English is not my 1st language so be patient with me.
After reading it for a few days and see how supportive you are with each other i felt that was time to write and get you opinion before i go complete cucu.
Struggling to do a resume of what happened, so i will just put the very short version. I will fill the blanks with your questions.
He start an affair with a 22 year old from work in October. She is a party girl and his behavior have changed dramatically, he thinks that he is a kid. He goes out parting with her and his/hers friends (he work/lives on board of a ship in a city 300km away) 1 day a fortnight He was sleeping in the spare bedroom but we were having loads of sex and do stuff as a family, he stayed in the house until early December. But he start to involve lawyers in November and really push for the sale of the house and to be honest trying to break me emotional. He shares far to many details about his affair. He does not want to work in the relationship at all. Said a few times that we could just bumble along, but he would not be happy.
He is sleeping with this girl, with me and he is paying for sex. He completely re-writes the history of our relationship , looks like he does not love me for years and of course i am the worst person alive. Had a personality transplant, he always have been extremely kind, and now is this horrible person that try to hurt me all the time ( i am strong, i do not break) Completely detached from his daughter (he was a fantastic dad and was him that push me to have a child and wanted more) He lost 30 kilos, he have done an extreme diet and exercises every day Have change his dressing style One minute says A another says B Keeps saying how happy he is, but to be honest looks miserable. he would text me everyday, about silly stuff. Would call very often as well Wants to be friends He says that this girl is an exit relationship His family are supporting his decision, he is the victim and i am the bad guy. Only spoke via email once with them and was clear where they stand. In the financial negotiation he is only caring about himself, not what is best for his daughter. I am a stay at home mum, so in a very difficult spot at the moment. But he is still paying the bills He was allowing me to move continents, back to Europe with his 4 year old daughter and only visit 3 weeks per year (not worried with the fact that he would loose contact with her)
He spend Christmas with us and that was the last time that we have been intimate and was my wake up call, he felt guilt for having sex with me.
So from that day no more playing nice. I do not take any of his calls only answer messages related to his daughter. no financial conversation, have to be trough lawyers, we are to far apart ($$) to be able to negotiate between us He comes to see and stay in the house 2 weekends a month and i leave the house (stay with friends) I always look extremely elegant when he is around He is very jealous of me and wants to be intimate with me but no success. we are not doing stuff as a family anymore
I am very lucky that because of the nature of his work i am use to be without him and to look after a child on my own. My daughter is accepting very well and does not ask for him at all.
But i am really suffering with this breakup, never imagine that this would happen to us, we had loads ups and downs but always have been good friends and achieve a lot together. we had a very difficult 2018, we were building a house, a lot off financial stress he was taking antidepressants, we had a huge problem with the house in the uk, spent a lot of time apart, could not agree what to do with the house in the uk sell/rent ( a lot of arguments over it, over the phone), etc....
My trigger point is happy families. really makes me upset, my daughter will never have that again
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
susy, sorry you are here. But you came to the right place!
I would encourage you to let go of the need to understand. You never will. In fact, my W came through her wayward period, and now looks back and doesn't even understand it. This new guy your H has become is someone that even your old H wouldn't understand.
My W did things that she was morally opposed to before, and is morally opposed to now that she is through it. No one, not even her can understand what she was doing, the whys. All she knew is that the activities she was engaged in were satisfying some selfish need at that exact moment.
How about susy? How is she doing? Are you GAL? 180ing? And you need to study detachment and self-differentiation. You have allowed your happiness to be tied up in him and here is the thing: you can't control him. You have control over only one person. Yourself. You have control over only one person's happiness, your own. Your daughter CAN have that again, but that is up to you. It has nothing to do with your wayward H. And you can't control whether he reengages with your family or not, but you can still make sure your daughter has a loving family, even if that is just you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am trying to detached, when he comes here i am civil, but make it very clear that i am not is friend.
I try to do my thing, i am in different situation than most. I do not have any family here, or a job to go everyday. I have talk with 3 different friends and they have been great. I come from a very large family and my sisters and mum call everyday to check how i am doing. Normally i am a very strong person, so is really weird for them see me going through this mess. They see me as a capable person, young, full of energy, good looking, great mum. To them and my friends is obvious that i should move on with my life and not worry about him. Why should i be suffering for someone that its treating as bad?
But what i want to do as a women and as a mum is very different. Me as a women can let go, me as a mum wants to fix this. I know that i can not fix, i have accept it. But he keeps giving me mix feelings. Like last time he was home, he ask me if we really over? And if i would take him back? And try to have sex with me? If he is so happy with his life why would he do that?
If i did not have a child i would have pick up my share of the money and go travel, but i have one and changes everything. Its quite scary that i am the only person responsible for her at the moment. Daddy in the la la land and family living in different continents. Its not easy to be alone in the worst time of your life and have to try to be a good mum. She is watching more Tv then i ever before, but i am in survival mood. She is happy and that is what matters.
I feel that i am in a stronger then i did a few months ago, i realize that is nothing that i can do. I have try to keep the family together and failed. The separation is happening so i have to fight for a decent financial settlement so my daughter does not end up in poverty. I live in a country where housing and cost of living is quite high, so as a single mum and not able to work full time will be very hard. Going back to my country would be the easiest option for me, financial and emotionally, but i am not ready to do that to my daughter. If i go she would lose complete contact with dad, i need more time to make that decision.
But he keeps giving me mix feelings. Like last time he was home, he ask me if we really over? And if i would take him back? And try to have sex with me? If he is so happy with his life why would he do that?
This is called cake eating. Men are sexual pursurers so why would he not want to have more than one woman?
I've read all of your postings so far. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but it will get better. You seem to be very smart and emotionally strong. Not everything is within our control, and that can be tough. But it can also be freeing. One of my regrets in the almost year I've been in my situation now is that I didn't get out and do more. Being the LBS (left behind spouse) offers a lot of freedom. Sometimes just the quiet house and the ability to sprawl out on the bed or stay up late with the TV loud is nice.
The easiest way for me to think about detachment is this:
When you react emotionally to another person, you are giving them power over you. Just sit back and think, don't let them pull your strings. Handle things with logic even when feelings are squeezing you tight.
I hope you check out those links in Cadet's post, they're more helpful than I realize when I first got here.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hi Susy, how old are you, your H and your D? How long have you been married?
Originally Posted by susy84
English is not my 1st language so be patient with me.
You are doing fine!
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i felt that was time to write and get you opinion before i go complete cucu.
You are definitely not crazy, from everything you describe it sounds like your H is in the midst of a mid-life crisis. That's why I was asking about your ages. All the classic symptoms are there- young girlfriend, losing weight, dressing better, abandoning family, still trying to have sex with wife, rewriting history to make it sound like you're at fault, etc. etc.
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and now is this horrible person that try to hurt me all the time ( i am strong, i do not break)
Do you mean physically or verbally? Regardless, this is not acceptable. Please let him know that if it happens again you will immediately contact the police.
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Keeps saying how happy he is, but to be honest looks miserable.
Yes he probably is "acting as if" which is quite popular with MLCers. They live a partier lifestyle and pretend to be having a great time while being miserable inside. At some point they usually hit rock bottom and repent of the mess they've created, but it can take years for them to get there.
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In the financial negotiation he is only caring about himself, not what is best for his daughter. I am a stay at home mum, so in a very difficult spot at the moment. But he is still paying the bills
It sounds like you are working with a lawyer so that is great, do protect yourself!
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he felt guilt for having sex with me.
Strange as it may sound this is not unusual for a WAS involved in an affair. Sex with their own spouse makes them feel like they are cheating on their affair partner! Really ironic.
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So from that day no more playing nice. I do not take any of his calls only answer messages related to his daughter. no financial conversation, have to be trough lawyers, we are to far apart ($$) to be able to negotiate between us He comes to see and stay in the house 2 weekends a month and i leave the house (stay with friends) I always look extremely elegant when he is around He is very jealous of me and wants to be intimate with me but no success. we are not doing stuff as a family anymore
That all sounds perfect, sounds like you are on the right path!
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But i am really suffering with this breakup, never imagine that this would happen to us
Very sorry this is happening to you, but oh boy can we all relate! I don't think any of us here saw it coming or planned for it.
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I try to do my thing, i am in different situation than most. I do not have any family here, or a job to go everyday. I have talk with 3 different friends and they have been great. I come from a very large family and my sisters and mum call everyday to check how i am doing.
Great, sounds like you have an awesome support system despite not being in your home country.
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Like last time he was home, he ask me if we really over? And if i would take him back? And try to have sex with me? If he is so happy with his life why would he do that?
This is very common with WAS's. We call it "cake-eating" because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. IE, have his old married life when he feels like it, but also his new free-wheeling party lifestyle. You are doing the right thing in not having sex with him and keeping him at arm's length, because if you give in he is just going to run away again.
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I feel that i am in a stronger then i did a few months ago, i realize that is nothing that i can do. I have try to keep the family together and failed.
I'm sorry you feel that way! But YOU did not fail. HE did.
Hi Susy, how old are you, your H and your D? How long have you been married?
[I am 34, he is 38 and our d is 4. We have been together for 13 years, but never married.
Its a shame that he have to destroy our family and everything that we work for, to realize that his issue is not me. Not much that i can do, so far i have manage to delay the sale of the house, but he will take me to court to make me sell. This is a house that was our forever home, was my project for the last 2 years, and he even did not allow me to enjoy it. I have now detached from the house as well, will have to sell sooner or later. Now is just an expensive roof over my head.
I am not perfect, i am very outspoken, nag a bit, etc....but i also very loyal, hard working, have good values and always have been there for him.
He have been emotional abusive me, he wants to sell the house so he is trying to manipulate me to do what he wants (basically sell the house as quick as possible and given as little as he can). I have spoke with the lawyers about it and they have put in their last letter about the emotional abuse, if he carries on, i will report him.
I will not given in easily, i think i have stop trying to save him from himself. But i have to make sure that my daughter is alright.
I do not want to look back and see that i did not defend her financial interests, because i was in such an emotional state that could not do the best for her.
Deep down i know that i have done what i could, he was not interested saving this relationship. Maybe i am not good enough for him, but hopefully one day someone will appreciate who i am. He loved me a lot, he was a good partner and a good dad. That is what i have to remember, do not want to feel that i waste all of this years.
He is being terrible with his daughter in the last month he only spend 2 days with her, very rarely calls or ask how she is doing. So i have to be the best mum i can and make sure that she feels loved and cared for.
I go to the gym, i am looking after myself, i am in early stages of opening a business with a friend. If you saw me in the street you would think that i am in a good place, but the truth is that i can not believe how come my best friend, the person that i have trust the most could have betrayed me in such a way.
Stripping down my self esteem, making me question my worth.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/14/1903:07 PM. Reason: fix html
Dear Susy, so sorry to hear your story but amazed at how well you have handled it so far. I have absolutely no family in this country, WH BD’d me when our 2nd baby was 10 weeks and left home when our Ds were 3.5 and 7 months. I was a WRECK. If I can pull through, anybody can. You sound like a strong, independent woman, be proud of who you are. I am not fully healed but I am not at all the same person I was a year ago. Life is beautiful and we are blessed with daughters, we have been given the greatest chance to be role models for them. Make your life all about your D for now, give yourself and her the live that WH has taken away. You both deserve better, as hard as it is try not to brood. I have made a list of top 20 things that fill my tank, it could be as simple as sitting down for 5 mins and having your coffee in peace or dancing everyday to one of your favorite tunes with your D, try doing as many things as possible everyday from that list And just surrender to the present moment. You can’t change what happened because it already has, you don’t know how things will shape up in the future but you are the queen of NOW. The future is made beautiful by having a great Now. You are intelligent, smart, beautiful and most of all you are resilient. We have all been given a chance to go through this and use pain to grow in every aspect of our lives Make your life so beautiful that even if he wants to come back you will really need to reconsider
