What kind of things is he texting you about that you think are needs? When you slow it down, he may wonder why you aren't as responsive, it may change things for him.
I've been pretty good about not initiating texts and not responding immediately to his texts. I doubt there's any wondering going on, as we went an entire day and a half without any contact, and he could give two.... When I say needs, its mostly about our dog. He will let me know if he's fed him or ask if he should take him with him when he leaves that night if I'm going to be late, etc.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
You have a good male friend? Is he gay? I'm not judging, but usually male friends maintain the friendship as part of a long term plan to achieve a certain goal, and the woman is happy to tell everyone how they are "just friends". I don't know that this means anything to your sitch but it stood out to me. My W's OM was "just a friend".
Yes, he's a good male friend from high school and no he's not gay. He's also in a relationship so. Nothing there.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
As far a separating, that's up to you. Is he having an affair? If not, then I'm not sure if separation is something I would do or not do. It's harder that way. If he was having an affair separation would be more sensible. Either way he may find a way to make you the bad guy, that's how it usually happens.
I can't really answer to whether or not he's having an affair. When I asked him a few months ago he vehemently denied it. But why would a liar suddenly decide to start telling the truth? His behavior points to yes, but I can't verify it to be true. TBH, he's kind of started the separation himself by staying at his dads rental house. So I guess I'm just solidifying it by leaving too.
Was feeling mopey today packing etc until I realized my H took my expensive osprey bag without asking me. When I went to confront him about it he just repeatedly denies that he has it. I’m fairly certain that he doesn’t because he frequently takes my things without asking and then denies it until I catch him with it. All he has to do is ask and I wouldn’t care.
BUT I’m working on my 180s here. I almost felt my typical reaction coming up, which is usually something snide and passive aggressive. Something my husband said he didn’t like about me, which I understand. I would hate it too if someone talked to me the way I talk to my H sometimes. Instead I just said “well maybe you could check again if you get a chance, I really need it. “
What a surprise, he was pleasant when I was pleasant. He even told me he’d take me up to camp to get the rest of my fishing gear. He kept telling me he wouldn’t take me so there’s some improvement there.
Who knows if he'll follow through on taking me up to camp. Might just have to recruit his step mother to retrieve my things for me.
Today was H birthday. I gave him a simple happy birthday card, which he texted me to say thank you for this morning. He had told me a few days ago that he had no plans for his birthday, and he was out till 4AM plowing the yard because of all the snow we got, so I just said "Hey if you still don't have any plans I can pick up some sushi if you want?" annnnnd dead silence. No response. I know someones gonna jump up and say detach detach. I have been. It was just one nice gesture, I'll never regret trying to be nice to someone on their birthday. Its been difficult, still having ups and downs in my emotions.
Been having this weird thing happen lately, I'll fall asleep ok, but then around 2-3AM I suddenly wake up to the stark realization that my husband isn't in bed or at home. And then I don't fall asleep again. Its been awful.
Anyway, aside from that just been doing the detaching thing. He basically lives at his dads house now, from what he tells me. I don't believe most of what he says, since he's lied to me in the past, and he never tells me what he's thinking/how he's feeling. He never really has throughout our relationship. He had an EA that I found out about because he took a screen shot of their conversation on his phone and I found it. If I hadn't, I doubt he ever would have admitted it to me and stopped talking to her. He may even have another one for all I know. Aside from that one slip up, he's an expert at hiding things.
I'll be moving out in a few weeks so that'll really be detaching for me. Still going to wear my wedding rings and be "married" till i sign those papers. I've been talking to my parents a lot. DB says not to do that but I swear my parents have read that book. They almost got divorced when I was in high school because my father had an affair, but they worked through it and stayed together. They give me good advice too, (really, almost like the book) it just feels different to have your parents tell you I guess. Ultimately, I just need to leave him alone. Just slowing working towards "dropping the rope" so to speak. It seems as if he has so many layers of resentment and depression, there really isn't much I can do other than that.
BUT on a positive note, tomorrow is Valentine's date so I think I will take myself to get a manicure after work, then go get dolled up and take myself out to dinner at my favorite restaurant.
Went to a restaurant/bar karaoke night last night by myself and actually had a lot of fun. Got hit on by a couple guys, it kinda helped boost my ego a little bit. Turns out I was seated in the employee section so ended up chatting quite a bit with the people that work there. It was nice to talk to people who don't know me or know about my relationship. Its funny thinking back, if my husband were with me, I would have just sat quietly not really talking to anyone! I know its sad to think but thats the way I was, which I'm sure is part of the problem. We just kind of molded into one person.
Anyway, this is the whole point, getting out being social, GAL, doing my 180s. I try not to text or call so we barely talk, but when we do I've been making an effort to make every interaction positive, even though the inner me is just throwing furniture against the walls. Honestly feels like it doesn't make a difference if I'm here or not because my H seldom even comes home. Seems more like we're just moving towards divorce no matter what I do or don't do because he's already moved on. But I guess sometimes thats the case right? You can do everything right but sometimes it just doesn't matter because they've made up their mind.
Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. When he's home I feel uncomfortable and upset and wish he'd leave, when he's gone I just wish he'd come back. I'm trying to work on myself but man is it hard when I keep feeling emotionally pulled in different directions. I guess I just feel upset when he's here because I WANT to talk about it and sort through it and make things better, but I know I shouldn't. I should just leave him alone.
Anybody else out there feeling like this? H moves on like nothings happened and you're just roommates who see each other occasionally and talk about basically nothing?
Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. When he's home I feel uncomfortable and upset and wish he'd leave, when he's gone I just wish he'd come back. I'm trying to work on myself but man is it hard when I keep feeling emotionally pulled in different directions. I guess I just feel upset when he's here because I WANT to talk about it and sort through it and make things better, but I know I shouldn't. I should just leave him alone.
Anybody else out there feeling like this?
Oh yes, I remember that quite well! That's what IHS does to you, it's just mentally and emotionally draining. I'm not saying to kick him out, or to leave, but physical separation really helps with this. Most people fight separation like it's the end of their world, but then once it happens they find themselves in a much better place emotionally.
Well So begins the three week countdown to moving out. My brother is going to be ok the east coast so he told me he would help me with my move. My H knows I’m leaving, just doesn’t know the exact date and doesn’t outwardly appear concerned about it. Once I get out there I’m just gonna go dark/dim. I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not but I dont see how I can start to move on if I dont. I’m considering just leaving him a goodbye letter when I go.
This will probably be the catalyst that ends it for good between us, but I don’t feel like it’s really going anywhere with me sticking around.
We’ve had dinner together at home the past couple nights. It was alright I guess interaction wise. He turns on the TV while we eat to avoid having to have a real conversation but at least he’s around and talking a little.
I hate knowing that our issues are so solvable (no abuse, no drugs, no affairs to my knowledge) but he just refuses to turn around and solve them. Or even look at them.
Well So begins the three week countdown to moving out. My brother is going to be ok the east coast so he told me he would help me with my move. My H knows I’m leaving, just doesn’t know the exact date and doesn’t outwardly appear concerned about it. Once I get out there I’m just gonna go dark/dim. I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not but I dont see how I can start to move on if I dont. I’m considering just leaving him a goodbye letter when I go.
This will probably be the catalyst that ends it for good between us, but I don’t feel like it’s really going anywhere with me sticking around.
We’ve had dinner together at home the past couple nights. It was alright I guess interaction wise. He turns on the TV while we eat to avoid having to have a real conversation but at least he’s around and talking a little.
I hate knowing that our issues are so solvable (no abuse, no drugs, no affairs to my knowledge) but he just refuses to turn around and solve them. Or even look at them.
we think they are solvable but the problem is they dont, or maybe they do really know they just dont want to ?
Once I get out there I’m just gonna go dark/dim. I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not
Definitely a good idea, both to help you recover emotionally and to give your H time and space.
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I’m considering just leaving him a goodbye letter when I go.
Write the letter if it'll help you get things off your chest, but don't leave it for him. Burn it when you are done. Or delete it. Or post it here if you want. Letters/ emails help us to get our thoughts down and vent some feelings, but they have zero impact on a WAS.
Should have made plans this past weekend because I definitely fell into the rabbit hole of loneliness and abandonments and "what ifs". I guess I have to be proud that its the exception to the rule and for the most part I've been successful in changing my attitude and my outlook, which was a part of my 180 plan, to not be so critical and negative. Next week I will be better and make plans to go out.
Despite that, H seems to still move farther and farther from me. I think he just got so used to living a parallel life from me that this doesn't seem any different to him. The avoidance just continues. I think I saw him briefly (like 5 minutes) last week and haven't seen or heard from him since. Reading these posts that other people have written and taking advice from my mom has really helped. My mother (the DB) gave me some really good advice. She told me that regardless of how I change and better my life and move on, he may never do the same. He may be so far gone in this version of himself that he can't pull it back and reconcile it with the person that he was before. And its not my fault and there isn't anything I can do about it. I can't wait around for it hoping that it will happen and crying about it if it doesn't.
He's not the man I married anymore. He's rewriting history. He's even saying weird things (that aren't necessarily important but makes me wonder what happened to his memory) like "I didn't know you drank red wine!" ...we've been together for ten years... We've drank many bottles of red wine together. Or commenting on a pair of headphones that he didn't know I owned when he was there when I bought them. Just weird stuff like that that I chalk up to him wearing the blinders on his life right now and choosing to only see what he wants to see.
Just a few more weeks here folks, and I'll be on my way
