreed to counseling. Gave me the burner phone (how I discovered A) and said she would break it off. A couple weeks into it found another phone – showed me a text she sent breaking it off … and it ended there.
We only went to about half dozen sessions and she didn’t want to go any longer. In counseling, she revealed that I was too controlling … mainly with finances .. and I was a bit but mainly to ensure we could maintain our lifestyle and still afford medical bills … counselor agreed that someone needed to take charge, but I should provide more slack for her spending. DD had some major surgeries after that and we seem to move on and heal.
2016 I discover a cell phone box from a new iphone … she said some guy she was talking to gave it to her (from his business – so not a big deal???) because she was concerned about me seeing all the conversation minutes with him but he was only a friend. She said she knew it was wrong and promptly returned it. We again went into counseling .. same counselor but she wanted to go separately .. once we had a session together she felt both of us were ganging up on her and she quit going. She asked for temporary separation, but then backed off. I know she broke off conversations with OM and things got back to normal again until 2018.
Early in 2018, I was diagnosed with UC and she was having some health issues of her own. She had gained a bunch of weight over the last few of years, wasn't happy with herself and was desperately looking for a solution. She had been (and continues) to drink at least a bottle of wine a night – sometimes more. She is definitely showing signs of depression. She began sleeping on the couch because of our health issues. We were intimate over the course of that time, but she would return to the couch afterward. Last Sept I refused her advances one night - told her I didn’t feel like it knowing she would then leave for the couch again. This got her really angry. We did get intimate again after, but she continued to sleep on the couch.
In December, she went to a friends’ brother’s wake – got home a 2:00AM – said she was talking to a mutual male friend who was going through D and catching up. They spoke for an hour about 5 days every week. I spoke to him about it and he stated that we were just getting advice on his wife and D. In January I told her I had enough, and I would see a lawyer – was only a threat to try and get her back and I quickly apologized. 2 wks later the BD – she went ahead and filed. She did state that she thought maybe filing would spark something to make her stay, but she didn’t want to be here in this house or relationship anymore. Has no idea what she will do post D or where she will live – I want to try and keep the house.
We are both living in the same house for financial reasons, DD doesn’t know, but her BDay is this wknd and we agreed to tell her after that. For the first 3 weeks I did everything wrong - classic text book. Found DB online, read it in about 3 nights and immediately started on GAL and 180.
At times I think I’m making progress, other times not. The guy she was speaking to sent me a text stating he didn’t realize he was causing problems in my household and would stop all communications. It seems to have worked unless she got another burner phone. She cannot stand the site of me or me being around and is very angry towards me. All 3 of us are going to separate counselors. She hasn’t made it public yet as she is concerned about outside influences … I do think most will tell her she is stupid and try and talk her out of it. Last week my counselor suggested I write her a note asking her if she was 100% sure we should continue down this road and tell our DD as she will be completely devastated. I should also state that I recognize my part in our R and I am working hard to make changes. Left if for her to read in the morning – that night she told me she filed and that wasn’t changing and that she would rip-up and future letters.
So here I am … going tell our DD next week and then go public. We have been going back on forth with attorneys on parenting agreement – I want 50/50 (have flexible work from home job) and she only want to give me 30%. She will sit and watch TV with me and laugh, sometimes small conversations and we eat dinner at same table but she mostly doesn’t want anything to do with me.
Don’t know if this is hopeless or not, either way I am GALing and 180ing and trying to detach as much as I can in same house. lost about 10 lbs and am dressing nice for work. I can tell she notices that ...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Been lurking for a while and finally decided to tell my story – it’s a long one so I apologize in advance. Not sure if I have a MLC or WW … for background, married for 23 yrs., 2nd marriage for both – our firsts lasted only 2 yrs. Initially both had careers. Took 9 yrs. to get pregnant (IVF) and our DD (15) was born with a rare cranial facial syndrome.
W quit her job to stay home and be primary caretaker of DD -I was fine with that. DD has had about 13 surgeries – she lives mostly a normal life but has an IEP at school. Being only breadwinner and high medical bills always put a lot of pressure on us financially, however we have done fine … later find out W views that as controlling. Fast forward to 2012 – discover W is having an A with someone 18 yrs. older than her – they dated when she was in early 20s. It was a long-distance EA thing at first, but eventually became physical. She signed up for FB and discovered him there. Once it was revealed, she wanted to work on R and agreed to counseling. Gave me the burner phone (how I discovered A) and said she would break it off. A couple weeks into it found another phone – showed me a text she sent breaking it off … and it ended there.
We only went to about half dozen sessions and she didn’t want to go any longer. In counseling, she revealed that I was too controlling … mainly with finances .. and I was a bit but mainly to ensure we could maintain our lifestyle and still afford medical bills … counselor agreed that someone needed to take charge, but I should provide more slack for her spending. DD had some major surgeries after that and we seem to move on and heal.
2016 I discover a cell phone box from a new iphone … she said some guy she was talking to gave it to her (from his business – so not a big deal???) because she was concerned about me seeing all the conversation minutes with him but he was only a friend. She said she knew it was wrong and promptly returned it. We again went into counseling .. same counselor but she wanted to go separately .. once we had a session together she felt both of us were ganging up on her and she quit going. She asked for temporary separation, but then backed off. I know she broke off conversations with OM and things got back to normal again until 2018.
Early in 2018, I was diagnosed with UC and she was having some health issues of her own. She had gained a bunch of weight over the last few of years, wasn't happy with herself and was desperately looking for a solution. She had been (and continues) to drink at least a bottle of wine a night – sometimes more. She is definitely showing signs of depression. She began sleeping on the couch because of our health issues. We were intimate over the course of that time, but she would return to the couch afterward. Last Sept I refused her advances one night - told her I didn’t feel like it knowing she would then leave for the couch again. This got her really angry. We did get intimate again after, but she continued to sleep on the couch.
In December, she went to a friends’ brother’s wake – got home a 2:00AM – said she was talking to a mutual male friend who was going through D and catching up. They spoke for an hour about 5 days every week. I spoke to him about it and he stated that we were just getting advice on his wife and D. In January I told her I had enough, and I would see a lawyer – was only a threat to try and get her back and I quickly apologized. 2 wks later the BD – she went ahead and filed. She did state that she thought maybe filing would spark something to make her stay, but she didn’t want to be here in this house or relationship anymore. Has no idea what she will do post D or where she will live – I want to try and keep the house.
We are both living in the same house for financial reasons, DD doesn’t know, but her BDay is this wknd and we agreed to tell her after that. For the first 3 weeks I did everything wrong - classic text book. Found DB online, read it in about 3 nights and immediately started on GAL and 180.
At times I think I’m making progress, other times not. The guy she was speaking to sent me a text stating he didn’t realize he was causing problems in my household and would stop all communications. It seems to have worked unless she got another burner phone. She cannot stand the site of me or me being around and is very angry towards me. All 3 of us are going to separate counselors. She hasn’t made it public yet as she is concerned about outside influences … I do think most will tell her she is stupid and try and talk her out of it. Last week my counselor suggested I write her a note asking her if she was 100% sure we should continue down this road and tell our DD as she will be completely devastated. I should also state that I recognize my part in our R and I am working hard to make changes. Left if for her to read in the morning – that night she told me she filed and that wasn’t changing and that she would rip-up and future letters.
So here I am … going tell our DD next week and then go public. We have been going back on forth with attorneys on parenting agreement – I want 50/50 (have flexible work from home job) and she only want to give me 30%. She will sit and watch TV with me and laugh, sometimes small conversations and we eat dinner at same table but she mostly doesn’t want anything to do with me.
Don’t know if this is hopeless or not, either way I am GALing and 180ing and trying to detach as much as I can in same house. lost about 10 lbs and am dressing nice for work. I can tell she notices that ...
Your sitch has some similarities to mine. However, you are up against a lot. We try to give posters here a dose of reality. because most come here looking for us to tell them to do A, B, and C to save their marriage. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. We have a saying around here: Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
First question, do you want 50/50 custody because you want custody? Or is it to save money. Sorry to be blunt but I see a lot of men that go for as much custody as they can to limit child support. This is not the right approach. A father provides NO MATTER WHAT HIS marital situation is. So be a father, do not make this about money. It will almost always backfire.
If you want 50/50 because you want maximum time with your D, then awesome! Go for it. However, you need to protect against her 70/30 desire so I highly suggest consulting a lawyer. Also since she is a SAHM I would prepare to be on the hook for spousal support for a little while. Each state is different about the period of time.
As far as DBing. Double down on it. GAL like a madman. Be busy all the time. Be out of the house every minute you aren't with D. Keep 180ing. I was like you financially. Loosen the reigns. Prove to yourself that you don't have to be controlling. Most LBHs get accused of that at some point, in some way. The best way to not be controlling is to NOT be controlling. If you need IC help with that then have you C work with you on that. This should be about self-improvement NOT about saving marriage. And then detaching. GAL and 180ing while watching if she is responding is not detachment.
I wish you had posted before writing the letter. We would have warned you against it. You should be completely backed off of all pursuit and pressure. Letters trying to talk her out of her decision is pursuit and pressure. Think of your W like a cat (if you have experience with cats). Cats want to WANT to be with you in order to be with you. Our cat loves to lay with me in my recliner....on her terms. If she walks by, I reach down and pick her up and put her in the chair with me she will immediately hop down. If she approaches the chair and hops up on her own, she will lay there for hours. Let your W come to you.....you should stop all chasing efforts. ALL.
You mention that DBing is hard with being in the same house. If you read this forum you will see that those in IHS think DBing would be easier if they were physcially separated living-wise. Those that are physcially separated feel like their DBing efforts are futile because the WAS can't "see" the changes. It IS the proverbial double-edged sword. Just think of every minute of IHS as the gift of time. And focus on DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the replies - for the 50/50 - not really concerned about the money (though my lawyer thinks she is) .. just know that it would be good for D as we do spend a lot of time together W cannot help her with homework - she is about to start HS. Also trying to keep the family home for stability and concerned about W drinking. Lawyer doesn't want to bring that up yet and if I did now things would be unbearable at home.
D's birthday was Wed. Since she doesn't know what is happening yet, we decided to go out to dinner as we always do. W invited MIL for buffer and I would meet after work. When I got there, MIL wasn't there - W said at Doc appt and that she told me (i think I would remember that). Awkward at first, but then turned out to be pleasant. I told her this was nice and she thanked me and left.
W has been putting off telling anyone and wanted to wait until after D BDay Family party (this Wknd) to do so. She is really concerned about her Mother and other outside influences - my C agrees and thinks she may be stalling.
Oddly this morning when I was getting ready for work in the Master Bathroom - she turned up a couple of times - hasn't done that in awhile. I have really been GALing as much as I can and am dressing nicer for work. The difficulty I have is that I know she is logging my time with my D for parenting time ... so it has been difficult to balance...
BDay party yesterday ... W put on her ring for the first time in months ... probably to avoid questions. Wanted to drive in own cars. she took her mom home and wanted to talk to her after - I'm guessing to tell her about the sitch ... got home 3 hrs later after D and myself went to bed. Very silent this morning.
"Wanted to drive in own cars. she took her mom home and wanted to talk to her after"
Yeah.......with her history this is probably not the case. She is wayward. IE she wants the benefits of being married and having a family, but then still going out and doing what she wants to do. The 2am after the funeral, the coming home 3 hours later after the party. I am sorry but unexplained long absences by a married women are not usual. They always point to something nefarious.
So JWP, what do you want? All I see is her behavior and your reaction. I see you talking about DBing being difficult. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy. So what DO you want? Have you took time to think about that? Visualize what you want, then start working to make that happen. Things like:
- Being in a happy, healthy, committed marriage. - Having a wife that doesn't cheat. - Being fulfilled in the marriage, but being fulfilled out of the marriage too. (GAL) - Being emotionally stable (look up self-differentiation in marriage). (detachment) - Being the best JWP you can be in all aspects of life (H, father, employee). (180s and IC)
JWP, come up with a plan....FOR YOU. Right now you seem to be waiting around for her, what she is going to do, then reacting to it. That is no way to live.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve85 - what you say makes a lot of sense.
I have been working to improve myself with goals being:
-feel better about myself - which I have accomplished -sleep better at night - which I have been improving on -be healthy (with my UC) and I have been in remission ... -save the marriage - and have a happy and healthy marriage. -if above cannot happen with current wife - visualize future -most importantly - keep a healthy relationship with D and her well being. -detach while living together ... which has been the biggest challenge
I have been working on detaching and think I am doing well at times and other times not so much. I am spending too much time looking for signs ..
I know she wanted to talk to her mom about what was going on with us and assume she did that last night. She expected a lot of resistance and could explain why she was gone so long .. but she could have also just dropped her off and gone out ... In my mind (and to further detach) I will assume she was at her moms.
Question I have is should I ask her if she told her? We agreed to not make public except to our parents with the understanding that they don't let our D know until we have had a chance to tell her and set up a family appointment with C. Asked this wknd if she set up the appointment yet and she said no .. it might take a bit to get it scheduled ... stalling?? why??
Sadly writing down this post and rereading it ... makes me wonder if it is even worth saving this other than for my daughter's sake.... I know I loved the women I married, but as I read this I can't help but think how much she has changed and how much I have been used....
